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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About parents' money

431 replies

junpinline · 10/02/2018 11:47

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

OP posts:
Geordie1944 · 12/02/2018 00:05

I've never been in the position of having more money than I needed, so I can only guess how I would feel in that position. But for you to expect your parents as a matter of course is unreasonable - in fact it is greedy and over-entitled. They have worked for their money, and enjoyed the luck to inherit more and they are under no sort of obligation to share it if they don't want to. A bit of them probably thinks that the thousands of pounds they spent on your upbringing entitles them to spend on themselves now.

In any case you will inherit from them eventually: provided that they haven't spent it all or leave it to a cats' home, I hope that they will have/will do, because you sound like the sort of person who needs a comprehensive putting-down.

gov · 12/02/2018 00:09

I think OP’s parents are being mean. We’re in their position, although our kids are a bit younger. Our kids will have to pay off huge student debt, & pay way over what we had to pay for homes. Our generation has been lucky, & wealthy, we will want to help our kids as much as possible. I can’t imagine why they can’t see this & don’t feel the need to pay on down the generation. Very selfish!

tumblrpigeon · 12/02/2018 00:18

Please, op, sit down formally with your parents and ask them to lend you the amount you need . Tell them when you will pay it back.

They do sound pretty tight fisted

youngerself · 12/02/2018 00:27

Depends on how old they are imo
I’m older and doing parts of relatively new house and I know it will be the last time I do my bathroom up, I know I will not need to buy another large sautee pan etc
If he’s still working they have a long retirement potentially depending on health etc
I’m planning on offloading money to DC when the time comes but I don’t know if I’ll need 24 hour care or die quickly and how much I’ll need for it so it’s difficult really
It’s just too vulgar boasting about how much spent on car etc imo
I’m on a fortunate position financially but I don’t buy brand new cars, I shop carefully and don’t waste money at all
Also depending on what DC are like wrt money, entitledness, work ethos, health etc, I will decide on my will
But yes - if you were my DC I would loan or give £1500

dustyparadeground · 12/02/2018 00:28

The root of all evil

Plumsofwrath · 12/02/2018 00:31

@NameWithChange

See, to me, if you feel able to say of your mother - not having raised children yourself, not knowing what it’s like to get to retirement never having held down a job yourself, not knowing what it’s like to be married to a man who is a sole earner etc - that she’s never worked a day in her life and has lived off your dad’s money, then you’re clearly big enough and bad enough and hard enough to not be let off the hook for not reading your title deeds/what your solicitor told you. Want to behave like an adult? Sure, excellent. But you don’t get to cherry pick when you get to be an adult and when you get to be let off the hook. Hasn’t escaped this poster’s notice that OP holds down a job of her own, btw. Lovely, empathic, understanding, not-at-all-superior view she has of SAHMs.

If you’ve bought something with your own hard earned cash, you should know how it works. We all do......except we don’t, of course. When our laptops break, or the washing machine breaks, we throw our hands up and confess we don’t know what to do, but find someone who can and get ourselves sorted out. We don’t go around resenting our parents for not fixing it for us, or paying to have it fixed for us, citing random 3rd parties’ inconveniences as a reason why they should fork out. Does she think such guilt-tripping is either meaningful or effective?

This whole idea of resenting your parents, the very people who have got you to a position where you can buy a house in the UK off your own earnings before you hit 30, is just wrong. Where do people get off on this?! You can resent your parents for bringing you up in a life of crime, for never showing you love, for not teaching you right from wrong, for not equipping you with the basic skills required to survive as an adult. But to resent them for not bailing you out of your own adult financial mistakes when they can...nah.

In the OP’s shoes, I would be asking if I could borrow the money please until such and such date. If refused, so be it. I would then ask for advice - genuinely, not sarcastically - on how they would deal with this situation. If forthcoming, great. If not, I’d look elsewhere. That’s the end of it. I have no right as a grown ass woman, to resent my parents for such a thing. It’s be easy, but it’d be wrong.

In her parents’ shoes, I would get to the bottom of how this situation arose. Maybe she had the wool pulled over her eyes by her solicitor in purchase and is genuinely ignorant - but then I’d want to know how, in the circumstances, she couldn’t find £1,500. It just doesn’t make sense. For all we know, she’s blown it all in an ill-timed luxury holiday of her own, in which case she should reap what she sows.

This isn’t a life or death situation. It’s poor planning, poor financial management, expecting a bailout and behaving rudely when it’s not forthcoming.

NameWithChange · 12/02/2018 00:39

Glad you're not my mum @Plumsofwrath

Plumsofwrath · 12/02/2018 00:44

Of all the nasty comments to make, that’s possibly the nastiest. Perhaps it’s a good thing we see this situation so differently.

Abbylee · 12/02/2018 02:57

Do not buy them expensive gifts; buy them equivalent to their gifts to you.

Peanutbuttercheese · 12/02/2018 03:16

This is why it's best to never ever discuss your financial affairs with anyone and that includes family.

DH and I paid our mortgage off after having it for only seven years, We have never told anyone on either side of the family.

I have assisted my sisters but I just don't discuss any of my financial affairs with anyone.

SherbrookeFosterer · 12/02/2018 04:41

I always think of other people's money as dirty knickers.

Never want it, never hanker for it.

If you want money, just get out there, work and you will earn it.

Clean knickers, clean money. That's what I say!

Purplealienpuke · 12/02/2018 07:37

Arrggghhh I hate money AIBU where parents are concerned. Personally even though I don't have a pot to piss in I'd go hungry to make sure my family had what they needed!
But every family is different. If you can show them you don't have savings and how you'd afford to repay a loan would they be more inclined??
If not then lower your expectations and live within your means.....

MamaBearCleary · 12/02/2018 07:52

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I’m always confused by parents who can help their children but choose not to. I’d hate to see my children struggling and would always offer to help where I could, especially with money, it’s just money. What’s another holiday compared to seeing your child happy?!

malificent7 · 12/02/2018 08:13

I enjoy warching my dad have a good time on the money he has earned.

It is the fact that rich parents may still have loads of money left in the bank gathering interest whilst adult children struggle that is harsh.

I once got a massive lecture about.budgeting once i asked dad for a tenner for fuel after Christmas once.

I could have gandled thus gad ge not ingerited a large fortune off his mum. Tightness IS unattractive.

malificent7 · 12/02/2018 08:16

Typos...agrrr. bad spelling is unattractive too!

KensalMama · 12/02/2018 08:17

YANBU. It seems astonishing to me that they haven't offered to help & in general are so tight. If you were always going to them cap in hand, that would have been different, but you seem a decent, hard-working person. They sound very self-absorbed to me. If indeed they have no idea of your hardship, isn't it bizarre that they have not had a conversation with you about buying a house?

Flomy · 12/02/2018 08:27

A child is for life, not just for 18 years Christmas Gin

ScattyCharly · 12/02/2018 08:30

I think your parents have a very strange attitude.

Your parents are very substantially better off than my parents and my in laws. But both my mum and mil spent a great deal of time worrying about me, h and all their other children getting on the property ladder. Mil once inherited £1000. She gave it straight to me and dh and told us to save it so we could get a house in future. So we did. Point is, her main priority in life was to make sure all her kids were ok. She has no desire to treat herself to anything. Her happiness comes from knowing she’s looked after her kids. Exactlynsame fornmy mum.

I cannot imagine buying loads of frivolous shite when i could give my children help. Your parents do more than enjoy the fruits of their hard work - they waste loads of money and rub it in your face.

You need to cut our Christmas and birthday presents. It’s disgusting to give people who are so loaded yet more useless stuff they don’t need to add to their pile. It’s disgusting for them to want this as well. If you must give them a gift, you could do oxfam unwrapped or similar. They actually sound like horrible people.

jellycat1 · 12/02/2018 08:43

Yanbu. It's incomprehensible to me why they wouldn't help you (to a much greater degree than 1500 let alone that amount) particularly when you've proved you're responsible by doing everything else yourself. What the point of wealth accumulation of not to bring happiness to your own family first and foremost.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/02/2018 09:05

Of all the nasty comments to make, that’s possibly the nastiest

Honestly how so?

You label an entire generation as entitled because the OP apparently should have known this charge would be on a lease (because our generation were never caught out in conveyancing complexities were they or have we forgotten roll up mortgages or endowment scandals?)

Of course when we were buying you could also buy property in London on a public sector starting salary and rents were much more secure than now.

Watching your children struggle for sums which are modest to you, for a critical item like housing/work access and then expecting expensive gifts is a family dynamic that is very strange to me.

QuiteLikely5 · 12/02/2018 09:19

Shocking. I know poor parents who would give their last to help their adult kids.

I would ask them again!

Calm33 · 12/02/2018 09:22

I think stop moaning and go and ask with a plan - all laid out how much you Need and when and how to pay it back. Cut the expensive presents out you cannot afford them! Be honest about your finances to yourself and everyone but now in a loud 'poor me' way.
I have found over the years with friends, even close members of the family that those that do it on their own are more confident, self assured adults whereas those that have always been able to get handouts never really stand on their own two feet, they seem to just turn their head and expect help but never really acknowledge/tally up the whole of the 'help' they get. Some even expect it as a right. I do think personally I would help with, a deposit for a house, car loan etc but not the continuous smaller items.
You can tell the adults that have done it all on their own.

Goldilocks3Bears · 12/02/2018 09:24

OP - you are being unreasonable to 'resent' them for this. They owe you nothing and can do with their money as they please.

That is however a technical analysis of your entitlement vs their 'role' and considering that you are out here adulting on your own now.

From a family perspective though.... what's the deal?! My parents went bust just as I entered uni and couldnt help and didnt have money for helping when I got married and bought a house either but my dad kept some mental note (he knew exactly what my older sibling had and what I had) and later on down the line, we were both gifted the same stuff.

I also know that if I had asked and explained the situation, they would have helped but we are a tight knit family and we look after eachother.

On your money problem - if this is all housing related and you don't have 1500 in your savings, then you are living beyond your means. You say you are good at saving - where? You should have at least 6 months savings to support your mortgage imho and cash to deal with emergencies. Sorry if that sounds harsh but this is not a large amount for a home owner and you should be able to find that...

Good luck and please update on how the conversation with your parents go?

PieAndPumpkins · 12/02/2018 09:25

I wish people would RTFT and shut their pie holes with the self righteous bullshit.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset. My DH parents are somewhat like this, with the addition of being unreasonably judgmental and opinionated about how we live and spend money whilst saving for a deposit.
I think it's terribly mean hearted of your parents, and it's not an attitude I can understand or respect. A massive part of us investing in buying a house is to enable us to help our children later in life, so that they don't have to struggle the way we have. Yes I would like to see them responsible and hard working first, but there's no way I would ever favour a new car for example, over seeing them struggle. Very, very selfish IMO.

LakieLady · 12/02/2018 09:29

Spare a thought for DP. His ex is loaded and is always "lending" their son money for things (the latest is £50k for a loft conversion and before that it was £10k to buy a pick up for his business) and never expects it back.

We are not loaded (we're actually quite poor) and can't afford to do likewise. We can't afford to take them (DSS, his DP and DGD) on an expensive holiday every year, take them out for slap-up meals at least monthly, and buy them tickets for festivals. DSS has grown up with no real sense of the value of money, because he gets bailed out by his mother on a regular basis.

DP feels awful that he/we can't afford to help them anywhere near as much as she does, and feels that DSS thinks we're tight, when really we're only just about managing. It makes him very down he feels he's not doing his bit.

We'd love to be in a position to do more for them financially, but just don't have the means.