About parents' money

[junpinline]

My parents are quite wealthy; they have a large house with no mortgage, fancy holidays a few times a year, spend loads on clothes and meals and cars and socialising. My dad works but Mother doesn't.

Recently they came into a large sum of money and are busy spending it on new furniture, redecorating, cars etc.

I have two sisters and we are all in our twenties. Our parents have never given any of us any money. I bought a house two years ago and saved for years, my parents contributed by buying me a kettle.

I'm currently trying to sell the house and I'm going to be few thousand short for a deposit on new house. I'm struggling hard to save this and my parents know. In the meantime they've just bought another new car and are going abroad next week. They always expect expensive gifts at Christmas etc.

AIBU to be starting to resent them for this?

[ZBIsabella]

There is a surprising gulf between people on here. I think helping with a first property if you can afford it and university is enough. Others think that is very mean. I have seen too many people whose children stop making much effort as they think parents will help out all the time to think it is wise psychologically always to be helping once they are grown up.

I think we will all just have to agree to disagree on this. Obviously most mothers would give their last potato to enable a child to stay alive but moving house is not in the same category. Once they are grown up it is up to them to make their own way. I would feed them in hard times but not do bail out after bail out. I also want to treat them all the same so need enough money to do that to be fair to them all.

Then if one picks low paid work compared to the others that is then their choice and they will know they will have consequences for that particularly on housing which is fine - their choice. I am not then going to make up their financial position to that of a sibling who chose a different career.

[bebealpha]

I'm astonished at all the people making comments that she can't afford a
house unless she has 6 months mortgage payments as back up. No one would say that to a renter. My mortgage has gone down now but when we bought this house was £2k a month. That's £12k they are talking about. Ridiculous. I wasn't going to take out a mortgage for £12k more than I needed to. Its debt.

This is my third property and every time I have bought the most expensive property I could scrabble the money together for often without any reserve for any work I wanted to do which I then needed to pay out of my income. I'm relatively affluent now.

The op has said nothing about what protection policies she has which can cover for most things anyhow.

[malificent7]

Sometimes its not as simple as choosing a well paid career.
What if your dc dont get the grades, or get bullied out, or suffer redundancy, or cant afford childcare, or have a breakdown, or hate being a corporate lawyer?

Should well off parents refuse to help their kids just because they cant find a well paid job or gave chosen to be a carer rather than an investment banker?

I blame my lack of career progression on mental health issues rather than lack of work ethic.

But i rekon my dad thinks it's because im lazy.

[Kaybush]

I can understand your resentment OP and tend more towards the view that parents should always help out their children, as I would and will when mine are adults. Though I do agree with the PP who said it can demotivate in the long term.

My parents have been generous with me and my sister, but there was a thread on here a few months ago that was truly eye-popping.

An OP had recently discovered just how many of her friends, neighbours and acquaintances were seriously helped out by their parents. Many had house extensions, cars or holidays regularly paid for in full by parents. Most of the recipients had good jobs too and weren't short of money.

It really made me wonder about some of my 'wealthier' friends and how lucky some people are and I must admit the thread brought out some green envy in me at the time!

I would save this whole thread OP and bring it up as a conversation piece with your parents next time you see them!

[junpinline]

To answer some questions and assumptions;

I don't have a badly paid job, I earn 32k and I'm 26. But it is hard to rent and save.

I don't live in my current house as I relocated for work and now my consent to let has ended so need to sell. I have equity in the house but new city is more expensive.

My parents have never given me any money to help out - no university money, no car money, no money for first house deposit. I'm just writing this as a fact btw, not born out of resentment before everyone jumps on this!

If I have saved 10k in two years I don't really think I'm living beyond my means. But I also don't know many young people who buy their first property with the luxury of having six months savings etc - for me that would be more than my deposit! Most of my friends have poured most of their savings into their first home as they don't have any other choice.

[NameWithChange]

Thanks for clarifying OP. The amount of ridiculous comments and speculation about Buy to Let etc on this thread has been really getting on my wick!

I hope you can find a way to clearly explain to your parents (better to approach your father directly? Only you would know this) how this is a one-off, unexpected and you can repay a loan ASAP.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all and it is quite normal to expect your parents to try to help given the circumstances.

[NoSquirrels]

You can back, OP!

Are you going to propose a short-term loan to your DPs?

[Flipflopflipflap]

OP I’m sorry if this sounds rude but you’re whole situation sounds odd? I’m three years younger than you, and earn a fair bit less, but I help my parents (bought them a new boiler a few months back amongst others) and they help me, (helped with buying my car, loaned me money for tyres when needed) and the same with my sister, we all help each other as best we can.
None of us have a lot, but we do our best.
Hope you’re ok

[Goldilocks3Bears]

Before we all think that the parents are being mean and should look after their kids, let’s all reflect on the fact that current prices for care homes in the London and southeast area are around £30,000 - £40,000 a year.

How many on this thread are able to and willing to help their parents in return and/or move them in for their final years when they may need that extra support?

Ahhhh, family dynamics are a wonderful thing.

[ZBIsabella]

junp, in that case I understand your concern. if it's just a few thousand for the new house could you not just get a second job at weekends and save up the difference and stick it on a credit card for now?

We slightly changed the thread into broader and very interesting issues. Eg one of my children has chosen lower paid work. They and the other 2 older ones have all had exactly the same university funding and exactly the same help with a first property and they have known since they were tiny that this is what we do in our family and no one has a problem with that - the one who picked low paid work is very happy with their life and doesn't even want as expensive a property as higher paid siblings and is not into things and money.

Saving £10k in 2 years is very good - well done you.
is there a way you can negotiate the price of the second place down eg needing repairs to make up the small shortfall on what you have or could you borrow a bit more. My daughter used a really good mortgage broker last year who was worth the money in finding someone who would lend that multiple.

[NameWithChange]

Actually ZB makes a good point I hadn't thought.... sometimes in these situations the Chain all contribute a bit towards this extra unforeseen expense in order to stop everything falling through for everyone. Your Estate Agent (if they are any good) may be able to help you with this and see if it's possible. Try asking them.

[Bluelady]

Don't know where you live, Goldilcks, but a decent care home that doesn't smell of wee is £50k+ round here.

[RealityHasALiberalBias]

I think Plumsofwrath is bang on with this.

It's telling that the OP never addresses or responds to the practical suggestions offered in this thread. She just keeps coming back to make the same vague points.

The tone of OP's posts reeks of a bad relationship with her parents, so there's obviously two sides to this.

If OP won't engage with the practical suggestions - ask parents clearly for a loan, look into other options e.g. credit card - then I get the impression that they're not actually that desperate.

They made a cock-up, didn't read some small print, and are here for a rant because their friends' parents give them stuff.

It does sound entitled, and I bet the other side of this story would be very enlightening.

[junpinline]

I think I had said that I had asked for a loan and my parents had refused?

Don't really want to put the money on a credit card in case this causes issues with the mortgage going through.

[NoSquirrels]

I think I had said that I had asked for a loan and my parents had refused?

What was their reason for refusing? How did the conversation go? Because you said upthread that they “weren’t interested” and “said you were good at saving so must have it squirrelled away” - but I can’t understand why you didn’t say then, clearly - No, I don’t have it and I can’t borrow it because it will affect the mortgage. My chain will fall through without it.

It really does change my opinion if you have asked clearly and been refused for an arbitrary reason, or if you have just not communicated well.

[Goldilocks3Bears]

If you already have your mortgage offer in place then you can put whatever you like on your credit card.

[NoSquirrels]

Practical suggestions:


Find out when the fee is due. On completion- will the lease not be released if it isn’t paid on time? If this is the case:

Realise you’ll be £1500 down at completion. This is when your solicitor will want to be paid, so ask for an agreement to split the bill/find out if 50% on completion, 50% month after is possible.

After exchange, stop spending from your current account, get a 0% credit card (or use an existing card with the idea of transferring to 0% after completion) and put all your day to day spending on that, freeing up that cash to pay £1500.

Ask siblings x 2 - any chance you can loan me £500 each, parents are being gigantic tightwads.

[Maricia]

Booked a piano tuner and asked before approx cost but didn't get estimate but figured no more then £ 100. First he was bit early and me still in bath rope so showed piano and asked politely if he wanted a tea or coffee. Yes coffee and he was starving so I thought no worries I'll add some biscuits or so but he emphasised he would like a sandwich! Rustled that up and served and was then informed the piano needs 2 tunings so cost £140. Me being unknown with any costs or procedures asked him when he would return for second tuning but he said he does it same time. Started to feel that I might be taken for a ride and anyway was annoyed with request of food so told him that I requested price indication before hand as piano not really used and wasn't planning on spending a lot. He told me he thought he did , I showed him our text history and he had to admit he didn't. ( still in bathrope , naked underneath). I then told him I would like to abort tuning and pay him a small token fee and for him to feel free to take his lunch. He said he was half way ( he was there less then 10 min !) and that he would finish first tuning being £95. I told him I found him rude and would like him to leave immediately and get lost and called my DH ( who fortunately was home ) to see him out. He refused to leave before payment of £45, my DH told him fine and walked him out and then asked him why he parked on our private parking ( we live in London and paid parking outside our property) and that cost is £ 25 and gave him £ 20. He left cursing underneath his breath. Wow what a weird experience. It's not really the cost but the sandwich was weird and then fluctuations cost makes me suspicious and wish he would of informed me. Isn't average cost below a £ 100 ?

[Chocolate50]

They sound tight tbh. I have grown up DC's & although I'm not well off do what I can to help them out. I would be offended if they didn't come to me when they need to. For money, for comfort, for whatever. I would try to help if I could, even if it was to advise or help with a solution. And I've no doubt that if they needed money & i had it, I'd share it.
I'd distance myself.

[Kerala2712]

OP, you sound like you are incredibly sensible and have worked hard, and in answer to your original question, no yanbu- i would be miffed too. Unfortunately your parents sound mean. My parents have helped me out when needed and i them, they helped my brothers and have also said no because they can’t afford it. What do your sisters think? Looks oike you may need to chalk it up to experience, do what you can to fix it yourself, if anything, tell them exactly the facts (maybe in a clear factual email) and move on- sadly we all end up having the relationship with our parents as adults that they deserve- not what we deserve. Hard lesson though. I hope you get it sorted. People on here saying weekend jobs and yabu etc etc are coming from a different era. It is very much harder financially now than it was even 20years ago, let alone for baby boomers.

[Kaybush]

It's not about money so much as sharing and kindness and wanting the best for those we love.

I agree - I'm sorry OP but your parents really don't sound very nice.

[Cataline]

You know this thread has been picked up by The Scum right?
Daughter sparks amazing debate on Mumsnet after asking why her rich parents won't help her buy a home - The Sunapple.news/AL4hc2DxgRyqbkm_n4Kldhw

[Mummyoflittledragon]

NameWithChange
What are you talking about ridiculous comments about btl? If you are referring to mine, I was explaining to a previous poster that op was selling her house out of necessity. I did refer to btl mortgages and tax. However, I was contextualising why becoming an accidental ll and renting out a property in one area whilst being a tenant in another isn’t sustainable in the long term. Not speculating.

MrsDV
Yes, I agree, op is doing pretty well to have got on the ladder. However, unless she is able to buy another once she’s sold, she would once again be a generation rent statistic.

[NameWithChange]

@Mummyoflittledragon

No, I wasn't referring to your comment. I was referring to usernamealreadytaken who, after commenting that we didn't know if the OP's parents had given her money in the past to buy her house (which was incorrect as she had already confirmed she had received nothing from them ever) then went on to say that the OPs parents had

'given her the sort of upbringing that meant she could buy a property to let (not to live in)'

Again incorrect and annoying to be going down a Buy To Let route with the argument.