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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 10/02/2018 12:55

Yanbu, this entitled attitude of some parents is shameful. Fags and booze before school shoes Angry

expatinscotland · 10/02/2018 12:56

You're judgemental, you scold her, she 'tags along', do you make it a point to hang out with people you consider inferior just to make yourself feel even more smug? A lot of people do this. They're bullies.

Some friend! Hopefully she comes to her senses and drops you.

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 12:56

Interesting how quite a few posters seem to take the situation personally!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 12:57

This woman is not close to op. How do you know how this woman is like. Op just stated the bleeding obvious.

BlindLemonAlley · 10/02/2018 12:59

I remember holding my tongue [then regretting it] when a mum said that she doesn't make the voluntary contributions to fund school trips, for her dd because "she doesn't believe in it".

^

This makes me Angry and is far more common than most people realise.

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 13:00

Having been on the sharp end of cliquey bullies myself I take it personally, yes.

Whocansay · 10/02/2018 13:00

You shamed her in front of other people. You didn't need to do that. That was spiteful.

Ivymaud · 10/02/2018 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkbutton85 · 10/02/2018 13:01

Too bloody right! If you can afford to smoke and drink, you can afford school shoes.

If you choose smoking and drinking over school shoes then you shouldn’t have children!

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 13:01

You had a valid point. My cousin is exactly the same

NotASingleFuckToGive · 10/02/2018 13:02

You were rude, but not wrong.

I work in an area of the country where the rate of children living in poverty is high. While the Tories don't give a fuck about the WC or strive to improve wages and living standards, government cutbacks are not responsible for every shitty life choice anyone makes. And the truth is, some parents are selfish, and do need to re-evaluate what constitutes a 'priority'. If you put luxury items above the basic needs of your child to be fed, clothed and comfortable, then you're a pretty crap parent and deserve to be called out on that.

So yes, I do judge parents who "can't afford" the essentials, but can find cash for cigarettes and days/nights out.
The amount of cigarette butts outside the doorway of our local food bank speaks for itself, IMHO.

EfficiencyDeficiency · 10/02/2018 13:02

For the record, just because I mentioned my neighbour putting drugs before her kids, I smoke ( more fool me ) but-

My kids have everything they need and more.
It's all about priorities.

I hate Clarks shoes. My dd had the loud and lairy Lelli Kelly shoes with the interchangeable hearts that you colour in.
They were actually ok and lasted from September to February.

Her new pair will probably be from Tesco.
As long as she has new shoes that are comfortable and supportive then I'm no shoe snob.

Find it hard to read the posts calling people out for finding it wrong that a parent would choose to spend their money on frivolities! rather than necessities for their kids.

woodhill · 10/02/2018 13:04

Totally agree with you OP. Maybe it made her think.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 13:04

It might give her food for thought, if you hadent said anything, somebody else might. Can't stand stuff like this.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/02/2018 13:06

If you choose smoking and drinking over school shoes then you shouldn’t have children

^^ This.

Likewise the school contributions, far too many don't pay as they believe their children should cost them nothing whilst still having all the things others pay for.

Openup41 · 10/02/2018 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

NewYearNewMe18 · 10/02/2018 13:11

Whilst it's one of those things we all inwardly think, you have to have some understanding of addiction. As an ex smoker, I can understand the need for nicotine.

But then, I used to look at all the mothers of the FSM kids at the school gates with their nails, hair extensions, fake bake, false lashes, fake designer gear from down the market, and think "priorities". I'm far more judgemental on that type of expenditure.

You wont like the link of course, but feel free to google your own source for the woman and her reliance on spending benefits on her self. She's got quite a notoriety for popping up on these sorts of shows waiting for fame
www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/750098/Phillip-Schofield-This-Morning-ITV-benefits-Davina-McCall

hungryhippo90 · 10/02/2018 13:15

As a child who came after my parents fags and other choices just for themselves I agree with what you did.

Of course she will think you were rude, but maybe the shame in being called out with mean that she puts her kids needs a little higher up in future.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 13:15

What did she expect saying that! Sympathy, even if nobody had said anything, there might have been a few looks or uncomfortable silence.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 10/02/2018 13:21

YANBU to be annoyed but I'm not sure I would have said anything. I'm sure my eyes would have popped out on stalks tho!

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2018 13:22

YABU, no matter how sensitive you drip feed you were, you obviously were not if she felt the need to leave due to your comments. You made of point of challenging and humiliating her in front of her friendship group, but its ok because she's just a tagger on.

A lot of people complain about the affordability of children's shoes, maybe laying it on a bit thicker than they need to, they don't need you to analyse their spending and publically point of where they are financially and morally going wrong.

It was a particularly bitchy move on your part and absolutely nothing to be proud of. You owe that woman a public apology for publically shaming her.

AndInShortIWasAfraid · 10/02/2018 13:25

Yanbu. My mum was similar. I wish someone had had the balls to tell her the truth. In the dead of winter I'd be walking around in ballet flats with holes in them while she spent money on her jewellery collection.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 13:29

Exactly, it's the kids who need new school shoes I feel for, kids like and in, and another poster whose parents prioritised themsekves over their kids.

PeapodBurgundy · 10/02/2018 13:30

I wouldn't have said anything, but I seldom do. I try not to judge, and when I do, I try to do it quietly. I'm not up for mother of the year myself, and I'm sure there are many who judge me.

That being said, I struggle not to stick my oar in with DP's nieces and nephews. We all went to the panto before Christmas (MIL paid as Christmas gifts for us all, which was very gratefully received). We walked there (about 20 mins) in about 2 degree 'heat'. DS was in his pram with three layers of indoor clothing, a coat, blanket, footmuff, hat and gloves.
The elder two children had zip up hoodies on over one layer of indoor clothing, the toddler and the baby had one layer of indoor clothing, neither had shoes, the baby didn't have socks, neither had a coat, just a thick zip up cardi type thing (the toddler's one didn't fasten). Neither had a footmuff or blanket. The buckle on the toddler's pushchair was broken so no way to secure him in. He almost toppled out twice that I saw on that short walk going down curbs.
Their parents both smoke, and their Dad has a heavy drink and drug problem which they find the money for. Their Mam is re-decorating her house at the moment. MIL won't buy anything for the children any more, as their Dad sells it (hence she offered to pay for the panto when we said we were going).
Some people just have very different priorities when it comes to distribution of finances. SS are involved, so I feel there's little else I can do to be honest.

hungryhippo90 · 10/02/2018 13:30

I am agog at the posters giving OP a kick in for saying something.

If this woman felt it was a conversation to be had whilst around the whole friendship group she should accept what people’s opinions are.

Why is the vitriol not being aimed at the fact we are in 2018, and there are still parents who are openly talking about their kids needing stuff that they don’t have whilst they spend fairly large amounts on bulk amounts of cigarettes and alcohol.