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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 10/02/2018 13:34

Confused peabodburgundy- them poor babies.

Imverypleasedtomeetyou · 10/02/2018 13:36

YANBU.

It's want vs need.

She wants fags and booze vs her child needs school shoes. If she can't afford both then she has to stop drinking and smoking, both are a lifestyle choice not a necessity. New school shoes are a necessity.

HotelEuphoria · 10/02/2018 13:40

Nah you weren't rude, you told it as it is! - maybe because I'm Yorkshire I think this way Grin

The truth hurts sometimes, maybe she will think about the shoes when she is lighting another fag.

YANBU

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 13:43

It is better to be kind than to be right.

Op doesn't like this woman and found a way to humiliate her. What she said wasn't out of concern for some barefooted child; it came from an altogether different, and really quite ugly, place.

PeapodBurgundy · 10/02/2018 13:43

hungryhippo90 It's awful! But I don't see anything we can do. We always buy them clothing for birthdays/Christmas (the older 2 get a token toy too as they're old enough to be aware and find clothes a disappointing gift). I did make a report to SS about circumstances that were being hidden from them, so they now have a full picture. I think otherwise our hands are tied.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 10/02/2018 13:43

But WeAllHaveWings, if the woman hadn't been in the wrong, there would have been no shame in it. Cheap cigarettes and alcohol from abroad usually doesn't mean one packet of fags and one bottle of wine. It tends to mean significant quantities - and the cost will probably not be far off a pair of school shoes. The woman gave her priorities an unfortunate airing - and perhaps the connection between her spending on cigarettes/booze and the lack of affordability of children's shoes hadn't even occurred to her (AIUI many smokers budget for cigarettes as if for a basic need). What OP did may have been rather graceless, but I can't exactly blame her for it.

Ickyockycocky · 10/02/2018 13:45

If someone is serving their desire for fags and booze before their children's need for shoes and are stupid enough to whine about it in front of others then I think yeah, I'd have struggled not to point that out too

^ this

NotASingleFuckToGive · 10/02/2018 13:46

If I went out drinking and smoking with friends, and left my Dog in discomfort as I "couldn't afford" to get his nails clipped, i'd be judged an unfit owner, selfish for putting my needs above their comfort, and told I shouldn't have a dog.

But it's wrong to judge the parents if it's an actual child? Hmm

Mrsmadevans · 10/02/2018 13:47

OP well done to you ! You are a Star

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 10/02/2018 13:50

I was going to say that children don't need to come first all the time, but school shoes is just the basics.
That's neglectful.

Shockers · 10/02/2018 13:51

‘To either cut down on beer, or the kids’ new gear, is a big decision in a town called malice...’

hungryhippo90 · 10/02/2018 13:52

Peabodburgundy- must be hard for you being in that situation esp if dad just sells the stuff. Are things better since SS got involved?
I know they can often make things not much better before exiting the situation.

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/02/2018 13:53

You don't spend anything on yourself except Christmas and Birthdays?

Happy birthday for yesterday.

PeapodBurgundy · 10/02/2018 13:58

hungryhippo90 they've been involved since before the two youngest were born. Nothing is going to improve for those children being realistic. As far as SS can categorically prove, the children are being cared for enough that removal isn't an option. The family don't cooperate with SS, and see no need to change the way they live their lives. DP is the white sheep of the family. The rest of them don't seem to think there's an awful lot wrong, whereas we're deeply concerned.

Brighteyes27 · 10/02/2018 14:02

‘I don't think kids should always come first but I do think shoes that fit come before cigs and alcohol.

You were rude but right’.

This.

I have a work colleague who is forever contradicting herself she brags about how frugal she is and how she has brought her children up right and properly as they are not into labels and how they wear cast offs and she and they wear vintage and charity clothing. She is often scathing of people who don’t opt for charity and 2nd hand clothing.

Then she lets slip she has paid x for a holiday, her and her DH went to x an expensive place for a meal and drinks, th y stayed in x an expensive hotel and bought x for herself in Anthrologie and some expensive make up, perfume etc. But can’t afford x for her two D.C.

I know people sometimes have different priorities but I don’t think she can decide whether she wants to be frugal or a bragger and she forgets what impression she wants to give off and what she has already said to whom.

hungryhippo90 · 10/02/2018 14:03

Peabodandburgundy- that’s really sad. I can understand it, but god it’s sad. Please show them normal lives as much as you can, hopefully you and DH and your kids will act as inspiration for them as they grow into adults to break the cycle. Flowers it must be awful to know what’s going on and all the while just not bad enough for anything to really change.

expatmigrant · 10/02/2018 14:05

Good on you OP. There's way too much pussyfooting around crap parents. I would have done the same.

SundaysFunday · 10/02/2018 14:11

I don't think OP was rude.

When the woman complained to OP about having no money for school shoes and then informed her about spending money on alcohol and cigarettes then she opened herself up to criticism.

XmasInTintagel · 10/02/2018 14:15

If this woman felt it was a conversation to be had whilst around the whole friendship group she should accept what people’s opinions are.
This ^.
If she doesn't even have the understanding to know that her priorities are a bit controversial, IMO she could do with someone pointing it out to her. Maybe it WILL make her pause and think.

Most people would spend the money on the kids shoes, or at least keep pretty quiet about their bargain booze spending!

VelvetSpoon · 10/02/2018 14:18

I think children should come first to an extent. Certainly they should have clothes and shoes that are clean, warm and dry, and fit properly. But imo it doesn't matter if the clothes are bought new or from a charity shop. Or the shoes are from Tescos or Clarks.

My parents spent every penny on me, neither had any new clothes for 5 years when I was growing up so they could buy me Clarks shoes and beautiful outfits. I think my spending has been more balanced but whilst I've dressed my sons from supermarkets and Primark everything has always been replaced when needed.

It reminds me of my neighbours kids when I was little. They never had new clothes, only 1 pair of shoes each (so they had to wear school shoes to play out in the street) and dinner was normally egg on toast (1 egg, 1 slice of bread). Yes they didn't have much money, but the parents spent it on booze, luxury food (which the kids never got) and a fancy car. I would definitely judge in that situation as I would in the one the OP describes.

You spend your money how you want. But you can't complain about having no money for essentials like shoes when you're wasting it on luxuries.

Tistheseason17 · 10/02/2018 14:19

I could hear myself saying this in my head but not necessarily out loud!

TBH - if she's not your close friend then it's no loss and maybe, just maybe (I doubt it!), she will consider that you have made valid point!

imamum21 · 10/02/2018 14:20

i know someone who has 7 kids and drinks every few days and smokes, she complains every christmas she cant afford to buy them anything this person also gets disability money for one of her children she also doesnt work, she never seems to have any gas or electric and one child got 16 bags of space raider crisps for his birthday, the kids dont get to go school trips as she cant afford it but i would never say anything to her as its none of my business how she spends her money, i have mentioned things like you should start christmas shopping throughout the year you will get some great bargains (like make up sets etc) i do it myself to be more organised. i often think to myself though there is loads of people out there who do the same but they wont change! the child benefit and tax credit money would surely cover it, (i know not everyone is entitled) but sometimes its best not to say anything

MuseumOfCurry · 10/02/2018 14:24

You were right, of course.

All the right-on Guardian readers are indignant, of course.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 14:29

All of my friends will tell you I’m the quiet reserved one usually, I don’t even know what came over me. Although I’m not sorry for what I said, I’m sorry In which manner it was said. Although I wasn’t quite as rude as some people are insinuating 🤔 my other 2 friends that were with us said that was totally out of charActer by they didn’t disagree. I probably wouldn’t have said anything had she not moaned about similar stuff every time weve met for the last 2 years. Yes the tagging on relates solely to me as I’m the least close to her out of the the other 2. She’s not my type of person I like to associate with, we do have a laugh when she’s not complaining about something or other.
Last summer we were at the park and she asked I didn’t buy my children ice cream because she didn’t have any money to buy hers some, I offered to buy her children and did buy them an ice cream each. I was a bit put out, but I got over it ....until she decided she needed to leave to meet her dealer to score some weed. Needless to say I was pretty pissed off. I try to stay out of peoples business, I really don’t know what came over me, but I’m certainly not self righteous. I wondering if some of these people who are heavily objecting my point so the same as my “friend” and maybe I’ve hit a nerve 😊

OP posts: