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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

200 replies

Notcoolmum · 10/02/2018 08:09

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

OP posts:
hodgeheg92 · 10/02/2018 10:44

I was your DD, only my boyfriend at 16 lived over 100 miles away so my parents had to let him stay. He was allowed in my room overnight but had to sleep in the spare bed we'd put up in there. Of course he never did!

Little bit different to your situation though as my mum knew this (we had a very honest relationship) but my dad didn't. And my boyfriend wasn't messaging other girls (at that point anyway!) When my dad found out I got a very stern talking to and was mortified because my dad discussed sex with me.

I think people are very quick to dismiss teenage relationships because chances are they won't last, but to teenagers these relationships are very important and are going to last forever. I take the point that sleeping over so young and the intimacy that creates may make the relationship more serious but I would want my child to be intimate with the person they are having sex with because I'd rather they be in love than a casual throw away thing.

Your house, your rules and whatever you're comfortable with is right for your situation, just wanted to offer a different perspective. FWIW, I did become very serious with that boyfriend and moved to be with him at 18. It didn't last but I have since married and had a child with a man from the same place (I stayed when we broke up due to university) So I don't regret being in a serious relationship so young.

Notso · 10/02/2018 10:47

I have a 17 year old and so far she hasn't asked for her boyfriend to stay over although she has been to stay with him at university and they've been to hotels together.
At the moment if he visits here he goes home at around midnight however I would be fine with him staying over. However I know that DH will object to him staying. We know they're having sex and that doesn't bother me as long as they're discreet and taking precautions. I don't see the difference between them doing it at night or before he goes home.
DH will say it's a respect thing but we certainly didn't have that level of respect for his or my parents! I was 17 when we got together, the first time I met my MIL I was half naked asleep on their sofa Blush
It is a really difficult aspect of parenting though and I can understand your reservations after this lads behaviour.

Stillwishihadabs · 10/02/2018 10:50

Wow so many different perspectives. I don't have older teens yet so no first hand experience as a parent. I was this sort of age in the early 90s, so perhaps the first generation who were "allowed" to have bf/gf staying over in the parental home, we also ( as a generation) cohabited both younger and sooner than previous generations (often at 18/19) as there was zero social stigma. You know what ? We have a lower divorce rate. There is good evidence that being able to "try before you buy" helps people make the right choice. Having said that I wasn't allowed to have a bf staying over till after my GCSEs and no one nighters at home (relaxed slightly in my 20s more FWBs than anything else).

BadTasteFlump · 10/02/2018 10:52

My question was that given she is now 'of age' am I reasonable to insist they continue to sleep apart

Absolutely yes, because she is living in your home, and is still young enough to need your protection and guidance. However imo, the sleepovers should never have started, and should stop now that he's shown he doesn't respect your rules.

I think this has become confusing because on the one hand you treat them as adults - re discussing sex, letting her have a boyfriend stay in your home, where he's probably sneaking upstairs more than you realise anyway - but on the other you're treating him like a child - ie, either you drive him home or he has to stay. Why can't he be responsible for getting himself home? Can he not bike, or leave early enough to get a bus? Or to have his parents collect him? At sixteen that's his responsibility. It's certainly not yours, and in a way you are just making it easy for him - why do that when he's not treating your DD well anyway?

I think you just need to separate what are your responsibilities, ie your DD, and what aren't, ie somebody else's 16 year old boy. Then you can say 'These are the rules, he can stay until 10:30 then has to go home'. If he has no way of getting home then, it doesn't mean he stays, it means he has to leave early enough to get home, or make other arrangements.

Then, as aside, I would gently talk to DD about what her rules in a relationship are - and why she would put up with him messing her around. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you need to let her know that you know she deserves better.

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 10:55

I never let dd1 have her bf stay over and I won’t be letting dd2/3 when/if they have one either.

My dds bedrooms are their safe spaces. My best friend had an abusive bf from the age of 15 and she literally had no where to hide

NotSoSprightly · 10/02/2018 10:57

Don't be ridiculous Valentine! How the hell does the boyfriend staying over once in a blue moon mean they are living together?!

BadTasteFlump · 10/02/2018 10:57

I do have teens, btw.

Notso · 10/02/2018 11:01

Strongvegetables It's not as simple as that though, I moved in with an abusive man at 16 because my parents wouldn't let him be in the house after 8:00 pm.

GeorgeTheHamster · 10/02/2018 11:06

it's an hour plus journey (round trip) and I'd be alone in a v rough estate (his, not ours) so I'm not desperate to do that on a Friday/Saturday night. Plus wine!!!

Yes but still. Drive him home.

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 11:12

notso no you moved in with an abusive man because you were already being controlled by him. Well done to your parents for not allowing him to control your entire house.

justilou1 · 10/02/2018 11:21

I would pull the plug on the staying over. It is your house and your rules. Despite being old enough to shag, your daughter is not legally an adult and must comply by these rules until she can support herself elsewhere. If you are driving him home, that means that their night will be ending earlier - like 8pm so that you can get him home and return back to your comfy bed at a reasonable time. If he's as dickish a I suspect, he won't be your problem for very much longer.

Terfragette · 10/02/2018 11:25

I'll tell you what I'd be asking myself, if it were me.

Does the girl have a genuine, libido-driven longing for sexual intercourse? Or is she just doing it to appease him, keep him, or compete with her peers?

I personally would not want to facilitate my daughter being used sexually by a teenage boy for his own ends.

Letting him stay for whole evenings/nights/mornings is giving him free rein to use her for many hours at a time.

So I guess I'd be asking my DD WHY she wants to have sex.

Oysterbabe · 10/02/2018 11:33

It's a tough one. I'd let him stay in her room, probably because I was allowed boyfriends to stay in my room from 16 so it seems normal.
I dread when DD is this age as DH and I will have rather different views I reckon!

Notso · 10/02/2018 12:11

I disagree Strong and my parents certainly don't congratulate themselves on their actions at that time. They both feel they handled the situation badly.

Forgeteverythingandremember · 10/02/2018 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 12:44

notso parents will always feel guilt if there child is with some one abusive. But they did the right thing. Allowing an abuser in to the home creates an unsafe for every one.

You sound like you all could do with some councilling.

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 12:45

You shouldn’t blame them either notso

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 10/02/2018 13:31

So where do you think they're having sex? Surely better in the privacy of her own room than a semi-public quickie in the car. At least you know she's safe.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 10/02/2018 13:38

Also the house I live in isn't 'mine'. It's ours.

I will stop him staying for a while now though as rules were broken.

So now presumably your daughter is going to be travelling to the 'rough estate' that you don't feel safe going to until ... when?

milliemolliemou · 10/02/2018 13:41

OP just talk to your daughter and get your ducks in a row. Is she happy in this relationship? is she enjoying it? why did they break your rules? And is she still working for her exams or whatever she wants to do? how is she doing at school or work? How often does her bf come over - is it just weekends? My main concerns at this age would be (a) unprotected sex - given the spread of chlamydia, syphilis etc - which can spread from him to her (b) whether she is ready for this sort of relationship (c) whether it was impacting on her school or work and whether she could handle a break up (d) whether if under a ban on the bf staying over would mean she stayed with him instead.

good luck

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 14:11

jen sometimes we have to draw the line in being ‘friends’ with our kids and being parents.

Just because the legal age consent is 16 it doesn’t mean that most 16 year olds are going to be emotionally mature to deal with a sexual relationship. Creating a little love nest in your house for your kids to engage is love making isn’t going to help.

Her daughter doesn’t have to go to a rough for sex and it’s actuslly ok to say no to our kids.

I was pregnant at 15 had dd1 at 16. We had sex every where. To be honest I would say the main reason I ended up pregnant was really shit parenting.

Thankfully i never had this issue with dd1 now 22.

longtompot · 10/02/2018 14:38

I think its the lack of respect for your house your rules is the issue, and not the sleeping together. I would ask her why he didn't go downstairs before midnight (though if he doesn't regard any rules anyway, I'm sure he will be nipping back up to her room when everyone is asleep). If she has no credible answer, I would say he is not welcome to stay over for the time being. He is welcome to come over during the evening, but has to be gone by 10pm or whatever time you feel happy with.

B3myvalentine · 10/02/2018 15:45

When you are 16 / teenager you don't always appreciate the reasons why or the rules. Everyone is different, I guess some people are ready for a relationship at that age, some not. Is your DD studying, working part time, volunteering, joining some local groups ? She has her whole adult life ahead of her for boyfriends. What happens if the relationship ends...that's life, but it will be closer to home.

Allthewaves · 10/02/2018 16:05

They are having sex. It makes no sense making him sleep on the sofa. My bf at 16 mother made us leave door open - we still had sex in the bedroom with door ajar.

Gigimoll · 10/02/2018 16:12

Erm.. I'm trying to think of this through my parents eyes. My dd is 10 months old so by the time she's 16 I wouldn't know what to think.
I didn't have a proper boyfriend til I was 18. Now my fiancé. But my mom was furious I stayed over his one night. She had no problems him sleeping in my bed. She obviously knew we were having sex. I think you did a great job getting her contraception sorted out.
In all honesty, I'd be upset she disobeyed me and I wouldn't have him round for a few weeks until the trust was gained back.

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