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AIBU?

To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

200 replies

Notcoolmum · 10/02/2018 08:09

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

OP posts:

Report

disappearingninepatch · 10/02/2018 08:43

I have two teens and one young adult. I agree with you. It's not about age or if they are having sex. For me, it would depend on how long they have been together. Your DD is still very young.

disappearingninepatch · 10/02/2018 08:44

I also agree with AF; he wouldn't be staying over again as he can't respect your rules.

hungryhenryshouldeatelsewhere · 10/02/2018 08:45

@Pengggwn - I doubt they've only done it once

ForalltheSaints · 10/02/2018 08:46

Your house your rules.

And they should be using condoms.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/02/2018 08:47

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all, they're too young.

I agree you can't stop them having sex and they are now over the legal age but I wouldn't be going out of my way to make it so easy and comfortable for this lad, particularly if he's messaging other girls!!

I worry this will go on longer than it would have done if they weren't allowed in the same room and it will be harder for your DD to end it if she wanted to.

Great she's so open with you though!

therealposieparker · 10/02/2018 08:49

There's no way any of my teens will be sharing a bedroom and if they made it obvious that they were having sex I would be quite pissed off.

SheldonTheWonderShlong · 10/02/2018 08:49

Did they just fall asleep. Sounds naive but maybe they just did! Ask her why he didn't come downstairs and take it from there.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/02/2018 08:49

Seems odd to me when you know they are having sex.

Don't go in all guns blazing though. You have every right to your rules as it's your house. But there's also a chance if so far they've followed them that they just fell asleep before midnight and didn't actively seek to disobey you.

But also talk to your dd alone - if you aren't sure of him there's also the chance he refused to leave at midnight.

Antigonads · 10/02/2018 08:50

I know how you feel.

When dds bf stays here he sleeps on the sofa. They have been together over two years and regularly go away on holiday.

But they ain't sleeping in the same bed under my roof.

Moanaohnana · 10/02/2018 08:53

I think it's good that you and your daughter have open communication but I do wonder about your boundaries.

So this lad, who has cheated on your daughter, is allowed to have unprotected sex with your daughter (including when she's underage) but isn't allowed to literally sleep in a bed with her? Why? What's the point of drawing the line there?

10 miles is not so far that he can't be driven home at the end of the night. It really isn't.

NotSoSprightly · 10/02/2018 08:55

Why do people have a problem with teens over the age of consent having sex? It's not your right to decide to be "pissed off" about if they're having it.

If they are over the age of consent then they have just as much of a right to be doing it as you do!

I would let them stay in the same room, esp. as she has the coil, but can see why you're uncomfortable about it if he's an arse.

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaStabler · 10/02/2018 08:56

He would not be staying over again

This ^^

scottishdiem · 10/02/2018 09:00

Clearly they are having sex. If you dont want them having sex in your house (which is understandable) where do you think they are going to do it? If you arent going to actually ban the sex then surely its better to be doing it in a safe environment?

Notcoolmum · 10/02/2018 09:01

moanahnana I have never said I'm ok with them having sex. I have spoken to them both about it and have had his dad do the same. I have discussed condoms etc. But I also want my DD not to end up pregnant at 16 hence the extra protection of the implant.

However, in the eyes of the law she is now freely able to give her consent to sex.

OP posts:

helpmum2003 · 10/02/2018 09:04

Although your dd is over the age of consent she is clearly vulnerable evidenced by his recent behaviour.

I would personally ban staying over for the moment as rules have been broken. And reassess the situation at a time set by you.

Even if they have sex elsewhere - which they will- you have set boundaries which will protect your daughter in your home.

Have you asked your dd what her friends think about boyfriend messaging other girls?

It's GCSE year as well so she needs to be getting enough sleep and time to do school work.

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarkPeakScouter · 10/02/2018 09:09

No more staying over for him. He knew the rules, you reminded him and he chose to break them

GeorgeTheHamster · 10/02/2018 09:12

It's only ten miles. Drive him home!

Lovemusic33 · 10/02/2018 09:14

Your house your rules.

I was allowed my boyfriend in my room with the door left open at that age, he never stayed over unless he slept on the sofa.

They should respect your rules.

When I was a bit older I was allowed for my boyfriend to stay, my mum said that she would rather we were doing it at home rather than getting caught doing it in a public place (which is what they will do if they have nowhere else to go), but by then I had a nicer boyfriend who my parents liked.

APlaceinTheCountry · 10/02/2018 09:15

It seems the ship of modesty/chasity whatever has already sailed to be honest. How was the issue of staying the night forced?, You say he lives 10miles away? you should have told him to hop on the bus at a suitable time, surely they both knew he had to get back to his house . Not sure what the answer is now.

Handsfull13 · 10/02/2018 09:16

Your house your rules. Break them and face consequences.
I can home from uni during the holidays and brought my bf with me, I was 20 and him 22 and my dad made him sleep on the sofa for a whole week even though we were practically living together

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Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/02/2018 09:16

If you know they are having sex and that they are using protection why ban it in the house? What do you want them to do, go and do it in the park?

Notcoolmum · 10/02/2018 09:17

georgethehamster it's an hour plus journey (round trip) and I'd be alone in a v rough estate (his, not ours) so I'm not desperate to do that on a Friday/Saturday night. Plus wine!!!

I will stop him staying for a while now though as rules were broken.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

VileyRose · 10/02/2018 09:17

At 16 My boyfriend used to get the bus home at 10.30pm.

I don't think I would allow it in my house tbh.

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