To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

[Notcoolmum]

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

[ladyglittersparkle]

At 16 if my DD bf stayed over he slept downstairs on the settee. She is now almost 19 and he stays with her in her room (although has only stayed once since turning 18).
It's your house so is all about what you are comfortable with. Myself and siblings had moved in with our partners and were over 21 before we could share a room if we went back to stay at my parents, before 21 they had to stay in the spare room. We didn't mind as it's was respect for our parents and my DD was fine with the arrangement when her bf had to stay on the settee

[Fifthtimelucky]

Perhaps I'm a bit naive, I'm a bit puzzled by the assumptions that 'messaging other girls' is a sign that he is also sleeping with them. Don't 16 year olds have lots of friends of both sexes?

[deste]

If he had been texting other girls then he is not committed to her, he also has no respect for her. He is using her for sex and she is allowing it to keep him. How do you know how many girls he has slept with since being with your DD. My DD put up with it for 6 years and it never ever changed no matter how many times he promised. She is now getting a divorce. I would not allow him to stay either after that.

[Notcoolmum]

myx.... it was a ltb from me too. And he's allowed to sleep on the sofa not in her bed. They are allowed in her room with the door open only at other times.
I don't allow her to have sex or him not to wear a condom. I can only provide support and guidance for her to make informed choices. And additional protection so that she doesn't have a pregnancy to deal with. She is a young woman not a little girl.

My question was that given she is now 'of age' am I reasonable to insist they continue to sleep apart. There are polar views on this but those provided have helped me to feel secure in mine.

[deste]

Also it’s not your responsibility to get him home. Get his parents to come and get him.

[JaneEyre70]

We've always had a very open relationship with our DDs, and our eldest had her boyfriend overnight from around 16/17 but it was on the strict instruction that she showed respect to us and her younger sisters. I think you've set the ground rules out, and they've stuck 2 fingers up so it has to be dealt with. I'd put a stop to it and say they both have to earn your trust back. And talk to them both at the same time.

[TheFairyCaravan]

Stop him staying.

The fact he lives 10 miles away, on a rough estate , and you want to have wine really isn’t a good enough reason tbh. He wants his cake and to eat it too and you’re making it easy for him. He’s cheated on your DD yet you’re still making it really easy for him to have sex with her. Think about her self worth for a while.

[wrenika]

Your house, your rules!

My parents didn't let me sleep in the same room as my boyfriend under their roof even when I was 21! I don't know when they would have relented because I'd moved in with boyfriend by 22 and we've not stayed over at their house since cause we're not that far away.

One thing I'd say is that maybe ask your daughter to be the one sleeping on the sofa and let the boyfriend have her room. That's what we did, because it's nicer for the guest to have a little privacy. And (generally) females fit better on the sofa!

[MudCity]

I think my view would be pick your battles carefully.
They are already having sex so that's not going to change, just the when and where.
If you clash over this will she come to you for support if/when it all goes wrong or stay with him out of teenage stubbornness because you don't like him or not admit there are problems?
I was in a relationship at that age and I know I would rather my parents let him stay and been supportive rather than the living hell they actually made my teenage years.

^^^^ THIS!

[Mxyzptlk]

I was hoping you'd had a sensible discussion with her about the messaging and his general attitude to her, not just the sleeping arrangements.
As you've been involved with the pregnancy scare and with her getting contraception, I think it's not unreasonable for you to do that.

[coconutpie]

So he's texting other girls and you want to facilitate him staying over to get easy available sex from your DD? What about her self worth? You need to be the adult in this situation - she's still a kid! As AF said, she was in an abusive relationship at the same age and would have agreed to sleep overs if parents allowed it but it would have been bad because she would have had no personal space away from him.

Your DD needs you to put boundaries in. This isn't just a teenage relationship where they might be having sex - this is a relationship where he's been cheating on her and you still want to facilitate this crap!

Is he still texting these other girls? Have you spoken to DD about her self worth properly? I would be putting a halt to all sleepovers from now on and none at his house at all. And regarding getting him home - his parents can pay for a taxi or collect him. He's not your responsibility how he gets home.

You might be more eager to drive him home afterwards if he wasn't such a cheating dick.

[Fairenuff]

I would rather my parents let him stay and been supportive rather than the living hell they actually made my teenage years

I don't think OP is going to make her dd's life a living hell. They had a perfectly compromised situation. It was the dd's decision to break the trust. If she's grown up enough for a sexual relationship, then she's grown up enough to understand that actions have consequences.

I also think he might be putting pressure on your dd OP. Ban the sleeping over for a while and see if he hangs around or disappears. That will tell you a lot more about his character.

[hettie]

The not sleeping in the room thing would not be about the sex for me. More about the fact that a 16 year old should not have the need (nor should they be encouraged to) have a relationship that was so emotionaly intimate and intense that they were spending several nights a week sleeping together....

[Valentinesfart]

He sounds like an arsehole (cheating, ignoring your rules).

I wouldn't let him around for a while, let him know why.

[Rudgie47]

I think if hes been texting others hes been shagging others as well.
I wouldnt have him staying over at all, let them shag somewhere else.I'd be telling them that as well.
Your paying the mortgage, it your house, your rules.

[Valentinesfart]

And if they are going to have sex, why not allow them to sleep together afterwards? I don't understand the point of him having to sleep downstairs

Because being together sleeping together etc, is living together. Do we really advise young people to live together after 8 months?

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, this is a no brainer.
They are sixteen years old, you are the parent, it's your home. They have both disrespected your house rules.
In future he can get the bus home, and kip in his own bed. I doubt he is ready for a serious relationship with your daughter, so don't further encourage him. It is not your responsibility to drive him home.

[Notcoolmum]

To all those concerned I haven't spoken to my DD about his behaviour. Believe me I have. There is no evidence to suggest he's done anything than sending a few more than friendly messages and she has chosen, after discussing with me, her friends, him, his family , to continue the relationship. It is not the decision I would have chosen but I will support her in this.

We have discussed self esteem, the importance of friendship, and separateness.

[Notcoolmum]

Thanks fairenuff I think that is good advice and chimes with my own feelings.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I think your rules make perfect sense. Dressed & door open they’re allowed to hang out in her room until midnight, then he’s to go and sleep on the sofa.

It’s one thing knowing they’re having sex and quite another condoning it and giving them a bedroom to do it in every night. Making it more difficult & less comfortable is no bad thing.

Sex aside, there’s an intimacy that spending the whole night sleeping together brings and I don’t think, at 16, this should be encouraged. At all. The more together & coupley they are, the harder it is for one of them to break up with the other one. It’s assisting in the move from young dating/relationship, to a much more together/serious relationship.

It’s not your responsibility to get him home at night. He leaves your home at x o’clock and how he gets home is his/his parents issue. You’re not his chauffeur and given his behaviour I’d be making it as difficult as bloody possible for him to be with my DD. Mind you, I’d be hoping (as I’m sure you do!) that she wouldn’t be staying with some little prick chasing other girls.

[Notcoolmum]

Thanks annie the intimacy and making it harder to separate is a really valid point.

And I am hoping for that very much!!

[viques]

He has disrespected her by texting/setting other girls, he has disrespected you by ignoring your rules in your house. Because of him your daughter has hormones in her body that frankly she doesn't need at 16. What else does he have to do to prove his immaturity and lack of care towards her, and towards you.

Never mind about having the talk about boundaries and respect with your daughter , you need to have it with him, because he damn well needs that attitude re programmed .

[viques]

Sexting, not setting.

[Fifthtimelucky]

Of course sleeping together isn't living together and no of course I wouldn't encourage 2 16 yr olds to start living together after 8 months.

My 18 yr old has been going out with her boyfriend for just over a year. Occasionally (once a month or so) he stays the night in her room. How does that equate to living together?

[spidey66]

Not parent but I'll give my tuppence anyway....

I do get the ''my house my rules'' but, she's over 16, is using contraception (though I agree should also be using condoms) and it's not like he's a random one nighter. I'd rather they did it in a safe place than in a park or something.

I think if I was in the situation I'd let them, but would not allow a load of one night stands happen under my roof. Which I know goes against my 'at least they're not doing it in the park' stance, but there you go.