To fucking hate being a parent

[PeppersTheCat]

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

You sound totally overwhelmed and not well. You need to find a way of getting some help, either with the children or with your health. Please talk to a professional. We are not counsellors, nor experts, and none of us can help practically. If you let things run you may be a danger to yourself. Also the children will pick up on your distress

If anyone ever doubts the need for greater Autism awareness, this thread displays why. Autism in women can display totally differently. And it's not all about being quirky and doing maths

The OP had been remarkably candid. Why not try some of that empathy NTs are supposed to be so full of!?

OP I hear you. I only have two kids but I have two dogs that are worse than kids at times so I never get any peace. 8mo baby REFUSES to be put down and 8yo dd has regressed to the point of wanting to be carried like a fucking baby all the time and she’s almost the same size as me.

I too am autistic and I need to have alone time. Sometimes despite exhaustion I sit up myself late at night/early morning before baby wakes for a feed just for the peace and it does me more good than sleep. Nobody really understands that it is a real need to be alone not just a desire or preference. I’m open with my partner and kids (well the older one) about when it’s autism causing me to need space & silence and the chance to live in my own wee world and it’s meant my partner has had to take on a larger share of household duties than I do. You need to get your OH to do the same. You need a break. You need support.

People judging you will never understand what we have to do to get through a day. If this were any other job you’d Be entitled to adjustments - you need them as a parent too. Can you approach the authorities for some support? Is there a adult autism team where you are? Contact them and see what’s available...

YANBU.

I suspect that there are many women in the same position but it's a VERY hard thing to say.

I am not one who finds it hard, I have moments where I enjoy my children but there are plenty where I could almost cry and question myself.. "What the fuck have I done?!". I love them but I don't like the responsibility and full on work that comes with them.

Parenting is bloody hard, it is the hardest job around yet you're supposed to fit in a million other things alongside it. Please don't beat yourself up for thinking like this.

Try and make some time for you, could you go away for a weekend leaving DH with the kids? Or even just find something you enjoy doing and take 30 minutes every evening when things have settled down to do it. Anything to feel like you're a person with your own identity, not just "Mum".

Pinky you sound like a dick.

Yes weekend away sounds like a great idea. Can you go and stay with family and leave all4 with their dad who loves being a parent?

OP I understand.

I only have two, one is 3.5 and the other five months like your youngest. Five months is a rough stage for us - he still isn't sleeping independently, wakes as often as every hour in the night and is CLINGY. Not at all a fan of jumperoos, swings etc. The three year old is MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY all the time and it is hard work.

But it's not going to be like this forever. We are all allowed to not love motherhood all of the time, even if we love our kids.

One day at a time

I think:

Bottle feeding if you can get ds to take it, probably help with the hormones a bit too

Make sure your older two are with their dad at same time as dsd is with her mum, leave baby with your partner and leave the house alone

Baby needs to go to nursery at least two days a week and you need to use a couple of those houses for physical exercise

You need cast iron contraception

I am sticking to 1 as I find parenting hard ,I sympathise but if my dh wanted more id still say no

[Tries to wade through a lot of shit on this thread...]

Get to the GP and make sure your med doesn't need upping or changing.
Make sure DH is around to supervise when DSD is there, after all that is the purpose of her coming - contact with her father. Too often, SMs end up 'babysitting'.
Absolutely INSIST on leaving the house alone for half an hour every day for the time being. Even if it's dark. I used to make myself a coffee in a travel mug and drive to the top of Streatham Common, lean on the bonnet of my car and just breathe, looking at the lights of less than salubrious south London.
Would the childcare be affordable if you even got a local job one day a week? Absence makes the heart grow fonder - a day a week with adults, even just serving customers in the local shop, would make a lot of difference to your self esteem, and (even though other things might pile up) just give you a bit of space.
We'd all like to be perfect, but very few of us actually are. I'm quite surprised that so many of the perfects have turned up on this thread.

I can sometimes feel like this OP and I only have 2

Dh would love a third but it would be my tipping point.

Have a good vent on here. I used to walk into another room muttering I wouldn't fucking wish this shit on my worst enemy. Swearing and being dramatic helped cheer me up

OP I fully understand you on many levels. You can't change some aspects of your situation and I don't want to be an other one saying that baby should go to nursery and it gets easier.

What i want to say is: look at it day by day and write down/ think about it in terms of what you have to do: work, children,... And what you want to do: having a shower, watching some TV,... plough through your have to do and make sure some want to do things are done as well!!! (And don't be afraid to leave some have to do tasks- nobody is perfect.)
It helps me when I drop totally shattered into bed to think yes today I had a hot bath or watched 20min of my boxset...
Unfortunately, with small children you have to think in small steps.

Another thinking that you sound a strong case of PND, please go to your GP or local doctor and get some help. Also your DH needs to start to pull his weight and grow up a bit, parenting should be a a two parent job (if you have a DP).

Definitely focus on getting the H to do his share. A vast amount of MH issues in women is down to abusive men (and a man who does not do his share of housework and childcare should be considered abusive, because he is damaging his partner's mental health - and sometimes her physical health, if he is exceptionally lazy ie won't even do anything helpful when she is ill or injured).
if his job is really so important that he can't cut down his working hours, then he needs to pay for either a part-time childminder or a cleaner, or both, just so OP can get some more time to herself.

I hear you op! It's bloody hard. And all those talking about the poor children are exactly the challenge.
Parenting is so hard I love my kids, I work, my husband helps but in my case he is loudest advocate that I'm rubbish at it. No one in my life compliments my parenting I try very very hard but it is not my forte at all. It's a dark place. And it's hard because being a rubbish parent is simply not socially acceptable. How do you escape if find what you do well.
I hope you've found some support here. I hope you can find some space to be yourself that will raise your confidence and some space from your children so you can you enjoy them more.

I'm a fellow autistic woman, so I can understand why some of these elements will be especially challenging. I only have one DC (for now, very early days with number 2) and occasionally I just want to scream "shut the fuck uuuuuup" (nb before anyone has a go, I don't!)

Your DH needs to step up; I know that's trite and easy to say but it is what makes parenting work for me, my husband is an active parent. Holding the baby for an hour a day is just not enough. You chose to marry someone who wanted more children, he chose to marry someone with autism. He has to support you better.

In your position, personally, I think I would:
a) find a nursery/childminder for baby and start working again properly (rather than trying to juggle baby and work). If you can manage working out of the home then this might be better as it would stop you feeling like you should still do family 'stuff' during work time.
b) I agree with everyone who has said stop breastfeeding. I wasn't diagnosed when I had my first, who was exclusively FF, but now I am diagnosed and understand myself better then I can honestly say I don't think I could possibly have coped with breastfeeding. The constant sensations would have driven me insane. So whilst I take my hat off to you for getting this far...please consider giving yourself a break. Breastmilk is not more important than your sanity. I think this will make a big difference (and you can prepare a day's feeds in one go - this is included in WHO guidance) as your DH could also do some feeds.
c) as well as his hour a day, as you will be working more DH needs to step up - that means doing a share of nights, nappies, nursery runs. You need proper sleep.
d) DH needs to take all of the children out for a good few hours at the weekend. This isn't time for you to work but for you to just destress, sit in silence and mentally recuperate.

Parenting is the hardest vocation. Even harder without the right support. I agree with PPs who have said to put the baby on formula and seek childcare out of the home. As for those who have said you shouldn't have had kids, it's not always easy for some women to assert themselves in the face of a partner who heavily wants a child. So don't judge.

Telling someone with autism that they have insufficient strength of character because they gave in to social norms and emotional pressure is disgraceful. Have a word with yourself.

This is a hard read after struggling with infertility.

I have no advice for you, OP, but I hope you get through this. Perhaps as your children get older, they will bring you joy.

Harsh, Glitter.
Strength of character is surviving the wrong choices we make as well as the shit life throws at us. OP is doing this.

Fucking hell, GlitterUnicorns....what the fuck wrong with you ? Seriously, what a nasty post.

Oh, OP. It's so easy for people to say you shouldn't have had more children. But you are in the situation you are in, and it's not making you happy.

All I can offer is that they do get older, and while they will need you in different ways, they won't involve saying "Mummy" every 1.5 seconds.

Hang in there.

I'm also autistic and struggling with parenthood. I found breastfeeding actually was a great parenting tool I'd have struggled even more without. But I do wish I'd only had one child. The second has topped me over the edge as they're both autistic too and such hard work.

It's really bloody hard. I hate to sound ungrateful and I'm not but I find it very difficult. I have three all entering teenage years and it's horrendous. I'm sick of worrying about them and having to deal with their drama. Sometimes I want a night off. I'm run into the ground.