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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
Julie8008 · 12/02/2018 01:11

OP do you think people are strange if they dont want to be friends with you?

AntArcticFox · 12/02/2018 01:13

Perception s of intrusiveness definitely do vary!

If the mismatch is too great it is probably not worth trying to broach the gulf.

Then again If you are at the playdate and children's group stage I would say just maintaining a friendly demeanour and small talk with a wide range of people may seem superficial but makes for better times when you run into the same parents at other, later stages.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2018 01:15

I can see where the OP is coming from. If you're making conversation with someone it's pretty one sided if there's no reciprocal question. It doesn't have to be very deep or personal. It's just courtesy surely?

paxillin · 12/02/2018 01:17

What are you asking though?

Since you mention having to fill the silence at playdates I assume the children are very young. Are you talking about stuff like "What do you think of the new room split at the nursery the kids attend?" or "Have you gone to rhyme time/ Peppa Pig world"? Those would be small talk beyond weather, but not too personal, either.

just general stuff about their career, life whatever

Career questions can be tricky, they assume a lovely career. General life questions can be intrusive, their holiday destination might be the local park with young kids, or perhaps visiting unloved in-laws.

ilovesooty · 12/02/2018 01:17

It's a bit sad if people perceive well mannered two sided interaction as nosiness. Where did the OP say she was trying to get other people to be friends with her?

FleurDeLizzie · 12/02/2018 01:19

My take is that if somebody doesn't immediately engage in conversation with me, they are more likely to be shy than stand offish. It doesn't really impact me either way. If I'm destined to see them again somewhere then we'll have a bit of history. And then, if again, even more history. Then we'll be almost friends. Then we might talk about where we were last time we met and then conversation might take off. Then we might be almost proper friends.

It happens natural. I don't sweat it.

FleurDeLizzie · 12/02/2018 01:20

AntArcticFox

x post.

pringlecat · 12/02/2018 01:21

I don't like to be intrusive, so I often err on the side of not asking personal questions. Sometimes I appreciate it can make me feel self-centred, but I try to share what I'm comfortable with, to make the other person comfortable enough to volunteer similar information.

I won't ask you all the intimate details of your life. But if you tell them to me, I will listen and I will provide empathy and compassion. I'm one of life's natural listeners rather than chatterboxes. People tend to be one or the other IMHO!

pringlecat · 12/02/2018 01:22

** make me seem self-centred

PerspicaciaTick · 12/02/2018 01:27

pringlecat - that is pretty much my approach too.

RhodaBorrocks · 12/02/2018 01:29

*When I was younger, I was quite shy, so making conversation with somebody I'd just met was very difficult for me. I'd just answer their questions, but didn't know to ask them questions back. It just felt really awkward.

It took a lot of time to gain confidence in myself and to ask questions back, but I still find myself doing it occasionally.*

THIS! I have social anxiety and when I'm feeling particularly anxious I can manage to answer questions about myself but often forget to ask questions of others until afterwards and I've calmed down.

It also takes me awhile to get to know someone before I feel I'm not being totally nosey when I ask questions. This week I asked two new friends what their jobs were after knowing them for the past month through a social group that meets once a week. They hadn't asked me what I do as they thought I didn't work because I'm a single parent. I volunteered it in the end, but didn't feel bad about it, just slipped it into the conversation.

I have another friend who has anxiety and she says she asks questions so people don't ask about her. She feels her life is boring so she often will ask me so many questions it's easy to get sucked in and just answer and talk about myself for hours. I've found ways to engage her on her specific projects ("So tell me about X that I saw you working on on Facebook - it looked fascinating!") So that it doesn't cone across as questioning. She usually masterfully diverts back to me somehow, but we do always both go away feeling like we've had a good catch up.

I found small talk in general Mums groups unbearable because it was based on assumptions ("what does your husband do?") but I've now made a group of friends through SN support groups and we just get stuck right in now, even when new people join us, and don't bother with small talk. We just jump in nattering away and little things like jobs, other kids, husbands (or lack of them) just pop up if relevant - much more my style of conversation.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 12/02/2018 01:51

I don't ask questions because I am socially awkward and it just ends up sounding like an interrogation.

Feliciaxxx · 12/02/2018 01:55

I think it shows a lack of social skills or ignorance really. My DILs are like that - talk about themselves for hours but never ask any questions of me. I don't mind at all but it's quite an interesting insight into their characters. My DF's DP is the exact opposite; she will actually research various topics/hobbies that family members are involved in so that she can have a proper conversation with them . . . and she's 87!

paxillin · 12/02/2018 01:59

I think it shows a lack of social skills or ignorance really.

This could be said for both sides. A fellow playdate parent asking me about my life may have overstepped the mark. Our level of acquaintance might not be close enough for me to discuss my holiday plans or house. It really depends what was asked and how close the people in the conversation are.

mommytoboo86 · 12/02/2018 02:03

I don't ask questions cos of my anxiety but also wen in a group setting were I only know 1 person I won't talk 2 any1 other than yes, no wen asked a direct question etc so I apparently come across as a rude ignorant snob. I have gotten better but even with my best friend I feel a twat most of the time as I try 2 make conversation but it's always the same questions lol

Feliciaxxx · 12/02/2018 02:05

I wouldn't expect that level of intimacy from a casual acquaintance/neighbour but from family members or work colleagues I would.

paxillin · 12/02/2018 02:12

I agree, from a family member I would generally expect it, too. OP is talking about a fellow playdate parent with whom she needs to kill 2 hours. Those can be total strangers ("Ben's mum" or "Jim's dad").

Exiguous · 12/02/2018 02:23

This is the most British thread ever :-)

toffee1000 · 12/02/2018 02:51

I have ASD which makes things more difficult. I remember at a university open day someone randomly asked me what course I was doing. I was so thrown at being asked a question by a complete stranger (probably because I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do it myself) that I just blurted out the reply and didn’t ask them the same question. My mother told me that I shouldn’t have done. Social rules/norms don’t come naturally to me.

AstridWhite · 12/02/2018 02:57

Funnily enough I was thinking about this yesterday. It's all about striking the right balance between seeming interested but not performing the Spanish Inquisition. Likewise when talking, you want to give people enough of yourself, but not so much that you are holding court and taking over. Some people are just rubbish at getting the balance right.

I ask appropriate questions I think, in both content and quantity and I do really listen and remember what people have told me about themselves. I find that some people (men, usually) go through the motions of asking all the right questions in the name of polite social discourse but they aren't really interested in the answer and won't remember anything you tell them, so when you meet them next they ask all the same questions on a loop. I hate that and I see right through it.

I also hate it when a conversation is like pulling teeth and you end up having to do all the work and get nothing in return. Asking questions and being rewarded with very closed one sentence answers. Handing them a lifeline over and over, just to see them drop it repeatedly and stare blankly and expectantly at you. I wonder why those people bother leaving the house to socialise at all, really. Confused

Then there are the ones who like to talk but don't ask you anything back.

I recently had coffee with a new acquaintance after a shared hobby session. It was very much an unspoken 'testing the waters' thing, exploring whether we might become friends.

She asked absolutely NOTHING about me, she just talked AT me about herself for 1 hour and 45 minutes solid. I could barely get a word in edgeways and when I did, it was because I was interjecting with a few questions so she could clarify or expand on what she was already telling me.

If I tried to add anything about my own opinions or experiences she'd nod impatiently, mutter a couple of words in vague acknowledgment then swiftly turn it back to herself. I felt like a TV chat show host, merely there to draw stories from my star guest and listen obediently.

It really was the most peculiar experience. Like an impenetrable wall of speech. Confused

I think I could have dropped into the conversation that I was married to Idris Elba, had 14 children, a pet tiger and a terrible kleptomania habit and it would not have registered with her AT ALL.

HerRoyalNotness · 12/02/2018 03:36

I agree OP. I had a friend, let's call him Simon, as that was his name. He had a rule for dating, if you've asked three questions and they haven't asked you one, move on. It applies socially too.

We had friends who always comment that we show a great interest in them and others and always ask them about themselves. We stood out it appears as most people like to talk about themselves.

I went to a dinner with my DHs colleagues and asked them questions and chatted, they did not ask a single thing. Even when one said, oh yes, his wife is from Xyz country, the wife just went 'oh' and carried on talking about herself. She did not have one question to ask me about the far flung, exotic to some, place I came from. SO weird.

HerRoyalNotness · 12/02/2018 03:38

And I have to say I'm an introvert, socially anxious and all that, but still I can think of inoffensive questions to ask, in the effort to get to know people.

TeeBee · 12/02/2018 03:45

I have no interest in small talk. If someone wants to discuss concepts or something interesting then there will be a to and fro of us directing the conversation and asking for more information but small talk, totally not interested. I find it false and boring and wouldn't ask questions unless I genuinely wanted to know the answer. I would probably answer questions so as not to come across as impolite but i would find it generally intrusive.

Bettyfood · 12/02/2018 03:45

People are scared to ask, awkward, uninterested or self-obsessed. Lots of people have poor social skills for various reasons.

Bettyfood · 12/02/2018 03:48

She did not have one question to ask me about the far flung, exotic to some, place I came from. SO weird.

Just tell the group anyway if you think it might be interesting or relevant to conversation. You don't need to wait to be asked.