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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fucking hate being a parent

318 replies

PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:01

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

OP posts:
Pinky333777 · 12/02/2018 16:55

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Snowonsnow · 12/02/2018 16:57

I don't think we broke even on nursery fees when my DC went to nursery, but as I told DH at the time it was cheaper than all the private therapy I'd need if I get out at least part time. I am a SAHM again at present and while I don't love it, it is a lot easier when they are older and all at school.

gluteustothemaximus · 12/02/2018 16:57

OP, I’m going a little crazy with 3. Largely because I’m self employed, and toddler is stupidly hard work.

I don’t get breaks as no family, or friends, but DH does 50/50. If he didn’t, I would go insane.

I love my children, but if you are doing everything, with no help...of course you’ll bloody hate it!!

Doesn’t mean you’re a crap mum. Just human. We all need breaks.

Your DH needs to massively step up. I swear depression after birth comes from not being able to get on with simple things like washing, because of dickhead partners.

He HAS to do more.

If I had the kids for 1 hour a day, I’d feel like supermum Halo

You’re not a mug. You’re not a bad mum. Get some help. 6 months is so hard. It will get better!

Flowers
ThePants999 · 12/02/2018 16:58

Hate to be hard, but - why are you the resident parent for your ex's two? Sounds like he should have taken them...

PerfectlyDone · 12/02/2018 16:59

I feel for you, Peppers, I have 4 and it has almost finished me off (and probably contributed to my marriage failing).

Here's what I would suggests:

  1. Cut yourself a bit of slack. You are not alone in not loving the whole parenting lark. IME it gets much much better and more enjoyable the older they are. Babies and toddlers are totally overrated IMO Wink
  2. Your H has to up his game. He needs to do half of the parenting. Sadly, you will need to TELL him. Likely repeatedly and in words of one syllable.
  3. Stop BFing if you are as touched out as you sound. I did not enjoy BFing either and can totally understand when it is counterproductive. Your MH is important - You youngest is at the verge of being weaned and will do just fine without breast milk.
  4. Do whatever it takes to get some outside help in. Explore nurseries, childminders, nanny-shares etc. Get some of the caring role on to other people so you can use some of your energies to find out who you are now and where you want to go.
  5. Motherhood is a mis-sold myth and if it was anything like PPI, we'd get compensation in a few years time Grin

I know it is almost impossible to see, but your situation WILL change as time passes. The trick is to keep going as physically and mentally intact as your can manage, so do what you can and ditch the rest.
Thanks

64BooLane · 12/02/2018 16:59

Am I the only one to feel sorry for this 'horrific' child?

Nope. I was thinking the same thing.

OP, I sympathise with many aspects of your situation, I really do. But that's a rotten thing to say about a 7yo child regardless of the circs.

drspouse · 12/02/2018 17:00

the older ones can't be that much trouble at their age

I have a DS aged 6 and yes, he is a lot of trouble. Children vary.
I don't have any problems with children touching/cuddling me (and I didn't BF) but I do dislike having two of them shout MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY on a loop and ditto when all four members of the household despite having a HUGE house, congregate in the same tiny space. Sometimes all four in the loo (TBF DH at least doesn't come in when I'm using it).

I don't have such severe MH problems as you, and I have a DH who is actually a grownup and does his share (though getting him to plan meals is a work in progress), but both our DCs have additional needs.

When I was really struggling, DH took me seriously and worked out what he needed to do. I think your DH needs to do this too.

MrsJayy · 12/02/2018 17:00

Somebody suggested a jumperoo for baby that would be a great idea babies don't need to be on you 24/7 it is ok to have space if you have autisim that must be so stressful but you must be able to go to the toilet when you need to go.

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/02/2018 17:01

I'm sorry OP.
I would suggest that you commit yourself to work and get child care. You will feel happier and the children will be looked after and your happiness will reflect on your family. You could bf baby morning and night and give food and water plus milk either formula or expressed.
I had more than one friend do this when our children were young and it took the pressure off. Obvs the logistics are not straightforward but that is not only your responsibility.
Think about what would make you feel better and see if you can make it happen
Best of luck ,

FeedtheTree · 12/02/2018 17:04

If you and DH both work from home, then DH should have DC 5 half days a week, and so should you. When it's his turn, he;s not to come asking your opinion/advice/where stuff is. He gets on with it. If they start bleating for you, he takes them out of the house.

You will hate it less when the work is more evenly spread between the two of you.

Qvar · 12/02/2018 17:10

I suspect, peppers, that your need for solitude and not-being-touched is not being met.

Have you got a dog or could you borrow one? long walks without taking any children are in order. Leave your husband with the kids. I say this as someone who doesn't really mind the clingy wailing but gets very bored wigth being constantly sat on.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 12/02/2018 17:11

Stop being so fucking ridiculous about the use of the word "horrific".

THIS was the context it was written in:
.......................................................................................................

"the older ones can't be that much trouble at their age

The step is horrific, and my two copy her."
.......................................................................................................

Nobody has referred to a child as being horrific. They have referred to a developmental stage being horrific. Haven't you ever used the phrases "terrible twos" or "threenager"?

MsHarry · 12/02/2018 17:16

I think you're having a hard time right now and I applaud you for your honesty OP. A lot of the time parenting, is a thankless , monotonous task but usually there are happy, wonderful times that get you through. I think you might be a bit depressed or at the very least stressed. can you talk to your DH. Show him your post. You need a break for you, him and the DC. you have a lot on your hands with the DC at those ages and it's half term right? Cut yourself some slack, you only need to be a good enough mum. Flowers

Dancingfairy · 12/02/2018 17:24

I feel the same sometimes. Not as extreme but I don't like being a mum, I love my kds but I just don't like being a mum. Doesn't help that I'm a lone parent so no one else doing it with me aswell. Think I would feel differently if there was. But I feel your pain op I have 4 aswell. It's rough. And I actually find the older 2 harder than the younger 2 by far.

Beckyd1 · 12/02/2018 17:27

Im guna take a stab in the dark and guess ur husband was u faithful as u have both a step child and child aged 7.

If so i no exactly how u feel and ur not a shit parent he is a shit person

Halie · 12/02/2018 17:28

You know you can actually choose not to have children? I really have no sympathy. I'm a similar age and I chose not to have kids because I knew I wouldn't like it and I knew that wouldn't be fair on kids. Did you never consider just not having them? I really don't understand people who have them and then complain - why would it be a shock that another human who you've brought into the world is going to be hugely dependent on you for at least 18 years?

As for your pining for the life of a career woman with no kids - I love that you think that's the easy route. It's not actually just a carefree life of work and hanging out with other childless women drinking cocktails in trendy bars. This idea of ''I had another kids to give the first a sibling/another kid for my husband'' is ridiculous. The life you have is the life you chose - take responsibility. I hope that you are at least kind to your children despite the fact that you don't like being their mother.

Qvar · 12/02/2018 17:31

Beckyd1

The OP has her own 7 year old, not her husband's.

He has his own 7 year old, not hers.

They met after the 7 year old's were born

they have a baby together

rightknockered · 12/02/2018 17:32

I love my kids but I don't like being a parent all the time, no-one does if they're honest. If your DH loves it so much, let him get on with it and do more, you have yourself more of a proper break instead of that poxy hour, I mean wtf is that?
You need at least a full day to yourself doing fuck all

Qvar · 12/02/2018 17:32

i have seen no evidence whatsoever that the OP is a shit parent. She's still breastfeeding, has depression and is autistic. IS IT ANY WONDER SHE NEEDS A BREAK?????? It's enough to drive anyone to distraction.

rightknockered · 12/02/2018 17:34

And next time he has the kids make sure he has them and does housework, some of the actual grass roots parenting stuff, and make sure you leave him with the baby too. Let's see how fucking fulfilled he feels after a few days of it

Queentitansgo · 12/02/2018 17:35

Reading that I think well first put baby on bottles. Formula not pumping as that’s just more time taken up. Out baby in nursery or childminder for sometime. See gp ? Depression.
the above helped me.

Qvar · 12/02/2018 17:36

PeppersTheCat

Wait it out. Keep plugging along. There were days, when my kids were 7 and 4, that I wanted to kill myself rather than get up in the mornings after another midnight playtime from my two - ds1 didn't sleep and has ASD. And the stepkids, delightful though they were, got up for the day at 4 and COULD NOT be quiet and let anyone else sleep. I used to cry all the way home from the school run on a Friday knowing I had a whole weekend of no bloody respite.

But now they are 15 and 12, and the step kids are 15 and 13. They have a dishwasher rota, they don't rise before 10 at the weekend and they are all responsible for their own personal hygiene. It's lovely. I enjoy being a parent and actually speaking to and conversing with people who listen to me.

Idontdowindows · 12/02/2018 17:37

Your husband needs to step up and start doing half the parenting. Stop breastfeeding, divide the bottle feeds between you and himself and tell him (don't ask, TELL) that he needs to parent the children and that you need time to yourself (and more than a piddling little hour a day!).

Men love having children because they're not the ones doing drudgework.

HumphreyCobblers · 12/02/2018 17:42

Goodness, another thread where a few posters are determined to make the OP feel as shit as possible.

Ignore the horrible ones OP and concentrate on the people offering a helping hand.

AbsentmindedWoman · 12/02/2018 17:42

SpitefulMidlifeAnimal what do you mean by this?

"Nobody has referred to a child as being horrific. They have referred to a developmental stage being horrific. Haven't you ever used the phrases "terrible twos" or "threenager"?"

Happy to be corrected, by I read the OP's remark as that the step daughter was 'horrific' and that her own two children copy the step daughter.

Nothing about developmental stages. Where are you getting that from?