People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

“If (in a small talk situation) a person obviously is disinclined to chat, then I stop trying and sit quietly. Ironically they then often start talking confused I think it's maybe because my change in behaviour has made them feel bad (I.e. I obviously gave up on social interaction with them). Not sure how to change my management of that situation tbh! ”

Why would you change it? You’ve achieved your goal.
Analyse the conversation slightly differently:
You break the ice by initiating conversation.
You ask questions, but the other person finds that kind of thing difficult and a bit intrusive, so they struggle to answer.
You stop asking questions and give them a chance to get a word in edgeways and to consider what to say.
They independently start talking now you’ve changed your tactics.

Yes people are in general either socially awkward or rude. They also like to talk about themselves & themselves only!
I got engaged last year & a ‘friend” of mine if I bump into in town has never congratulated me or asked to see my ring. I didn’t put anything in social media but I did ring her& tell her the news personally.
She only talks about herself ever would never ask anything. I just leave it at that let her yap away & I say nothing some people just don’t care

I can be guilty of this. I find the social niceties a bit difficult, and dull. The endless do you want a cup of tea, are you sure i can’t make you one. It’s like a sport I am not naturally good at, and always feel awkward or bored. However, I do understand that it forms closer bonds and eases social communication. And I should try more.

I used to find it difficult; I was in my twenties before I realised I was supposed to ask questions back.

I think good questions can begin with "Tell me about...": then it doesn't sound like a question, and invites someone to say as little or as much as they like. I also like to add "I'm curious, tell me why..." before I ask a question that might be slightly intrusive.

It's a difficult skill; one thing that makes learning all this so difficult is that as children, we receive endless mixed messages. How many cheerfully inquisitive children have heard an adult say "you ask too many questions!!!"? They might then take it literally, and hesitate to ask questions again. Typical grown up topsy-turvy: one moment you're supposed to ask questions, and the next you mustn't ask any at all because it's rude.

The Railway Children: "She told the children just to be good, and not to ask questions."

"And don't ask questions." That was the rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.

Robert Raspberry was very inquisitive. When he met Oliver Onion working on his rockery:
"Why are you using a trowel?
Why has it got a yellow handle?
What seeds are you using?
When will they grow?" he asked all at once.

Yes, that's an exaggerated example, but "don't ask questions" seems to be peddled a lot in children's stories.

MN is not the place to ask as it seems to have a significant percentage of people who find socialising very difficult, describe themselves as introverted or socially anxious.

You're right OP, and unless there's a MH related reason/social difficulties explanation, it is very poor form!

'I don't ask questions because I don't care' is incredibly rude. I and most other people wouldn't do this to someone. How very rude, and quite frankly selfish and self centred

It's rude, gauche and socially inept.

I totally get the 'I don't like making small talk with strangers' bit, I'm very much like that myself and not good at striking up chit chat for no reason. However there are many circumstances under which it is expected / polite - meeting new work colleagues, members of your OH's family, friends of friends on a night out etc. And personally I think when you ask a work colleague how their weekend was and they blather on endlessly about little Johnny's swimming lessons and their mum's birthday, it's only polite to say 'and how was yours?' afterwards! If someone just responds 'fine thanks' then I totally get that they are busy / don't want to talk and am not offended and leave it at that.

I know lots of people in both camps TBQH.

Two of my best friends have always been brilliant at meeting new people and asking them loads of questions to make them feel at ease. However, they are both very modest and I often think it's a well-practised way of deflecting the focus of attention from themselves.

I have always been quite surprised by another friend - very religious - who really is all 'I, me and my' every time I meet her. I know it's not done with any malice/agenda but I do find it rather irksome.

There are people who talk entirely about themselves/their lives (without asking questions of others) who (to my mind) seem to be trying to convey that their lives are interesting enough to be regaled and that others' aren't worthy of conversation.

Sometimes people who don't 'share' the conversation can do it from shyness, not being very socially adept, nervousness or maybe feeling compelled to give an 'account' of themselves to others?

I know where you're coming from though, OP. Did it annoy you while you were having the very one-sided conversation? Or did you only realise what had happened retrospectively? Or are you quite shy so unlikely to just share info about yourself unless asked?

It could also be (with people who don't know each other well or are wanting to avoid an in-depth conversation for whatever reason) that by not asking personal questions of others, at least one person in the conversation is trying to keep the conversation 'general' rather than personal. In such a situation the person who then starts asking lots of questions could be over-stepping the mark (and not reading the social cues correctly). The lack of reciprocity in question asking could be consciously done to try to get the conversation back onto 'safe' and neutral subjects?

Curiously, I've noticed it happening more recently than ever I used to. It could be indicative of some societal/cultural shift going hand in hand with the rise of the 'selfie' and different ways of communicating? I hope not .

I think sometimes people are trying so hard they are coming across as false, and that can be very off-putting. Are you really interested in the answers, or are you just questioning for the sake of it?
Listening is perhaps the most important skill in getting to know someone.

I remember the daughter of one of our vicars was a questioner and people would actively avoid her if they could.
In the words of one parishioner "She'll ask you how you are, and you know full well she couldn't give a damn!"

I used to be very sociable and loved getting to know people.

Nowadays, I'm too afraid to ask in fear of coming across as nosey or making people uncomfortable. I've no idea why though.

Some people like keeping it general, some may not ask questions because they dont want to engage you more, some are distracted, some are self absorbed. If you dont get a good flow with a new person then move on. If its your friend then ask yourself if they are always like this...self absorbed. If its new...something might be going on with them xx

Not sure where the xx came from

It's rude, gauche and socially inept.

Completely disagree. OP specifically mentioned meeting someone for the first time. Why would it be acceptable to start grilling them about their 'career'? What if they don't have one, what do you do - drop them like a hot potato as not worthy and move on to the next unsuspecting victim?

General chit chat and observations are fine, but when you start quizzing someone about themselves & their life having just met them, that is rude, gauche and socially inept.

YANBU and with an 'epidemic' of loneliness, it is reassuring to see so many comments that show people are advocates for positive social interaction. However, I would be very careful about asking questions about career/occupation. The 'What do you do?' type of questions can be very threatening because so many assumptions are made about an individual on the basis of the occupation s/he has.

I think there are two types of questioning.

Say you arrive somewhere and someone says ‘just made it - traffic was terrible.’
‘It was bad for me too, which side of town did you come in from?’
‘I came in from X village so I had to cross Y bridge.’
‘Oh yes? I lived there myself once when they were building the bridge - it was a nightmare! Have you lived there long?’

There are a few questions in there but it’s flowing and an actual conversation. Interrogation (which I and others have said we don’t like) is more
‘Where do you live?’
‘Er - X village’
‘How long have you lived there?’
‘Um ... ten years ... moved in 2007.’
‘Where did you move from?’
‘Oh, we moved from the city actually.’
‘Why?’

That’s not a conversation: that is just firing questions and it can make people feel uncomfortable and anxious hence why they don’t ask questions back.

I guess I’m one of the people you’re tlking about. Injust can’t bring myself to ask questions as I consider them prying!

I think the penny has dropped. OP is the Queen, or more likely a Lady-in-Waiting, and is looking for some alternatives to "what is it that you do?" and "have you come far?"

There is a real art to asking questions that make other people feel valued rather than threatened. And to ask them in such a way that people can reveal as little/as much as they wish to.

And it really is the height of bad manners to launch into a "what do you do?" type of question virtually as soon as one meets someone. As if one's whole identity is defined by occupation. And yet it is really common to do so, I've found.

Why would it be acceptable to start grilling them about their 'career'?

Who said anything about 'grilling'? OP simply said 'career, life, nothing too prying'... in other words general questions about general topics. If you don't have a career you can talk about home life, kids, or anything else you're interested in.

There's no need to be so defensive.

I tend to ask the questions and try to avoid questions being asked about me as I feel I don't have anything that interesting stay 😏

I am very uncomfortable with the idea of question and answer sessions. As another pp said, there is always a risk of asking a question which is upsetting for the other person. I prefer to have a conversation where I might share something about me - what I've watched on TV, or something I've read. I find that tends to invite a response which leads to more chat and information sharing without either party feeling as though they are being interrogated. I find I make friends easily.

YANBU OP, IKWYM. Some people are just very self-absorbed, will expect lots of discussion about their lives and their interests but switch off when it's not about them. Personally I think it's a sign of intelligence to show an interest in subjects not directly related to ourselves, and it doesn't have to be personal questions.

Op I agree completely. Good social skills require that you show an interest in the other person. More and more people these days seem to lack any understanding of that. “I don’t want to pry” is no excuse - there are a million things you can ask that are low-pressure. If it’s a party: did you come far/how was the journey? If it’s someone you know already: how are you? Been up to anything interesting lately? If it’s a play date: are you looking forward to half term? How is little Johnny enjoying Year one? Questions should be open-ended and ideally not too specific, so the askee can talk about whatever they like. This is basic level etiquette and there is no excuse for adults not to grasp it IMHO.

I struggle with asking questions as I have a bad memory and I'm scared of asking a question on something I've been told previously. Eg if they are talking about their child at school and I wonder if they've spoken to x but then feel like I should already know that. Or a situation at work and I think of a question but again think they've probably told me before and think I'm rude.

I also try not to ask personal questions in case it's intrusive or I put my foot in it as this has happened many times before and I get very bad social anxiety. I tend to rabbit on nervously and then worry I've spoken too much instead.

I am aware that not asking questions can be rude too so try and think of some innocuous ones but I feel like I often judge it wrong.

Weirdly people think I'm really confident - all this is bubbling under the surface but I'm quite good at seeming calm and friendly. I blame working in customer service!