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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't ask any questions

609 replies

200thousand · 11/02/2018 23:52

Aibu - I try to ask questions when I meet people (particularly new people)... just general stuff about their career, life whatever, nothing too prying - I'd hope not to come across as prying. Just making general conversation.

You would expect people to reciprocate, when they don't ask questions back are they being polite (trying not to pry) or is it more likely they are self obsessed? Or just not interested in me (I'm not boring!)

I just think a conversation should go like this...

General chat
Question from person 1
answer from person 2
general chat
question from person 2
answer from person 1
general chat

I know that sounds a bit prescriptive, I don't mean it to, but just think on the whole you should ask someone you are chatting to questions esp if they ask you some.

recent conversations have gone:

general chat
me ask a question
answer from other person
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat
general chat
me ask another question
answer / general chat

with no questions!?

AIBU to find it a bit weird??

OP posts:
SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 13/02/2018 20:57

I find its a lack of being interested in anyone but themselves. It's rude to behave like that, nervous or not. People need to be taught how to interact.

Wait a mo...how is not asking questions nor volunteering answers rude? Would you prefer a growled "go away" before you even ask the first question?

You could try to teach interaction, but you can't force people to "make friends" or be interested in other people.

PenelopeChipShop · 13/02/2018 21:23

Smudge i have an acquaintance like this and I find her sooooo boring, all she talks about is her life, how busy she is (and she really isn’t!!) how incredibly talented and special her children are. It’s almost unbelievable actually. And yet she does seem to have loads of friends... I don’t understand how if she’s the same with them as she is with me! I’m now avoiding her.

I think I see what the OP means... you’d expect there to be equal effort to have a friendly conversation. But in Reality there isn’t one answer why people aren’t doing as she expects. It could be anything, shyness, having a bad week, social ineptitude, not really listening to her...! Everyone is different.

missuspritch · 13/02/2018 21:26

I ask the odd question and remember what people have said so I can follow up on it later, but If I met you, first time, and you started asking questions like that I honestly would feel a sudden urge to abandon the conversation and wouldn’t ask any back to try and end it quickly. It’s more of an anxiety thing though to be honest (so don’t be offended!) and it does take me a long time to warm up to people/be able to have a normal non anxious conversation with them.

Lemonyknickers · 13/02/2018 21:26

I don't ask questions, nor do I volunteer information. If people ask, I answer but I am not very social. Rarely start a conversation myself. Yes I have friends. I don't see it as rude, I assume if you want me to know stuff you'll tell me, and no, I'm probably not that interested but I will be polite.

Phineyj · 13/02/2018 21:48

This thread is really fascinating. I'm related by marriage to a couple where one never asks questions, starts a conversation (or even says hello), although her other behaviour suggests she's a kind and thoughtful person - and she's married to one of the 'broadcasting' types who apparently doesn't think anyone else has got anything to contribute to the conversation, although you hear a lot about what he thinks. They're well suited, maybe!

I wanted to say that the 87 year old lady, described a long way upthread, who reads up on topics so she can engage people in conversation, sounds absolutely brilliant. My grandpa was like that (he liked to stun us by knowing what a GCSE was or having an opinion on news events -- this was all the more impressive as he was blind and had to get all his info from talking books and the radio). I hope to be like that when I'm old.

It is incredibly flattering to think that someone enjoys talking to you and there have been times when I've been stuck somewhere that I've been so grateful for a stranger making conversation.

I think if you are a human (however unsocial) there are times you could try to pay into the conversational piggy bank, so to speak. You never know when you might want to draw out. It is also so dispiriting when you've just moved to an area or entered a new stage of life (parenting for instance) when people will only talk to those they already know, so maybe cut people some slack if you possibly can. Fair enough if you meet them more than once and find the 'nosey' questions continue!

cheval · 13/02/2018 21:54

That’s my Ex! All about him. His day, his business, problems, etc. Blah blah. Did wonder at the end if he had actually forgotten my name, as I was always addressed as darling, even in cards. Never wrote my actual name. Did become to feel like a non person. And I was the f-ing breadwinner in the house and the one looking after the children!! Rant over. Relax.

PurpleRobe · 13/02/2018 21:59

This is my life at work.

I make chit chat and take an interest in people... remember shit they tell me about themselves

But they never reciprocate.

It's fucking ignorant

Phineyj · 13/02/2018 22:07

That's something else I was thinking cheval - when people never ask you anything, don't use your name, don't respond to anything you say/ask/contribute, you begin to feel a bit like you don't exist. If it goes on for a long time or you get that response a lot it's a very strange feeling.

As PPs have pointed out it does sometimes seem to be down to the place or the other person rather than anything you're doing wrong - otherwise it would be the same everywhere and with everyone.

daffodildelight · 13/02/2018 22:24

I don't really like people questioning me so I guess I assume they don't like it either. I wouldn't really ask them questions.

Geordie1944 · 13/02/2018 22:31

The OP obviously doesn't have enough to do. What a dazzlingly silly thread.

frogclimber · 13/02/2018 22:49

To those who don't enjoy being asked questions and consequently don't ask many yourselves, how do you cope with a conversation that is stalling in a scenario in which conversation is expected (a social dinner for example? Maybe you're sitting beside friends of friends who you yourselves haven't chosen). Or maybe you would rather not answer this question which is completely fine in this instance!

UgandanKnuckles · 13/02/2018 23:09

If conversation stalls then it stalls. I'd rather sit in silence all night than force a conversation that neither party wants to be having.

squeekums · 13/02/2018 23:23

pringprim
I find its a lack of being interested in anyone but themselves. It's rude to behave like that, nervous or not. People need to be taught how to interact

Well i wonder if its your attitude of how people should act as to why you get one sided interactions......
Id say its rude not to respect peoples boundaries and think all should be taught to act as you see fit.

Im not a conversation starter or question asker. Im private and socially awkward. So i hate talking about me and i feel interrogated, i dont want others to feel that so stay quiet. I find silence less awkward than meaningless, forced chatter

frogclimber · 13/02/2018 23:31

There's no harm in not wanting to interact in a lot of situations squeekums but many of the situations we're discussing are social ones that have been chosen freely by both parties. I go to meetups fairly regularly for example, and everyone there has come to make connections, whether for personal or professional reasons. There are still loads of people who hog the conversation and show no interest in others and it's those people we're having a moan about for the most part.

SleepyOnTheSofa · 13/02/2018 23:37

This is my DM. She's late 70s and still cannot get past both her M and MIL - both poisonous and unpleasant women, GMs I wouldn't wish on anyone - insisting that anyone 'asking questions' was being rude and disrespectful. Despite mine and DB's reassurance that it isn't true she is terrified of offending people by asking anything. She is still convinced that it is seen as prying and being nosy.

She knows that some people might view it as being rude or ignorant but she just can't break out the social conditioning she was subject to for so many years of her life. Even if anyone asks about her or us she will only answer 'Fine, thank you.' Anything else would be showing off, which would be equally unpleasant.

I'm teaching her to swear. She's just about managed 'bollocks.' The F word might take a bit longer and more work...

frogclimber · 13/02/2018 23:44

Ugandanknuckles - would you be comfortable sitting in silence in a restaurant or pub? I'd far rather sit in silence than engage in conversation with a stranger on public transport but for me it's the other way round if the situation's a social one of my own choosing. It seems such a waste of bothering to go out.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 14/02/2018 00:18

but many of the situations we're discussing are social ones that have been chosen freely by both parties.

Why would a person who refuses to interact be at the sodding party in the first place?

would you be comfortable sitting in silence in a restaurant or pub?

Yes.

squeekums · 14/02/2018 00:20

frogclimber
There's no harm in not wanting to interact in a lot of situations squeekums but many of the situations we're discussing are social ones that have been chosen freely by both parties. I go to meetups fairly regularly for example, and everyone there has come to make connections, whether for personal or professional reasons. There are still loads of people who hog the conversation and show no interest in others and it's those people we're having a moan about for the most part.

I dunno if its a choice for most or social expectation. I mean if you decline say a work invite, you may lose promotions
If you decline a wedding invite, your evil, same for a funeral
Taking kids to the park isnt done so i can meet other people, its so my kid can play
Even partners going out to dinner may be doing so out of obligation, like say my dp had a best friend and he and his mrs came for dinner but i didnt like her. I cant really say no can i?
Im coming from the perspective of the person who dont ask questions cos im private and socially awkward
I dont deny there are rude conversation hogs, they would be annoying for those who wish to talk too

That said, the post i was responding to insinuated that those of us who dont ask are automatically rude, nervous or not and should be taught how to act

UgandanKnuckles · 14/02/2018 00:21

@frogclimber

Well if I'm at a pub or restaurant then chances are I'll be there with people I already know so won't have to worry about striking up awkward conversation with strangers?

angel3008 · 14/02/2018 00:44

I would think it depends on the type of response you get

  • if someone is not asking questions back and giving curt answers, then clearly they are not interested to talk for whatever reason.
  • if they are not asking back but giving nice and long answers, they are either very self-centred or just don’t really care about you as a friend and just humouring you by answering politely and again indicating no interest in further conversation.
frogclimber · 14/02/2018 00:53

I think we're mainly talking about conversations that aren't with total strangers though. I don't have much interest in conversation with strangers I'll never see again in situations like a swing park either but do expect people I'm in a social scenario with to make an effort.

I think you can say no in many situations like weddings etc. Or just go for a very brief time to put in an appearance and create an excuse and leave. But for the conversations you do end up having in these circumstances it is polite to show an interest in other people. You can always prepare a handful of questions and possible follow-ups before you go/practice with your partner/husband? If I really didn't like someone I wouldn't go to dinner with them. It's not the end of the world if one partner has to attend without the other.

snowdropsrout · 14/02/2018 01:01

I tend to see showing a level of polite interest in another person you have been thrown together with is polite. Showing zero interest in them (by asking them nothing about themselves) to me, always comes across as rude and superior or very self centred. Some of comments by posters above have confirmed that!

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 14/02/2018 01:03

but do expect people I'm in a social scenario with to make an effort.

Ok you mean like a mandatory attendence @ a company Xmas party.?

.

frogclimber · 14/02/2018 03:17

I can't see that a xmas party would ever be mandatory. I understand if you want to go for promotions it would be the done thing to go but nobody can force you! If you don't make the effort other people have to make twice the effort than they would otherwise have had to and they may not be delighted to be there either!

Mummadeeze · 14/02/2018 06:55

There are definitely two types of people here - ones who don't ask many or any questions but are still interested in what you have to say which implies they are shy or a bit socially awkward. And others who don't ask any questions but will talk about themselves for hours and just don't think about being interested in you. These people are ego centric and self centred. I am friends with both types - the second type I kind of tolerate and I just offer information about myself even though not asked for it to make the conversation more balanced. The first type, am happy to talk to more and to keep slowly trying to find out more about them which usually happens in time. The people I click most with obviously are with neither of these types where the questions flow back and forth. I am a very social person though and want to be friends with everyone so adapt my conversation style based on the person. The ones who only talk about themselves however are wearing and I do find it weird that they haven't at least trained themselves to ask some questions to be polite!