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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fucking hate being a parent

318 replies

PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:01

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 12/02/2018 16:34

Not all people are "cut out" to be parents - theres nothing wrong with not being a natural earth-mother. As long as the kids are generally happy and healthy, you arent a failure if their presence doesnt fill you with pure white light joy all the time.

Riverside2 · 12/02/2018 16:34

OP "I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it."

controversial view coming up....I'm 42, single, childfree and very happy with those choices.

I really feel for you and I have had serious concerns about friends who have had children and realised it was the wrong thing.

one of them also did the "have another because it's not fair on only children" and then ended up leaving for six months. She returned but her partner is a SAH and she is at work all the time because it's the only way it works.

it's not a perfect solution - she still has to come home from work and deal with DC - but she felt too guilty leaving altogether or just seeing them every other weekend.

If this is really how you feel - and I don't blame you, though rather sad you've ended up with so many!! - then you need to think about a similar arrangement.

Like other posters I do wonder how you got here really though....you need to take a long look at yourself, work out your boundaries etc. Being pushed into children you don't want - especially when you've already had one and know that you hate that life - indicates that you have a lot of issues to work out.

Waffles80 · 12/02/2018 16:34

Jesus CHRIST!

Some of the responses on this thread are abhorrent. A mother to a six month old, with other kids, who is clearly at her wits end and numerous responses suggest she shouldn’t have had more. Insensitive and so unhelpful.

OP you sound ever so low; I’m really sorry that things are this hard. Your DH needs to step up. Is your ex available to help more? Are the older children just behaving like typical lively kids, or is there a bit of naughtiness that needs to be challenged? Would that help? Ie “You cannot sit on mum at the moment / you cannot interrupt mum in the loo unless there’s an emergency” type ground rules.

Is there a way of getting you a regular break out of the house? Swimming or something where you get time to yourself?

In the kindest way, do you think seeing your GP or HV might be advisable? I’m concerned that you do sons very low indeed.

I don’t know if it helps to know that there are times I also loathe being a parent, and those times peaked when my twins were six months. Things also got tricky when they hit a tantrummy phase at 2ish.

Flowers for you. Please seek some RL help and ignore the unhelpful comments above.

Riverside2 · 12/02/2018 16:35

PS also maybe ask to be sterilised, the last thing you need is a contraception failure plopping into this.

Annwithnoe · 12/02/2018 16:35

Do you think you would find this easier if you went out to work? And is that a possibility for you?

Parenting is very tough at 6 months, but with the sensory issues of autism, it must be particularly wearing.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:36

Thanks FragrantFloozy Good to hear from someone in the same trenches.

Botanistinhiding Never tried baby on bottles, but have bought them and a breastpump and will start using them soon.

Baby is asleep on me at the moment and I'm gasping on the loo, but Id rather keep it in that upset him. It feels weird, not not be able to carry out a basic human task, like DH can.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2018 16:37

OP is sounds like things are reaching crisis point.

Does you DH know how bad things are?

Childcare for the baby? A proper balance of childcare in the home so DH pulls his weight?

Bottles for the baby so DH can help and you can reclaim your body somewhat?

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:38

so you're already on ADs, you do have PND, and your DH still isn't supporting you enough peppers? Is this why your DSD is difficult too - is your DH not willing to do more?

Gigimoll · 12/02/2018 16:38

OP please remember right now that they won't be this age for much longer. You still have a lot left to do in your life and things will get better for you. Just get on some really good contraception if you haven't already. I imagine the breastfeeding hormones are also coming into play and it's annoying not being able to go for a wee in private (currently finding this out) but you really need your own down time.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2018 16:39

Peppers formula isn't the end of the world. Pumping can take just as long, feel harder, takes more practical work etc.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:39

sit him down and tell him you need more support than you're getting at the moment.

He says he is the one paying the bulk of the bills so he cant afford to take any more time away from his work.

OP posts:
Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:41

yes I'm another woman with no real instincts around children a la fragrant. peppers can you afford to get the baby to nursery for some relief? It'll also help getting someone who's not you to try the bottles.

Why worry about the breast pump? There is so much punishment of women around everything to do with children - 6 months is plenty of time to BF for if it's making you feel sad and stressed.

lovetheway · 12/02/2018 16:41

I wish people would try to understand that for women with autism in intimate relationships, they find it nigh impossible to set boundaries or stand up against someone who has clear boundaries and answers.
That is why you think - "People have babies. This man wants babies. I want to be with this man. I must have children'.

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:43

well in that case peppers, then paying for some nursery care is another bill he can add to the pile if he can't afford to help you with his much wanted baby.

One hour of help a day from him is nothing - you can hold down a full time, stressful job and do more childcare than that.

yes I'm another woman with no real instincts around children a la fragrant. peppers can you afford to get the baby to nursery for some relief? It'll also help getting someone who's not you to try the bottles.

Why worry about the breast pump? There is so much punishment of women around everything to do with children - 6 months is plenty of time to BF for if it's making you feel sad and stressed.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2018 16:43

Op, i think uou need to speak to your gp again and explain how you're feeling. I get you're already on a heavy dose of anti depressants but there may be more that can be done for you.

Have your feelings escalated recently? Have you always felt the same? Have you explained how you feel honestly to your husband?

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:44

sorry, I managed to repeat myself by accidentally pasting the same post again - i don't even have babybrain (at this point anyway, preschooler brain isn't really a thing is it?)

0lgaDaPolga · 12/02/2018 16:45

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you are having a really hard time. You mentioned you were taking antidepressants, could you go to the gp and ask about getting some counselling too? It might help.

I felt like I was in a very dark place following the birth of my little one and have had some cbt and feel a lot better. I too had a lot of thoughts that I wasn't cut out to be a parent and he would be better off without me etc and I definitely don't feel that way anymore.

One thing that massively helped me was bottle feeding. That way Dh could properly take over when needed, even overnight to give me a break. It's incredibly hard when it's all on you. Especially if you don't like being touched all the time.

I second previous posters re: working from home and looking after the little one at the same time. That is basically 2 full time jobs, no wonder you are exhausted. Would it be possible to get the baby some childcare for a few hours, or cut down on work?

Hope you manage to get some help. Be kind to yourself. You are having a hard time and you don't need to beat him yourself up about it Thanks

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:47

DH is out swimming with the kids at the mo, probably taking them for a nice meal (it's been hours). I'm sat in the dark with a snoring baby on my lap, just a laptop for company. I'm well and truly depressed.

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 12/02/2018 16:48

I'm so, so sorry that you are in this situation Flowers

It sounds awful, completely exhausting, especially when you factor in your sensory needs. It does sound like you might have PND, or maybe general anxiety related to autism, that is making everything worse?

Your husband needs to step up or else pay for a mother's help or au pair plus.

Please though try to stop thinking of your step daughter as awful - she might be hard work but she's only 7. I hope you can develop a good relationship with her.

MrsJayy · 12/02/2018 16:49

Your husband sounds like he has fallen out of a Victorian book only holds the baby for an hour a day bugger that is he always thought himself far to important for trivia like looking after children? If i were you I would stop breastfeeding look into getting a cm a day or so a week put the baby to cm and get some breathing space you are clearly struggiling. It isn't your duty to provide children what are you going to do if your husband thinks a sibling would be a great idea for his son?

upsideup · 12/02/2018 16:49

We have DD10, DS8, DS4 and DD3 (I also have dsd22). Although we went into each pregnancy fully wanting and prepared for another I get you OP 4 children is absolutely difficult. It has got a lot easier just in the last few years, now the eldest is a lot more independant and there is no baby, so as long as your not planning another LO soon it can only get easier from now on. There is no way I could manage 4 on my own though, me and DH care for them 50/50 and it was completely unfair of your DH to push you into DC4 when he wasnt planning on making an equal contribution, he needs to step up.

Snowonsnow · 12/02/2018 16:52

Go to your GP and discuss support for your emotional state, additional support if you already have some.
Consider cutting down breast feeding or stopping altogether.
If you are best as a working mum then work, at six months old your baby can go into nursery full time and you can start working full time again.

Marcine · 12/02/2018 16:53

Not everyone is cut out for day to day childcare, there's nothing wrong with that!

Make life easier for yourself - get the baby on formula, put him in a jumperoo in front of cbeebies for 10 minutes while you shower or make a hot drink.

If you want to go back to work, do it! Even if you only break even.
Find a nice childminder, or get the kids onto nursery and after school clubs. You and your dh can split the childcare in the evenings and weekends.

Crunched · 12/02/2018 16:54

The step is horrific, and my two copy her.

Am I the only one to feel sorry for this 'horrific' child?
Can your ex not have custody of the older two, particularly as you say his parents are very supportive of him?
Maybe then you and DH could concentrate on DSD7 and the baby?

opalescent · 12/02/2018 16:55

If there is any feasible way that you could work, or study, and use childcare as much as possible, I would definitely recommend.

I have a dd (1) and ds (5) and am not a Mother Earth. I have had pnd both times, and realise now that the solution is for me to be a working mother. I love my children dearly, but find being at home too much.

I feel so much better when I work full time, and really look forward to evenings and weekends when I am with them. Everyone benefits. They get a much happier Mum.

Also, if the sensory aspect of breastfeeding is too stressful just stop. It will be fine.