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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 13/02/2018 00:58

TheNoseyProject Can I have your BIL’s number..?Wink

salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 01:14

Oh my good grief! This may have won the tittle as the most blood pressure enduring thread on MN tonight!

What do you do OP? What are your hobbies? Do you volunteer anywhere? Get involved in a local group? choir? church? charity? What are your interests? What do you love?

All of those things define you 1000 times more than the number on a set of scales or BMI index - that is how people get together - am I living on another planet? (Of so I think I'll stay here!)

Hi there from a late 30 yo, community volunteer, web admin for 3 charities, love historical fiction, travel and Asian cookery, happily married (most of the time)... who also just happens to be a size 24/26

Sheesh!

HuskyMcClusky · 13/02/2018 01:37

There is a special someone for everyone so don't give up hope.

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?
guest477337 · 13/02/2018 02:07

I'm obese and need to loose a good 6 stone to be in BMI.

I met my partner while I was big and he is a healthy weight, he's amazing too.

I've always been overweight and never had an issue. I spent 6 months being a size 12 and found I had more success at a size 18-20! I know it's not healthy and I'd love nothing more to loose weight, need to get my but into gear.

But I do agree is massively to do with confidence!

Abbylee · 13/02/2018 02:12

When I was heavier, men were less interested. But! I still found a fellow here or there who smiled. I agree that many of us gain weight after childbirth and so what is seen is not as it started sometimes.

My son says that there seems to be a correlation btwn beauty and bitchy (My word, not his, bc he wouldn't describe anyone like that to me) so, i am not certain, but i think that a nice, heavy, interesting girl would have a chance with some one like him, bc he values kindness over skinnyness. However, he also values health, so as the others seem to be saying, be kinder to yourself. Find health and confidence and love will follow. Btw, he is a fit, handsome young man and is just as disheartened as you. It's not just size: finding love is difficult for all characteristics, i.e. game players, egotism, power players, lack of this too much of that.

Try to find a healthy way to ignore your parents but, speaking as a mother who regularly screws up with advice, they probably were worried and didn't know what to say to you. They were not being cruel, but didnt have the correct skills to parent better.

When I say things wrong to my children it is not bc I want to destroy their confidence but bc I recognize a behavior that I probably had that hurt me. I tell them to ignore me bc I love them and I think that they know the answer in their hearts. You probably do too. You just need us to tell you that you seem lovely. Learn to present yourself well and be interesting as well as interested in others and men will seek you out.

As far sex with heavy girls, etc. Be more respectful of yourself. Sex without love, to me, is not good, so sex like that would be soul destroying for a tenderhearted person...It is a choice, but not one that makes bluebirds sing with joy.

Ladyglittersparkles83 · 13/02/2018 02:23

Learn to love yourself! It's confidence that's attractive work on you, not all men go for slim a lot like something to hold a good man will see the beauty regardless of size, but you won't find him stuck at home get out there and enjoy x

salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 02:53

Well put @icelollycraving - that's what I was trying to say... you just said much nicer! Smile

silenthorror · 13/02/2018 07:25

Just find another non annoying thread then salka

I never understand people who do that. If it ‘annoys’ you, what do you think it does to me?

I was actually having some very black thoughts last night. I accept you couldn’t have known that,

OP posts:
salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 08:10

Oh @silenthorror I didn't mean it that way and I'm sorry how it has come across - it wasn't you or your question was frustrating - more that everything on the thread was on the physical rather than what more importantly creates bonds between people and makes us us.

I am really sorry you were having dark thoughts and hope you're feeling better.

Reading back, the post was harsher than intended (and typo filled!) so sorry for that.

TERFette · 13/02/2018 08:12

OP I am listening to you and you sound like me ten years ago. You don't have to live like this. I also hated fat clothes etc etc. One day i just grabbed at the tiniest thread of hope and started losing.

One thing that helped me was I treated myself to M&S ready meals every day for a month. This sorted out my portion control issues. After one month I was used to eating less. Then went onto low card. Come on OP, you can do this! There are plenty stories on here about people who have similarly turned their weight around and in doing so, their lives in general.

Dozer · 13/02/2018 08:15

Abbylee the idea that being slim/conventionally attractive means a women is more likely to be “bitchy” is prejudiced. Hope you set your son straight on that!

silenthorror · 13/02/2018 08:41

Thank you salak, that was a really lovely post. I’m a bit wary of pissing people off Grin but I’ll have a go at explaining what I mean.

When I was younger, being single really didn’t bother me one iota. Since at school or college I’d never had a boyfriend, it wasn’t something I missed. Looking back, I was really lonely even then. I spent a lot of time on my own, pretty much every waking hour I wasn’t at work. But I had two jobs. I worked during the week and then at weekends I worked in a home for adults with learning difficulties, so the times I was alone weren’t that much really. So I didn’t really notice it. And again looking back I am able to see my life was very far removed from most people’s. I can see this now but I couldn’t then. My friends were travelling, they were going out with other friends, they were exploring young adulthood, I was just working all the time. But because I was ‘busy’ it felt ok.

I did actually lose weight at that point, and gained it, and lost it and gained it and that was just a big cycle.

I’m going to explain this so badly. But then it slowly started to dawn on me a couple of years ago that marriage wasn’t just a thing you did to have children and a family. I actually started to realise some people loved their husbands and went home every day to someone they loved, they got to have sex, they got a built in companion for days out and holidays and even if they were just at home for an evening it was with the person they loved.

And I saw everything differently and I got a sense of what I’d missed.

And sometimes that does upset me.

OP posts:
jocarter67 · 13/02/2018 08:48

When I met my husband I was a size 28 and we were both 16. I honestly thought that when he asked me out he was doing it for a joke. I said no, but he was very persistent, I told him finally that I wasn’t going to Be the butt of all his jokes so F**ck off and grow up. He was genuinely shocked that I was feeling like that. Anyway we did date and to cut a long story short we are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary in September and still very much in love. Your parents sound like mine, like they are knocking all the confidence out of you, they really need to shut the hell up and support you not make you self conscious xx

Cab65 · 13/02/2018 09:02

I worked with an obese girl she was lovely inside and out, always laughing full of joy and men flocked round her, she had many boyfriends before she settled for one who was slim good looking and fun, I’m not sure that she was very aware that she was overweight she certainly didn’t seem to be bothered by it and earlier photos showed her much slimmer until her early twenties. So try really hard to believe that you are as beautiful as many and more beautiful than some and never look back.

6079SmithW · 13/02/2018 09:09

@silenthorror apologies I'm a little late to the party ..

Firstly I want to say that I am a very similar build to you. I have had lots of relationships so I don't think that your size/shape is necessarily an issue.

The truth is that of course dating, as much of life, is harder as a fat person. Everyone (including ourselves) make snap judgements about the people we see/meet every day. Many people see fat (and all the negative connotations of that) and nothing else. I don't mean to sound harsh saying this, but you did say that you wanted honesty.

You have been constantly told (and now believe) that you are unattractive. You need to try to remind yourself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It sounds trite but it is true! Probably the majority of single men will see your weight and dismiss you immediately. There will be others who don't have weight as part of their selection criteria.

There are some practical things (and I don't mean losing weight!) you can do to increase your chances of finding a relationship too. At the very least you need to review which sites you are on, your profile pictures, your written profile and how you are using the sites you are on.

Your op really struck me. I'd love the opportunity to chat with you properly. If you feel comfortable enough, please message me. Smith x

SallyLockhartsDog · 13/02/2018 10:58

Silent it is not too late to find a companion. Do you want that? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone to get it?

silenthorror · 13/02/2018 11:14

It is too late sally

It’s not about whether I can step out of my comfort zone or not. It’s about whether someone is suddenly going to love me after years of being ignored? No, they’re not.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/02/2018 11:43

Dating is a numbers game, even for women of normal weight. Do you get opportunities to meet (potentially single) men in real life?

RoseWhiteTips · 13/02/2018 11:47

And what about the health benefits of being a normal size? It seems to me some of you are trying too hard to convince yourselves you are fine as you are - and you might find the odd man who will find you acceptable.

Pensionista · 13/02/2018 11:59

Seems to me you have two problems....The first being....You are lonely....the second being....you are fat. You CAN do something about both. You sound a lovely person, but in your book that's not enough. So how about writing a different book for yourself. You are the writer, the producer, the star in your own film of life. If you say "you can" you CAN, If you say "you can't" you Can't. It's up to you. There are plenty of people on this thread, who are writing a different script to you, but have had at least one of your problems, ask your self why do you think that is. What are they doing that's different to you ? Some say they are fat, but have 'confidence' and some say they 'don't care' what others think, some of their partners 'love them anyway'. I have been fat and I have been slim, I know which I preferred. I am not happy if I am fat, it has nothing to do with how other's see me, it was all to do with me, and how I felt about me. The only person that can do anything about your situation is you. If I was you, I would start with setting myself some goals to achieve in small chunks, I would do this by writing them down. 1st goal, forget about 'getting a man at this stage. You cannot have a sucessful relationship with anyone, until you have a sucessful relationship with yourself. Put on hold until later.
2nd goal, for the next two weeks change your eating habits...cut down your portions, take a relaxing bath and pamper yourself and see your self in your minds eye being sucessful as you go through the two weeks. Use all your senses, ie feel what you feel see what you see, hear what you hear. See yourself achieving your goal. What the mind can concieve the mind can achieve, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You could lose 4lbs in two weeks if that's what you want.
3rd goal do the same the next two weeks as you did the first two weeks. Then really notice how you feel, do you want to continue feeling a sense of achievement ? Does it make you feel good about yourself.? If the answer is yes... continue in small steps and chunks.
4th goal....Write down what needs to happen for you to stop feeling lonely, what can you do that's realistic, that you could do, that you would like to do, to 'start' to change that situation, in 'small chunks again, slowly, bit by bit.
At the same time as doing the above, start a gratitude journal, and every day at the end of the day, write down three things you are grateful for, simple things, like, I smiled at someone today and they smiled back. I am so glad to be alive, I realized I am young and can do so much with my life.
At the end of the first month, congradulate yourself on how well you've done, and let go of any mistakes or negativity. Do something simple but nice for someone else.
You have now started to change things in a positive way for YOURSELF, no one else, but others will benefit from the new you in so many ways.
I just want to tell you I changed my life at the age of 38 years, I did it for me, I was also lonely like you and unhappy. You have all your life ahead of you, when you change the world changes, you can't change others ie men but you can change you, the rest will change automatically, you will be amazed and delighted. This is sent to you with love xx

salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 12:05

@RoseWhiteTips - I'm reasonably fit (walk 12k steps a day and run after two kids fit) I happen to be larger than a size 12.

I am beyond disgusted any man I'd want to spend my life with would find me just acceptable! If they can't find me loving, kind, intelligent and confidently sexy they can take a hike.

There are true benefits in being fit and healthy but none of them have anything to do with being acceptable to a man!

@silenthorror - you can't control if someone is going to love you, you can control what you do for you. I am hearing you feel like you've missed out and that is incredibly hard but what I'm hearing in your posts is also that you're kind hearted, focused, independent, hardworking, interest in music maybe but that you're currently having a really hard time seeing all that. Have a look around you at opportunities to get out of the house, to do things with other people... maybe a choir, or AmDram or a walking group or a book club. Something that will give you interaction with the big wide world outside work. If you meet someone great side bonus but you'll be doing it for you and you sound lovely Thanks

I honestly and truely don't think meeting a someone has a lot to do with weight/appearance or even confidence really - it's opportunity and giving yourself the opportunity - and it's never to late for that x

salakadolamoo · 13/02/2018 12:12

@Pensionista Smile Star^^ What she said.

Thanks

SallyLockhartsDog · 13/02/2018 12:30

Lots of posters have said it's not too late silent. Why are you different?

Please read pension post.

Thinking of you Flowers you do not have to be unhappy.

wepeyif · 13/02/2018 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

silenthorror · 13/02/2018 12:36

I don’t know why I’m different. That’s what I’m trying to work out myself.

OP posts:
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