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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
MeganBacon · 10/02/2018 12:24

I think you have totally the right priorities and you exercised your right to express an opinion, but it was uninvited so won't do any good. You know that it won't endear you to her but I'm guessing she's not your type of person anyway. It's really her hard luck that someone called her out on her priorities but these days it's considered judgemental and I keep my opinions to myself if I know they will be unwelcome on the basis that it's just not worth the hassle - you live your way, she lives hers.

scrabbler3 · 10/02/2018 12:25

I feel sorry for her kids. I hope she's seen sense.

I also feel a bit sorry for her tbh. It sounds like life isn't easy for her, money worries can feel brutal.

The "tag along" comment seemed
mean-spirited but was perhaps unintended.

BrownTurkey · 10/02/2018 12:28

Depends. The moan about the cost of shoes may have not been totally serious. But if you made her think, that's not bad in itself. Did your other friends look horrified when you said it?

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 12:28

I actually think people like that are never told what you said as everyone is too polite, so they think it’s actually fine or don’t even equate the 2 things. It’s important that someone does point out the obvious occasionally. Very brave!
Totally agree with this too. There seem to be such a culture developing of people making bad choices and then whinging and blaming others for the consequences and expecting sympathy for it because telling them the truth is deemed rude. It's a very British thing!

Rude in my world would have been dependent on how the message was delivered. There is a difference between 'It sounds like you did have the money but it went on drinks and cigarettes and that's why your child is without new shoes now, maybe it's time to reconsider your budget, especially as this is impacting on your health', and 'what do you expect when all you care about is you and getting your booze and ciggies, you clearly don't care about your kids if you think this is more important than getting them new shoes when they need them'.

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 12:30

This really, really depends on what state the shoes are in. If they're just a bit scruffy and the child doesn't care then it's not an issue.

Your attitude towards this woman ("tags along" Hmm ) is horrible. You sound really quite unpleasant.

lilly0 · 10/02/2018 12:31

My DD needs new school shoes every 4-6 weeks because she decides to play football and girls shoes aren't designed for football we have looked at more chunky ones but she doesn't want "boy shoes" I complain to people I get takeaways and other bits maybe she was moaning ? I do DD is on her 4th pair of school shoes this school year.

TathitiPete · 10/02/2018 12:31

Ugh I bloody hate smug people who just know what everybody else should do.

"I'm sooooo great, everyone should be more like me. Everyone should follow my shining lead and do what I do. If everyone just did what I do /what I tell him to do their lives could be almost as fantastical as mine. Come smell my farts. They cure all known, and many unknown, illnesses. Me. Meeee. Oh, oh ME!"

lilly0 · 10/02/2018 12:32

I can afford to buy new shoes I just like to complain because I'm British

DullAndOld · 10/02/2018 12:33

exactly Pete, esp when it is obvious that the OP doesn't like this woman that none of the rest of us know....(she just 'tags along' you see).

Honestly the smuggery on this thread is making me feel physically sick.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/02/2018 12:36

I'd have said something too. Highly selfish to put own wants before children's needs and nobody needs alcohol or cigarettes.

Its not uncommon though, I've seen children in need of new clothes/shoes/coats whilst the parents are dressed to the nines with the latest phone or talking about their night out etc.

MaitlandGirl · 10/02/2018 12:38

I know someone who is constantly out every weekend, smokes like a chimney and spends a small fortune on alcohol each week yet has to get her ex partner to buy nappies, formula and clothes for their baby as she can’t afford it. He already pays over the CMS assessment and she gets a good income from the govt for her children but she’s always broke. I’ve been there when he’s turned up with a pile of baby essentials and extra child support in cash, and she’s said “oh good, I can afford to get smokes now”.

It’s all about priorities - his is their son, hers is herself.

Good for you for speaking out. I would but it would make life very difficult and I wouldn’t be allowed to babysit for her anymore and she’s get one of her friends to watch him (people I wouldn’t trust to look after a stuffed toy) so it’s not worth it.

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 12:39

Likewise, Dull.

FWIW I find smug, judgemental, bullying behaviour to be a stronger indicator of shit parenting than someone taking advantage of duty free tobacco and booze.

RideaCockHorseOfCourse · 10/02/2018 12:40

People are saying OP was rude. I guess it depends on how you define rude. You either tell her (which seems to have been deemed rude) or you don't. If you don't, then she just carries on thinking it's fine to put fags and alcohol above buying her kids new shoes. The main point in all of this I think, is that she was the one who brought it up for discussion. Yes, of course it's up to her how she does spend her money, but if she chooses to spend it in that way just don't voice to others that you can't afford the shoes. Because you had the money, but spent it on something not as important! Angry I remember holding my tongue [then regretting it] when a mum said that she doesn't make the voluntary contributions to fund school trips, for her dd because "she doesn't believe in it". I gritted my teeth thinking: Oh really! Yet you're sending dd on the trip - just happy for all of us other mugs to fund it for you! But of course, too wimpish to say anything.

swingofthings · 10/02/2018 12:43

Ugh I bloody hate smug people who just know what everybody else should do
Well if that mother wasn't acting like an idiot, and indeed put her kids first, there wouldn't need anyone smug to have to tell her.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 10/02/2018 12:44

A bit Shock at the number of posters telling you you were rude and it was none of your business.

The school won't decide it's none of their business when the child goes in in non-regulation shoes or complains that their feet hurt or are wet in their old ones.

And as far as 'children shouldn't always come first' goes, I actually think shoes for a child should come before cigarettes and alcohol for an adult even if those shoes are more of a want than a need. Isn't it a bit pathetic, as a parent, to effectively say to a child 'I know you would like XY, but you can't have it because I want to drink and smoke'?

Mamabear4180 · 10/02/2018 12:44

This reply has been deleted

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DullAndOld · 10/02/2018 12:45

burt swing how do we know that this woman was 'acting like an idiot'? she may have just made some comment about the price of shoes for all we know. Obviously OP doesn't like her, and we don't know her. Therefore suspend judgement.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/02/2018 12:45

Yes you were rude, but You were also right, and brave enough to say it. It's something most of us would think but would not say it.
Also to be honest you sound very clique and exclusive hence your "tags along" comment

MatildaTheCat · 10/02/2018 12:48

Did she actually say she wouldn’t be buying new shoes which were definitely needed or was it more a moan of, bloody hell, he’s gone through his school shoes again and I can’t afford to keep replacing them? That does not equate to refusing to buy the shoes it’s just a standard whinge about the cost of dull items which kids often abuse.

If her child is attending school with bare feet or shoes patched with newspapers while she sips gin and chain smokes YANBU. (I’m now in a Hogarth painting frame of mind Smile. )

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 12:49

No Mama, that was the woman, she shoukd have kept it to herself. Of course people will judge, if she and that she can't afford shoes for her kids, yet buys booze and alcohol! She told op and op has a right to express her opinion. Are you tge friend btw. I had to go without luxuries sometimes so I can afford kids shoes and uniform.

SlothMama · 10/02/2018 12:51

YANBU
As a parent you should sacrifice luxuries so that your children have the basics they need

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 12:51

It wasn't brave, it was just plain nasty.

Still, at least this woman won't be accepting any more lunch invitations from this group of "friends". Unless they do the right thing maybe and exclude the op from now on.

Lucymek · 10/02/2018 12:54

*Today 12:44 Mamabear4180

You sound like a smug, self righteous arsehole with a big mouth.*

But I bet her kids have school shoes.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 12:54

IT wasn't nasty, she was totally right, sometimes the truth hurts!

DullAndOld · 10/02/2018 12:55

I bet this woman's children also have school shoes tbh...