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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About parents' money

431 replies

junpinline · 10/02/2018 11:47

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 10/02/2018 12:07

Well if they said no, what can you do? Nowt. Odd behaviour I think but many people on here seem to advocate it. Just resolve to parent differently. Perhaps they feel if you're in the midst of a second move, you're sorted. Having said that, not to consider a loan is tight imo. However self sufficiency from about 16 seems to be the mantra on here so again, perhaps I'm indulgent. Happy to be though. My mum has always been as generous as she could be with me in fairly straightened circumstances.

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 12:09

They are not helping you because they want to be responsible for the choices you are making in life. You've decided to go for a house you don't have the funds to afford, which is very different to you falling on unexpected hard time. If they start to help you with this, what's next?

My parents are well off too and enjoy the same life your parents do. I'm delighted for them because they deserve it. They worked hard, made some sacrifices to invest and now they are enjoy the fruits of their efforts.

Wishing they'd help is fair enough, but pushing this to resentment is self-absorbed.

HiggedyPiggedy · 10/02/2018 12:10

I’ve never understood parents who don’t want to help their (adult) children out if they can afford to do so.

bakingaddict · 10/02/2018 12:11

I think it's awful that parents don't help for big ticket items like house deposits. Fair enough if you ask for money to go to Las Vegas or somewhere and they refuse but for parents not to acknowledge that their kids may need a bit of a helping hand to get onto the property ladder in today's market just smacks of 'i'm alright jack attitude'. You can't always extrapolate what was achievable 20-30 years ago and I'm fully prepared to help my kids when they get to that stage

italiancortado · 10/02/2018 12:12

Yes YABU. As per your own thread title, it is your 'parents money'

They presumably worked hard to earn the money, pay their bills and raise a family.

Now they get to damn well enjoy it.

Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 12:12

I'm short because of the deposit because of an unexpected cost to selling my house (management exit fee around £1500).

I'm not 'going for a house I can't afford' Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
junpinline · 10/02/2018 12:13

My mother has never worked a day in her life but she adores spending my dads money. It's all about 'I've got this, guess how much it cost' when I see them.

OP posts:
PlanNumber · 10/02/2018 12:16

My parents are in a position to help a lot financially. They are very supportive with practical help and will pay for dinner if we're all out together etc (although they do that less for my sister who they think expects it. I always go ready to pay and sometimes they let me).

However, they have never given cash help and I'd be mortified to ask for it. IMO they did their bit when they brought me up capable of earning my own living.

I'm glad they have money to enjoy and I hope they get to spend it all having fun with nothing left for me.

DriggleDraggle · 10/02/2018 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchesHatRim · 10/02/2018 12:17

My mother has never worked a day in her life

She may not have done paid work, but I'm assuming you and your DSis didn't bring yourselves up? Cook your own meals? Clean the house? Get you to activities?

Winteriscoming18 · 10/02/2018 12:18

Your attitude about your parent money is appalling! My in laws are selling their house as they are downsizing we would never expect any money. I have loaned money for a washing machine off my parents but I paid it back I certainly expect it for nothing.

italiancortado · 10/02/2018 12:19

My mother has never worked a day in her life but she adores spending my dads money.

You sound truly bitter.

Tiredmum100 · 10/02/2018 12:21

People will say you have no right to the money and not to be so entitled etc. However if I had the money I can't imagine not giving it to my dc. My parents have always helped me out, 5k for house deposit, 4k towards wedding, another 2k for my dress and bridesmaids dresses, 1 k when my dad got a lump sum, another 1 k recently to buy a car as we were short. They've done the same for my sister, paid for a new boiler for her, new windows, deposit for the flat. Don't get me wrong we've never asked, they've always offered and we are extremely thank full for their help. I know I am very very lucky. I will (hopefully) do the same for my dc in their future.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 12:22

Have you laid out to them exactly what your financial position is, and asked specifically for a loan fir a defined amount, with a repayment plan thought through?

And they’ve said no?

If all you’ve had are woolly conversations about “struggling to save” etc and “you were always so good at squirrelling money away” then you can’t really moan because you’ve not been explicit.

My DOs are retired, have a large mortgage-free house, have inherited from their parents, have a new car on 3-year plans, go on holidays and decorate their house/replace sofas/update kitchen fittings.

But they’re not “rolling in it” that they’d have cash to give away in the multiple thousands to their 3 DC - if they gave me a £3K gift they’d have to do the same for each of my siblings and that’s suddenly a serious lump.

And they had second-hand cars throughout my childhood, we went camping in France and if they dint spend their cash in decorating and maintaining their house, it will be run-down and worthless once they’re older and become a problem.

If they don’t go on holiday now, my mum might die before they get to go again (cancer). Her pension will cease when she’s gone, and my dad won’t have as much cash.

Things are not always as they seem on the surface.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 10/02/2018 12:22

It’s their money and while it would be nice if they helped you they don’t have to.

However no one has the right to expect expensive presents. I’m always a bit Hmm at adults who request stuff they know is expensive. I’m also Hmm at those who can’t afford the expensive present but buy it anyway.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/02/2018 12:23

It's always best to pay your own way in life

PlanNumber · 10/02/2018 12:23

In a weird kind of way I don't think it's particularity helpful for people to get a lot of help from parents. It might seem it on the face of it, when they have a nice house/car they didn't have to save for but there's a lot of self esteem to be had from knowing that what you have you earned.

I know a lot of unhappy people who have "everything" without working for it.

jaseyraex · 10/02/2018 12:27

Of course it would be lovely and generous if they would help you out but they simply don't have to and that's that. Resent them all you want, it won't get you the money. My parents don't give us handouts and aren't leaving us anything in their will. Would it be nice to have some money from them? Sure, but shit happens. I'm an adult, I make my own money.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 12:28

Have you asked them to lend you £1,500 and you’ll pay it back?

senua · 10/02/2018 12:28

No more expensive gifts, you can't afford it and it gives the wrong impression.

This. Although you should have started this before the new house as it's going to look mean after (we can stretch for ourselves but not for you, dear parents).

MeganBacon · 10/02/2018 12:30

I too think it's astonishing and sad that parents don't help their children as much as they can, but there's just no point feeling sorry for yourself if that's the way they think. You could ask them, just to hear how they justify it to themselves as much as anything else, and to have the conversation? But try to turn it into being proud of yourself for what you have achieved without them. My parents also were very against helping us and we are the three most independent people I know as a result, but all do everything we possibly can to help our kids.

suzy2b · 10/02/2018 12:30

I always help my children . i had money when my mother died not a lot left now but recently my son needed money I gave him 1000 and i'm not working at the moment so money has to last me, also gave my daughter deposit for a car

Lanaorana2 · 10/02/2018 12:30

Loads of MN types will tell you you're BU. You aren't. Families stay functioning because members help each other. Your parents are silly - but hey, they set the agenda that Family Won't Help, so bear that in mind. next time the phone rings.

Winebottle · 10/02/2018 12:32

Not unreasonable to resent.

My parents have always taken the you're on your own attitude and I resent it. It is not really about the money because I know they are not rich. It reminds me of them not being there for me as a child. Even just a token effort to show they are on my side would mean a lot.

Anyway, they will be getting fuck all off me if they need it, I wouldn't lend them money if they needed it and would take pleasure in them struggling while being well off. And I won't be visiting them when they are old.

Don't ask unless you are desperate and you are not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 12:33

Do you really have to sell?

Would they lend you the money?

Yes imo it’s shit not to want to help your adult children. Do try not to get bitter. Nothing good comes of it.

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