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Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 16:19

slams head against wall several times at the fact people don’t read all the info. So people can understand.
I DIDNT SHOUT AT HER, SCREAM AT HER, YELL AT HER I SIMPLY JUST MADE A REMARK ABOUT WHAT I WAS THINKING. NO RAISED VOICES.
SIMPLY GAVE MY OPINION ON A SUBJECT SHE BROUGHT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I’ve already said I could have handled it better. Or at least not said anything especially in front of others but as I said
IT JUST CAME OUT AND I DONT KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME. IM NOT USUALLY LIKE THAT. it was a moment of weakness on my part. I AM NOT SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID SIMPLY FOR HOW IT WAS PUT ACROSS. I KNOW SHE NEVER SAID SHE WASNT BUYING THE SHOES BUT SHE NEVER SAID SHE WAS EITHER.
Hope those who are selective readers don’t miss the details 😊

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 14/02/2018 16:42

No one said you shouted or screamed.
You didn't give an opinion you gave a judgement.

Things don't just 'come out' Your already formed judgement of her was there.
You made assumptions that she was buying cigs instead of shoes.
I have read everything you have said in detail. Not selective reading. You however, are not taking on board any points raised that criticise your actions.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/02/2018 18:05

HeartOfSass I would presume that to get the fury free cigs and booze she would have already handed the money over, then after would have seen the child needs new shoes... that’s how I would have took it. The point is, are the children running around in pain or bear foot? Because if not they can hold out until pay day and then I’m sure the mother will buy them some shoes. That’s what I would do. And maybe she budgeted to be out with the group of friends and knows the shoes can wait a few days. Kids complain about shoes whilst not needing new straight away. I don’t really know enough I guess to really say if the Op was right or not but she definitely does come across as smug and definitely doesn’t like the woman.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/02/2018 18:10

Duty bare

honkersbonkers · 14/02/2018 18:42

Without labouring the point you don't need to scream at someone to be rude. You assumed the absolute worst about your friend, and then vocalised that in front of everyone. I used to smoke, that didn't take away my right to moan about how expensive kids shoes are. The 2 are not related.

And yes it does sound like you feel bad about the exchange and if you are looking to feel better about it, you could just apologise. You never know, you might end up having a really good talk about it.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 19:58

@honkersbonkers
I did apologise for my behaviour not what I said though as I stand by my point. I’ve decided it’s best I stay away from her and have discussed with my other friends that if the wish to meet with her I will not attend as I don’t want to cause anymore tension so I will meet with them separately. They understand. Like I ssaid she was more friends with the others than me.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 14/02/2018 20:24

It IS best you stay away from her.
You may find you see little of the other two now.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 20:29

@gottagetmoving
Hardly we are meeting tomorrow and have a trip to the cinema next week.
Not sure what made you think that...

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 14/02/2018 20:42

Well, wait and see... Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 21:32

sophisticated, if she is not your type, why the hell are you meeting regularly with her, strange🤔

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 21:45

@aeroflotgirl
Yeah she’s not my type but like I said in previous posts she’s more friends with my other 2 friends more with one than the other. Hence me saying she tags along. Don’t get me wrong we do have a laugh when she’s not complaining about something or other. Our kids also get on, very well actually.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/02/2018 21:47

sophisticated, if she is not your type, why the hell are you meeting regularly with her, strange🤔

Exactly.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/02/2018 21:48

But some people just complain. To be honest your details are a bit lacking so I’m presuming she just complains like most people which shouldn’t be an issue and if it is, why not just stop hanging around with her?

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2018 22:07

It seems like you do like her, if she really was not yiur type, you woukd meet up with the others separately, and try to avoid her.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 14/02/2018 22:17

I’m gonna do that from now on. Although I hate it may have an impact on the kids 😒

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/02/2018 07:23

You could be more indirect.
Ask her if she's going to buy the children stuff and how, of she complains again.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2018 09:41

They will make other friends, and meet others op.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/02/2018 09:55

I grew up listening to my parents say that people who smoke and drink are "taking food from their children's mouths"
And they lived by that too.
I don't remember them buying so much as an icecream or a coffee for themselves my whole childhood. I don't remember eithr of them ever having new clothes. I do remember making my Dad a cup of tea by reusing the old tea leaves and not realising until adulthood that that isn't how tea is usually made.
Even at the time though- I knew that the smoking and drinking comments were unreasonable.
It would mean that adults have to forego any kind of release or fun until the kids are grown. This isn't realistic for the majority of people I would think.
It's funny because I actually do have the money to spend on myself a little and not have my kids go without. In fact, if I only spent on them and not me they would be ridiculously spoiled. But I still feel funny about getting anything but the bear minimum.
Me and DH once had a blazing row on holiday because he bought alcohol when we could have cut back and afforded entry to a theme park. DH was brought up with the idea that adults drink everyday-or it isn't a proper holiday and had no idea why I was upset!

IdrisPtolemy · 15/02/2018 09:59

You were rude but I agree with you

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 15/02/2018 12:12

I have no issue with people drinking and smoking but only if you can afford to do so or don’t complain about having no money.

OP posts:
unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/02/2018 12:21

Yeah, having read the whole thread, I think you ate probably at the more laid back end of things, OP.
I think the example you gave of the guy who was able to cut back on weed to save for something for his kids was a good one. That's the difference between pleasurable habit and an addiction isn't it? Whether you can prioritise something else if need be.

Lweji · 15/02/2018 12:27

To be fair, if people really are addicted, the addiction probably prevails over their children. Which is sad.

But I don't think it's a bad thing to point out to them how their addiction affects their children.

DottyDotts · 15/02/2018 13:02

I agree with what you think but to tell someone this usually means the end of the friendship no matter how sensitively done.

ilovegin112 · 15/02/2018 13:58

I’m always complaining to my friends how much my son costs and that I’m skint but I still have gin now and again fgs isn’t that what people do with their friends (or so this woman thought)

Mind you my friends are nice and not judgemental, I hate hate cliques like this it reminds me of school with the simpering put downs

Plus I could be very judgemental with the fact it’s all right for male friend of your being a druggy but she smokes and you can’t stand her a looks down on her, what queer principles you have

Gottagetmoving · 15/02/2018 14:21

I have no issue with people drinking and smoking but only if you can afford to do so or don’t complain about having no money
People do lots of unnecessary things and complain they have no money. People also buy stuff they dont really need on credit cards and complain they have no money.
Should we really analyse the spending of anyone who moans about being skint?
As I said previously, it's one thing to make comments to someone close, in private, but quite another to criticise someone who isn't really even your friend in front of others.
It's not brave, it's mean.

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