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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 12/02/2018 18:45

I think the general consensus on here is that these 'people' are the scum of the earth and should be cast out until they pull themselves together to meet the approval standards of a bunch of people who have no interest in knowing anything about their past or whether they have MH issues or may need help.
Far better to publicly humiliate them in the hope they will 'come to their senses'
It's very sad.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/02/2018 18:55

or whether they have MH issues or may need help.

MN bingo.

How are they being publicly humiliated when we have no idea who they are?

Gottagetmoving · 12/02/2018 19:12

How are they being publicly humiliated when we have no idea who they are?
What??! People are applauding OP for public humiliating the woman. Fair to assume they approve of the same thing for anyone like her.

Lweji · 12/02/2018 19:33

It was in a group of friends, and I don't think it's particularly helpful to enable poor choices such as drink over children's shoes. Among friends we shouldn't just agree, sometimes we should be honest.
Public humiliation is not the same thing.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/02/2018 20:04

She publicly humiliated herself.

Of course, if you have no sense of personal accountability than it's easy to see how you'd see it otherwise.

iBiscuit · 12/02/2018 20:46

I'd hope that most decent people would be fucking mortified to know they'd humiliated someone in front of their friends, even if they believed that this someone was in the wrong.

Of course, if you have no sense of personal accountability than it's easy to see how you'd see it otherwise.

greendale17 · 12/02/2018 20:48

YANBU people’s priorities are different but providing your kids with food, clothes and shoes should come top of the list for any parent.

^I agree

EfficiencyDeficiency · 12/02/2018 20:49

Jeez this is pathetic now. We all know it's wrong to neglect the needs of children.

I have MH issues. My dd is getting new school shoes over half term as previously posted. She needs them.

If a parent cannot realise that school shoes should come before cigs and alcohol then it's not necessarily due to MH issues, it's due to being a crappy parent.

Gottagetmoving · 12/02/2018 21:01

She publicly humiliated herself

No she did not.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/02/2018 21:04

Biscuit, personal accountability doesn't demand that we not point out glaring inconsistencies, it demands that we meet our children's basic needs above alcohol and cigarettes.

I'd have thought that was obvious.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2018 21:15

ibiscuit she invited comments by talking about it. It's not like op went up to her and said "hey friend, stop pissing yiur money up the wall and then you can afford school shoes for yiur child. My only sympathies are with those chikdren who go without, because their parents have made bad choices. Children like the op friends, and posters on here who were let down in a similar way by their parents, who wished somebody had spoken up!

iBiscuit · 12/02/2018 21:16

Like I said upthread, if OP had been acting out of genuine concern, she'd have handled this differently.

Op admitted that she could have broached this in a more humane way, but doesn't give a shiny shit that she didn't.

She acted spitefully, and is relishing in it.

HollysWilloboobies · 12/02/2018 21:16

Haven't RTFT so sorry if I've missed anything other than OP's first 2 posts but...
High five OP!! I wish I had balls as big as yours. Good on you Wine

Gottagetmoving · 12/02/2018 21:18

it demands that we meet our children's basic needs above alcohol and cigarettes

The woman in question said she didn't have money for school shoes. She did not say the child would never be getting school shoes...just that she had no money.
The woman had asked someone to bring her some cheap cigarettes from abroad.
There is no indication her children are not getting their basic needs.
If OP was so bothered, and those children are suffering then rather than humiliate the woman, OP should alert social services, then at least the woman would get some advice and support from trained people who actually care, rather than have some snidey remarks from someone who sees themselves as a 'better parent'

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2018 21:22

I hope it's given that friend food for thought. Op has bailed her out in the past, has listened to her whilst she made bad choices, the water just boiled over. Our sympathy is misplaced ibiscuit, I feel sorry for the kids.

Sad wisteria, how awful.

owlalwaysloveyou · 13/02/2018 00:32

I can't understand the idea of it not being OP business. Children not being provided with appropriate clothing is classed as physical neglect. Since when did protecting the feelings of a parent outweigh the potential of improving a child's life? Other adults are far too often scared of offending someone by suggesting that someone else's parenting could be improved instead of being pro active in trying to help a child who are unable to help themselves. As an adult who suffered abuse and neglect as a child I can give you a list of adults looking back who must have recognised issues and done nothing. If this is what this woman is saying to casual friends then it is unfortunately likely there is a much less desirable side to her parenting style she won't discuss so freely. OP I think you were right to challenge this woman. Perhaps it will make a slight change for the better in these children's lives. It sounds like this has been playing on your mind for a while after witnessing previous similar behaviour so it's likely felt overdue to confront her!

OhBeggerItsMorning · 13/02/2018 03:52

YANU op.

A friend's phone broke on them recently, they were moaning it wasn't working properly and I felt they were being a bit entitled in the way they were expecting an uncle to lend them one (to use as a sat nav to get to a job interview), but they couldn't lend them it. Could have used a map and written out own instructions but they wouldn't even with my help, or I would have used our internet to print out a route - they had other options, but wanted a phone! I suggested having mobile looked at in nearby mobile phone repair shop in case it was cheap to repair - 2 in the town, or buying a cheap one from local supermarket until they could afford a 'better' replacement. I remembered our sat nav was in a kitchen drawer so loaned them that for directions. (Their mobile had completely gone off by then.)

Towards end of week they had money coming in so ordered a phone, on Friday morning they were complaining to me that they had to pay (a small contribution) for school swimming lesson for their dd, saying it's voluntary (when I was at school if my mum didn't have swimming money I had to sit and watch, think that is the way with our school now). They were complaining that they didn't have enough money for food, rent, council tax etc etc but were expected to pay £2.50 for swimming, that they might need to go to the food bank this month. (I was going to offer to pay for their dds swimming, but they'd already paid it)

I felt sorry for them and was trying to work out how to help until the following day I realised that they had basically prioritised buying a (more expensive then needed) mobile over food for them and their dd! (They also work and have recently started using their car to get to work, do shopping etc. where they previously walked - it's not far, I walk the same distance) so they are prioritising fuel over food too.

I am sympathetic to the fact they are skint (we are too, fully understand), I also know the desire to have nice things, but it is not always possible to have what we want. What I can't understand is when people prioritise the unnecessary items over the items that it is blatantly obvious should be higher priority eg food. Yes, £2.50 can buy bread, milk, pasta etc. so they could have done without paying for swimming lesson, but repairing old mobile\buying cheaper replacement could have saved in the region of £60 to £80, could have done a weeks food shopping with this and maybe had a little treat over the half term holiday too.

Yes, I am not perfect and sometimes regret buying certain unnecessary items, but I tend to try to prioritise food\shoes\uniform etc. over a bottle of vodka and eating out. To me, some people need to reevaluate what's most important. (Sorry if I'm being judgemental, if friend wasn't moaning about it and just accepted they'd made a mistake and tried to live with their decision rather than moaning to me, moaning about paying for swimming and thinking they were justified in buying a more expensive mobile I wouldn't be being as judgemental.)

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 07:56

Exactly, she chose the moment in front of her friends. So op gave her a perfectly reasonable solution to her problem. I hate all this pussyfooting around people who make bad choices constantly at the detriment of their child.

MuseumOfCurry · 13/02/2018 08:21

If OP was so bothered, and those children are suffering then rather than humiliate the woman, OP should alert social services, then at least the woman would get some advice and support from trained people who actually care, rather than have some snidey remarks from someone who sees themselves as a 'better parent'

So much better that we should refer people to social services than just point out that they might prioritise better.

Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 08:59

So much better that we should refer people to social services than just point out that they might prioritise better

OP was disgusted...she said she had heard the woman moan many times but believes she is spending her money on weed and booze and cigs.
If this woman is so bad...do you think OP having a go at her would suddenly wake the woman up and think 'ooh,...I must change my ways' ??!
OP more or less agreed with the woman that she doesn't mention money again and in return OP won't show her up again. So that's helping is it?
OP is not concerned about those children...she just likes to be outraged and not have to listen to the woman complaining and get validation for her outrage on here.
Social services are there to protect children and to support people with problems. Alerting them is far better than ignorant outrage, which helps no one.

Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 09:13

BTW I'm not suggesting this woman needs social services. My comments were based on OPs account of the situation being as awful as she portrays.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 09:19

So much better to state the bleeding obvious to her, than call SS, they are already over stretched and overworked.

Gottagetmoving · 13/02/2018 09:26

So much better to state the bleeding obvious to her, than call SS, they are already over stretched and overworked

If stating the bleeding obvious worked....we wouldn't have any problems nor any need for social services...
Waste if time training people to help anyone when all that's needed is public humiliation?
While we are at it...let's bring back the stocks.

Oblomov18 · 13/02/2018 09:30

'children shouldn't always come first'
I really object to this aswell.
(Admittedly booze and fags is a poor example, in this case, but generally ....)

I agree with a pp: NotAnotherEmma :
"I don't think kids should always come first, I think that misguided belief is a big factor in how high the divorce rate is."

I don't like the current style of parenting, where kids come first.

No, there are 4 members of our family: Dh, Me, ds1, ds2.
All our needs are equally as valid as eachothers. I don't prioritise Ds1 over Dh. I take ALL our needs into consideration.

This is what has led to this era of child rearing, where children are entitled and unappreciative, and martyr mums run around like headless chickens, taking Farquin to his 5 clubs per week.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 13/02/2018 09:33

I’m with you op! I wish I had the balls to say stuff like that. I’m all for adults doing their own thing but not at the expense of their kids. My husband had a childhood like that and it really has an impact.

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