What would you do about this?

[whattodoaboutman]

I am posting this here for traffic. I don't know how to deal with this or if I am blowing it out of all proportion.

A local man is a frequent user of the local sports centre. Many people know him as he's there so often.

When there is a children's sports club on the pool is closed to the public but the sauna is still open. This man will use the sauna and then walk into the changing rooms and strip off when the room has about 20 children in there and then shower naked next to the boys in the shower which is also communal.

He then goes to change and stands next to the boys who are getting changed, the boys find this intimidating. There are no separate cubicles yet, though they will be provided soon according to the centre management.

I think this is inappropriate but when it has been mentioned to the club safeguarding person and centre management nothing has been done.

What should I do ?

Excluding family, we are usually talking other adults in a position of power (teachers, sports coaches, etc). Not a random man attacking a single boy who is showering with several others.

Again though, it's your career apparently. You probably know the likelihood of a boy being attacked in front of another 10-20 other boys in place he could be easy identified (due to signing in with a card).

Oh wonderlime you are a wally

Well it's your career... why don't you educate me on the likelihood of that happening?

It’s nothing to do with likelihood. Not sure why you think it does?

I think it should be down to the leisure centre to close the sauna during the children's club time

Or maybe the club should be pro-active and have a club official in the changing room?

Or a bit of both - the centre needs to insist that if the club want exclusive use they have to pay for the privilege. If the club don't want to/can't do this then they need to accept that other patrons will use the facilities and - as long as they don't break the rules of the leisure centre - then the club has no say in other patrons' actions and it is on them to deal with any issues arising from this by either having someone supervise or keep them out of the changing room until the other patron is at least partially dressed.

It has everything to do with likelihood. If it's something that's likely to happen, then of course the OP might have something to worry about. If it never to very, very rarely happens then there is no more reason to worry about a naked man showering in a changing room than there is about sending your child to school (as you would know, due to your 15 years working with sexual predators).

Presumably the leisure centre doesn't close down ALL the facilities because it's not cost effective.

The man's not doing anything against the centre's rules, and presumably the sauna and changing rooms stay open to keep the custom of those who would use it at this time.

I wonder if the centre has tried making soothing sounds at the club while allowing the man to carry on, given that they want his custom and he's not doing anything wrong.

I’m sorry I think you’re misunderstanding wonderlime

If I live with a father who sexually assaults children then the likelihood is he wants to sexually assault me.
If I am a child with no sexual assault in my family or my clubs and the same man turns up to stare at me in the shower week after week in a public place? Yep- likelihood is he’s a pervert. Good luck pretending otherwise

But he doesn't turn up to stare at the kids. He turns up to use the sauna. He apparently turns up quite frequently at other times too and has been for a long time.

Tbh, if I knew the sauna was likely to be emptier because the pool was closed, I might take advantage of that.

I have to say, that I find it strange that all 20 boys are feeling uncomfortable with this man. Most will have witnessed their Father's naked in the shower at some point. I am thinking that this man has a manner or leer about him that is making the children uncomfortable. Most boys would be too busy messing about and joking with each other to suddenly be uncomfortable with this man arriving in the shower. The fact that he then chooses to stand right next to one of the boys to change is waving all sorts of red flags for me.

Yes, it is natural to shower naked (although I was always taught that swimming pool showers were for rinsing the chlorine off yourself and your swimsuit and would always have another shower at home) yes it is natural to get changed in a changing room. However, as a woman, there have been several times when in a situation, I felt very uncomfortable and could feel eyes on me, leering. I have a fantastic husband, a fantastic little boy, two brothers and a Father and am very comfortable in male company. However, there are men who send a creep right down my spine! It can be their body language or the way they spend too long with their eyes lingering in my direction. My Mums bff was friends with this couple and they and their dc were frequently at the parties we were invited to. As a child and a woman this man made me feel uncomfortable, he didn't need to be naked/ talk to me/look at me for me to feel extremely uncomfortable in his presence. My Mum felt this too and wouldn't leave my side when in his company. It wasn't until I was an adult that Mum's bff's dd confided in her family that this man had been sexually abusing her throughout childhood, from the ages of 5-13.

I would ask all the boys to write down why they personally feel uncomfortable in this man's presence. It might be enlightening.

I hope that this is just a case of a strange presence outside of their group making them uncomfortable. However, I would not ignore the fact that twenty pre-teen/ teenage boys have been uncomfortable in a situation that is usually full of ribbing, teasing and laughter.

If all these teenage boys were using the leisure centre during their own free time they would be in the changing room with this man and take no notice.

@WaxOnFeckOff, I'm pretty sure the OP would have mentioned if the boys had reported back that the man was staring at them, trying to talk to them or physically approaching them. That would be very different. It just seems to be his nakedness that is the issue, or at least that's how it reads in the OP.

Jeez, regardless of the man's motivations, I'm sure he isn't going to sexually attack anyone in the view of 19 other kids.

I'm sure if we were talking about a grown man leering at girls we'd have a different reaction here. Not that there is any evidence of leering from what's been said, but equally we don't know that he isn't. And a PP is correct in that a crowd of teens/pre teens in this situation would normally find this sort of thing funny. Why don't they find it funny and instead feel intimidated?

Why does a grown man prefer to shower and change in with a large group of children rather than doing it before they get there?

I can't absolutely assure you that if 'leering' had taken place, the OP would have mentioned it to strengthen her argument.

Without the mention of 'leering' I think we can assume it has happened.

I'm pretty sure the OP would have mentioned if the boys had reported back that the man was staring at them, trying to talk to them or physically approaching them

He doesn't have to overtly be doing any of those things to be getting off on the fact that he is naked in front of them. maybe he gets off on being looked at and goes and has a wank in his car or house afterwards. That's no less of an exploitation imo.

On the other hand he could just be a thrawn git who wants to make other people uncomfortable just because he can, the type that would park right to the edge of a parking spot to deny someone else getting in the one next to it while technically not doing anything wrong.

Or neither of those things are true and he could be someone who takes a shower after using the sauna regardless of who else is showering at that time?

Not that there is any evidence of leering from what's been said, but equally we don't know that he isn't.

How would you feel if you just go to gym and sauna, shower and change - and the next thing you know you are being accused of leering and being inappropriate, being a pedophile and a pervert, because there were also some girls in the changing room? Because there's no evidence you're not..

And people wonder why men don’t want to be primary school teachers, nursery workers or volunteer to be scout leaders.......

Well if they insisted on doing those roles naked then I can see the point. A scout leader or teacher would never put themselves in that position and their regulations would also forbid it.

And Katherine I would never put myself in that position so no need to worry about it. Which is the point. This man continues to put himself at risk of accusations regardless of the truth.

wax

Don’t take up archery. You spectacularly miss the point.

I'm sure if we were talking about a grown man leering at girls we'd have a different reaction here.

Yes. If a grown man were leering (is this comparable to showering and changing now?) in a women's changing room, the responses would most definitely be different. Why is this a point?

I can't believe some of the ridiculous thought processes on this thread. I honestly don't understand how some of you manage to leave the house without exploding.

there is no 'position' the man is putting himself in. Op says he's a frequent user of facilities, so he just goes about his daily business. He is not only going there at the same time as the children.
As for not risking it - any time you're alone with a child can put you at risk of the same accusations.