To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

[Notcoolmum]

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

[perfectstorm]

But keeping communication open and explaining your thinking - that you want to be sure she has her own space, emotionally and physically - is also essential. I don't think making this a punishment will help there. I'd just talk through how much she's already dealt with, and that time and space to herself sometimes is important. You don't want her to just stop talking to you.

[user1493282396]

Whether we like it or not our teens have sex, sometimes with many partners. I used to let my daughters boyfriends (2 or 3 during her teens) as I preferred to know she was under my roof and safe. I didn’t like it, but felt it best. Different strokes for different folks though.
Personally I think your rule of one year is a bit odd as she is having sex with him anyway.

[Leapfrog44]

I'd let them sleep in the same room at that age (I think..) but disobeying your rules is not on and for that he'd be banned.

[MsSquiz]

@Jessikita the rule isn't pointless. As a mum you cannot forbid your teenager to have sex (well, you can try) but you can do your best to put rules in place that basically say "while I know you're having sex, I am not happy about it and as such, you won't share a bed under my roof"

No parent can enforce a ban on their teenager having sex and if they were to try, I would expect the teen to shut down on communication with their parents because they know they will just be "told off"

[jessebuni]

At 16 my parents didn’t let my BF of 2 years stay over. (We also lives 12 miles apart) When he was 18 they did because I was also paying rent etc. I’m approaching the teenage territory with my eldest now and I have to agree that sex or not I wouldn’t let them sleep in the same room at 16. I think you’re also being more than generous with the time restriction. My parents basically said 9pm weekdays 10.30pm fridays And saturdays boyfriend had to be gone. Since they have now broken the rules you either have to sanction them now by saying he can’t stay for X number of weeks. Or if you feel it’s too late for that then I would say that next time they don’t follow your rules he has to leave at night and not stay at all.

[Mermaid67]

The fact is if they are sleeping together that's their choice but what goes on in your house is YOUR choice.

[Jessikita]

@Mrsquiz I disagree I think it is pointless. It doesn’t achieve anything. But we will have to agree to disagree!

[Sennelier1]

This boy's parents also have a responsability. If you're not comfortable with him spending the night (because he doesn't keep to the house-rules), it would be normal for him to go home at bedtime. He could take a bus or just ride his bike, 10 miles can't be a problem for a healthy young man. And if that is impossible his parents should come and pick him up. I really don't get why you should go out of your comfort-zone to drive him home!

[worrierandwine]

Haven’t RTFT but is it possible he fell asleep and before they knew it, it was morning and pointless him going downstairs as it was already morning? Did she apologise for flouting the rule? As a teenager I was allowed to sleep in my boyfriend’s room and he in mine (on my pullout bed). When I was a couple of years older at 18-19 I was seeing someone 9 years older and his dad (who was lovely) wouldn’t let us sleep in the same room as he would say he wanted to treat me how he would like his daughter to be treated. He was a really nice bloke and I respected him and his rules...just a shame his son wasn’t equally as considerate

[Payitforward55]

I think you are mad allowing him to stay over at all! I do not know a single 16 who would be allowed to do this. But where I live this would not be acceptable at all!

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Surely part of the fun of teenage relationships is the grabbing a bit of time whilst the house is empty and parents out.

Or am I looking back with rose tinted specs 😂

Allowing them to share a bed overnight moves it onto a more serious level than it perhaps would have gone at that age.

[Rudgie47]

At that age 16, all my friends were shagging in parks and bushes.

[LoveBeingAMum555]

My son 17 and GF 16 sleep together in the same bed, they have been together for a year. We have had discussions about respect, consent and of course contraception and I have spoken to her Mum about it.

I would rather they weren't having sex if I am honest but I have to accept that they are and once they had been together for 7 or 8 months they both approached their parents to ask if the rules could be changed. In my son's eyes he loves this girl and sleeping with her is a natural thing to do.

However, this is my home and I decide who sleeps here and where they sleep. If it made me uncomfortable I wouldn't allow it, even if DS was 25.

[Strongmummy]

She’s abused your trust, which is normal for a horny teenager. I’d not let him stay over for a few weeks and remind her again about safe sex etc.....

[mum2benicole]

As a teen it's not easy when your in love and want to be with bf all the time and at there age sex is just the thing they want to do. At 18 I wasn't aloud bf at the house my parents where very strict in fact they never met my bf for 2 years! I moved in with him and still my parents wernt fond.
We now have kids of our own and I don't think I would do strict but 16 is still very young and she's had a scare and he's been a bit of a player so I see your point. It's hard I would give them one last chance and see what happens if it happens again no more staying over x

[Beezley]

Age of consent or not she's 16. Don't let him stay again he sounds a right little chancer

[missbloomsbury]

It’s about respect & yes honour if you like! Some years ago we had such terrible times with our 15 yr old son who tried every trick to allow his then girlfriend to stay in his room. We stuck to our rules, however tedious they were to implement - & believe me, it required constant vigilance! Now at 32, he cannot praise us enough for establishing & sticking to those boundaries. He says it taught him to understand & appreciate other’s codes of behaviour. It’s nothing to do with having sex, which they clearly were, but we didn’t approve.

[Tapandgo]

I’d be furious at the lack of respect for my explicit wishes. That shows immaturity ~ the ‘age of consent’ is neither here or there when it comes to the ‘My house, my rules’ issue.

[MissP103]

So what if shes 16 and over the age of consent. She's still a child and needs to reign it in. If she does fall pregnant then I'm sure she'll come running to you with a problem. She doesn't need to be engaging in adult business while she's a little nipper.

[Treacletoots]

Good heavens! I feel I've stepped back into my own teenage years.and that was 20ish years ago. I don't think the rules make any sense and to be honest I'd rather they were under your roof, safe than god knows where.

I have to be honest. People have sex. It's not taboo, or it shouldn't be any more. The fact that he sleeps in her room is neither here nor there and in all honesty it's nicer that they dont just have sex and he's doing a runner after.

I am fairly liberal but it may be because I was brought up to believe that sex is bad and particularly for women. Wow. A female having sex, she's a whore and will surely die from AIDS. Yep. My teenage talk. I've chosen to go the opposite and be open and accepting on the subject. Although, ask me in 10 or so years when my DD is a teenager :/

[timeismovingon]

They have both shown a lack of respect for you. It may be that perhaps your rules need revisiting (I'm not at that point yet so havent had to think about it and can't comment) however they have shown a lack of maturity here. I feel that the boyfriend especially has behaved very badly, it's like a 'I can do what I like attitude' in your house.

Have you spoken to your daughter about respect for herself given he's been texting other girls?

[jayne1976]

Surely him falling asleep in your daughters bed is not a concern (which sounds like the likely cause of him not getting out of bed at midnight), but what went on before?

[ILoveMrDarcy]

Im in a similar situation but my ex husband and I have different rules. My 16 year old DS and his 17 year old GF have been together 6 weeks. For 3 Fridays she stayed at his Dads. This Friday she stayed with us. In the spare room.

I found out today that when they stayed at his Dads they stayed in the sane bed. I'm really not happy but I can't do anything? My Ex won't talk to me and has blocked me. We have different morals and values. It's so hard. But if it all goes wrong I'll have to pick up the pieces.

[Notcoolmum]

That must be so difficult Mr Darcy. I think things would be the same here but my children don't see their dad.

We have had a good talk today about respect (for me but also herself), consent, contraception, rape culture, and I reinforced the rules, which she has agreed to stick to.

The majority of comments on this thread have been helpful and thought provoking. Thank you.

[BlackberryandNettle]

I've thought a bit about this although not at the teenage kids stage yet. Don't reckon I would allow sleeping in the same room at 16. Main reason is that although they obviously probably are having sex I think staying whole nights on a regular basis makes things very adult, very quickly and can lead to greater heartbreak when they break up. They're still extremely young at 16.