To fucking hate being a parent

[PeppersTheCat]

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

OP, it really sounds like you need more time to yourself.

could you have an activity outside of the home? It is easier for you to go out than DH to take all the kids out together. Maybe go for a swim on a Saturday morning to start with? Or go to the cinema on your own. I know that a couple of hours knowing that you only have responsibility for yourself is priceless. Then maybe DH will either feel that it is easy to look after the kids and do it more or appreciate it is really hard and pitch in more.

I echo the people suggesting a bottle. Even if it is only 1 a day to give you a solid block of time where you know you don't have to breastfeed.

I adore my children and really wanted to be a parent but I have days where I just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone for a bit. It just sounds like you feel like that most of the time.

Look after yourself x

Wow, the comments about why she had more kids are really helpful. Not.

OP I do think a trip to the GP might not be a bad idea. Oh and I am in awe of you BF, personally I’d ditch that and at least get your body back a bit. I didn’t BF for largely selfish reasons I just hated it when I tried and I couldn’t keep going with it.

I am not going to patronise you by saying I know how you feel but I have to say while I love my kids and would never be without them I have never found motherhood “rewarding”, “fulfilling” , “my greatest achievement” that other mothers seem to feel. As for the career they’re not little forever, you’ll get it back :)

Oh yes, both dc had a jumperoo - fantastic baby equipment. In fact I think I had 3 ‘baby entertainer’ thhbfs with dc1, all ordered on one particularly demented sleepless night.

Yes, my older dc is much easier as I find the under 3/4s the most trying - the crying/barf/tantrums/carrying/random accidents but it depends what you find hard.

Haven't read the full thread but sounds like really hard work. Could you get a cleaner? The baby stage is the hardest and it's impossible to feel in control / in charge of yourself and your own body at that point. Agree that your husband needs to do more. Could you also get a cleaner, have a break, start an exercise class? Make a long term plan and start slowly so you don't become deflated too easily. Massive sympathies, I only have two and feel really knackered and frustrated much of the time despite having a hands on husband and a part time job to escape from it all! Most of all - please don't be hard on yourself - there is no point! Ignore any unhelpful comments, you can't help how you feel but you do now need to try and make the best of it. ; )

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. I have HFA and it was a nightmare when my 2 were that age, never mind 4 children. That's a lot of children in a short space of time for anyone, but as this thread highlights - it's really tough with autism. I found my hypersensory issues a struggle.

I got a lot of grief on parenting forums, like you have had on here. I felt the same about breastfeeding, and that sweaty feeling in my body, and the general physicality of it all. Not helped by an unsupportive husband. In the end, we separated, and he now pulls his weight, which means I get some time off. I feel guilty for it, but the time away as decompression benefits me hugely.

Others have given you better advice, but I hope you find a balance in the meantime. Well done for admitting on here. We need more mothers to speak out.OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. I have HFA and it was a nightmare when my 2 were that age, never mind 4 children. That's a lot of children in a short space of time for anyone, but as this thread highlights - it's really tough with autism. I found my hypersensory issues a struggle.

I got a lot of grief on parenting forums, like you have had on here. I felt the same about breastfeeding, and that sweaty feeling in my body, and the general physicality of it all. Not helped by an unsupportive husband. In the end, we separated, and he now pulls his weight, which means I get some time off. I feel guilty for it, but the time away as decompression benefits me hugely.

Back then, I coped by using a day care nursery and by going out and doing stuff that we could all enjoy. It meant some very 'grown up' trips where the children fitted in around me, but it doesn't seem to have harmed them, and now they are teenaged, I can share some truths and they seem to understand. Hang on in there.

Others have given you better advice, but I hope you find a balance in the meantime. Well done for admitting on here. We need more mothers to speak out.

^^ What littlepill says. A lovely post.

I knew if I wanted to be with him, then breeding is what I had to do
Sorry I've only reached page 2 of the thread but I can't get past this

^fusushumi I completely understand why you say this. But the OP's comment sounds to me like depression talking...

I really feel for you, I have one 6 month old and it's really hard going isn't it? It may sound like a bit of pnd, speak to your gp and let your feelings out xx

Whoops, not sure why my post repeated itself half way!

Can you not go back to work full time and use a nanny/cleaner etc.

Agree , well said littlepill

awwww..hell. ive messed up on every reply today i done on here. ..but..heres what i think. i fucking hate everything. i know it for a fact cos every time i say "i fucking hate...bladeebla" ..my fwdlhtf (Fella What Doesnt Live Here Thank Fuck) says.... "you hate everything. then we laugh. i saw as far as the drip fed/info. with all due respect ,i do too.and..it may be relevant. ..to your op. or, to how i read it. who knows....i kinda wonder if,career woman with friends and hobbies is realistic as alternative option...if your already juggling work and kids..and are as driven as a single high flyer career thing would require..youre gony do it any way.. maybe with childcare. ...friends isnt my thing..but if they dont adapt to whichever you is right here right now..then..you need more anyway ..hobbies can run concurrent to kids.even involve them in some of them praps...(ha.im collectaholic..my poor ds1 has an extensive egg cup collection.neither of us like eggs,car boots were a thing at one stage tho.ha)

This is hard to read coming from someone who struggled for 3 years to finally have a baby; £20k+ on IVF, plus a miscarriage, plus a stillbirth, and finally my DD (after spending my whole pregnancy on bedrest). Being a mum is the only thing I've ever wanted to be and it seemed like a cruel joke that I had to endure such a horrific journey to get there.

So for me personally I can't comprehend why you went on to have more children when you knew you didn't actually like being a parent. But that's only because of my personal experience.

Please seek professional help and like others have said, perhaps working outside of the home will help.

Have you heard of the charity Home Start? They might be helpful. www.home-start.org.uk

Good luck!

Again every sympathy with your situation but your comparison is so unhelpful to the OP.

Thanks for your comments everyone.

I took DS for a walk in the pram for an hour or so. It helped a little. He's a beautiful baby with stunning eyes. He's so innocent and loving. I wish I could be the mother he deserves. I'm all he knows and he relies on me and I can't deliver the security and stability he needs.

Now I'm going to watch Corrie on catchup while bfing. DH is putting the other 3 kids to bed. I sense he is mad at me for crying. He will spend the rest of the night ignoring me in his office.

I’m shocked at how many posters came along to kick someone when she’s down. You must be so proud of yourselves.

OP, it sounds to me like you’ve lost your sense of your self over the last few years, which happens when you devote yourself to raising little people, and happens when you’re struggling to pass in an NT world that doesn’t fit, and happens when you have a selfish partner. You’re dealing with a triple whammy. It’s no wonder that your boundaries are shot.

It’s ok to be who you are, feel what you feel, need what you need. It doesn’t matter whether that’s what normal people need, or what good mothers feel or what anyone here or in rl approves of. What matters is you.

Your DH’s attitude really sucks. His answer about paying the bills isn’t good enough. And it’s that kind of shit that drove women out to work in the first place.

It really is on your power to make massive change here. You could

Renegotiate custody arrangements
hire an AuPair
go out to work
But those changes require a level of self-belief that I sense has gone missing. Counseling might help a lot with this (find a counselor who understands about autism) but right now you need to recognize that your DH is not an ally to you right now. I think this is actually very common, and not necessarily an LTB situation (yet). I think many men are very, very good at protecting the interests of number one. They instinctively take advantage of their partners and squash their esteem and selfhood because it serves their interests. I actually think it’s a deep rooted instinctive drive

except

their innate selfishness isn’t supposed to be at the cost of their family. While a woman grows, births and nurtures the young, a man is supposed to selfishly protect that family unit. **

He’s living a fantasy where he gets to think he’s a great dad and you’re the problem, when in fact he’s a shit dad who’s not pulling his weight and allowing the mother of his children to crumble with exhaustion. Either he shares the burden or he works harder to lift the burden off you financially.

This stage of parenting is very, very hard. And harder for you than most. No one is stepping in to take your needs seriously so you’re going to have to do that’s yourself. Regardless of whether you are or aren’t an earth mother, whether you are NT or autistic, whether you’re the mum or the dad, you have a right to have your needs met within the family too

I think I’d start by disabusing your DH of his self-image as father of the year.

** dons flame proof suit

Post edited by MNHQ

There is more than one way to be a good mum, more than one way to provide security and stability. Please stop being so hard on yourself.

Your DH being mad at you is his failing, not yours.

Annwithnoe a suicide attempt? Around children? Are you crazy? I lost my brother to suicide. I found him when I was 7 and i have severe ptsd from it. How is that acceptable for this? Hardly good around children.

It’s ok to be who you are, feel what you feel, need what you need

But no one will help me. Why would any man want to take on more than the lions share when most women wouldn't require him to?

Why would any man want to take on more than the lions share when most women wouldn't require him to

Where did you get this idea? Does he tell you that?

In any case it’s utter bollocks. Real. Men pull their weight. Selfish cowards only change 1 nappy and hide in their office all night.

For example, even when it wasn’t possible to hand over totally to him, he still did the shitwork I bf mine, DH STILL got up when she cried did her bum, brought her to me watched us while i dozed and fet, then winded her and put her to bed. And that whole I was on mat leave and he was working.

Annwithnoe are you kidding me?! A suicide attempt?!! What planet are you on to even suggest that?!

OP can I please apologise for my first comment earlier on, given your updates, actually my first comment was out of order full stop.

Could you book in with the GP?
.your DH sounds like a shit imo, He's got what he's wanted. You are crying out for help and nobody is listening

Do you have any other support? Just to listen?friends, family? Sorry if this has been asked and answered

He says he already does more than most men do.

He's hiding in his office as predicted. Should I dump DS on him?

Doesn't seem fair on DS.

I’ve read all your post peppers and nowhere can I see any evidence that he’s doing the lion’s share, or much more than making you feel bad about yourself.

You need to start making positive changes for yourself - the childcare help and the bf curtailing being the two leaping out to most of us.