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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/02/2018 15:14

Gottagetmoving I agree completely. I complain about being skint, but my kids get what they need and then some. I never have money left over and I don’t drink or smoke but I like a takeaway, guess parents aren’t allowed anything nice, ever.

Mine and others questions still haven’t been answered though. Are the children running around in bare feet or in pain? If the answer is no then why the fuck are you being a dick? Maybe they are starting to wear a bit and that means she needs to buy some soon. Much easier to assume she is abusive and neglectful though. Stop hanging out with someone you clearly dislike.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 15/02/2018 15:21

@quackporridgebacon
The point of my unnecessary outburst - no shouting. Was that she was complaining about having no money in one breath and then in another said she couldn’t afford the shoes. Which is why I said she should stop smoking and drinking to buy the school shoes she mentioned they needed. I am not being a dick...generally not answering the question because it is relevant to the original point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 15/02/2018 15:22
  • and in another breath mentioned how she was buying alcohol and cigarettes for herself.
OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/02/2018 15:25

It is relevant though... complaint you are skint and the children will need new shoes doesn’t equate to their shoes falling apart or being too small. They could just have wear and tear and need new ones before they fall apart. Complaining of no money doesn’t necessarily mean zero pounds and pence, it means nothing left over as a just in case or no money for anything other than basics. You can pay for something and have the money to do so without being able to afford it.

I also never mentioned shouting, unnecessary to make it known to me that you didn’t...

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/02/2018 15:26

Had she already handed the cash over? Or is she planning on handing it over at a later date? That would make things very different. Why shouldn’t she smoke or drink? Why shouldn’t she buy the drink and cigs? Doesn’t mean her kids will go without. You say your kids are friendly with eachother, do they look neglected and dirty with torn/too small clothing?

Boatsonthewater · 15/02/2018 15:33

You were right but maybe should have stayed silent.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 15/02/2018 15:51

I’m not sure how many times I need to explain... let’s just agree to disagree....
yes the children clothes always seem a bit small. I’m not sure about the trainers as the ones her son have are a pair I gave to her as my son grew out his pretty quickly and had only worn them a few times. I’m not sure about the school shoes. She can buy all the stuff she wants Just don’t complain about the lack of money you have after but never tries to make a change to fix it.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/02/2018 15:57

I suspect the complaints were so that people would offer her second hand shoes.
Clearly miscalculated, as people (in this case the OP) pointed out how else she was spending her money on instead of offering second hand shoes.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/02/2018 16:38

Fair enough then. If the clothes always seem small then maybe she should cut back on other things whilst buying them something decent to wear.

Gottagetmoving · 15/02/2018 16:49

I suspect the complaints were so that people would offer her second hand shoes

WTAF??! If she mentions she can't afford some shoes she is hinting for second hand shoes from the other mums?

Bloody hell, I hope my friends aren't as nasty minded as you are when I've moaned about being skint.

Lweji · 15/02/2018 16:50

No, not normal friends. In this case, it would cross my mind, yes.

Lweji · 15/02/2018 17:00

In fact, I had that exact conversation with a friend this morning. It never crossed my mind that she'd want me to give her handouts or lend her money.
She has asked in the past when she really needed it, and she was proud enough to pay it back as soon as she could.

Marysirish · 17/02/2018 07:52

You might of been rude but your right, she can moan about not having money for shoe's but she can buy fags and alcohol, this happens a lot, no money for food or clothes or shoe's but they do have money for fags and alcohol and even goes and gets a loan of people so they can buy their alcohol.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 17/02/2018 08:00

The alcohol, yes, but it's not so easy to just give up smoking, and I say that as someone who's never smoked. I certainly wouldn't be spending a fortune on duty free if my DC needed new school shoes.

biscuiteater · 17/02/2018 08:57

What a selfish mother, feel so sad for her kids having to go without basic necessities.

Gottagetmoving · 17/02/2018 09:09

What a selfish mother, feel so sad for her kids having to go without basic necessities

Where do you get that from?
You think they have no food? No roof over their head? No heating? No love?.... You don't even know they have no shoes...The woman said she couldn't afford school shoes. She didn't say never.
There is nothing to suggest those children don't have basic necessities.
This is what's wrong with posters on moments. They don't stick to facts. They assume things from something they read and make stuff up.
Grow up#

Gottagetmoving · 17/02/2018 09:09

Mumsnet...not momrnts#

iBiscuit · 17/02/2018 11:08

Gottagetmoving Mumsnet at the moment would be apt. I swear the comprehension skills of the average MNer have taken a massive nosedive

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2018 17:29

What iBiscuit, because most of us disagree with your point of view!

iBiscuit · 17/02/2018 17:55

I don't include you in this at all, Aero because you've clearly read the OP's posts. But others have just jumped on the bandwagon of righteousness.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/02/2018 19:52

I agree with Gottagetmoving. A lot of people have just assumed this woman is scum and are trying their best to lick the Op’s arse clean. If it’s such a concern I’d ring social. It mustn’t be to just complain on here but a lot of people commenting just have it in for someone they don’t actually know.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2018 09:46

Yes I have, op has said that she helped this woman in the past, and that she has witnessed her making poor decisions with her money when it came to her kids, this was the icing on the cake. My sadness or sympathies lie with the posters on here who were those kids, being neglected because of the poor decisions their parents made, and wishing somebody would have spoken up like op about it. They are children they cannot make the decisions, the adults in their lives can.

Lweji · 18/02/2018 10:03

If it’s such a concern I’d ring social.

Surely there's no need to go from "you should prioritise your children's shoes over drink" to "calling SS".

There's no evidence this woman is drinking to a stupor while in charge of her children.

However, I don't think we should just shut up when there's an obvious solution to "I can't afford shoes for the children". I do think it's fair to say that if you have to choose between paying for people to bring you booze or pay for children shoes, that you should be choosing shoes.

moonmaker · 18/02/2018 14:23

What you said was fine. I don't get people who say things like 'well it's nothing to do with you '. Do these people never ever comment on an aspect of another persons life that the said person is openly sharing? She made it your business when she told you . You've hardly called social services ffs.

Twocatsonebaby · 18/02/2018 14:37

Whilst I really do agree with you, you can't tell someone how to live their life.
There's a girl I knew from school and I have her on Facebook still, she has a beautiful 4 year old and she's bragging about spending X amount on nails and a spray tan and then she can't afford cupboard food the next moment in her next status for her dd and she's pleading poverty. PISSES ME OFF.
I don't have a lot. The last time I bought something for myself was before my daughters pregnancy. Partly as I didn't see the point in buying clothes as they wouldn't fit for long but then life takes over, bills etc.
Whatever I have left goes on dd in a heartbeat. She always needs new onesies etc. I love to spend money to take her out and experience things. Like even on a bus to see the ducks etc. I don't think YABU personally. But to her, you may have been. Unfortunately some parents think about themselves more than their kids