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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 14/02/2018 10:43

I don't see how 'where are you from' can be offensive. Really can't see it. Do your BAME friends see it as racist

It's racist in the situation such as asking a dark skinned person with a British accent 'where are you from' and when they reply Leeds, London, Cardiff etc, follow it up with 'No, where are you really from', insituating that, while they may have lived in the UK all their lives, and their parents may also have been born here, you still see them as an immigrant.

Belindabauer · 14/02/2018 10:46

As has been said there's a difference in being in a park where a stranger might strike up a conversation and attending say a works event where you don't know anyone.
In the first instance I wouldnt start a conversation or expect to a answer questions, other than maybe do you know the way to x.
In the second senario I would expect to make small talk with others such as, which department do you work in? Have you worked here long? etc.
As part of a training day I had to spent some time with others on my grade, we were supposed to spend the time mixing and sharing ideas. I didn't know anyone else, some of the others did. They spent the time talking about personal issues with no relevance to me. I couldn't join in the conversation because they were talking specifically about incidents/people I had no knowledge of. Total waste of time for me as they made no effort to include me.
My manager asked me to attend a similar event again, I refused and explained why.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2018 10:46

Well, sure. I was referring to non-British accents.

HarrietSmith · 14/02/2018 10:47

My mother who spent her childhood in Berlin in the 1930s before her family emigrated in order to save their livelihoods (and lives), finds the question 'Are you Jewish?' one that she doesn't wish to be asked.

I think most of us - on reflection - should be able to work out why.

waterlego6064 · 14/02/2018 11:03

Yes, that’s a very insensitive question Harriet 😕

Re- ‘where are you from?’ If I am talking to a person of colour, I would be more inclined to ask ‘whereabouts do you live?’ for that exact reason: I don’t want to be misconstrued as someone who assumes non-white people are not British.

KERALA1 · 14/02/2018 11:37

Remember a cringe making conversation when an Indian family arrived at my all white somerset village in the 80s between the 8 year old and an elderly slightly clueless teacher.

Teacher: "Are there beautiful sun sets where you are from"
Child: "Oh yes"
Teacher: "Is it lovely and warm"
Child: "Yes definitely"
Teacher: "Where are you from exactly?"
Child: "Birmingham"

ReelingLush18 · 14/02/2018 11:51

KERALA1 I can imagine a similar conversation still happening in some of the ethnically non-diverse parts of the UK.

MiniDoofa · 14/02/2018 11:54

YANBU OP!!!!! It's called conversation however many people are so self centred these days they cannot see past their nosexlet alone know how to engage in a chat. 'Tis painful.

MiniDoofa · 14/02/2018 11:55

Eeek!!
Nosexlet.... nose, let alone ...

castlepark · 14/02/2018 14:29

I'm a sahm and not bothered if people ask what I do, if they seem like they're judging me then they're not someone I wanna talk to anyway, knobs.

dottypotter · 14/02/2018 14:58

some people don't ask any questions some are not interested or are just not chatty. I am chatty and always ask lots.

frogclimber · 14/02/2018 15:11

I'm with all those who've said that questions such as..

"where are you from?"
"where do you live?"
"what is your career?"
& believe it of not ""what does your husband do?"

are really quite normal for a first time meeting if it's something like a play date where you're going to spend at least an hour, if not two or three with a person one on one. I can't see how they're offensive at all (I would consider it far stranger to spend a couple of hours with someone new who had entered into the social situation of their own free will and not come away knowing the very basics about their life. I mean, does anyone really enjoy discussing the weather at length? Does anyone really want to spend hours with someone and have to make a supreme effort to make sure you don't find out anything interesting about them at all?! And surely if someone asks you what you do and then treats you as if you're second rate because they clearly deem your job substandard, then this is information that is useful to have. You know not to invite them to stay next time your kids have a play date. But why assume that's their motivation? I spent 8 years working in a call centre for close to minimum wage on account of health problems which meant a graduate job was not an option despite me having a good degree and I've never encountered anyone treating me as lesser because of it (although I'm not saying that anyone who's had this experience is making it up). In fact, most people have seemed to enjoy hearing my stories of the kinds of crazy and moronic things you get asked by callers and we've always had a good laugh. Now I'm working in a higher earning graduate job and I don't feel people are judging me as being better than my formal self. They are just looking to find out the very basics about your life so they have something to work with and don't end up being forced to talk about the weather at length, given it's a subject known to bore most people to tears (unless it's particularly extreme - hurricane bawbag up hear in Scotland could be quite fun to discuss!).

waterlego6064 · 14/02/2018 17:20

LOL @ hurricane bawbag 😂 I’m all the way down on the South Coast and it is hideous today. Managed to get the dog out for an hour and a half on the beach, but spent most of it checking my watch to see when I could go home 😂

Gwenhwyfar · 14/02/2018 19:21

"I spent 8 years working in a call centre for close to minimum wage on account of health problems which meant a graduate job was not an option despite me having a good degree and I've never encountered anyone treating me as lesser because of it (although I'm not saying that anyone who's had this experience is making it up)."

It depends where you live and the kind of people you know. Nobody judges me for being in admin where I live now, but they did where I lived before. It's easy to say that I wouldn't want snobs as friends anyway, but not so easy to deal with the regular rejection.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/02/2018 19:25

"I think it's rude to ask what your husband does, or what you do really. I always think it's a way of trying to place you on a social scale, but perhaps that's just my paranoia. "

Not paranoia. It definitely is used that way by snobby people. However, our work is a central part of our lives and it would be quite odd to completely ignore it when meeting people.

Ifailed · 14/02/2018 19:27

frogclimber
If you talk how you write I'd be completely exhausted trying to keep up with you.

waterlego6064 · 14/02/2018 21:46

I find frogclimber engaging and erudite! Just goes to show, we all like different things. Like everyone, I’m not always in the mood to chat, but when I am, I hope to meet people like frog Smile

JeffsNewAngle · 14/02/2018 23:51

That’s the thing though, you don’t have to have small talk to have a conversation: just start as you mean to go on and talk about previous arrests/police records if you have any chalked up, favorite sex positions, the price of pineapples, lemurs in their natural habitat, strange clouds you saw on the way over, Liberty prints, or how you hate small talk and how humdrum and tedious it is.

I’m very happy to say that most people I meet are very happy to discuss their allotments, tattoos, haunted houses, their episiotomies, and inheritance battles without so much as a how do you do.
All because I say I don't do small talk as I find it boring.
I let those who ask questions and obviously aren’t interested in having a conversation slope off to their fellow Inquisitors, where they can quiz each other till they’re both entirely satisfied by the exchange of information, and can believe they’re actually engaging with each other at a profound level.

I draw the line at people who have their default ‘conversation’ set at sports or hobbies.... there is nothing like a running bore... or someone who recounts The News, as I can read that myself.

I prefer the hoary gories.... preferably with copious sprinklings of internecine warfare.
Or just a good book recommendation, or earwiggy tales from the dahlia beds, but anyone who tells me their latest marathon time, or how many sodden laps they swam at the crack of dawn, or their new juicing/ carb eating regimen gets the heave from me: likewise those unimaginative souls who only ask questions, and have no conversation.

RidingWindhorses · 15/02/2018 08:16

What you describe is smalltalk Jeff it's just on less conventional topics. And the self-regard in your post is tiresome.

Conversation about allotments would be as tedious to me as sport.

The point of smalltalk is to find out what the two interlocutors are interested in, find a subject of interest to both. You won't know that someone has an allotment or dahlia beds if you don't do the ordinary conversational spadework first.

And an interesting conversation can't be defined by subject either - it depends on the person telling the story. An interesting and funny person could make a story about sport entertaining, while a dull person could conversely boringly on Shakespeare.

JeffsNewAngle · 15/02/2018 12:46

I like what you did with that spade windhorses.

Maybe it’s the tsampa you’re finding tedious?

endchauvinism · 15/02/2018 19:46

I'm late to this discussion and also new to this board but I figured I'd chime in because I'm going through this with a new man that I'm dating. I know he likes me but he makes it hard to talk to him sometimes because he rarely asks questions and I have to usually be the one thinking up conversation topics. He seems nervous and also lacking social skill.
I think someone who's polite and knows how to converse well will ask questions, even if they're not interested in the answer. There are plenty of light, non-personal questions you can ask someone. But it doesn't always mean they aren't interested in you as a person.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 16/02/2018 00:56

I wonder where OP is, because?

I've been thinking...

  1. Was this thread a basis for a thesis? and/or
  2. A social experiment?
ReelingLush18 · 16/02/2018 08:02

There really is an art to successful small talk/chit-chat. It shouldn't be underestimated.

LadyinCement · 17/02/2018 16:38

I agree it does sound like a social experiment!

I've been catching up with this thread and I must admit reading some of the responses has left me feeling a bit down. Lots of sneering about saddos starting conversations. A poster upthread said with some indignation that they only enjoy conversation with people they know . I must admit I was scratching my head wondering how they had ever got to know anyone after primary school.

Reminds me of this (abridged) Jerry Seinfeld quote which seems a bit pompous:
"you're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications ...we're just not hiring right now."

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2018 01:08

"A poster upthread said with some indignation that they only enjoy conversation with people they know . I must admit I was scratching my head wondering how they had ever got to know anyone after primary school. "

I suppose you get to know them gradually i.e. they are in your group but you don't talk directly to them until you've seen them out and about for a while. You can know someone you've never spoken to - at work for example.

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