About parents' money

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My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

I understand OPs annoyance, as a lot of parents would help out with a loan or gift of that amount if it was needed.

However OP is not covering herself in glory with comments like "mum never worked a day in her life" and "I even had to buy my own cars". Your mum doubtless worked every day (bringing up you), and most people buy their own cars. It makes me wonder if the parents pick up on this and don't want to give to someone so ungrateful. I know I wouldn't.

I also feel we aren't getting the full story as buying a house is so expensive it is impossible to have the exact amount needed and no more, as there are always more expenses. If OP has all the money she needs except this fee, she must have money for moving expenses, set up fees on utilities, solicitors fees, etc. If yes, take the money from there and save it up again before those bills come in. If she doesn't then she needs a lot more than £1500.

Other options include a loan, credit card, asking to push back the settlement by a few weeks to save up more, taking it from your deposit and adding that amount to the mortgage or a combination of these options.

OP doesn't seem to have considered these options, which is unreasonable.

I speak as someone that had help with uni and wedding but nothing since then. And my parents are loaded too! But I think they assume we don’t mind having a six figure mortgage It would be lovely to have some help in paying it off, but I don’t expect it. I would ask for help though, if I were in your position.

My DPs and PILs didn’t help with help with a deposit for my property either, though we did ask my DM for a short term loan for some legal fees which she was happy to help with and we paid it back within a couple of months. Maybe this would be a possibility?

Yanbu. My parents recently inherited 120k. They are keeping most of it, and have bought a new car. They have also given me and my brothers 10k each.

To be honest, we’ve no idea what options the OP has considered for getting the £1500 they need, as they haven’t even confirmed whether they’ve officially asked their parents for a loan and been refused.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. To be honest in my family this is just the sort of thing that happens.

I'm much wealthier than my parents. That's largely because they have given me the tools to get there. It's a mindset thing. My husbands parents are very different. They have a different mindset. They have got better over the years though but never give money, always a loan.

You say that they have recently come into money. I suspect that was an inheritance from op's grandparent. That makes a reluctance to give (or loan) £1.5k even worse.

Op I don't think you are buying beyond your means. My mum gave me
£10k without hesitation because I asked her 2 days before exchange on our current house. I was buying beyond my means! But it has all worked out now and my mum is very proud of what I have achieved.

You need to speak frankly to them. It may be that they just think you don't really need it. Otherwise see if you can put your solicitors fees on a credit card - it shouldn't show up until after the mortgage goes through and it sounds like you would be able to pay it off in a few months anyhow.

Also speak to the management company direct they may well agree for a staggered payment from you. It's a contract so it doesn't matter if the house is sold.

I feel for you OP.

It sounds like you're really responsible and have worked really damn hard to get a deposit and fees together to buy on own- which is incredibly hard in this day in age.

It really isn't unreasonable to feel some hurt and resentment that your DP are wealthy yet choose not to share it with yourself and your siblings.

Many many parents help their DC with weddings and housing costs initially and for some unknown reason your parents haven't. Yes it's their money but I don't know many parents that would choose not to do that.

Please stop buying them expensive parents. A box of chocolates is a thoughtful gesture. And if you were to be met with a comment then just let them know you are watching every penny in order to afford your living costs and saving for the fees you are short.

They often say don't they that it's those with nothing who are most generous. I don't have much but over the years have given money to my grown up kids, whereas two of my kids have wealthy in laws who give absolutely nothing. It seems to be a case of the more you have the tighter you are. Not a nice trait imo.

In functioning families there is give and take. Early on the younger generation needs help from the older generation but then once the parents get to a point where they need help the younger generation gives it.

Looks like the OP's parents don't realise that if they don't want to help now then they may not get the answer they want when they need help themselves.

Good point Gnome

When I left home my parents and I never got involved in each others finances. There is lots of practical support given and taken but not financial, and certainly never any resentment they had money I could use! I can assure you I am from a functioning family!

My mum and dad raised me to be an independent adult for which I am grateful, and the idea of turning your back on your parents who raised you and loved you when they are elderly as punishment for not continuing to support you financially as an adult is abhorrent.

My dad is gone and mum is very elderly now so I take care of paying her bills, buying her food etc. She has over £100K in the bank and its growing every month, it will possibly go to care home expenses one day, but, its her money for her benefit not mine and will I could put it to good use, I would never ask for it.

My mum and dad raised me to be an independent adult for which I am grateful, and the idea of turning your back on your parents who raised you and loved you when they are elderly as punishment for not continuing to support you financially as an adult is abhorrent

Totally agree with WeAllHaveWings. I never understand why, assuming a good relationship in other ways, people view helping out loving (and loved) parents is totally dependent upon them handing out cash as you decide you need/want it. I cannot imagine "leaving my parents to it" in their old age as some sort of punishment for not acceding to my demands. That is a truly terrible way to treat your parents- unless there is some history of abuse or genuine unpleasantness, where clearly there are other reasons for not providing help you might otherwise. But so often on threads like this, I see "well if they won't give you the money, then just tell them/imply that they will have to fend for themselves when they are old and frail".

In OPs case, it would clearly be nice of her parents to give her the money she wants. But it is possible they have a good reason (even if it is not what other parents might do), e.g. perhaps they have given her money before and don't believe in 2nd/3rd handouts. My aunt and uncle have done this- some help for a deposit (as well as putting through university and so on), but after that they expect their DC to stand on their own two feet. Though I would guess in life or death situations/homeless or something of that ilk they would help.

Many parents feel adult children should not need continuing financial support. Maybe her mother has picked up on OPs disdain for her- I can imagine that I might not be keen on giving money to someone who described me the way OP has described her mother. I can't really tell whether OP has a good relationship with them and is just annoyed about this specific issue so highlighting her mum's worse points because of that, or if there are wider issues in the relationship. If you don't have a good relationship and don't like someone, then I think it is a bit off (and unwise) to expect handouts from them.

I agree constantly going on about how much items cost is tacky, and not something I would do/be interested in. And no, I wouldn't be buying expensive christmas presents.

YABVU and sound entitled. You’re an adult.
You can buy your parents whatever you want for Christmas - doesn’t have to be expensive.

WOW what kind of parents wouldn't offer to help out their kids if they were struggling? I'd be resentful too! Mine have always tried to help despite being on the bones of their arses.

YANBU. They are tight, mean and self-centered

As a parent of grown up children I don’t understand their thinking cos I love helping mine out, gave them deposit for house when I sold my own, have downsized and happy to if it means they get a leg up in today’s tough world, I help out wherever and whenever I can and they are not spoilt or entitled in any way, they work really hard and appreciate everything that comes with it, it’s alien to me that parents have money without sharing with their kids, just doesn’t fit in my way of thinking

I am one of five kids and my dad always says, 'treat them all the same' so he they help you with a sum they should give the same money to your sister right? So just ask them it's yes or no

I think as a parent myself, what they are doing is heartless

i totally get where your coming from YANBU...

Bloody hell OP. Your parents sound extremely selfish. Could not imagine being that well off and not helping or even helping out if I had a bit spare. They should have given away the large sum they recently acquired to help you all for your future. From your description it sounds like they are being wilfully mean. What are they like in other ways. Can’t believe they expect expensive Christmas presents too

I don't understand the general MN view that once you're kids at over 18, they're adults and should stand alone. If it's in my power I will always help my DC, that's what families are for, to support, assist, and be there for each other in whatever way you can. I hate this society view of every man for himself.

'I don't understand the general MN view that once you're kids at over 18, they're adults and should stand alone. '

Except if they want to continue living at home or move back home, particularly to clear debt or save for a house deposit. In that case you should be willing to allow them to remain at home for free, all bills included, or save whatever they pay you to give back to them.

I must admit I don’t understand the mindset that squirrels away money they don’t spend whilst watching adult children struggle when the money’s only likely to end up paying care Home fees. Still each to their own. My parents are not wealthy although are comfortable enough but they’ve helped me out when I have struggled and while it’s never been expected it’s been massively appreciated.

Everyone in my family is very generous and even my OH parents who both work v hard and don't have a huge amount of money are always helping us with new purchases for our children/house etc. even though we tell they don't have to. Both sets of grandparents are also very generous with their time and help lots around the house etc.

When I hear about other people's parents who are funny about helping their children financially when they have the means to, it makes me think they must not be very kind, giving parents in general as I think being generous with money (within reason obviously) reflects on you as a person in general. You are probably less materialistic and always put your loved ones first. I think when you have children most the money you are making and the reason you work hard is for them and they're getting everything eventually so why not help them when they need it.

So yeah your parents ABU but I guess there's nothing you can say unfortunately without them thinking you are being greedy and asking for something that isn't yours.

Did you tell them you didn't have money saved? My parents never gave me anything either. Friends got driving lessons, cars etc. I worked and saved and got it all by myself. I resented it at the time but the achievement was all mine. I think you could approach them for a loan but you shouldn't expect it as a gift.

I would feel the same as you OP. Ok, we know as adults we should stand on our own two feet and shouldn’t “expect” it. But as a mum of two children myself I know I would get immense pleasure with being able to help my children out when they are older, if I was financially able to do so. It’s a tough world and if you can make things a bit easier for your children, why wouldn’t you? I know if my parents were well off they would want to help where they could too. I know they would want to make it fair to my siblings too, so would want to treat us all the same.
It doesn’t sound like you are spoilt, ungrateful or expecting the help OP. You just feel a bit sad that they can’t help you at this point in your life as a one off. I would be a bit upset too.