People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

It doesn’t feel like a conversation as I’m always having to think of the next question to keep things going.

Pp said this - sorry can’t remember who

This used to be me, until a friend said that she just didn’t do it any more. If after a short while no questions were forthcoming from Other Person, then just stop. Say nothing.

It’s quite liberating!

Mummadeeze Agree, there seems to have been an assumption that those who are uncomfortable with sharing personal information upon first meeting someone automatically fall into "I only want to talk about myself" camp, which shows a remarkable lack of social skill, coming from people who boast about their amazing social skills!

If I find myself with someone new, I'll quite happily make chit chat about the occasion or event we are at, the venue etc or whatever. I will not be happy being interrogated about my life, and for those who say they only ask those questions, but aren't really interested in the answer - why do it? It sounds like a remarkable lack of skill if you have to fall back onto a list of queries in a formulaic manner, and have no ability to be inventive and reflect the time and place.

I have a stammer which is not always apparent, I’ve had horrendous anxiety most of my life and unresolved issues surrounding speech. I find spoken conversations incredibly stressful, even with friends.
So chatting to someone for the first time, is hard. Really hard. I try to ask questions, but I also have a wild cartoon imagination, so be prepared to be put into a comic as yet another individual who doesn’t quite understand, or a lemur. Or anything else that springs to mind, depending on how I feel or how much I’m panicking inside just trying to have a normal moment desperately trying to connect with a nice person, hoping I’m not scaring or annoying them.

I don’t enjoy talking about myself. Or talking. Especially if they start asking me about my stammer.
But I’ll draw the crap out of something for you in the hope it will make you laugh.

Ifailed You’re right that there had been some confusion of the two ‘types’ of people- but that came from the responses, not the OP.

The OP clarified in a subsequent post that she is not advocating asking prying questions of people she doesn’t know well. She was commenting on the types of people who hold court and deliver a lengthy monologue about themselves without showing an interest in their listener.

JDEE Your comic illustrations sound very creative and interesting! I would love to be a lemur in a comic!

I think it is perfectly possible to be very chatty and respond to questions - and to protect one's privacy in relation to people who are relative strangers and/or may not appear sympathetic.

I had a difficult childhood, and adult life has also contained some disappointments and setbacks - particularly in the field of work. One of my stepchildren has also experienced setbacks. However, I also have 'cover stories'. They're not lies. But they enable me to talk with apparent freedom about my parents, the various kinds of jobs I've had,, the interesting things my stepchild has done. At the same time more personal thoughts and confidences can be kept until such time that it feels appropriate. If people, after talking to me, form the opinion, 'She's a bit weird, ' I really don't care. I'd be sorry if I upset close personal friends, but the judgements of relative strangers aren't a big deal. (Growing up is such a liberation. One know longer cares that much about what people think.)

I tend to assume that most people have got cover stories, to mask more personal issues in their lives.

I make chit chat and take an interest in people... remember shit they tell me about themselves

But they never reciprocate.

It's fucking ignorant

It is so frustrating. My wider social circle is absolutely littered with people like this.

I am always so amused to watch their eyes glaze over and wander around the room when they're forced to talk about someone else.

Ifailed - I find it odd that "asking questions" immediately made some posters very defensive and assumed the posters meant asking personal, intrusive questions.

Most questions in a social variety are of the "did you have a nice Christmas", "did you enjoy Paris" variety. And as Harriet points out most adults can frame a politic answer to hedge if a question unintentionally hits on an issue.

Exactly Museum. Actually I would rather someone unintentionally asked me an over personal question then didn't show any interest in me whatsoever after I had done them the courtesy of listening to their witterings for hours.

Had it recently at a child's sports match. An old friend of mine arrived as her child happened to be playing. I was chatting with a new friend. Old friend arrived and talked non stop to both of us about herself, her concerns and her child for an hour and then left. Didn't ask either of us anything. New friend and I quietly reverted to our previous two way conversation. I was abit embarrassed to be associated with old friend tbh.

Questions might also include 'which boy is yours?' or, 'How long has he been playing?' or, 'that's a beautiful pass he just made!' (the same nonsense I recycle all day long when standing on the sidelines).

Rugby and football dads can be pretty fucking clueless.

I think having good social skills for a lot of people equates to putting on a good act. My husband is very good at being polished in public, but has little genuine interest in other people and never remembers what they said to him. He comes across as very confident and good company. I on the other hand will not bother to engage much unless i am genuinely interested in someone. I can't be bothered with talking about nothing for the sake of it, so we aren't really a very good match in public. I will not work the room, I will sit in a corner and chat to one person all night, but I am genuinely interested in the conversation usually. I am not sure what is worst - his playacting or my perceived rudeness sometimes.

Oh god I know I can be a bit like this with acquaintances. I often walk away from conversations thinking oh shit I answered them when they asked what I was doing this weekend but didn't ask them what they were doing! It really stresses me out. I hate making small talk but I do try really hard to do it politely.

I do love to hear all about my friends' lives so I'm sure I don't do it with people I'm comfortable with.

Another thing is that I worry that I might ask someone something that I should already know, like their partner's name, and they'll be offended that I had forgotten.

Or I worry I might accidentally ask something too personal.

I would like to apologise to the world for being socially inept.

I think having good social skills for a lot of people equates to putting on a good act.

Well, sure. I find small talk pretty tedious and when I pull it off well, I feel like i deserve a medal. In fact my husband and I will often say, 'thanks for holding the conversation today, I was not up for it' on the way home.

JDEE, I too have a stammer, but no drawing skill! Bugger.

Had it recently at a child's sports match. An old friend of mine arrived as her child happened to be playing. I was chatting with a new friend. Old friend arrived and talked non stop to both of us about herself, her concerns and her child for an hour and then left. Didn't ask either of us anything. New friend and I quietly reverted to our previous two way conversation. I was abit embarrassed to be associated with old friend tbh.

Yes! I had drinks with a friend and her friend who I didn't know, who talked about her children all night (this friend and I have a shared disdain for mummies who can't talk about anything but their kids and I was sort of shocked that she was such good friends with this woman).

I said nothing because she was so clearly embarrassed.

Are you in London Kerala?

KERALA1, the thread has moved on, but at the start people were putting forwards things like:

"where are you from?"
"where do you live?"
"what is your career?"
& believe it of not ""what does your husband do?"

All as appropriate questions when you first met someone, such as at a play date.

Apparently if you didn't like answering these sort of questions you were some kind of social failure, unlike the interrogator who was always been praised for their social skills, presumably by fellow members of the Stasi.

Well that's just plain weird in all my many years of social interaction I have never been asked questions like that on a first meeting. Far more common is the self absorbed witterer...

Then I'm afraid, KERALA1, you've never met anyone with these superior social skills. I feel sooo sorry for you!

To be fair, if you were at a play date in a person’s house, you wouldn’t need to ask the host where they live 😬

But I don’t think ‘where do you live’/‘where are you from’ is particularly intrusive actually, as a way in to conversation. It’s not an attempt to find out the person’s address. Just a vague geographical location!

I think it's rude to ask what your husband does, or what you do really. I always think it's a way of trying to place you on a social scale, but perhaps that's just my paranoia. I don't care what someone's husband does or how big their house is, or whether their kids are A star students who invented amazing things. I just want to find out what their human experience is really. I don't think most people are interested in much apart from some sort of game of oneupmanship, or talking on and on and on about how great they are.

A lot of my BAME friends find "where are you from?" a highly intrusive question!

‘where do you live’/‘where are you from’ type questions can be loaded with meaning though. People can make all sorts of judgements called based on responses.

I think it's rude to ask what your husband does, or what you do really.

I agree, although it's a crime of a far higher order to ask what your husband does - cringe.cringe.cringe.

I don't see how 'where are you from' can be offensive. Really can't see it. Do your BAME friends see it as racist?

Of those people who are able to make small talk, they tend to ask me this very early on because I have an American accent- this frequently leads into Trump questions but less often now.

Exactly...

What do you do? “I’m a GP/collect the trolleys at Aldi/SAHM”...many assumptions can and are made.

I was asked what do you do? I said I am a sahm and Carer for my 17 yr old son. I was then duly ignored and let the conversation carry on around me as I smiled and nodded at others. I failed to mention that I was a classical dancer, training at the same establishment as Darcey Bussell; that I worked professionally for many years, had an equity card, did some TV work and had a singing voice of astonishing range.

Not everyone wants to talk about themselves.