What would you do about this?

[whattodoaboutman]

I am posting this here for traffic. I don't know how to deal with this or if I am blowing it out of all proportion.

A local man is a frequent user of the local sports centre. Many people know him as he's there so often.

When there is a children's sports club on the pool is closed to the public but the sauna is still open. This man will use the sauna and then walk into the changing rooms and strip off when the room has about 20 children in there and then shower naked next to the boys in the shower which is also communal.

He then goes to change and stands next to the boys who are getting changed, the boys find this intimidating. There are no separate cubicles yet, though they will be provided soon according to the centre management.

I think this is inappropriate but when it has been mentioned to the club safeguarding person and centre management nothing has been done.

What should I do ?

@WaxOnFeckOff

Sorry I must have missed the bit where he has been made aware of the issues surrounding the changing around the kids. I think that makes things quite different.

If I had been told such a thing I would be mortified that I had been regularly making a group of children feel uncomfortable and threatened and would immediately stop any behaviour that could be construed as such.

The fact this man continues irrespective of the concerns mentioned to him is a red flag for me.

I assume he was politely notified and asked if he could be more considerate of the children. It wouldn’t take much for him to move himself further away if not out of sight of the children. He could also change a little earlier or later. He could also possibly be very offended at having this issue brought to him and feel that he should not have to modify his behaviour to suit anyone.

Regardless it still says red flag to me.

The world has gone bonkers 🙉🙉🙉🙉
Of course we have to protect these little children
This man may be innocent!
Does seem a little strange tho, but..... this is just one of many reasons I would prefer my DH to avoid situations like this!

Do you mean “would I feel different based on a different set of circumstances applied to a different hypothetical person”?

Yes, but what’s your point? The situations described are not comparable.

OP is not absent, OP has been busy earning a living. I think I'll say nothing to the centre but will talk to the club.

This thread shows that there, absolutely, are unwritten rules.

No, it shows that there are bonkers, sex-obsessed people who are offended by others using a shower for its intended purpose, even apart from this particular instance of the OP. People who think my post-swim shower is an act of sexual exhibitionism.

I mean Christ, give me some credit. If I want to engage in exhibitionism I'll do it somewhere where I can get proper attention for it and calls for an encore.

If you chose to ignore them and you are choosing to, it might actually be to your own detriment.

Why? What are you loonies going to do next time I go to the pool and jump in the shower afterwards? Throw glitter over me?

I think I'll say nothing to the centre but will talk to the club.

I don't think the guy is doing anything wrong, but if you want to try to stop him, seems to me the only way will be to pay the centre enough for it to be worth their while to give the club exclusive access to ALL facilities during swim time. Be prepared for an increase in swim club fees.

What are you loonies going to do next time I go to the pool and jump in the shower afterwards? Throw glitter over me?

Personally, I'd do nothing. However, as this thread shows you'd be (needlessly) offending and worrying a significant proportion of people if you were to shower naked in a pool changing room where/when naked showering is not the norm. Myself, I just think it considerate to make efforts not to needlessly offend or worry people. I don't consider this approach 'looney'.

But why are you offended by someone showering? I am from a different culture but really, nakedness in single sex changing room is offensive?

I went to the pool today
I took off all my clothes in front of other people
I also showered naked in the communal shower
I even had a conversation in the shower with a complete stranger and shared my shampoo with her when she asked.
There may or may not have been children present, clothed or naked.
I was not interested in them.
I had a communal experience in a communal changing room
I refuse to feel ashamed or inhibited about my natural state.
Perhaps I am living in the past.

I have yet to see where it has been established that it is 'norm' to keep your body covered in a single sex communal changing area.

But why are you offended by someone showering?

I am not, particularly. I prefer changing rooms & pool showers where people make an effort to cover up though. Just how I am. I don't think showering in a costume in pool changing room showers is bad. I don't like communal changing rooms and prefer cubicles. When I discovered there was such a thing as pools with communal changing rooms (the one my parents took me to had cubicles) I was horrified as a child. I felt it was degrading to be offered no privacy. I don't strip off much. I've fair skin which burns easily so am used to covering up, even on beaches, as a necessity. There are lots of people who feel similar to myself.

Sex pest or not he shouldn't be doing this.
That's to me isn't the point it's just not acceptable to shower naked in front of boys.

Personally, I'd do nothing. However, as this thread shows you'd be (needlessly) offending and worrying a significant proportion of people if you were to shower naked in a pool changing room where/when naked showering is not the norm. Myself, I just think it considerate to make efforts not to needlessly offend or worry people.

But it is the norm. You've got issues around nudity that make it impossible for you not to sexualise it but that's not my problem. If you want, you can have awkward half washes and waste a load of time getting undressed, wet, dried and dressed twice because you're worried what others think, but I don't want to.

If someone is offended or worried because I'm using a changing room as it's intended, it's their responsibility to get over themselves or avoid the room. You're not morally superior just because you choose to follow a bunch of "rules" that you made up.

Really, given the current climate around child protection I think that a man getting naked in front of a load of other people's children is an odd choice to say the least. I was a volunteer at a large public event and we went through training to do it. Part of it was how to deal with a fully clothed lost child in a public space. We were told that the procedure was first to find another volunteer to be with us so that at no time were we alone with the hypothetical child, to protect us from any accusations of wrongdoing. Some people are just really bloody weird and get a kick out of strange things. This would definitely concern me. Has it been asked before if this group has a responsible adult supervising them?

Neither are you morally superior because you prefer to strip off to change and wash, Yorick. I don't have to get dressed twice either. I might equally consider you a hygiene freak if you feel that would be necessary just because you'd showered in a swimming costume.

These issues involve cultural norms. You are no more qualified than me to say what the cultural norm is in this country. All I can say is that I know plenty of people who feel the same as myself.

Neither are you morally superior because you prefer to strip off to change and wash, Yorick.

But I'm not claiming I am, with nonsense about 'not wanting to offend or upset people'. I'm not turning the act of showering into a sexual or moral act. You are.

Me, I just want to have a quick shower and go about my day without feeling dirty or wasting time doing the whole palaver twice.

These issues involve cultural norms. You are no more qualified than me to say what the cultural norm is in this country. All I can say is that I know plenty of people who feel the same as myself.

And they've all got your same issues, and they are all not my problem. It is absolutely a cultural norm to be naked while showering or changing in a designate shower/changing area. If you disagree, try telling your local leisure centre to stop people being naked in the communal shower/changing areas. If you're right with your 'unwritten rules' and 'cultural norms', they'll forbid it as soon as they know it's happening, right?

I am really, truly sorry that you had childhood experiences that make communal areas so unpleasant for you, but it really is not anyone else's problem. I'm triggered by something everyday and common (and not sexual), but that's my issue; I can't expect the world to change to accommodate it.

Being naked in a communal shower is normal - that's just a fact. If you can't handle it, avoid those areas. It's your responsibility, not mine.

yorick I've no issues. I can perfectly cope in communal changing rooms regarding nudity or covering up. And have done.

I am not inflexible, unlike you appear to be with your, "It's your responsibility, not mine." I just stated my preferences. Many, many people feel the same as myself. Tbh most places are moving away from single sex communal changing rooms towards more family friendly changing rooms with cubicles and showers where costumes are kept on. Communal changing rooms are rather old fashioned even now. This phenomenon is a result of people having a preference for privacy.

My point is that I think it is considerate to accommodate other people, especially minors, who are less likely to be comfortable with nudity. I am not inflexible and generally fit in whilst changing.

I just stated my preferences.

No you didn't. You said that people should cover up while showering, that it was an 'unwritten rule' and moralised and sexualised showering. You accused me of being 'inflexible' for showering naked.

And just now, you said:

My point is that I think it is considerate to accommodate other people, especially minors, who are less likely to be comfortable with nudity.

In other words, you think it is more moral - or 'considerate' - for me to follow your dictation. Even as you admit it's only your preference.

You're moralising and sexualising showering. I'm not. And I have not at any point tried to imply that you should shower naked if you don't want to.

So please don't try to twist this into my 'inflexibility'. It is nothing to do with that. It is you trying to impose your preferences, masked as 'consideration' and 'unwritten rules', onto me and others. We aren't doing the same to you, so kindly get over it.

As I said, if you think being naked in communal showers is not a cultural norm and is legitimately offensive, ask your leisure centre to put a stop to it. What do you think they'll say?

In many gyms, sports clubs etc people chose not to use a small cubicle but to get changed in the locker area, where there is more room.

Yep, this is me. The cubicles at my gym are tiny and dingy and annoyingly far away from the lockers. I prefer to use the communal areas. But I didn't want to make the heads of liltingleaf et al explode...

Francis, you cannot say that this is not a cultural norm. There may well be pockets of society where preferring privacy whilst changing is the cultural norm amongst those people.

But I didn't want to make the heads of liltingleaf et al explode..

I think you vastly overestimate the impact that your views have on me, Yorick....

Tellseveryonerealfacts - oh this made me laugh 😂