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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
Abbylee · 13/02/2018 17:55

@toffee1000 I'm fairly certain that you do not. The people in my "dreadful cold place" are far away. However. I did not say that all of the people were awful, but the pervasive attitude of the community was that of you were not from there, you were not welcome. It was not secret, they were so ignorant as to be proud of their coldness.

Also, i would never presume to hold up a check out line. I'm not RUDE. However, i think that my point was made about anger and impatience....and perhaps presumptuousness. I think that "cashiers chatting" is a topic for another thread. One on which I will not be as I'm polite to all people both cashiers and fellow customers and able to talk and do other things at the same time. My daughter said that I'm the only one who will listen, i guess she was correct.

HowsAnnie25 · 13/02/2018 17:57

I'm simply not interested in talking to people I don't know, it's not something I'm comfortable with. I am a very private person.
I don't want to talk about me and I don't need to hear about you. I'm not

rude if someone does make small talk but I just find the whole thing awkward and unnecessary.

HowsAnnie25 · 13/02/2018 18:01

I also tend to over think things and play back stupid conversations over and over (like I'm doing about my original comment right now!) and agonise over why I said something so dumb. So I avoid it.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 13/02/2018 18:05

BrandNewHouse - it's not a case of that at all I don't think. I don't feel superior to anyone. I'll be polite to people wanting to chat on buses or at play dates or training days but I do try to extract myself and i'm happier left alone usually.

I spend all day every working day communicating with people - often with people who don't communicate well with others. I'm really good at it. I develop trusting and working relationships with people that often don't feel comfortable with other people.

I don't talk about myself with people I don't know well in non work situations. Because if I tell them what I do for a living they want opinions and advice which isn't always appropriate.

So I'm not rude but I think my non-verbal communication is clear that I'd rather not have a good old chat.

If someone I don't know asked me a list of questions I'd reply and probably say 'and you?' to be polite but no I'm not particularly wanting to get involved unless someone has said something that's sparked my interest.

I'm genuinely bewildered by the 'what is for tea or what are you doing today?' threads on MN. I'm not interested in what strangers are having for tea or their plans for today and can't understand why anyone would be so I don't post on those threads.

In RL I'll be polite and spend time talking to people I don't know and sometimes I enjoy it but mostly I don't and I'm mostly not interested in what they're telling me.

But I don't expect people to be interested in what I'm up to either.

Strongmummy · 13/02/2018 18:06

Kerala - not liking small talk means just that surely. You’ve got no interest in conversation that’s mainly platitude with no real depth or meaning. I find it quite easy, and ask questions, but to be frank it’s coz I hate silence rather than actually being that interested.

Ginslinger · 13/02/2018 18:13

If someone doesn't like small talk then how do you get on to the deeper friendship level - sometimes a bit of small talk is enough to know that you want to get to know this person better or fake your own death so that you never see them again. I'm puzzled about how you do this without small talk

Clarabumps · 13/02/2018 18:21

Dh has a group of friends that we occasionally socialise with. All pretty arty/professional/a bit hipster or so they’d like to think. We don’t often go out together as we don’t normally have babysitters but I always end up talking all about them. I do all the effort with conversation. It’s all one sided. The ask very little about me and my life and interests. The are all wrapped up in their careers(totally understandable) and I’ve been a stay at home mum for 10 years. I guess they think I have nothing to say but they never ask. Ever.
They just yitter on about their work or relationships or friendships. It’s just a bit disappointing.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 13/02/2018 18:23

Ginslinger - because you meet people repeatedly over a period of time? So people at school/Uni, at work etc so you get to know them. You build up a bit of a rapport.

The OP was mainly talking about meeting new people. If I meet someone new who I really like because of their personality or whatever then yeah, great I might want to get to know them better. But on the whole I don't, I'm polite but I'm not interested in a big old chat with someone I don't know on a bus, a training day, at soft play or at a wedding or party.

AngelL7 · 13/02/2018 18:27

Probably either shy or socially awkward.... like myself 🙃 although I do appreciate when someone asks me questions as it gives me a chance to reciprocate and open the way for conversation

isthismummy · 13/02/2018 18:36

YANBU op. Since moving to London I have lost track of the number of utterly one sided conversations I have had. Imo it is only manners to make sure a conversation flows both ways. It's a sad sign of the times that so many people don't seem to think this way. Surely it's just nice to be nice to other people?

Horse people are notoriously bad for it too. So many of them will just talk and talk about themselves and their horse until you're screaming for mercy. I went out on a two hour ride with someone at my stables last month. We were out for two hours and I just got a none stop monologue about her and her noble steeds achievements.

So rudeAngry

isthismummy · 13/02/2018 18:40

Are you in London by any chance Clarabumps? The number of tedious fuckers here who just drone on about their allegedly glittering but actually utterly meaningless careers is staggering. No I don't care about your start up you tedious flat white drinking,adult size scooter riding tosser. Shave your stupid beard off while you're at it as wellGrin

HidingUnderARock · 13/02/2018 18:49

I feel awkward when asked those personal questions about my life because from experience, they either have answers that will get judged, or will make the asker wish they hadn't. I could prepare some lies I suppose, but that has its own problems.
TBH I do find those questions nosey from an acquaintance or random encounter. Try the weather or the news or something about where you have met.

lilybookins · 13/02/2018 18:56

I ask a lot of questions (it’s partly what I do for work anyway) because I’m genuinely interested in and fascinated by people. Often people I’ve just met reveal things to me they may never have told anyone - I don’t know why ?!
But I do judge how far I can go with my questions and try to be aware of people’s circumstances so gauge what they may not want to talk about.
I have many friends, some very close which I think, comes in part, from being interested in other people.
But to be fair I have very few people in my life who dont ask questions - so it is a bit odd and unusual to not ask questions

ilovechocolate07 · 13/02/2018 18:59

I feel very uncomfortable being asked lots of questions and I don't tend to ask too many questions either. I'm not that bothered about what people have got, done or where they've been etc. I'd find that out in good time anyway.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 13/02/2018 19:02

I ask questions because I'm nosy! But I agree some people are self-obsessed and I'm afraid they are usually women IMHO. However, some older men can be plain grouchy!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 13/02/2018 19:04

I remember a funeral last year where I got into conversation with a woman who went on and on about the cruises and holidays she'd been on! It was very boring. But I do find most people have something interesting to talk about unless they're painfully shy, when it can be very boring.

isittooearlyforgin · 13/02/2018 19:10

Asking questions (in a non interrogatory way) opens up all kinds of possibilities and how fascinating andinteresting different people's lives and experiences can be. Imagine meeting Stephen fry, Ghandi, Marie Antoinette (insert fascinating person here) and passing up.the opportunity to find out about experiences and opinions different from your own.

notagrownup · 13/02/2018 19:28

Everyone is different, and therefore respond to social situations differently.

I hate that this is how I feel but when someone asks me a question is makes me nervous, I try to get it out in as few words as possible, simultaneously terrified that they will find me boring. It's actually something from reading this post I've realised I'm really scared about when I become a mum in a few months, all the new people.

I kick myself afterwards when I realise that I didn't ask them any questions and that I should have. Especially when they seem nice, which makes me think they probably perceive me as what the OP described - self absorbed and important which makes it almost impossible to talk to them again! 🙁

Belindabauer · 13/02/2018 19:49

Again, why I absolutely would not go to a wedding or other non work related event without my dp or a very close friend.
I do not want to sit in misery for hours on end stuck with someone who doesn't speak or bores me to tears.
I don't claim to be interesting either, only to those I'm close to.

Yb23487643 · 13/02/2018 19:53

I would love to ask people questions but really struggle treading the line between interested & nosy & hate to intrude. I talk about myself in a way of opening up & hope the other person will share their experiences too.

CheeseyToast · 13/02/2018 20:18

This is one of the few interesting threads I've read on MN.

The replies are fascinating- and telling. We have such a mix of posters and opinions: those who acknowledge each other and engage (the socially skilled), those who lash out wildly (the projectors), and those who simply post their own experience without reference to any other posts (fewer social skills, shall we say).

You can just imagine these posters in a room together Grin

Springprim · 13/02/2018 20:19

I find its a lack of being interested in anyone but themselves. It's rude to behave like that, nervous or not. People need to be taught how to interact.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2018 20:21

"People need to be taught how to interact."

That sounds so superior. There isn't one way to interact. There are different ways that suit different people.

Gravelface · 13/02/2018 20:35

I've realised I accidentally sometimes do this. The real reason is cos I detest small talk and rarely give a flying fuck about their answer. Especially if I'm only being asked a certain question so the asker can sit waiting to be asked it back (not saying that's what OP does but some people seem to)

Smudge100 · 13/02/2018 20:53

I have an acquaintanve who calls round occasionally uninvited. I know everything about her because she has told me. Repeatedly. I know intimate details about her children‘s lives. She knows nothing about me because she never asks. She is uninterested in me. I am simply a sounding board for her, my sole function in her eyes is to listen to her ramblings, the only way in which our lives intersect. She bores me rigid. I dread her visits. She leaves me feeling violated, worse than lonely. Some people have NO social skills. You can feel sorry for them if you want to but they are best avoided.