To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

[Notcoolmum]

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

[cherry2727]

What’s the big deal about 16 year olds having boyfriends staying over ? This barely crossed my mind at that age and my parents would have never allowed it!

I had a bf at 16 and we spent most of our days at college and engaging in activities like window shopping , bus rides to the city, movies , ice skating etc . It was customary to then retire to our own homes in the evenings! In the three years we were together we never once spoke about sleeping at each other’s house! We waited till university to have more freedom around this!

I do think that you can’t stop her from having sex but by not allowing it under your roof ,you can limit her choices of places to have sex. At that age I can’t imagine her having too many homes to go to , in order to have sex. I surely didn’t which means I couldn’t have sex as many times as he probably wanted to! I grew up having alot of respect for my parents and self worth as a young lady.

It’s nice that you’ve had the chat with her and I would personally ban him from having overnight visits! It’s not needed anywaz !

[Whoopwhoopwooo]

I have 2 teens over 16, however my daughter and her long term BF stayed over in the same room. Like others have said it’s your house, your rules. How do you know they just didn’t fall asleep and that’s why he didn’t go downstairs? I think if your making the rules you should enforce them i.e go into your daughters room at 12 and say downstairs now please. Question solved, then if he sneaks back up you will know it was total disrespect, and the arrangement can be banned. Good luck, it’s such a hard age.

[Geordie1944]

It all depends on whether you are more interested in your daughter's sexual welfare or in bullying her into submission. You have already broken the law by condoning - indeed abetting - underage sex - so you have forfeited the right to the moral high ground on that score.

Stopping them sleeping together under your roof is nothing to do with her, it is all about you and showing your daughter who is boss, which is juvenile bullying on your part.

This is, I suspect, about your own immaturity and your inability to come to terms with the fact that your daughter is sexually active, just as many children find the idea of their parents having sex uncomfortable. Both you and your daughter are in fact immature, but at least she has an excuse. You don't.

[windchimesabotage]

YANBU she is still a child and it is your house so its up to you who stays there. At least until she is 18/paying some kind of rent.

I personally would allow a 16 year old to have their partner stay so im not saying that out of any moral attitude about sex. Im saying it because as its your home people who stay there have to respect your boundaries. As they have willfully gone against this I would not let him stay overnight again.

[RaqsMax]

Really sympathise with you, OP. Mother of 2 teens myself and have not yet had to face this issue, but thinking about it a lot.

However, your thinking does not seem entirely clear in some regards; if he had not been caught out messaging other girls and you still thought him to be a 'lovely' lad, would you then feel OK about him staying over?

Your daughter is 16yrs; she cares about this boy. As you say, this is now legal and consensual sex. This is not a one-night stand; they have been in some sort of relationship for 8 months. I am not sure how imposing an arbitrary timeframe of one year will help the situation. So the night before it would be wrong and disrespectful, but once they hit the one-year mark it becomes OK and respectful?

Your daughter, whatever happen,s will continue to have sex with this boy. Implant is great; but they absolutely should be using condoms as well to protect against STIs (particularly since his fidelity seems a bit suspect). So....do you want her to be forced to having risky sex in the backs of cars, public places, dubious 'friends' houses, or at home anyway behind your back when you are out!? In short, all the places that teenagers generally have sex when they can't do it openly at home.

I am not suggesting that you allow her to bring every one-night stand home. But if she is in a committed relationship and respectful of the boundaries that you set (no boyfriends walking about half-naked, no noisy sex that has to be explained to younger siblings, etc), I think I would rather have her under my roof where I could monitor the situation, than in a dodgy car park somewhere. Because whatever ban or rules you impose, they WILL keep having sex. It seems unrealistic to expect that he will stay on the sofa when they both are hopped up on hormones and just dying to be together. Surely you can remember the intensity of feelings with those first sexual explorations?

This is part of life's rich tapestry; negotiating sexual relationships is one of the things that she will have to learn. Maybe this boy will prove to be faithful, maybe he will cheat on her and break her heart. She will be OK because she clearly has loving and concerned parents who worry about her well-being. The important thing is that you keep talking to each other and keep the dialogue open. Good luck!

[mommytoboo86]

OP Firstly she is ur dd, those r the rules in ur house & she has broken ur rules, some form of punishment needs 2 be handed out, but Secondly and most importantly I want 2 suggest that u watch very carefully but don't push her 2 much.
My mum had rules similar 2 urs and after she banned him from the house and had a constant go at me about respect for her and respect for myself (we hadn't done anything except shut the door cos of my lil sister being a pain but she didn't believe me) I moved out & in with him. I was 15. It was the start of a very abusive relationship. I'm not saying he is going to be abusive (although he has been already hasnt he?) but I would have thought that having them dtd under ur roof is the lesser of 2 possible evils.
xx

[Abbylee]

My dd is 19 and live at home. She said she would feel too guilty to spend night at her bf....no expectation of sleepovers unless they are cohabitating.

Sex is more than intercourse, 16 is still very young to handle all of the emotional stuff.

[mamaryllis]

If he is old enough to be the big man, he’s old enough to work out how to get himself home for the night. When he can act like an adult across the board (drive, pay rent, or at least pay for the bus or a cab) and not rely on his gf’s mammy to chauffeur him around, then he gets treated like an adult in his relationships instead of being a horny boy facilitated by his gf’s parents.
Dd1 is 18 and in her first term at uni. She lives on her own, is responsible for her own cooking and laundry, and who she sleeps with (and when, lol). At this point, I think it would be unreasonable to suggest her bf sleeps on the sofa here but ds1(16)? Not a cat’s chance in hell is he having a gf stay over. Whether I’ve had a glass of wine or not.

Mind you, this thread is going me serious flashbacks to how desperately uncomfortable I was staying at liberal bf’s houses - the pressure was on to perform and they were all lovely (well, until I actually got pg at 18 and the ‘lovely’ bf said ‘tell me when you’ve got rid of it’ anyway.)
16 is way too young to be dealing with scares, abortions, and playing at being grown-ups. Shit happens but that’s when the adults need to help the children sort it out. The adults don’t need to be helping them into those situations.

[SherbrookeFosterer]

It is clear you have done all you could.

Now you just have to bite the future and let them young ones write their own narrative.

As a mother, and now perhaps a grandmother, making you a more worldly observer of life, things will all have another perspective.

[rizlett]

Talking about respect and self esteem is on thing but isn't it more about continually demonstrating how we build and keep our own self esteem and respect?

So you do need to stick to your guns initially but also have a discussion with both of them about what they feel the consequences should be for a breaking of your rules given that they agreed to them in the first place. You will earn their respect if you consider some renegotiation after their penance. After all they're teenagers and not sufficiently mature to accurately assess behaviour risks. Work hard to bring him closer - the more you push him the more she will want him - be nice - even though he isn't the boy you would have chosen for your DD. Girls with higher self esteem and value will make better choices but she may also struggle with 'missing' love from a father.

Be aware that she may be looking to replace the missing relationship with her Dad. I grew up without a Dad and consequently gave my all to every boy and eventually every man who showed interest in me until after an abusive marriage I discovered the freedom programme [it might be helpful for your DD to consider doing the online one] and my life finally became my own.

Good luck op.

[DarthNigel]

I don't really understand the 'they've shown a lack of respect for you' angle.
When I was that age I really fancied my boyfriend and wanted to have sex with him. I wasn't thinking 'my mum doesn't want me to do this but I'm going to anyway just to piss her off'. That wasnt my main motivation. It is possible at 16 to know you want to have sex with someone, and to decide to do it.and sometimes yes of course it possible that that's a mistake but then it's something you learn from-and with hopefully parents that will help you do this, and make sure you are safe both physically and emotionally, rather than make you feel ashamed and that you are ruined for life.
I think you sound like a lovely mum op. But were I your daughter I wouldn't see the logic in not being able to have my bf sleep in my bedroom, or in banning him from sleeping over now-given that you know they have sex already and I assume she talked to you about the pregnancy scare (which is great that she was able to-you are winning already there). Why run the risk of making her feel she must be less open with you when the cat is already out of the bag so to speak?

You might not like this kid-but she does. Trying to put her off him won't work either-if anything she will Leap to defend him and it will prolong the relationship. If you have said your peice about how you think he could treat her better and the importance of safe sex then that, and being for her if and when it does go wrong, is the best you can do imo.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

The biggest issue here is the risk of STDs.

[PurplePenguins]

I had the same problem OP. My son's gf now lives 50 miles away so came for a couple of days. I told my son to sleep in with his brothers and his gf had his room. In the Morning, they were both in his room. I went mad. They both had totally ignored and disrespect me. I told them that it would have to be no overnight visits from now on as they can't respect my rules in my house x

[jocarter67]

Do you have any more children, if so how old are they ?

[Strawberrylaceaddict]

I don’t think I would allow it at all at that age. My parents were very strict, at 16 I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years and it was never allowed. In fact even now after children and at 29 years old my mum still doesn’t agree under her roof. I always respected it and after many no’s didn’t bother asking again! She knew what we were up to just didn’t want to be seen to Be encouraging it! I won’t be as strict as that! However as many people have said it’s more about your boundaries and them both respecting that especially when you have already said that you will discuss it again in a few months. Both he and your daughter should respect that, and compromise with the sofa for now if that’s the rule you set.

[BoredOnMatLeave]

I actually think the opposite of most people on here. It makes me uncomfortable to think they would be having a quick shag with the door open and he has to go off after 12. I would personally let them have the door closed and let him stay so they have their privacy and and can go at a pace that she is comfortable with. It also feels less "one night stand" to me.

That being said it is not ok for them to break your rules so I wouldn't let him stay for a while. And I say the above for a normal relationship, I don't think I would encourage the relationship if he has been messaging other girls. I get the sneaky feeling your DD probably told him to go downstairs and he kept pestering her to let him stay with her.

[Treacletoots]

@Geordie1944 thank you for this post. This. Is. Exactly. It. You've nailed it. As adults we need to find the emotional intelligence to communicate with our children that doesn't involve bullying. People clearly don't recognise controlling behaviour my rules respect etc as bullying but as someone who had exactly this type of parent I can say very clearly this isn't how you gain your child's respect. Imposing rules just because you say so doesn't garner respect, quite the opposite.

Be open, be discussing and realise that sex isn't a frigging crime (well usually!) Let the traditional British taboo fly.

[Notcoolmum]

Having house rules and expecting them to be adhered to isn't bullying. Although I consider calling someone a criminal for taking a responsible approach to their child's sexual health and contraception to be abusive and bullying.

The posts that have really provoked much thought and contemplation have been those where concern has been expressed about the intimacy of spending the night together and allowing her room to be a safe place. These are points I haven't considered before.

I have discussed the rules and my reasonings behind them with my daughter and she has agreed to them. They are also applied at her BFs house so I feel secure that we are being consistent in our approach.

[Fairenuff]

I reinforced the rules, which she has agreed to stick to.

She already did that OP and then she broke the rules. I think she will break them again.

It's a shame you didn't give them any consequences. If I were the parent, I would have like to have seen if he made the effort to visit without the luxury of sleeping overnight and sex on tap.

[mumda]

She's 16 and under your roof so your rules are the law.

I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to offer to drive him home - and have your daughter in the car with you - so you're not alone on any rough estates at any point.
But I'd drive him back at 11, cos you don't want to be out all night. And only every third or fourth weekend. After all her social life needs to be more of her responsibility.

And if she wants to spend the night with her then let her do it at his parents house.
Presumably there's a reason she's not doing that already.

There's nothing you can't do before 11pm that you can do after.

[Kerala2712]

Very difficult. Your house, your rules- more an issue of respect- her respect for herself and you, his respect for her and you- she sounds like she’s being tempted into disrespecting you because wants to please him, potentially because lacks the self respect to see he’s not treating her well. He sounds like most 16 year old boys (a cheeker f, who’s trying it on. Perhaps a conversation about this being evidence of her not respecting herself enough to draw boundaries for him and others in her home? Shortish period of curfew/ban on staying over (1-2 months) ...

[SundaysFunday]

I think you need to play the 'long game' here, and your unlimited objective should be to encourage open communication, and not alienate your DD while at the same time maintaining her respect. Because, by the sounds of it this relationship may not last and she will need you most when it ends.

You may need to reluctantly change your rules (I think your rules are sensible btw). The fact is they are having sex, with your consent (support with the implant) whether he sleeps on the sofa or not, so keeping them apart is a bit of a farce.

But again, your relationship and communication with DD should be your top priority.

[Teenageromance]

Treacletoots - there have been many posters on this thread who said the opposite to you. They did respect their parents having boundaries on boyfriends staying over and that looking back it was a very positive thing.

[Ericaequites]

Having him sleep over is inappropriate. It was unwise to allow this even once.

[CosyLulu]

I really feel for you on this one OP; there’s so much at stake - your daughter’s emotional well-being and safety as well as your having the balancing act of letting go but maintaining some ‘control.’ All mums of teenagers know how hard it is. I think that maintaining your rationship with your daughter is top of the list as that is what will always be there when this rather unpleasant-sounding boyfriend disappears. Although your rule about not sleeping in the room together may seem to some as being irrational, I think you should stick with it. You basically want shot of this boy, right? Then I’d stick with it for that reason alone, don’t let him get too cosy. Plus at 16 it’s still so nice to have that bit of your ‘girlhood’ attached to your room, it makes it feel safe and. I don’t think you’ve said yet what your dd explained as the reason for her breaking the rule or if she apologised or understands why you are upset about it?