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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
headinhands · 13/02/2018 09:35

I'm guessing she meant they were a bit worn. Not that he was going to school barefoot. Op would you be happy for people to openly judge you on what they think they do better than you? Because there will be people around you who are judging you how you are judging this lady.

Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 09:38

All OPs comments achieved were to make OP feel self righteous and pleased with herself. The comments would do nothing to change the woman whatsoever.
When that is the outcome you are best keeping your mouth shut in public or try to be a friend so you can encourage the woman to see her priorities may be wrong. It's one thing for a genuine close friend to be blunt but totally different when someone who knows nothing real about your life to attack you in front of others.
No one would agree the woman should buy cigs and booze at the expense of her kids shoes but for God's sake stop being so bloody judgemental. It helps no one.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 09:42

Total eyerolls here we go again. She decided to start the conversation in front of her friends in the first place. Op did not just go up and say, "friend you are shit mother". What op has said is spot on. Posters on here who have been kids in the friends situTion would have loved somebody to speak up. It was just swept under the carpet, or pussyfoot end around in fear of offending.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/02/2018 09:44

If stating the bleeding obvious worked....we wouldn't have any problems nor any need for social services

Sometimes people need it spelling out in words. I have sat round too many tables listening to people moan about their life. When simple solutions or a pointing out of what will happen if they keep on pursuing something will occur.

Maybe SS wouldn't be so overloaded if people just gave their friends a verbal shake up when they see their friends struggling because of their own actions.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 09:44

The friend has a form for this, op has kept quiet in the passed, I guess she need to hear it.

Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 10:01

Maybe SS wouldn't be so overloaded if people just gave their friends a verbal shake up when they see their friends struggling because of their own actions
OP isn't her 'friend' She said herself she is not 'her sort'
You seriously think having someone having a go at you in public is going to make a difference?
This wasn't a genuine friend dishing out tough love. It was someone taking the opportunity to humiliate someone.
Motive is important...and the motive here was selfish.
OPs ignorant attack can make a situation worse. Social services probably pick up the pieces after do gooders wade in and dish out their 'solution'

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 15:45

Who cares who it was, op was spot on. She invited the comments by brining the subject up ffs!

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 13/02/2018 16:12

I will never call social service unless it’s absolutley neccassary like if I know for a fact a child is being abused. I hate how social service wade into people’s lives when half the time they have all their information wrong.
My little brother fell over one day just because he was 3 and just had to run everywhere. So leaving the park and he smashed his head on the floor. When my dad and step Mum took him to hpthe hospital they got fpgrilled individually basically they were trying to say he was abused. They got threatened with social service and they’ve never so much as raised thier voices at my brothers and sister. It’s just a little change she needs to make

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 16:47

I totally agree it's not necessary to call SS over this issue because it's minor.....and neither was your having a go at her the way you did.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 17:13

Gotta she did not have ago fgs, she pointed out that friend would have money for shoes, if she did not spend it on booze and fags., very obvious to most people.

headinhands · 13/02/2018 17:28

I hate how social service wade into people’s lives when half the time they have all their information wrong.

I feel the opposite. The funding is so poor that SS can't be involved with everyone who needs it. The bar is so low before SS to be able to justify input and 'wade in' as you so revealingly put it.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 13/02/2018 17:35

@headinhands
Well maybe they should focus more of thier attention where it’s needed i know of some people who are far from needing ss intervention yet they f**k up people’s lives anyway because they think they know everything. I understand they’ve been neglectful of certain cases... exactly why they need to focus on people that need it.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 17:37

Gotta she did not have ago fgs, she pointed out that friend would have money for shoes, if she did not spend it on booze and fags., very obvious to most people

She is not a friend..The woman isn't 'the sort' OP likes...
She didn't 'point it out' She was pissed off...and that...is having a go!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 22:05

Gotta she probably sounded annoyed as she was pissed off, different to having a go.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/02/2018 10:40

So are her children running around barefoot? I have said I can’t afford things doesn’t mean I won’t buy them it just means I have no safety net left over or I let a bill slide until the next week, but we get by. You deliberately humiliated someone you don’t even like, to make yourself feel good. That is apparent from your posts. I don’t drink but my partner smokes tobacco. We still struggle at times but my kids don’t go without. Doesn’t mean I can’t complain about not being able to afford much. Usually when people say they can’t afford something it means they are taking from something else or it will leave them without a penny until the next pay day. Your friends clearly like this woman and you don’t, so I’d say you should be the one to remove yourself instead of getting angry and annoyed by her. You do come across as smug.

HeartOfSass · 14/02/2018 13:58

Quack - it doesn't look good for the mum to be saying she has no money for new shoes for the DCs whilst spending money on cigarettes and alcohol in the same conversation.

If the mum had only talked about getting her duty free, and the OP said "that's money you could be spending on DCs" then that might be seen as sticking nose in etc. But the mum said herself she has no money for new shoes for the kids then talked about her duty free.

Can't see how OP is deliberately humiliating her. I think it's more making her think about her choices and priorities. I've been pulled up by a friend in the past over something (not money or kids related) and although I can't say it made me feel good to hear it, I realised she had a point on even though she was stepping out of the usual enabling things friends say to each other whilst thinking totally the opposite. She was right and I must say I couldn't really seen it myself. Sometimes it takes someone else to tell you straight, to help you see where you've gone wrong.

OP was honest with her friend and on balance what she said is probably worth more to those DCs than it took from the friend's feelings IYSWIM.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/02/2018 14:04

Oh fgs, the poor woman was just moaning about the fact she's skint, I'm sure she had no intention of making her kid wear shoes that are too small. I'm a single parent, get no help from ex or anyone else and I moan sometimes when DS needs stuff and say I haven't got any money (and I haven't) but I still buy him what he needs and I still buy myself vodka. Jeez, can't anyone have a moan anymore without it being taken
literally.

As for the "she only has 2 children" comment....wtf....are only people with 1 kid allowed to moan. Phew, I can carry on whinging then.

HeartOfSass · 14/02/2018 14:51

Betty there are plenty of parents in the world who would definitely have their dcs go without to be able to spend that money on fags and booze. She might have been having a moan, but equally she might just not be arsed to buy new shoes if it meant going without her personal luxuries. We don’t know. Op was/is better placed to make that call.

alpineibex · 14/02/2018 15:07

I have a family member who will get 50g abroad and sell it to me for £5. Not really enough to buy a new pair of school shoes with.

alpineibex · 14/02/2018 15:07

Of tobacco... not drugs or anything Grin

Gottagetmoving · 14/02/2018 15:18

Just because she asked someone to get her some cheap cigs from abroad doesn't mean she is paying for it immediately.
Just because she said she can't afford school shoes doesn't mean 'ever' or that she has no intention of getting them.
Buying the cigs may not be INSTEAD' of the bloody shoes!

Too many on here have taken OPs version of this and made lots of assumptions. They also keep calling OP the woman's friend. She isn't her friend. OP finds her annoying and thinks she has latched on to her group.
People are so keen to judge someone because they see the words booze and fags and don't really care that they know nothing more about someone's life.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 15:26

This was not just a one off, the woman has a form for this, and op quite rightly had enough. I would, if I kept hearing somebody moan that they had no money for necessities, and kept buying luxuries instead. Add to that, I had to help them in the past.

honkersbonkers · 14/02/2018 15:40

Absolutely none of your business and very rude. You don't know the context, background or anything else. Maybe if you found it disagreeable you could ask her some further questions so you could understand her situation? She might be feeling very guilty about the situation and lacking the support to find a solution. You've probably really upset her. It was very judgemental and apology would be wise.

not2impressed · 14/02/2018 15:44

I know someone who used to get £40 child support on a Friday, be down the pub Friday and Saturday night (every week) then text child's father on a Monday saying she couldn't afford shoes/clothes for the child.
I totally understand how it annoyed you and she needed telling 🤷

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 16:10

honkers tge woman made it others business, when put it out tgere in the public realm. It's the kids of parents like this, plenty of examples on here, they don't get a choice how to spend their CB money, the parents do, and sometimes put their need for luxuries over a child's need for food and clothes. It's called neglect!,,