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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
n0ne · 12/02/2018 07:06

I'm just rubbish at small talk (and an introvert, although I present as an extrovert). I don't mean to not ask questions but often come away from an encounter thinking "crap! I did it again! Talked about myself constantly (in answer to their questions) and barely asked any back". It's not that I'm not interested (and even if I wasn't, I'd still want to be polite), I just can't think of much to say. On the other hand, if someone is talking about themselves already, I'll listen endlessly!

It could be because I come from a family of incessant talkers so you normally can't get a word in edgeways, question or otherwise!

OneOfTheGrundys · 12/02/2018 07:07

I agree with you op. It’s rude not to ask one back. Especially if it’s not a new relationship. I have a colleague who only talks bout herself. She has no idea about my life at all. She probably thinks my life is uninteresting, and she’s right, so the only conclusion to draw is that she thinks hers is rather good?
She may be socially awkward or insecure or she may be arrogant. And I’m not in a position to find out!

WorldWideWanderer · 12/02/2018 07:18

I've never thought about this, and I'm getting on in years. Perhaps I've always been like this - not asking questions - all my life! Just shows that some people don't interact with others in this way....although I do make new friends.

I think it's a combination of things: I wasn't brought up to ask lots of questions of strangers; I don't think I have particualrly good social skills either; plus I'm not that interested anyway....but, I do ask questions if I want to know an answer. Just not for chit chat.

I always think people will tell me if there's something they want to talk about....their holidays, grandchildren, work issues and so forth; otherwise if they don't want to say, why should I be asking?

Oh, and I there's one person I never ask questions to...my work colleague...if I do, she will launch into a 2-hour long monologue of all her illnesses, so I try not to provoke it!

Dolphincrossing · 12/02/2018 07:23

The problem is the OP says she asks them questions about their career and life and to be honest it can be quite contentious if you barely know the person. I don’t hold other people accountable for not knowing but Christmas is quite a painful topic for me so being asked questions about did I see family, what did I get, can be a bit Hmm as I don’t know what to say.

If you’re just saying ‘my DD loves Peppa Pig, how about yours?’ then that’s different! But even seemingly harmless questions can be quite stressful.

SequinsOnEverything · 12/02/2018 07:23

I am really bad at holding a converstaion. I talk to people and they ask me questions and thenb an hour or so later it will occur to me that I should have asked them back.

I was thinking about it last night actually and to me asking someone about themselves (what they doo out of work, films they like etc) seems really unnatural and forced, I don't know why.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 07:24

I had social skills drummed into me at an early age - most kids and teens are self absorbed and need to be taught otherwise. Very grateful for it.

Remember my mother over and over from about 11 onwards - make conversation, don't sit in silence, don't talk about yourself all the time, show interest in others. She modelled it too had millions of friends still the most popular person I know with friends of all ages.

One woman my dad knew from his hobby would come to the house and drone on and on about herself never once showing any interest in any of us. Mum used her as an example of what not to do.

SparkyTheCat · 12/02/2018 07:26

I am a fairly private person, and would hate being asked question after question in the way described by the op. To me - and I appreciate others might feel differently - it would feel intrusive, and I tend to back off from people who do this.

LadyChatterlysLoofah · 12/02/2018 07:30

Just adding that I hate, hate, hate being asked any direct questions. I'm introverted, protective of my privacy, yet desperately polite. So I will answer as neutrally and briefly as possible, but repricocity will be the last thing on my mind, more likely to be "save me from this unwanted inquisition!". Keep it neutral. In that spirit I try not to question others about their life too much, assuming they're the same. And don't want to talk about myself either. TBH probably don't want to talk full stop, it's over-rated......

Dolphincrossing · 12/02/2018 07:32

Social skills can be taught to a point but a lot of it is intuitive.

So - don’t drone on about yourself - yes

But with the make conversation/don’t sit in silence -sometimes it’s appropriate to sit in silence. It can be exhausting having a person who fills the silence by asking interesting questions.

Sevendown · 12/02/2018 07:35

I don’t enjoy small talk.

I’ll ask a question only if I want to know the answer.

I’d feel nosey to ask unnecessary questions,

InfiniteSheldon · 12/02/2018 07:41

We've just had a friend stay for the weekend, it was lovely really good catchup on mutual acquaintances from herside on family herside she didn't ask a single question about our dc who both got married and had dc of their own in The last year about our businesses both of which is has been involved in or house we are all doing houses up currently .Dh and I place bets on how long before she asks how anything is and it's usually a good few hours. She is great fun but very very self centered.

InfiniteSheldon · 12/02/2018 07:42

Bloody hell maybe she thinks I'm nosy!!

PlateOfBiscuits · 12/02/2018 07:43

I’m totally with you OP.

Ifailed · 12/02/2018 07:49

I would find it very rude and uncomfortable for a stranger to start interrogating me. I don't know them, nor they me - why do they want to know all this stuff, is it so they can judge me and decide whether I come up to their standards or not? Of are they just nosey? Its sounds like the OP treats every encounter like a job interview.

k2p2k2tog · 12/02/2018 07:55

I know someone like this. She is totally self-obsessed and her chat is all me, me, me. If you bump into her in the street she will tell you in detail about some trivial things which has just happened to her without even a "how are you? How are the kids?"

It's not that she is shy and has no social skills, she is just completely all about her and nobody else matters.

It's not about a formula of question response question response, it's about recognising that conversation is a two way thing, and recognising that if you're doing 90% of the talking about you, then you should probably do something to redress that balance.

leaveituntiltomorrow · 12/02/2018 07:56

I work with a woman who asks questions. She can’t seem to chit chat, always has to be interrogating me. It’s fairly transparent, she’s trying to suss me out, find out if I belong to her class.

I don’t. I’m just trying to eat my soup.

Why are the professions of my aunties, uncles, cousins, and siblings of interest to anyone? So I don’t reciprocate that. Cos I don’t care about that level of detail. Hmm

Does she think I’m ruse? Hopefully. Grin

leaveituntiltomorrow · 12/02/2018 07:57

*rude

Rudgie47 · 12/02/2018 07:57

Its not about interrogation asking a few questions, its about being polite.Obviously they have to be appropriate, theres nothing wrong with asking how your day/ weekend or birthday etc went. Or how are you?
Its the height of bad manners to talk endlessly about yourself, I know loads of people like this. One woman I can think of is absolutely shocking, all you can hear is her voice, bragging and boasting all the time.

gingerh4ir · 12/02/2018 07:58

The career one always upsets me. I am on £64/week of carers allowance to care for my severely disabled child. I find it rather upsetting as I had to give up a good job.

If you don't know for sure that people have a career, then don't ask about it.

DollyLlama · 12/02/2018 07:58

I find myself sometimes like a deer caught in the headlights when someone starts asking me questions and I don’t think to ask much back, but I’m polite and mean no harm by it. I’ve had social anxiety for years though and I’m working on it!

On the flip side, if I’m comfortable with someone or I am the one to approach them, I tend to be quite chatty and ask questions. Just depends on the situation I guess!

ProperLavs · 12/02/2018 08:02

I often find it is me asking all the questions. People love to talk about themselves I find and most people aren't interested in others. They are very boring, but question-asking gets me out of small talk difficulties.

I hate small talk, so getting others to drone on endlessly about themselves stops me having to think too much.

LoudBatPerson · 12/02/2018 08:04

I generally don't ask many questions beyond maybe a quick "How was your weekend?".

I don't ask as I really hate it when people constantly ask me questions. I find it very intrusive.

Iruka · 12/02/2018 08:07

Hmm I think that someone who talks nonstop about themselves and never asks questions is rude.

But I find that some people just drivel on and ask lot of questions because they can't handle a moment of silence.

I enjoy a bit of quiet and if someone thinks I am rude for not trying to extend a conversation I never wanted in the first place then I am not going to feel bad about it

HarrietSmith · 12/02/2018 08:09

'What would Jane Austen do?' is the question I tend to ask myself.

bizzers · 12/02/2018 08:13

I'm not really a big fan of small talk. I mean, I can do it, but when the conversation naturally comes to and end, I have no problem with silence. I find it awkward when someone will do anything to keep the conversation going and will resort to the stupidest questions.

Also, to me, the idea of being on a flight on my own, with a load of great podcasts on my iPhone, and a load of new books on my Kindle, fills me with joy. The idea of having to sit and make small talk with the person next to me for 2 hours, not!! I can only do it for so long until I just find it unbearable.

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