About parents' money

[junpinline]

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

My first thought was why are you buying a house that you’re a few thousand short for? It would be nice if they gave you something, but not your right. Live within your means then anything else you get will be a bonus

Dipitydoda

I know its a long thread but how about you just read the OP's posts before jumping to the wrong conclusion about her purchasing efforts?

@junpinline can you ask your Dad for a loan of 1.5k and propose an interest rate as a PP mentioned.
If you set it out factually that you’re not trying to rip them off but require this amount of money that will be repaid in a set number of months (add a clause of you’ll repaid unless of emergency that month) and the reason why, I’m sure they would lend you the money. It’s possible they think you won’t pay it back and therefore they’ll have to give your siblings the same.
Otherwise 0% credit card?

Hope you manage to sort it out.

My father has watched me struggle has never offered a penny and is leaving his house and all savings to my stepmother. I just ignore it, at least I owe him nothing.

Op is selling her house out of necessity because she has moved areas. Her mortgage company is no longer allowing her to rent. She would therefore now need a btl mortgage
I'm guessing you found all this info on another thread, I can't see it on here.
If the OP needs a btl mortgage, she is not planning to live in it (or its big enough to have independent units within it which she'll be letting out..). If she just lets rooms to lodgers everything online appears to say she can do that without a special mortgage, so its more than that.
So at the risk of sounding harsh, if the costs of buying are too high, and she's buying somewhere with independent dwellings for letting, the solution must be to get something smaller, surely?
Being a landlord without any saving left after the purchase would be risky - if your own heating breaks, you can choose to suffer and wait to fix it - you can't charge people full rent and make them wait for basic amenities though.

Tough, you can’t expect it, but would be nice of them if they are wealthy enough to help you out - are they of the we did it all ourselves generation, no handouts, so think you can do the same - or clued up enough to know and that circumstamces have changed?
My parents are okay, have nice cars, nice house, nice holidays and do occasionally gift me and three siblings but we wouldn’t ever expect it, helped when trying to buy own house a few years ago.

Get where you are coming from op. I think things were a lot easier for their generation and you could do fairly well with an average job and one salary per family in the case of a lot of my friends parents.

Obviously they don't owe you anything. My parents are about to give my brother a really big sum of money as he isn't on housing ladder. Dh and I, with three kids, will get nothing as we already own. Trying at the moment not to feel resentful about that but it is hard!

Everybody decides what they do. If they expect expensive presents... why dont yiu say you have no cash for that? If you stay quiet - your own fault. Dont moan about it.
Its their money they owe you nothing. Best if you stop thinking their money is yours. Many children grow up as orphans, in foster care etc and they become millionaires. They work for it.
Why you sell one house if you cant afford another? You expect your parents to upgrade your house or something?
I hate this entitled thinking puke

Have only read the OP’s posts, which are very “but I neeeeeeed it!”, and go from her needing the £1,500 to “the whole chain falling through”, as though the parents should financially support random strangers.

You don’t do your 20-something generation any favoura with this sort of behaviour OP. You’ve clearly done very well to have bought a house at all at your age, as well as the multiple cars you say you’ve bought. This £1,500 was totally foreseeable if you had read your underlying lease, or what your conveyancer told you at the time of purchase.

Also, if money is tight to the nearest £1,500 when housebuying, I’m not sure you’re exercising prudence tbh.

You’re also comparing yourself to your three best friends, who seem to have wealthy parents. You’re really coming across as - yup - entitled. Sorry, but there it is.

Frankly, any 20-something year old who can say of her mother that she hasn’t worked a day in her life and lives off her dad’s money gets absolutely zero sympathy from me (assuming tour Mum didn’t outsource all non-salary-earning work, all your and your sisters’ lives). That’s an especially nasty thing to say, and betrays you.

A sharp knock letting “the whole chain fall through” might be just what you need to learn that life isn’t easy, that your parents aren’t your debtors, that comparison is the third of joy, and maybe that you might be moving in the wrong social circles for your mindset.

Plumsofwrath Well said

Wow @Plumsofwrath I must mix in weird circles. Most of my friends have been helped out by their families if they have been up against it - whether they have spare money or not. I would do it for my kids too. The word entitled doesn't enter into it, it's about family, support and kindness in my world.

namewithchange

Whatever circles they are, thanks for making it through my post, the typos are horrific

I agree with you largely. It’s just the combination of entitlement/expectation and whining. If I see my children strive, work hard, do their best to stand on their own two feet, think and act independently but see them flounder for reasons which are truly out of their control, I couldn’t not help them, even if it meant getting myself into debt. I’d carry that burden for them.

This OP comes across as saying her parents OWE her. In this case it’s money she wants, but it could be anything. She’s a grown woman, capable of earning enough to fund a good life. She’s working and has no dependents. What do her parents OWE her? Given how disparagingly she speaks of her mother, is she owed even affection? I’m sure she is loved, but does she have an entitlement to that? My small children are owed love, time, affection, nurturing, feeding, clothing, housing blah blah blah and can rightly expect that from me. But the whole point of growing up is that you cease to need many of these things and ageing parents can cease to owe it. Those who can (and those who can’t) will likely want to give it anyway for as long as they live and even after they die, but the expectation has to fall away. That’s a defining feature of becoming an adult (and why I’m always exasperated at people referring to 18 year olds as adults...).

I've always been very grateful that my parents have helped me and my DH out when things have been tight especially when DCs were little. I also would like to think that if my DD or DS needed help financially we would help without a second thought- isn't this what families do for each other?. OP I really hope you manage to move in to your house and hopefully if you explain to your parents that it's just a loan they will see fit to help. Can't believe some of the responses you've had on here some very opinionated people!

YANBU. It sounds like 1.5k would be a drop in the ocean to them but to you it's the difference between moving and a whole chain falling apart. It is exceptionally shitty of them to refuse to help you when they have the means to do so. My MIL is like this. Has a good few grand squirrelled away that she doesn't touch. We once needed to move and asked to borrow 4k with payment plan and timescale set out. She wouldn't do it even though it would have made no difference to her finances. We learned long ago that she will not be a parent now her children are grown up. I will never be like that when mine are adults and would love to help them if I am able to.

Can you get a loan or put it on a credit card and pay it off over the next few months? May cost you a bit more but it would mean you still get to move. And do not buy them expensive presents anymore, token presents only.

@Plumsofwrath

I just think you are being a bit harsh in these circumstances.

Her question was is she being U for starting to resent them as they go on their multiple fancy holidays and seem to have unlimited funds to spoil themselves with their large inheritance and comfortable lifestyle. Of course it is their money and they can do as they wish but I think it's understandable she is starting to feel resentful given the circumstances.

With regards to the Lease and unexpected costs, she said 'It's nothing to do with the mortgage. I'm selling a leasehold property and it's an exit and deed transfer fee from the leaseholder.'

She made a mistake and didn't realise when she purchased this property the vendor had paid this. (They might well have wanted to keep this quiet as it would put off potential purchasers) She may have forgotten that a couple of years on, many older adults I know cock-up with situations like that. That seems a reasonable mistake to make given her age and experience in life - first property ever purchased and all that. You comment was quite nasty that this was totally foreseeable.

Good luck OP, I hope your parents decide your happiness and security in a home as you continue through life is an important investment for them to support you with.

My mum is not by any means well off but whenever I see her she will give me and the dc money. We've had a rough year financially and I have not mentioned it to her but she can see we have struggled - job loss. Her way of helping will be to give me the odd £100 here and there which I never ask for but which she can see will help. I would love to be able to give my eldest some money to help her buy a property, or just to have lovely things for her own little family now. How can any parent so wealthy be so incredibly mean? It's the most unattractive trait.

I know quite a few parents now my age (60’s) who, having spent money on private education, holidays, sports and so on, now spend their excess cash on themselves. Their children struggle when they could easily go without a long haul holiday or two and help them with house deposits and so on. I cannot understand it. I would be ashamed to live the high life while my children went without.

I think the original poster should explain her financial circumstances to her parents and ask for a loan if she needs it.

I was brought up in poverty and both my parents are dead, having not left anything significant after funeral expenses (a few hundred pounds). I vowed I would do everything possible so that my children would never know a poor upbringing.

I have been a SAHM and a working mum. DH and I have managed to buy our (huge mortgaged) house to give them a lovely home which we hope one day to finally own before we both retire. They have had over the years various sports/musical instrument lessons and coaching. We have holidays in the UK, not extravagant but they do get a holiday. They had a mix of new and second hand clothes when they were younger, and now get mostly new (I still wear lots of previously loved clothes, so they can have new). I've never had a new car, but I've always managed to have a car. I'm frugal with some things so we can have more/nicer of others.

When they go to university, we'll try to help them and set them on a good path for the future. If we have any money we will try to help with cars and house deposits, but in reality unless we sell our house we probably won't have huge lump sums to offer. I hope they won't expect us to sell our home unless it's something we choose to do, because it's right for us.

When we retire and get our pensions, I would be mortified if our children resented us for finally having a holiday to one of the places we have dreamed of visiting, but have never been able to afford to. If we're ever in the position that I can walk in to a car showroom and buy a brand new car, I hope that our children will be proud that their mum and dad can finally afford nice stuff and treat themselves. I hope that when we tell them about our adventures, they won't come on the internet moaning that we are rubbing their noses in our wealth. We are loving and caring parents, but we do hope one day to have something selfishly for ourselves too. It sounds as though OP has had far too much handed on a plate and expects to be coddled rather than asking for help if needed.

We have no idea of the backstory which gave rise to such resentment of her parents (especially her mother) - did she entirely self-fund her first property purchase (which is not her home), or did her DP already contribute a possibly substantial sum to that? Perhaps they just don't want to be seen as a cash cow, to give money whenever its wanted. There can be a balance, without them being heartless and uncaring!

While as others have said I disagree that it’s your dads money, imo it’s both of theirs, I will go out on a limb and say that as a parent I’d want to help my dc get a foot up if it was within my means, and equally as the daughter of wealthy parents, I’d hope that they’d want to help out (assuming I wasn’t frittering it away) if I needed it.

@usernamealreadytaken You are making a lot of assumptions and ignoring the fact they have (on top of their already nice lifestyle) recently come into a large amount of money.

It has also been clearly stated by the OP that her parents have never given her any money.

Please take the time to read before you comment, it's just not useful and makes no sense in context.

YANBU, at all.

What is family about if you can't help eachother? Be there for eachother?

I would be very sad if a small loan which would not dent finances were refused, and a home to my daughter lost.

This is a very sad thread. OP, I hope you can find a way of telling your parents how you feel, as it's not about the money really, it's about them not looking out for you.

Seriously... This thread shows why money is the root of all evil.

It's fucking money. What's it for if not for spending, or at least lending, to make the lives of loved ones a bit easier? What's family all about if not to help each other?

OP doesn't need to be taught any life lessons by the sound of it.

Xpost with Belle on the whole IT'S FAAAAAMILY thing

@NameWithChange sorry, you're right, I had overlooked that they had given OP and siblings no money previously. They did, however, give her the sort of upbringing that meant she could buy a property to let (not to live in) at a very young age (whether by supporting education, or by neglect, who knows, but they did give her a life that enabled that). I was commenting that we had nothing financially from my parents (nor indeed from PILs) at all and everything we have we worked for.

I still stand by my point that, having worked hard and given my children the best start possible, I would be hugely disappointed if they resented that I could finally enjoy life and have nice holidays etc - @ClaraSais summed it up beautifully IMO. Parents do not have to contribute financially in order for their children to be able to make their way successfully in adult life. If parents want to enjoy their money then that's absolutely their prerogative; we all have different opinions and OP was asking for ours so should be prepared to actually receive them!

You could ask them for a loan. However, despite my family being reasonably well off and my IL being loaded, we saved and paid our deposit ourselves. We even rented a flat in a block where my IL owned one, just to be independent adults. I think your parents aren't BU, I think they want you to do things for yourself.