People who don't ask any questions

[200thousand]

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

frogclimber oh I KNOW really that they wouldn’t judge me, my anxiety just jumps in and says they would. Anxiety can fuck off! I suppose an answer could be to actually do something even if it was just go to the cinema or see a friend.
Boats I am definitely an introvert but I’m not secure in myself. There are a few reasons for that though. I get anxious in social situations, and looking back at situations like school and university I gave off massive FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE vibes. Not in an aggressive way mind, just a “Jesus Christ I am so nervous please don’t talk to me I’m afraid I’ll make a fool of myself” sort of way.
I swear I saw somewhere (may have been on MN I don’t know) that when you first meet someone, they are generally going to be inclined to like you/be neutral, they’re not going to hate you for no given reason. I wish to God I could remember that sometimes.

It depends on where you live. Unfortunately, we moved to a place where people were suspicious of strangers and would shut down if you tried to carry on a conversation as described. It was embarrassing to smile and pleasantly ask a polite question to be met with frosty silence, especially in front of my children for whom I was trying to be a good example.

Someone there told me, "i moved away from here and when people would speak to me in public, i thought that they were off, that they wanted something from me."

My mil thinks I'm trying to steal money from her if i ask where she purchased her sweater.

I didn't have bad manners in the beginning but i rarely ask questions of anyone now; it's self defense.

After reading all of the many opinions. I think that this may be one of the more enlightening threads. I usually enjoy people and didn't know there were so many reasons for quietness.

Aside from living in that dreadful cold place and my protests of no longer asking questions, i remembered a conversation with dd.

We had just listened to a cashier tell a story from her childhood (about a chicken) and as we looked for our car, I said to my dd, "isn't it lovely when people share their stories?"

She replied, "You are the only one willing to listen and interested in their stories!"

I was so surprised. It is what makes me happy; i love to hear other people's stories. I already know all of mine.

And yes. I am more cautious now. The world is becoming an angry and hostile place. Sometimes, i talk too much bc I'm afraid that if i ask a question, you'll stop talking, so i natter on, hoping you'll join me by volunteering something about yourself.
(this is assuming you're responding happily to my ramblings. Otherwise, I've probably slunk off sadly.)

Abbylee the thing is, most people who are at a checkout do not have the time to listen to the cashier tell a random story from their childhood. They want to pay for their shopping and go. There could be a multitude of reasons, but checkouts are generally not the place for a long chat. If you’re in a supermarket, you are potentially holding up other customers who also want to get their shopping over with.
I have a fair idea of where the “dreadful cold place” is. Despite your negative judgement (not saying you’re wrong, you clearly had bad experiences), there are plenty of friendly people everywhere. They just aren’t as open as you are. You may enjoy hearing people’s stories, but they may not feel comfortable sharing intimate details about their lives with a complete stranger who they’ll likely never see again. It is all about time and place.

I have found this thread surprising. I often find Mumsnet surprising and ask myself the extent to which Mumsnetters are representative of the general population.

I am not a Christian but was brought up in a vaguely Christian atmosphere. So I realise that although not a believer I am influenced by Christian values.

This thread made me remember a Biblical passage which I have looked up.

“'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself."

Following the latter commandment is, of course, difficult. But isn't it sad that so few of us even try....?

Oh gosh. I'm definately on the talk is good side. But when we got onto cashiers chatting to you in the supermarket definately not. I hate it, our sainsburys must have z new initiative. It's not just hello how's it going anymore but interesting stories and anecdotes. Argh

I'll happily chat to a cashier in a supermarket, but while I'm packing, not after I've finished paying and there's a queue. Quite happy to hear their short life stories.

We are going to see family this weekend. Just overnight. By the time we leave we will know every single detail of their (adult) kids’ incredibly successful, wonderful lives, plus the similarly wonderful lives of all their friends & neighbours.

As we are closing the car door to leave, she MAY throw the parting line “your kids ok, yeah?”

I will hate myself for the entire journey home and spend the next 6 months swearing never to see them again. Until the next time.

I am naturally quiet with a small voice. I always intend to try to bring our lives/kids into the conversation, but just get steam-rollered by a more insistent, exuberant person talking ‘at’ me. I get tired and give up, it’s easier just to let them prattle on while I nod, smile and inwardly churn with resentment.

Our kids are incredibly happy and successful, btw

Your relatives sound v rude! I have a couple like that - but not as bad - and when I deem it “our turn” just start prattling about stuff or ask DH Qs and he does! Not usually about the DC though, it’s tiresome when people boast about their DC so I don’t want to add to that!

I made a big pronouncement yesterday and then disappeared for the day which wasn't exactly a good conversation from me. I think there has been some really great discussion about this - I noticed Kerala in particular. It's interesting to see the different views and perhaps misunderstandings about what people think about conversations. I do think a nice chat and having someone who is interested in you helps to make the world go round. The trick seems to be making sure you're not invading someone's space while you're doing that. The art of conversation.

I am aware that I am not as polite as some, and I know I tend not to fake the interest social norms say I should. In the moment, when I am asked about a subject I am very interested in I cannot help but give a long animated and probably boring reply. When I realise the question was asked for the sake of conversation if there is still time I ask something back but it is a bit crushing to be pressured into following a pattern of niceties and to realise you have been had and I say less than if we had been silent except for genuine conversation. It makes me feel embarrassed. Where I grew up if you had nothing worth saying you kept quiet and enjoyed the world together in silence!

I do think a nice chat and having someone who is interested in you helps to make the world go round. I totally agree and it can help dispel many assumptions people make about other people (often wrongly).

I think the secret is to facilitate flowing conversation that allows for 'self-revealing' if the participants feel comfortable or to let 'generalised' conversation be just as acceptable.

And I think in some situations (such as parties) meeting new people requires an over blunt (some might say crude) approach to the 'art of 'conversation' which loses much of the subtlety of nuanced self-revealing with which most people are comfortable.

you are BU. Sometimes I am not in a mood to make small talk, especially with somebody I might never see again. Also becoming friend with somebody takes time and I do not like the expectation that because two kids play together the parents automatically have to become friend.

Also, you never know what people are going through. When my son’s only conversation with me was his various plans to end his life, I had to carry on with all the stuff I have to do. If someone had tried to chat to me, in the manner of the OP, at that dreadful time, she’d have thought me rude/odd/aloof/anti-social.

We are going to see family this weekend. Just overnight. By the time we leave we will know every single detail of their (adult) kids’ incredibly successful, wonderful lives, plus the similarly wonderful lives of all their friends & neighbours.

As we are closing the car door to leave, she MAY throw the parting line “your kids ok, yeah?”

This happens to me in varying degrees fairly often.

We briefly had neighbours who were American (as are we) and we invited them for drinks. They talked a lot about themselves that night, but we let it go.

They invited us over for dinner a few weeks later, and it was so weird, they brought out their son's university short and long list (American and UK universities) and we discussed his prospects the entire night.

When we left, my husband said, 'They don't even know if we went to university, or if we're gainfully employed!'

So weird. They still stopped us in the street from time to time to tell us about this kid's A-Level results.

Exactly Museum. This is what I struggle with. People who presumably aren't daft but see no problem in regaling you with every (and I mean every) detail of their own or kids lives and petty concerns without asking once about you and yours. Its just...so weird. And yet so common.

I don't think anyone has a problem with shy people or those like toffee, at least thats not how I read the thread.

Teaching kids not to be self absorbed is so so important as naturally we all are!

Museum, my in laws were like this. They were great hosts, but they talked about themselves all the time. The same stories, it was always me, me, me. They never asked any questions about me unless it was in reference to themselves, as in 'you do like lemon cake don't you, we all love lemon cake, lemon cake is the best..'. For years and years I visited them and they really knew nothing about me beyond their assumptions. I think that is really very sad.

I find this so annoying! DH has some old family friends we literally see once every two years or so (our age) they must know nothing about me or purview DCs (been together 10 years) but they never ask a thing. DH hadn’t noticed until I pointed out and now it really irritates him. I have met other people who are similar to this and find it very boring! It doesn’t feel like a conversation as I’m always having to think of the next question to keep things going.

Sorry haven't read full thread but I think this all the time. I work closely with someone I would sort of consider a friend but he never even asks if I've had a nice weekend or if I've booked leave what I'm doing. I went to a funeral recently and he didn't even ask how it was! I could go on and on! I would do all these things. Then I start to wonder if I'm just really annoying!

MAybe they have no interest in talking or specifically small talk. I’m good at small talk but appreciate it’s mainly platitude as I have no real interest

This is what it's like with my in laws love talking about themselves hardly ask me anything in return. Makes me sad but I think it speaks to them as people and their social skills

Does anyone ever admit to this though? Haven't seen any posters say "You know what I prefer not to ask questions of others because I think its best that I regale my listener with a non stop monologue about myself and my children". Is that what "doesn't like small talk" means? Or do the "not like small talk" people just not talk at all?

Think you have to judge each encounter individually, had a friend of a friend bob in to borrow something today, I was chatty, but didn’t need her life story!

As far as compliments go I’m often embarrassed to receive so would just mutter thanks - would be strange to receive oh I like your skirt, oh your jeans are lovely too!

I chat to people all the time. I love it. People tell me stuff (sometimes within minutes of meeting them), I love that too.
Different strokes for different folks.