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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:

Karigan1 · 10/02/2018 11:51

Lol rude but accurate. I wouldn’t have kept my mouth shut either of someone was whinging they couldn’t buy shoes in one breath then saying they were getting alcohol in the next. Christ supermarket shoes cost the same as two bottles of wine

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BakedBeans47 · 10/02/2018 11:54

Maybe she's waiting for money from cb, maintenance, tax credits etc.
She may have had the money for the cheap cigs and given it to family member way before child needed shoes.
Maybe she's paying family member when they get back and didn't have money for cigs or shoes.

There’s always at least one person who has to dream up some sort of scenario like this when the much more likely situation is that the woman is simply selfish and feckless.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 11:55

Good, she needed to hear that. I hate it, the way we pussyfoot around people not wanting to offend. In your position, I would have done the same thing.

DullAndOld · 10/02/2018 11:56

I agree with Pengwin tbh. If the woman had been splashing the cash on a lunch for her so called 'friends' inc . OP, then OP wouldn't be breathing a word about her profligacy and failure to buy her children the ideal shoes.

Motherhood these days seems to be some sick petty game of one upmanship tbh, (I am a better parent than she is...)and all those on this thread who have chimed in with eg 'selfish cow' are no better.

I am sure this woman's child is wearing shoes fgs, probably just not Clarkes or something.

Elementtree · 10/02/2018 11:57

I meant any 'unnecessary' purchase for the parent can surely raise the same objection, but I suspect the OP wouldn't complain about some things, whereas she would see it as her position to complain about others.

Gotcha. If it makes you feel better, I'm very consistent in my criticisms and would have raised this point too. The op couldn't have known, prior to the lunch, that it was money which should have been spent on shoes.

Florallee · 10/02/2018 11:58

What she spends her money on is her business, but the fact that she whined to OP about not being able to afford shoes, was surely up for discussion? She could afford shoes for her son if she changed her priorities. It's not rocket science.

LynetteScavo · 10/02/2018 11:58

You were a bit rude, and I probably wouldn't have said anything, but you are totally right.

I, to sone extent get that people will spend money on cigarettes above necessities as they're an addiction, but it's when parents get tattoos while complain they can't afford school trips/shoes/coats that I really think they are being damn fools.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2018 12:03

In future the woman should keep things to herself, and yes hello there are crap parents who do have their priorities all wrong. Yes her child is probably wearing shoes, but if they are too small or worn out, that's not good is it! You say you can't afford shoes, and in the same breath you are paying your mate for cigarettes and alcohol, than you expect judgement.

BlurryFace · 10/02/2018 12:07

It depends really on whether the shoes are too small, hurting the kid, leaking etc. If they're just a bit battered looking or uncool then so what, some kids go through shoes like anything.

And I don't find a PP's suggestion that she might have had the money when she paid her relative and now doesn't and is waiting on something to come in particularly preposterous, that is what it's like when you're on a very low income - you get money in, pay what needs paying, get a couple of treats with what's left and if anything goes wrong in the mean time you put it off if you can or beg a loan if it can't.

keepingbees · 10/02/2018 12:10

I probably wouldn't have said so, but I completely agree with you.
The fact she was quiet then left suggests you hit a raw nerve!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 12:12

I’m with you op. I possibly would not have said anything. But I definitely would have thought it. Good on you.

Winebottle · 10/02/2018 12:13

"Put your kids first" ignores the complexities of the world. Every parent is balancing their own needs and their children's within their budget constraint.

Any time you spend anything on yourself you could be said to be putting yourself before your kids. £30 pound on a new dress? That should be going towards your kid's inheritance.

If you didn't have money for something your kids need, I'm sure I could look over your purchases and pick something out you didn't need. The fact it is fags and booze is irrelevant.

Some like to judge other parents based on narrow, contrived tests which they themselves pass. It's tick box parenting. Not smoke. Tick. Go to parent's evening. Tick. Go to sport's day. Tick.

You have picked up on two pieces of insignificant and unrelated information and made an overly simplistic test which you judge based on. You cannot say someone is not putting their kids first based on that. You are focusing to heavily on a single piece of evidence.

PercyPigAddict · 10/02/2018 12:13

I actually think people like that are never told what you said as everyone is too polite, so they think it’s actually fine or don’t even equate the 2 things. It’s important that someone does point out the obvious occasionally. Very brave!

This!

Why does everyone think it's so rude? The woman brought it it into conversation herself, are people not allowed to comment on what their friends say, espeicallly when the friend apparently has a total blind spot about her financial decisions and how they're affecting her child?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 10/02/2018 12:16

it’s not your business but you’re right and I would have thought it too but not said it out loud.

LovingLola · 10/02/2018 12:17

You were not one bit rude and good for you for pointing our her selfish shitty ways.
How anyone could justify a parent spending money on fags and booze when a child needs shoes is beyond me.

BlindLemonAlley · 10/02/2018 12:17

@Reinette There is a Mum at DCs school that has done something similar. At Christmas she ‘treated herself’ to the latest iPhone X on the day but has refused to pay for her DD to go on the Y6 residential trip. Also smokes and goes out every weekend and regularly complains that she cannot afford things for her DD.

She has admitted her DD is desperate to go on the trip and she knows that she is the only one in the class that is not going. In the past the school would help when children could not go due to the cost. However, the school can no longer afford to do this and this Mum is going around saying ‘why should I pay for something the school wants to do’.

BewareOfDragons · 10/02/2018 12:17

Power to you for saying it.

I see all the children all.the.time with school shoes that are too small, falling apart, inappropriate uniform sizes, complain about paying for school trips, etc ... but parents always seem to have money for nights out drinking, smoking, holidays away with their partners while leaving their children with family members. So depressing.

BrimFire · 10/02/2018 12:18

Doesn't everyone moan about the stuff they have to buy though, especially if they don't have a lot of money?
And she was obviously pleased to have saved money getting the booze and fags abroad. There is no context to how long this supply will last her. If she is a raging alcoholic and it's all gone in a week, that's a different senario to a fag a day and a bottle of wine being her only treat.

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 12:18

If she didn't want comments she shouldn't have brought it up!

DullAndOld · 10/02/2018 12:19

^ what winebottle said..
this kind of one sided topic seems to be merely an opportunity for competitive mothers to steam in and cry 'bad mother' ,which they really want to do before someone does it to them.

sinceyouask · 10/02/2018 12:19

I smoke and drink and op, you were absolutely right. It's pathetic to whinge that you can't afford shoes for your dc minutes after talking about the alcohol and baccy you are buying. You can get decent enough school shoes at Asda for less than £15, so if she has money for drink and fags, she has money for shoes.

EfficiencyDeficiency · 10/02/2018 12:20

My dd (almost 7) broke up yesterday for half term. Her shoes went in the bin as there is a hole under the sole and they looked tatty.

She will of course be going back to school in new shoes. They are a priority.

Yesterday i went into town. Had birthday vouchers and bought myself a few extra things.
I didn't feel guilty as I'm forever buying stuff for the dc that they need and more often than not I buy stuff because it's nice but not necessary.

I think the lines become blurred when the parent/s prioritises things like drugs over basic things for their children, such as tights for school, a warm coat etc.

This is my experience with my neighbour. We have been friends for a while but I was not aware of her issues. The dc go without a lot and it really disturbs me.
Their "basic needs" would be classed as being met no doubt but I still find it hard to believe that spending £50 on coke is more important.

Aragog · 10/02/2018 12:23

Really? Well, personally I would be telling her to save the lunch cash and use it to go towards the shoes and I'd buy my own lunch! I wouldn't listen to someone saying they were struggling to pay for school shoes and sit their letting them pay for my food when I can pay for it myself! I'd imagine most people would surely?

Re the poster who says they don't know anyone who would put cigarettes and alcohol before their child's needs - sadly this is the case for some children. There are definitely families out there where a parents want (drugs, alcohol, etc) comes way before a child's need (clothes, food, safe place to live) If only that wasn't the case. Not saying it is the case in this situation but sadly for some children it does happen.

HoneyDragon · 10/02/2018 12:23

She could sell the dogs and booze on and buy her kids shoes. So she can afford them.

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