Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
Charolais · 12/02/2018 04:19

I get bombarded with questions and I hate it. This is how it always goes;

“Oh you have an accent, where are you from"? "England, I thought so". They proceed to ask all of the following, and more, and its gone on for 45 yrs - ever since I’ve been here;

How long have you been here?
Do you have family in England?
Why did you come here?
Do you miss England?
Do you get back there much?

I hate it. I get these questions almost every time I open my mouth.

I don’t want to make new friends. I just want to be left in peace.

NotTheFordType · 12/02/2018 04:36

This thread has made me realise that I'm pretty okay with performing social interactions with clients and colleagues, but pretty shit at doing so when I'm not being paid, probably because I don't see the benefit.

Like PickAChew, I'm only going to ask a question (when I'm off the clock) if I genuinely want to know the answer, which is only going to happen if I'm either speaking to someone I already know, or someone who I think I may become friends with.

frogclimber · 12/02/2018 05:29

Any question askers in Edinburgh or nearby? I've all but given up trying to make friends through meetup. Everyone is self-obsessed or completely lacking in social skills and will only talk about themselves. I'd love to meet some genuinely inquisitive women. When I meet people who ask questions it makes me feel like I actually matter.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 12/02/2018 05:54

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NEED TO KNOW? & WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Kspir · 12/02/2018 06:10

I don’t find silence an awkward thing so don’t feel the need to ask questions to fill it. I just find random small talk about what’s on tv or whatever way more awkward then silence.

Pluckedpencil · 12/02/2018 06:23

Can't believe anyone thought you were being unreasonable. Do people not realise it's kind of societally important that we occasionally talk to people who aren't your best friend/mum/partner? Weird.

toffee1000 · 12/02/2018 06:30

SteamTrains Jesus that’s a bit aggressive!

DragonsAndCakes · 12/02/2018 06:34

I sometimes get close to doing this, because I struggle to work out the right questions to ask at the right time. If someone says ‘what are you doing at the weekend?’, once I’ve answered it feels like I should ask them the same, but it feels really fake and forced. Kind of insincere.

I also feel wary of asking questions that might have a bad answer, I mean an answer they might feel bad about saying,(like asking if they work and them saying they don’t) which cuts out quite a lot. Not saying everyone who doesn’t work feels bad about it.

With some people I just don’t get a chance to ask questions because they’re so busy doing it and because of the above.

So it’s not always ignorance or not being interested.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 06:39

Either socially inept or terminally self absorbed.

We had a paying guest for 2 weeks who did this. Professional woman not daft. By the end of the trip we both hated her.

E.g.
Me - how was your day?
Her - lengthy answer
Me- that sounds good. Did you enjoy x
Her - lengthy answer.

In the whole trip she didn't ask us one question about ourselves. Not one. All conversation initiated by us and so focussed on her - which she obviously liked as she talked at length about herself and was very confident. You don't realise how bad it is until you experience it yourself.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 12/02/2018 06:40

I don’t usually ask questions when I meet new people, not straight away anyway. Not because I’m self obsessed, far from it. More to think I always think they might think I’m prying. I’m aware it does make you lame look self obsessed I just feel like I don’t wanna put any one out.

Dolphincrossing · 12/02/2018 06:41

Have to admit I’m not a fan of having questions fired at me in the way Charolais describes. It makes me feel self conscious and awkward.

Readermumof3 · 12/02/2018 06:41

I'm with @PickAChew most of the time. I don't care. If I did, I'd ask.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 12/02/2018 06:42

I think asking random questions is a poor substitute for real conversation.

It has happened to me a few times that people throw lots of questions at me to "create a conversation" , I find these "conversations"'exhausting.

Love a bit of chat, but if it does not flow naturally I prefer silence

pigeondujour · 12/02/2018 06:43

I really think anyone who's taking a "what you up to at the weekend?" from a colleague or similar as 'intrusive' needs to get over themselves. So does anyone who says they'd never ask a question as part of a conversation because they don't care about the answer.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 06:44

Christ how rude are you? It's social discourse not "firing questions" hope you are teaching your children manners.

redjoker · 12/02/2018 06:46

Yes I've been thinking this for ages. Recently joined an app for new mums. Great.

Joe blogs adds me as a friend. Says hi. I write a few sentences back. First time mum blah blah blah. How about you first child etc etc.

Answer: yes this is my first child.

Many variants on that. YOU add me as a "friend" and then won't engage a conversation.

I used to try and respond with more questions and chat but now I just don't reply. If you can't be bothered why reach out and try and talk?

Dolphincrossing · 12/02/2018 06:47

No, really, it can be firing questions.

‘What’s your name?’
I answer.
‘Ooh that’s a nice name, is it welsh?’
I say it is not welsh
‘Where’s it from then?’
I don’t know
‘Is your mum foreign then?’
No, as English as peter Kay, I think she just liked the name.
‘Where’s she from then?’

Yaaarrrggghhh.

KERALA1 · 12/02/2018 06:51

Say for example friends mother early 70s don't know her that well but need to make conversation. Surely a normal person would say " did you have a lovely Christmas " or " how was your trip down". Etc. What would you non questioners do? Launch into a long explanation of your own Christmas?

redjoker · 12/02/2018 06:51

Second to that find it infuriating from family members. I live away from alot of my family so will txt them "hi how was work today etc"

"Good thanks"

Me- erm ok "ok great"

This convo is now dead. I wouldn't mind but then they complain that "we never talk anymore"

Also had the same from my estranged father who tried to reconnect. Had 10 years of life to catch up on and he would just kill conversations it was infuriating so I gave up

Mupflup · 12/02/2018 06:52

I think it's rude. I don't think the OP is talking about situations where the other person doesn't want to engage / feels awkward as that's usually quite easy to tell, but situations where the other person is happy to talk about themselves at length but shows absolutely no interest in you at all. DH has a family member like this - I don't think she could tell you where I work, what I do for a living, whether I have siblings etc. However I know all about Dave at work's marriage breakdown and how her great grandad was a war hero and who said what to who at the pub last week. I find it incredibly rude and self obsessed.

Dolphincrossing · 12/02/2018 06:52

Probably say yes, it was nice thanks, and then if I wasn’t wanting to make conversation or have a bit of peace try to make my excuses.

Chunkymonkey123 · 12/02/2018 06:53

I’m with you OP my cousins are like this and it makes meeting up with them exhausting. I think it’s so rude to not make equal effort in the conversation.

BarbaraofSevillle · 12/02/2018 06:53

I have a colleague like that Dolphin. Spending any time at all with her is like an interrogation.

She never stops talking and will either continue with the endless questions or witter on about drivel. It's exhausting.

SilverySurfer · 12/02/2018 07:00

I disagree OP and think it's perfectly possible to have a conversation with someone without bombarding them with questions plus if I've just met a person I'm really not interested in the minutiae of their life.

If I meet someone who does it to me I find it intrusive and will back away from the person.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/02/2018 07:01

I agree about the importance of reciprocity. I was always a bit clueless; people would ask me about something and I'd cheerfully answer at length. There would be an awkward pause and they'd change the subject. I'd wonder why they didn't fill in their side of the topic, then eventually realised that I was meant to explicitly say 'What about you?'. So now I do Grin I also try to keep an eye in general on my responses to make sure I am taking as much interest in them as they are in me and am not just monologuing.

If (in a small talk situation) a person obviously is disinclined to chat, then I stop trying and sit quietly. Ironically they then often start talking Confused I think it's maybe because my change in behaviour has made them feel bad (I.e. I obviously gave up on social interaction with them). Not sure how to change my management of that situation tbh!

As an aside, I tend to get scared of silence. My mother would get furious if I didn't chat to her in the car or was silent for too long. Her face would get darker and darker and then it would be a full-blown temper tantrum about my deficiencies as a person. I learned to think of possible (safe) conversation topics well in advance - I'd have been about 10. She also shouted at me if I didn't make polite conversation with her friends. So that didn't help....