About parents' money

[junpinline]

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

YANBU - I can’t fathom your parents’ mindset. My parents are extremely generous with me and always have been - I will be the same with my children if I can. My grandmother was a single mother and scraped by but she gave my mum and aunts help whenever she could. Posters saying that your parents aren’t obliged to help - true, but why on earth wouldn’t they?!

Just to add that my DM was very generous with her time and love. She made curtains for my house, helped mw with my babies, babysat etc and I will never forget that. She didn't have money but had time and that's more important to me.

I am on Mumsnet sometimes.
Gobsmacked !
Why would a Mum and Dad not help their beloved children out if they can ?
I was raised in a very generous home and my in laws too have been very generous.
I would hope to be equally generous to my children.
Your parents sound horrible - boasting about what they have bought!!!!
YADNBU OP

Completely agree with Lovethebubbles I would want to help if I could. We still help our DS26, just recently he was unemployed for 3 months and we helped a bit so his rent was covered. He was looking really hard for a job and didn't need that extra worry.

I would much rather my mums love than money. But as with her money she doesn’t give love either. The type of woman who should never have had children really. Hey ho

OP why don't you ask your parents for a loan?
DS2 has had some really bad luck involved with his current flat purchase, and has unintentionally left himself "short", he has asked me and DH if he could borrow some money, which we will lend him, but we wouldn't have offered (he could be offended that we thought he couldn't manage).
Op they can only say no!

They probably think you are doing ok. You are about to buy your second house and you aren't out of your twenties yet.
Do you think they would help you out if you needed it rather than just wanted it?

Maybe they just want their DC to make their own way in life. Did they get help from their parents? Lot of millionaires do the same thing. If people have stuff handed to them on a plate, will they ever strive?

I think children should be treated equally. Parents are at liberty to think differently but in my experience it is usually the daughters who take on the care needed in old age.
You could get all the girls to withdraw contact for a year or two to drum home the importance of treating children equally regardless of sex/ gender.

This is not fair I would never see my children struggle, even though I'm not well off I would still help. They should help you out op.

Newsflash - different people are different. Parents don't come off a conveyor belt. Your friends' parents wanted to help their kids financially, great. Yours don't - their choice. I bet my parents' were much shittier than yours, if that makes you feel any better?

Honestly, just get past it. Your parents raised you. They don't owe you anything else.

I can't begin to imagine how hurtful it feels knowing your parents are able to help but for whatever reason chose not to. Try not to let it build
resentment between you & ask for help again. I would always help my dc if i was able to & my parents have helped us too. Isn't that what family is for?

I suspect it's no where near as simple as the op makes out

I'd happily help my DC . I have adult children and I try very hard to balance their sense of self respect and their desire to be independent with my desire to make the hard graft of getting on the property ladder or working your way through uni a bit easier
But I'm very lucky in that my children understand that I want to help them and share with them but that the risk of wiping out drive and ambition by spoonfeeding children is real. No one like spoilt entitled kids but if you have spare income how do you avoid that pitfall and help your children become productive adult?

All of this has been managed by open conversations. My children can come to us anytime and we support them as best we can. They appreciate the support but it's based on a strong desire to be independent.
If our conversations involved hints and resentments about things I had bought after a lifetime of not having much, if I thought my child dismissed everything I had contributed as my 'spending dad's money' then I think that would give me pause. I might be minded to let them manage without me - if they had so little respect or love for me

Honestly, I don’t think you’d should expect a penny from your parents, but it sounds as tho there’s a lot of resentment here And I think there must be more to this than money. I assume your relationship with your parents (especially mother) isn’t that great. They sound rather obnoxious

@junpinline - first of all you said that they won't give you the money because they think you're a good saver and that you have money squirrelled away.

Then you said they're not interested in giving you the money.

If the former that's easy fixed

If the latter you're screwed

I think parents should help their kids if they can. I would.

But it's their money. Nothing you can do

My mum and her husband are hugely wealthy, mortgage-free on two properties, one of which they rent out, and go on holiday pretty much every month. We are having a tough time just now as DP was made redundant, and it really grates when my mum is constantly “oh, we’re off to X place next week for a fortnight”. But, it’s not my business, so I smile and nod, and look at the holiday photos and say, how lovely.

They sound very selfish to me.
My parents struggled when they were young and definitely taught me how to save and get by financially but were also generous when I needed help. My dad would always come to the petrol station with me when I visited and pay for a fill up when I was quite grown up!
I definitely haven't spoiled my own children but I try to follow the lead that my parents gave me and would never put my luxuries before their needs. I even saved the child allowance for them to be able to put towards a house deposit one day.

TheFirstMrsDV
Op is selling her house out of necessity because she has moved areas. Her mortgage company is no longer allowing her to rent. She would therefore now need a btl mortgage. Whether or not op can get a btl mortgage would depend upon the loan to value and odds as op hasn’t had the place long, it is extremely unlikely she has enough equity in the property and therefore the sale is being forced. Even if she could get a btl mortgage, the tax relief on interest is being phased out and not only would she be taxed on any income from the let but on the part of the rental payment, which in reality she wouldn’t see as it’s a mortgage interest payment.

Perhaps op is buying her second property, but she’s not buying it to take a step up the ladder.

I don't understand how any parents could sit back and watch their children struggle for money while going on fancy holidays and buying luxuries. Yanbu.

I don't think you are being U at all.

It seems as though (from what you are saying) your Mother has been provided for her entire life and it is very mean spirited of her not to give you some comfort/ease/financial security when you have managed so well on your own.

In order to not let this resentment build I think you need to have an extremely straight conversation, explaining exactly what a predicament you are in and that you have no option but to ask for help. If she/they refuse on that basis I'm afraid you know exactly where you stand and have to find a way to accept that.

Feel for you Op

It is interesting we are so divided on this. I think helping with a first property is enough. After that people should earn their own money. I don't think I am mean to have that view. However quite a lot of people disagree with me.

The bottom line is that under the law there is no obligaton to help children financially with first, second or any other properties and if you help them too much you do damage them and stop them working fll time and maximising their career progression.

Are you parents self made or something? This kind of behaviour is very odd amongst wealthy people. Most people I know, who can afford it, give their children money for a deposit/furniture/a whole house without prompting. My own father gave me money for a house deposit and he isn't rich by any stretch of the imagination. To not do that kind of thing is strange but if they were used to being frugal when they were younger and worked very hard for their money etctgat may explain why they feel like they don't have to share it with you. Maybe explain to them how lucky they were in that it was much easier for their generation?

While in principle i agree with what many of the posters say, ie that it’s their money and they can spend it as they wish, i find your parent‘s attitude difficult to understand.

Mummy she has still done well to buy a house so young hasn't she?
I was being genuine.
I realise I am not from the traditional MN demographic.
Its not usual to buy a house in your twenties or get large amounts of money off your parents to me.
Thats why I posted what I did. This is not within my experience.

I lost my mum to vascular dementia last year and my dad had a severe stroke in 2015 leaving him disabled. My parents have been robbed of a happy retirement together and my dad is bed bound with dysphasia at only 69. He has inheritance from his mum and auntie and I never got a penny nor did I expect to. I'm penniless. I don't expect anything from my dad. His savings and house eventually go to his care. If I could make one wish it would be to see my parents alive, well and spending every darn penny on themselves because they bloody deserve it, all I'd want from my parents right now? A hug, a laugh and a true conversation. Because one day, they'll be gone and I miss my mum every single day.