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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

200 replies

Notcoolmum · 10/02/2018 08:09

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

OP posts:
longsigh · 10/02/2018 16:30

I agree with PP- if you make a big fuss about this now then who will she turn to when things go wrong?
I think the best way to react is to say you are disappointed then move on. If she feels that you are very disaproving or start banning things then that will push her into stubbornness and continuing the relationship that might perhaps fizzle out.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 10/02/2018 18:36

They're not going to to stop having sex because you ask him to sleep on the sofa or ban him from coming over. Where do you think they will have it? That's the only consideration here surely. If your DD isn't free to live as she legally chooses to do in her home you will lose her.

MsJudgemental · 10/02/2018 18:48

They are in a relationship and above the legal age of consent. You know they are sexually active. What difference does it make if he sleeps in her room after midnight or on the sofa? That’s ridiculous. What is of concern is him messaging other girls.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/02/2018 18:54

I wouldn't let him stay over again.

He's walking all over your daughter and he thinks he can walk all over you. You said he could stay if he stayed downstairs - he stayed with her in her room. I'd just say, "Sorry, I don't want you to stay again" and stick to it.

jacks11 · 10/02/2018 19:05

I think OP is entitled to say "not under my roof". The rules were very clear and DD and her BF chose to break them, abusing OPs trust in the process. My response would be that as they can't be trusted, he can't stay over until the trust is earned back. There is no "oh but if you don't let them have sex at your house, they'll go elsewhere, so you absolutely have to give in to what they want", in my book.

I think the response to the rule breaking and abusing trust being "fine, he can sleep in your bed and you can have sex in my home whenever you like", would be sending a very odd signal out: break my house rules and I'll change the rules to suit you, so you don't have to break them!

Crocusqueen · 10/02/2018 19:06

I have an identical experience to Anyfucker. If my parents hadn't insisted on my boyfriend leaving at 10 every night, I would have had very little respite from him, and my ability to say no, which was already badly compromised, would have been non existent.

Unpleasant men don't occur organically, they start off as unpleasant boys, and this boy has been messing round with OP'S DD. They don't have to have sex at night. He can get himself home and OP'S daughter can get a good night's sleep.

I would not be going out of my way to enable this boy's 24/7 access to my daughter, under the circumstances. I would attempt to give her a break from his presence

jacks11 · 10/02/2018 19:14

jennifer

If your DD isn't free to live as she legally chooses to do in her home you will lose her

But that isn't necessarily true. My parents had a no sex rule in their house- pretty much until we were 17/18, I think. And even then, only long-term relationships.

And you know, I even managed to respect my parents rules! Well, apart from one occasion, though I did not get caught out. Had I been caught, I would have expected a rollicking: not for having sex but for being so disrespectful to my parents.

If she is old enough to be having an adult relationship, she is also old enough to understand that she has to respect the rules of the house. If she wants to make changes to those rules, she needs to bring them up with her mother/parents. She can't flout them without consequence. She cannot abuse her mother's trust by having the boyfriend stay but not go downstairs. It's just not on.

Strongvegetables · 10/02/2018 19:35

Im really surprised at the amount of parents more than happy to basically create a shag pad in there children’s houses in fear of their children - because they still legally are kids - get upset.

You can claim child benefit for the girl that’s laying down with her bf upstairs. Just because 16 is the age of concent it doesn’t mean it shoulf be encouraged.

Parents need to be talking and discussing relationships, self esteem, not bowing down to peer pressure way before this point even comes up.

If as a parent you feel pushed in to a corner whether to let your daughter engage in sexual intercourse in your house or leave her up to her own devices and be blackmailed then tbh you fucked up way earlier on down the line.

There is nothing wrong with saying - actuslly no, he isn’t allowed to sleep here.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2018 19:40

I never let either of my adult children have partners sleep over in their bed

I didn't "lose them"

They are still here (more's the pity, but thay's another story Smile )

What a silly, knee jerk outlook

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2018 19:43

If your DD isn't free to live as she legally chooses to do in her home you will lose her.

My parents didn't lose me and I haven't lost my DC.

Some children may not like your decisions but they still respect them.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2018 19:44

Just because 16 is the age of consent it doesn’t mean it should be encouraged.

^^This

theculture · 10/02/2018 19:46

As she knows these are your rules perhaps she is trying to put you in the role of bad guy so you rather than her can be blamed on ending the relationship?

Perhaps she is hoping you kick off as she feels unable to handle the situation herself ??

I can't possibly tell having never met her Grin but maybe another way to think about it . .

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/02/2018 19:47

I let my 16yr old have her Bf stay over.
They've been together a year, it happens once a month or so, (though they see each other at other times).
Contraception is sorted, and he's a nice polite boy, they both study and treat me with respect when he's here.
I have no reason not to allow it.
That doesn't mean I think every parent should, of course it depends on the circumstances but I'm ok with it.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2018 19:49

Very good point, culture

Sometimes being the "bad guy" is actually advocating for our childten

fireflame · 10/02/2018 22:19

Teenagers (not all) omg I have been through this shit with DD
As parents they have a way of making us feel we are in the wrong
Not always the case
Sorry but I think it's the generation in many cases
I wouldn't allow this in my home with DD and boyfriend and yes it's about respect!
However my daughter moved out into a bloody hovel of a flat to be with him
Was shocked stunned and upset me 😳
He treated her like shit, again made me sad and full of guilt
Just knew he was a waster
She always worked and basically kept him
We helped out many times with shopping etc
After 2 years she got rid!
I just felt she was still my baby 👶

MsSquiz · 10/02/2018 23:23

My mum's rules when I was 16 was my BF was allowed to stay over but he slept in my bed and I slept in hers with her (lone parent) and when I was at his, I slept in his sisters bed if she was staying out, or I slept in his brother's bed and his brother slept on BFs bedroom floor.

The few times we fell asleep together (watching a film or whatever) my mum would come and wake me up, and the same for his parents at his house.

If we had broken the rules and spent the night in bed together, we wouldn't be allowed to stay over night the following week (only saw each other at weekend as we lived at opposite ends of the city and went to different schools)

I think I'd be exactly the same as our parents if I had a teenager

EducationCity · 11/02/2018 13:39

MsSquiz - I like your mum Smile.

MsSquiz · 11/02/2018 14:26

@EducationCity me too!
She passed away last year and it's like I am just starting to realise how right she was about a lot of stuff, like this

Frouby · 11/02/2018 14:38

When I was 16 my boyfriend was allowed to stay over and in my bed. At his parents house one of us had to be on the sofa.

I preferred his parents rule. Because I didn't always want to have sex but was scared of hurting his feelings. At his parents house there was no chance of sex happening.

Until your dd is of an age when she is sexually confident enough to say no then I would stick to your rule.

And if they break the rule then the consequences are he doesn't get to stay again.

giveitfive · 11/02/2018 14:45

Your house your rules. I do let mine share the room and that's simply because if they are going to get up to shenanigans (which I know they do), then it is under my roof in a safe environment.

What I got a bee in my bonnet about with the teenagers was not where they do it, or whether they do it, but whether they had full contraception lined up. Once that was covered I was fairly comfortable... albeit a little alarmed at how quickly they grew up.

Good luck OP. It's tough going through this.

beansbananas · 11/02/2018 15:19

God I dread the day when my daughter is a teenager and gets a serious boyfriend. I don't want her to have sex with anyone, let alone a horrible teenage boy who is clearly interested in other girls! If she had a boy staying in her room I'd find it impossible to think about anything else and it would make me paranoid and uncomfortable thinking they were shagging all the time! But you sound like you've handled it extremely well so far and it's amazing your daughter has been so open and honest with you. I think you should sit them both down and explain that whilst they are both consenting adults, he can't stay over if this happens again, as they have disrespected your rules and made you feel uncomfortable in your own home. You don't want her to start hiding things, so best to treat them like adults and with respect, even if they haven't respected you in this instance.

Original poster
Notcoolmum · 11/02/2018 15:59

Thanks beansbananas after some of the not to nice comments that means a lot.

And giveitfive dont they just grow up so fast. A year ago this would have been something I couldn't even have considered.

mssquiz so sorry that you lost your mum. She sounds fabulous xx

OP posts:
Lynrdskynrf · 11/02/2018 17:34

It can be difficult but if you FORBID something you only move it elsewhere. At least under your roof it is clean and accidents are less likely to happen. The alternative could be someone's dodgy flat or the back of a car. One way or another, short of locking someone up its going to happen.

perfectstorm · 11/02/2018 17:34

The fact the boy is interested in other girls would make me want a ban on overnights. Of course they'll do it elsewhere, but the reality is the bigger a part of her daily life and routine he is, the harder it will be for her to leave... and the longer it will take her to recover if he dumps her for someone else.

I have no moral angle on this. We all slept with our boyfriends as teens. But it was too young for me emotionally and messed me up quite a lot, and if I'd had more distance, it might have been less damaging. That's projecting, perhaps... but I think it's probably applicable to quite a lot of people. Emotions are so intense anyway as teenagers, so with sex in the mix too, it's very tempestuous. I'd want her home to be a sanctuary, with you the bad guy making the rule for her.

I mean, presumably this isn't ideal in terms of study focus, either - having a boy with a wandering eye in the house overnight a lot.

Jessikita · 11/02/2018 17:37

YOur rule is pointless if they’re having sex anyway. I don’t see what it achieves it just means they’ll have sex before midnight or times when you’re not there. Yes they were technically disrespectful but your rule makes no sense to me anyway