To tell someone their kids should come first

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

You would have been poking your nose in if you'd just waded in and said what you did. But in this case, your friend invited comments when she brought up the subject. We shouldn't feel we have to be sycophants and say exactly what people want to hear.

Maybe you were too blunt? It's impossible to know as we weren't there.

She always needs new onesies etc

My dad is a borderline alcoholic, like his parents although had a bit more resolve. so from the age of 8 me and my brother spent most of my childhood in the local pub. Other members of my family worked there aswell.. but we were never without anything. Always had clothes and shoes and as my dad was a gadget freak all the latest tech too. We constantly saw people who were drinking thier who cared more about getting the next buzz than thier kids. One young boy roughly the same age as my brother used to come to the pub looking like he was a pauper whilst his mum came in looking like she was going to the opera and then would spend maybe 8 hours drinking wine. My Nan always gave him money and treated him as one of her grandchildren. Being the cook for the pub she used to feed him too, anyone would think he hadn’t eaten for days. It’s just sad when you see people prioritising thier social life over thier kids welfare.

Sophisticatedsarcasm
My dad is a borderline alcoholic, like his parents although had a bit more resolve. so from the age of 8 me and my brother spent most of my childhood in the local pub.
It’s just sad when you see people prioritising thier social life over thier kids welfare.

See, you're knocking the lady in your OP whilst defending your Dad. Ones no better than the other. It amuses me that you have such double standards.

As for the original knock, it comes across as smug and sanctimonious. I have been known to have 'no money for kids shoes' this week, whilst blithely yabbering on about a trip to the Science Museum next week. (I remember it because someone reacted like you). In reality, I had no money THAT week, but my maintenance was due the following Monday and shoes and science museum were sorted from that.

I knew, and probably didn't realise I needed to produce a bank statement to be allowed to voice both things.

Trash

I really don't know anybody who puts fags and booze before their children's welfare irl

Sadly, I see it reasonably frequently through work. It's not always fags or booze- but the principle of putting their wants before their children's basic needs. E.g. can be smoking when they can't then afford to heat their house properly or put food on the table, parents who have warm winter coats and boots, yet children are in cheap canvas shoes and thin coats. I don't have friends who do it, I do have a relative who does it (and who often asks to borrow money).

Many parents put their needs before their child's.
The parents who never allow their children to play out because they fear they will get hurt.
Those who push their kids too hard academically because THEY want their kids to achieve to make them look good.
Those who are obsessed with their career and never spend time with their kids.
It's odd that the only ones who come in for a bashing are those who smoke or drink...and for all we know they may be stressed to hell and use cigs and alcohol as an escape or distraction from their anxiety.
You don't know the reasons people do things so stop being so bloody judgemental.

Peapodburgundy, that is shocking. Are children's services involved? Imo, this is a safeguarding matter.

Those poor kids.

You are very rude but you are not being unreasonable. I can't stand it when people complain about stuff like that and then spend money on things they don't actually need. The amount of stuff that I don't buy anymore because my baby comes first is insane. But everyone deserves a treat for all you know that might have been her treat for herself x

Gotta

I agree with what you say about different ways of parents not meeting their child's needs. I suppose it's because some are more obvious than others.

for all we know they may be stressed to hell and use cigs and alcohol as an escape or distraction from their anxiety

But the end result is children not having their basic needs met. The reasons you give are exactly that- reasons, never an excuse. Being anxious or stressed does not absolve you of your parental responsibilities to put your children first. I don't mean that glibly, I do recognise many parents have a tough time and face a daily struggle to make ends meet/cope with life. BUT you choose to have children, you take on the responsibility to make sure they are looked after.

How does making excuses for the parents help the children?

How does making excuses for the parents help the children

I'm not making excuses. I gave a reason. Life isn't black and white. How clear do you think your mind is when you are anxious and dressed? How logical do you think you can be.
What do you consider basic needs?
Is a child who has all the material things but who is over protected having basic needs met? Their need to develop skills to deal with outside situations? To develop confidence? Is that not as bad as having to wait for school shoes?
Is spoiling your child putting their needs first?
Is never having time to spend with them putting their needs first?
All parents have different problems...stop judging!

Couldn’t agree more I know someone exactly the same.

@rachie1973
Not defending him.... just saying you can prioritise your priority’s when it you need to. so I spent time in a pub as a child, but I had everything I needed. When I wasn’t at the pub I was out with my friends or doing events with the scouts. I never suffered as a child. My dad might have been a borderline alcoholic, but he always made sure we had every thing we needed, me, my brother and my mum. Even when they split when I was 11. My dad knows what it’s was like to have the bottle chosen over him and his siblings. And trust me... when your 10 years old and your family are friends with the landlords who give you free juice for picking up glasses and the drunks give you money for doing it aswell it’s like Christmas on a Friday and Saturday night. I didn’t have to go to the pub. I chose to. The point is... no ones saying you can’t have the luxaries just put your kids needs first.

My dad might have been a borderline alcoholic, but he always made sure we had every thing we needed, me, my brother and my mum

You could have had more had he not drank so much. He would also have been a better father, sober.
Your 'friends' kids may feel their mother provides adequately for them. They may feel loved. That's why you shouldn't have said what you said...You've shot yourself in the foot love....

Not being able to afford school shoes could mean that she can't afford them at all, or that she can't afford expensive shoes from Clark's. Shoes from Asda are not nearly so expensive.

@Gottagetmoving I don't know why you're so defensive, though, are you the friend?

Lizzie

I don't know how you find my posts defensive. Well, not personally defensive.
I'm putting points across because the 'friend' is not here to put her side of it. I am not keen on people who make judgements the way OP has and even moreso when they try to show someone up in front of others. It's not clever and its not nice.

I do understand that, but you also weren't actually there. The OP says that she's helped before with shoes, so obviously it was something of a sore point when the friend mentioned not being able to afford shoes again. She might have thought the friend was going to ask for help again.

Clearly there's a back story, and the friend not being able to afford shoes wasn't a one-off. I wouldn't say it's right to show people up like that, and running a thread on Mumsnet wasn't a good move imo, but I can well imagine why the OP got frustrated.

And yes, your last post was very defensive and quite rude.

Well Lizzie I disagree. I'm not criticising OP for getting frustrated. I'm criticizing her taking her frustration out on the OP.
I know the story...and OPs justification for it. I think she was in the wrong for all the reasons previously posted.
My last post was not defensive because I have nothing to defend. The last line was a bit condescending, I will grant you.
Perhaps I was 'frustrated'

I meant defensive of the woman in question, which was why I asked if you were the friend? What's your particular interest in taking her side?

What the OP said wasn't well advised, I grant you that, but it's probably better than nodded and sympathising and then criticising the friend behind her back, which is what a lot of people would do.

It would be interesting to know what the others in the group made of the exchange?

I meant defensive of the woman in question, which was why I asked if you were the friend? What's your particular interest in taking her side?

I've already explained why I have said what I have. I don't think it needs more explaining? What is anyone's interest in debating an issue on here?
What's your interest in this?

Probably best to quit this now. I thought you were excessively judgemental of the OP, and a bit self-righteous yourself, so a bit of pot calling the kettle black really.

But I'm backing out now, as this is getting a bit silly now. It will be interesting to see whether someone else jumps into this thread now.

Well you've told me what you think and I've told you what I think and we disagree.
That's all you can do now.

It’s okay @lizzie48 i already know I should have handled it better.... but some people overlook the 4 post where I have mentioned this. I asked if I was being unreasonable and have had a mixed bag of answers although. Like I said before I always keep comments to myself and generally the quiet one of the group. Why my other friends were shocked at my sudden outburst even though there was no shouting or screaming.... they understand where I’m coming from.
I think that the most of the people who are pissed off about what I said are or were in the same position as the women I was talking about. IMO though.... judging by thier reaction.
@gottagetmoving
I’m not a brat so wouldn’t need any more. I already had the newest mobile or the big brands clothing... had money to go out with my friends... not sure how much more I would need short of a mansion with a swimming pool which we were certainly not rich enough for 😊 like I’ve said before.... as long as kids have what they NEED it’s not a problem to divulge in a few luxuries. But if you think that ciggies and booze is more important your child needing new shoes, then go for it... just don’t complain about having no money after.

I don’t think I could listen to someone whinge about not affording basic shoes, then smoking and drinking.
She needs a reality check and you were thinking it and said it. At least it’s honest and she may think about her behaviour in future.
If you had not said anything but bitched about her behind her back To others, or came on here to moan about it, id think that was two faced and far worse than being honest.
Good for you.

*basics like school shoes for their kids

That's the thing, @Incywincyteenyweeny the OP could have just come on here and moaned about her friend's spending habits, she would have been accused of being two-faced. At least the OP said what she thought directly to her friend.