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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can actually meet someone nice when obese?

437 replies

silenthorror · 11/02/2018 10:01

Before I get flamed to a crisp, I’m 100% talking about me!

I need to lose a good 5stone to be a healthy BMI, although generally speaking I can live with being a stone or so overweight. So 4stone at a minimum.

I’ve never had any interest from men really. And I can’t help but think it’s the fact I’m fat Sad My parents used to lecture me about it and say I was just too big and it would put most boys off.

I know people will say they are overweight with a lovely husband but were you that size when you met?

I would welcome honesty Smile

OP posts:
Teetotal2018 · 12/02/2018 19:37

NotSoSprightly I meant people who are underweight. It’s not healthy - the same as being overweight is not healthy. People who like underweight people or overweight people are fetishists.

TheCatsPaws · 12/02/2018 19:39

You don’t have to have a fetish to find certain body types attractive.

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2018 19:39

I have read all of your posts on this thread and one thing shines through: you are simply not happy in your own skin. That’s very different to confidence. If you don’t rate yourself as loveable then sadly probably others won’t either.

You wear plain clothes because there’s no reason to dress up...yes there is, wear nice clothes because they make you happy! I’m not talking anything crazy, just decent and stylish clothes.

You wear the bare minimum of makeup. Again, fine but when did you last consider having a change? Do you have a girlfriend who would go for a beauty counter makeup session with you? Or just wander in and ask someone sensible for advice.

You like your hair, hurrah! Work on finding other things that you like. Nice ears? Nails? Smile?

Talk to people and I mean men and women. Show an interest in them. Smile. And yes, to do that you have to leave the house and your comfort zone. What are you interested in? Walking, animals, conservation, there must be something.

And I agree you sound depressed. Have you considered therapy to combat your low self esteem? That’s more of a problem than weight.

Best wishes. 37 is young and way too young to give up on feeling happy.

Teetotal2018 · 12/02/2018 19:40

It is a fetish if it’s not normal

TheCatsPaws · 12/02/2018 19:41

No it isn’t. Finding something attractive that the majority don’t isn’t automatically a fetish. That’s a bit rude.

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 19:42

I honestly don’t suit makeup Matilda Smile it’s not me being difficult.

I know what you mean. But would any of you be happy in your own skin if no one had ever loved you? That’s where I’m at here.

OP posts:
Teetotal2018 · 12/02/2018 19:44

TheCatsPaws finding something attractive that is unhealthy is a fetish. I’ve been morbidly obese. I was not attractive!!!! The only people into me were fetishists. Weight loss doesn’t have to be hard. It wasn’t for me. I just stopped stuffing my face so much.

DiegoMadonna · 12/02/2018 19:45

Being attracted to someone who is overweight or underweight does not necessarily mean you are ONLY attracted to people who are overweight or underweight. So no, it's not necessarily a fetish.

I have been attracted to people of all weight ranges at one time or another. I have also met people of all weight ranges that I have not been attracted to.

SnorkFavour · 12/02/2018 19:48

Not even remotely offended
Honestly, I’d rather people behonest

Phew!

You sound lovely. If only you can find a way to believe that yourself, I'm sure you'd find it much easier. You just need confidence in yourself however you achieve it. Lots of people on here think you sound like a nice person, I hope that helps as a small start! :)

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 19:52

I do think I’m a nice person. I’ve always been described as lovely, bubbly, fun, kind. It’s just the 5stone excess weight Sad

OP posts:
NotSoSprightly · 12/02/2018 19:54

TeeTotal You didn't say healthy though you said attractive.

Too skinny OR too fat is not good.

Just because someone is attracted to either or it doesn't mean it's a fetish!

NotSoSprightly · 12/02/2018 19:54

Do you have male friends Silent?

Original poster
silenthorror · 12/02/2018 19:58

I don’t, NotSo, no

OP posts:
icedgem85 · 12/02/2018 20:06

Obesity generally turns people off as biologically we all seek a healthy mate to breed with and obesity is an obvious indicator of poor health. I'm currently obese (just over 12 stone) but was slimmer when I met my partner (pre-babies!) and I know he preferred me slimmer even though he wouldn't dare say it! Saying that I was even more obese in my early twenties (size 16) and because I was confident i had no problem meeting men but i do think you can cast the net a lot wider when you're a healthy weight xx

Badhairday1001 · 12/02/2018 20:14

Teetotal just because somebody finds people who are overweight or underweight attractive does not make it a fetish. I don't think that health has much to do with if something is a 'normal' attraction or not. Usually you just see something that is attractive in somebody and it grows from there. Is it also a fetish to fancy someone who smokes or doesn't eat their 5 a day? For most people weight is just a part of the whole package. I think it only becomes a fetish if it is the be all and end all of the attraction.

icelollycraving · 12/02/2018 20:27

Hi op. I am fat, I’m a size 22. At my smallest a 16-18,biggest a 24. I’ve had a lot of boyfriends in comparison to some.
I’ve had difficulty at times but not in honesty no real issues meeting men. I am married.
I was always v honest about my size. I never really got the point of lying like some people do online. They’d soon realise when I met them. I am quite flirty and pretty glam when I was single.
If you don’t mind honesty,the problem doesn’t sound like your weight. It may be your ingrained negativity. Do you have a passion? Doesn’t really matter if it’s wine, poetry or those medieval dress up things. A bit of a spark of someone’s interest adds a dimension to them that can bring them alive a bit.
So far, I hear you don’t like makeup or fashion particularly. You did mention singing, what about a choir?
I am a great believer there is a lid for every pot Smile

snowone · 12/02/2018 20:39

Every person has a different idea of what they would class as 'obese' or not. I've know my husband a very long time, we have been together about 6 years but I've known him for 16+ years. Throughout that time he has seen me at my smallest and at my largest. I have also seen him at his smallest and his largest. When you meet the right person it will all slot in to place.

Lizzie48 · 12/02/2018 20:51

I think for the moment you need to stop worrying about finding a man, @silenthorror it's just making you feel down on yourself and doubtless driving you to eating even more. Comfort eating is a trap I've fallen into in the past and it's a hard habit to break.

Maybe rather than focusing on losing weight, think instead about getting more active? Walking rather than driving if it's a short distance for example, or swimming? You need to set yourself achievable goals so that you don't become discouraged and think what's the point of trying?

ZBIsabella · 12/02/2018 21:30

"Every person has a different idea of what they would class as 'obese' or not"

Well the NHS has a measure you cannot easily fool - they go by waist measurement as well as BMI.
"For most adults, a BMI of:

18.5 to 24.9 means you're a healthy weight
25 to 29.9 means you're overweight
30 to 39.9 means you're obese
40 or above means you're severely obese

BMI isn't used definitively to diagnose obesity, because people who are very muscular sometimes have a high BMI without excess fat. But for most people, BMI is a useful indication of whether they're a healthy weight, overweight or obese.

A better measure of excess fat is waist circumference, which can be used as an additional measure in people who are overweight (with a BMI of 25 to 29.9) or moderately obese (with a BMI of 30 to 34.9).

Generally, men with a waist circumference of 94cm (37in) or more and women with a waist circumference of 80cm (about 31.5in) or more are more likely to develop obesity-related health problems."

And for diabetes they say
"According to a new report, men whose waist size is over 102cm (40.2 inches) are five times more likely to develop diabetes than those with a smaller waist size. Women with a waist over 88cm (34.7 inches) are three times more likely to develop the condition."

Corkscrewbetty · 12/02/2018 21:35

You are being a bit defeatist - yes! Either you want to sort out the problem or not. I'm a big fatty! A great big fatty. I just started Overeaters Anonymous in January (all online). It's working for me. 16 pounds down so far this year. I'm late thirties and the time is now. I'm carrying a good extra six stone in weight and if it doesn't come off, I'll die young. Man or no man. I was in a longterm relationship for 12 years and decided to go it alone because it had turned into a platonic relationshp more than anything else. I just wasn't happy. I did the whole online dating scene after he moved out and yes, it can be dreadful. I chatted with a couple of nutters. A couple of thickies. Some older, desperate types. Some shaggers. But some OK blokes too. And then a keeper (who I totally ruled out for being too short at first and then realised he was the only one I could actually talk to comfortably and who I didn't tire of chatting to). There are a lot of twats out there who are only interested in how you look. So, you wouldn't want to be with one of them even if you were a skinny minnie... because you probably just wouldn't get on with them. You seem bright. You want good company. You'll just have to say hello to people whose profiles you like. Men who've said a bit about themselves. Don't go on the BBW sites. Those men are the same as men who'll only go out with size 8 women or women with fake tits. It's all the same. It's all about sex. Just go on what men say on their profiles and say hello first. You need to be a bit more proactive. It comes down to compatibility. Couples work for different reasons. Some men want thin women who don't have opinions about much, some want thin women with brains and attitude, some want rich women with well connected fathers, some want women who can sit on them and squash them, some want Jesus freaks, some want a wife into windsurfing or marathon running, some want someone to watch boxsets with and cut their toenails for them, some want a good mother, some want a feminist lefty, some want twinset and pearls, some want someone to laugh at their jokes... and vice versa, some women want Matt Damon, some Big daddy, some a kind man, some one who looks like their uncle John, some a man with a massive dick, some a man with a Range Rover and enough money to take them to Barbados twice a year... Who knows what people want? Being fat rules some people out. Being boring rules others out. Being confident rules some out. Being a miserable piece rules some out. Being bubbly rules others out. Just keep working through them. Work on your profile. Get a friend to help you write it. Put at least five photos of yourself up. Smile, show your full body. Show your personality and tell people what's important to you and what you're looking for. Write out a complete profile. Say hello or "wink" or whatever at a hundred men and see what you get back. You might get nothing. So wink at a hundred more. You might get an old bean farmer with a micro-penis, so go back to winking at a few more (unless that does it for you).. And just keep at it. Meet up with one of them. It'll be terrifying because you're out of the game a bit, but you'll just have to do it. Put your big girl pants on. :-)

bencrone03 · 12/02/2018 21:51

I agree with people who say it's probably down to your lack of confidence, you obviously are not happy being overweight, however when I had my last baby I ate for England but hated the way I looked and never felt attractive , I lost 7 stone in 9 months going from a 20 to a size 8, what I'm trying to say is , change what you are unhappy about x

Sosog00d · 12/02/2018 22:01

Absolutely brilliant post corkscrewbetty !!
I'm inspired Smile

kateandme · 12/02/2018 22:38

you've got to start loving yourself.if someone make you feel bad about yourself and unlovable then that there badness.there horrid hearts not yours. to be unkind,to make others feel bad you have to have it in urself first.that owness is on them. no one has a right to do that to you.
I no lovely people thin,i no awful people thin.
I no the same larger.
but the difference is who they think they are and something just glows from within when you start to like who you are.it attracts friends and relationships.
don't focus on losing weight to be happy focus on finding joy to be happy.doing stuff you love.being who you want to be.job,hobbies.friends.being kind to yourself.your unique a one off no one else like u on this planet.that makes you stunning!
are you kind,compassionate.do you show empathy and help to others.do you smile at puppies :) if so you got it all going from you from the off...
now you gotta find peace with who you are.you weight Is the outer part of you and it will fall into place so to speak more when you can just like you.
being thin in shape wont change your personality. it wont make your flaws change or you attributes.they come from within.embrace them as best you can and then make yourself the best version of you.
you might then feel more powerful to lose weight,or less pressure so it happens easier.
relationships are hard.your not alone in finding them a mindfield at times.
but you can be loved.
why is thinner better.why is it more attractive. this has all come from us. yes there is health side of size but to be thin and model looking its all come from something we have built into society.
your you.go get her.do the things that make you feel good.
give it a go.youve listened to other cruelty for too long.

Dianag111 · 12/02/2018 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sourpatchkid · 12/02/2018 22:59

One of my closest friends is morbidly obese and has her pick of hot men who happen to like larger ladies.

The thing you need to decide is whether you are likely to end up being large in the end (I'm also obese but me and DH got fat together!)

People are attracted to different things, nice men like thin women, nice men like fat women - you just have to know who you are and believe in yourself