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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 12/02/2018 00:20

I'm one of these socially awkward types. I answer questions I'm asked and I've got better at remembering to ask questions back, but I often feel I 'could do better'.
I like to hear about other people's lives and their views. I already know about my own, so talking about that isn't very interesting to me.

AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 00:20

But I agree that some people just don't want to chat.

Just shrug your shoulders and move on would be my advice.

Grenoble124 · 12/02/2018 00:24

Conversation with a family member:
Me: It' snowing here
Them: It's not snowing here

Me: I'm not sleeping well
Them: I'm sleeping ok

Me: I had steak for dinner
Them: The last time I had a strak was (reminisces about this for ten minutes)

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2018 00:24

As you say, you have quite strict ideas about how a conversation should go. Why not just go with the flow?

Original poster
200thousand · 12/02/2018 00:27

gwen - in a way you're right. but when conversation seems to stunt (and you're stuck with someone for a couple of hours e.g. on a playdate) it seems simple to ask a question tho? to get it flowing again?

OP posts:
Tortycat · 12/02/2018 00:29

YANBU - i find it strange when people dont ask questions at all. Ime the worst offenders are often men. I take it to mean they have no interest (clearly right going on posters above!), or are private themselves abd dont wish to pry. However i work in mental health and ask questions for a living so i wonder if this gives me a skewed sense of normal and do try to rein it in.

Lashalicious · 12/02/2018 00:31

So agree with you, op!

paxillin · 12/02/2018 00:32

Perhaps they feel interrogated? I have an acquaintance who overwhelms me with questions. I'd bite my tongue off before I'd ask her anything. If I thought it might stop the permanent interviewing, I would. I have tried in the past, it doesn't.

Motoko · 12/02/2018 00:34

When I was younger, I was quite shy, so making conversation with somebody I'd just met was very difficult for me. I'd just answer their questions, but didn't know to ask them questions back. It just felt really awkward.

It took a lot of time to gain confidence in myself and to ask questions back, but I still find myself doing it occasionally.

lookingforthedroids · 12/02/2018 00:37

Depends on the question though, doesn't it?

Asking someone "Did you watch programme xyz on the telly last night?" is entirely different from saying "What's your favourite television programme?" The first is just general chit-chat, the second requires an explicit answer about likes and dislikes. If it's followed by more questions, it can make you feel uncomfortable.

A list of questions feels like an interrogation to some people.

Ssssurvey · 12/02/2018 00:42

I'm quite happy with a silence in the playdate situation you describe. It's okay to chat but it's all yadda yadda, and the next time you see the person you are expected to remember what they said, if not you are rude. Agree with PPs that some people are nosey and some are not.

Julie8008 · 12/02/2018 00:45

in a social situation e.g. playdate - what else do you suggest for making conversation?

I make small talk about the weather, about celebrate Big Brother, about the cost of the venue we are in etc etc, I would't ask anyone about their personal life. And I dont want to know about theirs.

Floralnomad · 12/02/2018 00:45

YANBU , my BIL is like this, the entirety of any conversation has to revolve around him and he’s not remotely interested in anybody else or their opinions , he is completely ignorant .

franktheskank · 12/02/2018 00:50

I don't ask people questions about themselves unless I'm interested in getting to know them as a friend, and I get a feeling right from the beginning if I want to be friends with someone.

Also I like talking about myself Grin

PonyPals · 12/02/2018 00:52

I completely agree with you!
So many people are socially inept and just care about themselves!!!
I remember play groups were the worst. Why would I want to hear all the details about your kids life when you don't even bother to pause and ask a question back.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 12/02/2018 00:54

I find this too, and I am not talking about strangers who I have just met either, I don’t want to talk about myself much but it would be nice to be asked on the odd occasion if I had a nice weekend! I have put it to the test on a couple of occasions and not tried to keep the conversation going and we have just sat in silence, it’s really quite bizarre. It’s also not just a case of asking questions about the person either, some people can’t seem to make general chit chat, I get texts from certain friends who want to meet me for lunch or whatever and I have got to the stage now where I just don’t want to meet them as it is literally exhausting being the one who has to lead the conversation and think of things to say all the time, it would be nice if it was a two way street.

Sitranced · 12/02/2018 00:55

People ask you what you do for a living to calculate the level of respect to give you.

FleurDeLizzie · 12/02/2018 00:58

The most meaningful conversations come naturally.

Something happens. A says this, then B says that. Then C joins in because she has an opinion.

Question and answer scenario is stilted and destined to failure.
Unless Dentist A says to dentist B "What do you do?" "I''m a dentist"
"So am I" Conversation might then ensue.

I'm utter shit at small talk and I actively avoid it.
If I'm at a place where we all have something specific in common,
like a group support meeting where we all have a similar problem in common (e.g. a child suffering a similar disability to mine) then I've found conversation runs like a well oiled wheel. Lots to share.

But plop me into a situation where I was just expected to gel with a load of random people and their wives I'd just clam up and want to go home.

AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 01:00

Some people do, not all.

It's a question I avoid initially though as it can make people feel judged.

AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 01:01

There are techniques for small talk if you want to get better at it.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/02/2018 01:01

Should be 2 way... Not just with questions, but joint effort in keeping the convo going!

Personally I loathe small talk... But its often the only way to lead on to deeper/more personal topics if you're going to be pals

If you want to make a friend of me Grin

XmasInTintagel · 12/02/2018 01:01

YABU - why would you ask a stranger details about their life. Its weird.
Not really, the OP was clear she didn't ask anything v personal, and for instance, if you have meetings at work with other teams, in the breaks its expected that you'll all converse civilly, and not purely about work.

I do find the same OP, I'm seen as pretty quiet, but I always seem to be keeping the conversation moving by asking questions, and getting long detailed answers..without any questions back.

A classic (admittedly boring!) question..'are you off anywhere exciting on holiday?', can typically prompt a 10 minute discourse, but no 'what about you', which would be a pretty easy question!

PerspicaciaTick · 12/02/2018 01:05

I struggle to know at what point in a new relationship it becomes acceptable to ask for (and expect to receive) lots of personal information about the other person. I tend to assume that people are private and will share what they want to share. I do not want to make them feel uncomfortable by expecting them to share more than they are offering.
It probably means that I err on the side of caution and misjudge things quite often. I can't decide if it worse to be seen as standoffish or as a nosy cow.

Original poster
200thousand · 12/02/2018 01:05

i'm thinking maybe we were just mismatched...

or maybe i have too high expectations of making friends or something. I'd like to be friends with lots of people but maybe lots of people aren't up for it?

or maybe like some say I was being intrusive (that said I did try not to be but I guess levels of perceived intrusiveness vary from person to person)...?!

OP posts:
FleurDeLizzie · 12/02/2018 01:08

I do find the same OP, I'm seen as pretty quiet, but I always seem to be keeping the conversation moving by asking questions

I'm a bit the same. Quiet, yet I find silence uncomfortable, so I feel the need to fill the gap with random chattery questions.
It's been remarked by my daughter that I seem to feel the need to fill the silent gaps. And also that it is not my responsibility to do that.

Consequently I've now resolved to stop doing it. Let somebody else do it if they feel they must.

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