To not let 16 year old DD's BF sleep in her room

[Notcoolmum]

DD has just turned 16. She has been with her bf for 8 months. A few weeks ago I would have said he was a lovely lad however he's been caught out messaging other girls and I've lost all fondness for him.

He lives about 10 miles from us which has forced the issue of him staying over earlier than I would have liked. I have let him stay over as long as he is on the sofa by midnight and my DDs bedroom door is open at other times.

They are having sex as we have had a pregnancy scare and she now has the implant. I'm not happy about it (esp as she wasn't 16) and I have spoken to them both about respect, consent etc and asked his dad to speak to him too.

Last night he didn't go downstairs. I'm furious as this is against my house rules. It feels like a lack of respect from them both. I have spoken to her this morning and restated my rules and that we can review them once they have been together a year.

AIBU? They are both over the age of consent and clearly having sex. But letting him stay in her room feels very permissive and not something I'm yet comfortable with. And I'm annoyed they went against the rules last night.

Would really welcome views from parents of other teens.

[strawberryrum]

When I was 16 my mum used to let me stay over at my boyfriends house. But there were some rules, so not on a school night only on Fridays and Saturdays.
She even said you don't always have to go to his you know, he can stay here. But I felt too weird and cringey to have him stay over at my house. I don't think I would have been able to face my dad in the morning at that age!
But what stays with me is that my mum gave me her trust. She said that I was 16 now and had to take some responsibility for myself. She said that I could do 'grown up' things but I had to take responsibility for the consequences. I do feel that this helped me to become more responsible at a younger age. When other friends were doing more wild things I didn't get too involved as I knew the buck always stopped with me. I think the parents who 'banned' things almost spurred their kids on (in a way) to rebel more.
But alternatively if you really don't feel comfortable you could sit her down and explain why. She may respect you more for this than just feeling like it is a rule to rebel against.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I wouldn’t be having him to stay over. He lives 10 miles away. And? They are choosing to be together despite living a little distance away. What’s stopping them from seeing eachother in the day and taking the bus home in the evening? It is possible to have sex in the day.

I had a bf when I was 16/17, who lived the same sort of distance away. The relationship didn’t last long, but neither my parents nor his parents accommodated staying over. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask. Your dd is 16. But this is not yet an adult relationship and you’re somehow treating it as if it is.

[Appuskidu]

georgethehamster it's an hour plus journey (round trip) and I'd be alone in a v rough estate (his, not ours) so I'm not desperate to do that on a Friday/Saturday night

Why would it be your responsibility to get him home?!

[APlaceinTheCountry]

Pengwynn - Before you start preaching, what I meant was whatever it is the OP was trying to protect by asking the BF to stay on the couch (OP mentioned she wasn't happy her DD was underage at the time), that ship has sailed! the point is she knows they are already having sex so what is the point of asking him to sleep on the couch. That is regardless of wether he is messaging/sleeping with other girls.

[Worldsworstcook]

Hmmm would you still be feeling this way if he hadn't been texting other girls? If he stayed in your dd's bedroom but was the boy of 3 months ago?

Dd's boyfriend has been staying with us regularly in her room since she turned 17. I was shocked at DH being so liberal as he's strict on other things! But he's a lovely lad, she's protected also implant and pill, and we leave them to it. Never heard a noise!

[booellesmum]

I think my view would be pick your battles carefully.
They are already having sex so that's not going to change, just the when and where.
If you clash over this will she come to you for support if/when it all goes wrong or stay with him out of teenage stubbornness because you don't like him or not admit there are problems?
I was in a relationship at that age and I know I would rather my parents let him stay and been supportive rather than the living hell they actually made my teenage years.

[APlaceinTheCountry]

Pengwynn - Sleeping on the couch is a form of protection from unprotected sex? really? Please tell us more.

[AtSea1979]

I would stop him from sleeping over for a week or two. But if he lives on a ‘rough estate’ I would be happier my DD was at my house and not his. So I’d also ban DD from sleeping out for that week as well. Then I’d consider letting him sleep over in her room one night per week. How long until they’ve been together a year?

[APlaceinTheCountry]

Pengwynn - You're sounding more and more ridiculous.

[Moanaohnana]

You wouldn't be alone on a rough estate you would be in your car. Or you could say that he can only come over if his parents agree to pick him up. Or that he can't come over in the evenings, just during the day at weekends. And letting your daughter's boyfriend who cheats on her and doesn't respect her enough to use a condom stay over so you can have a drink is really crap. It just sounds like you know your boundaries have been really lax but you feel like you ought to draw the line somewhere and I think drawing it there - they aren't allowed to sleep in the same bed but can and are doing everything else, is a bit odd and I don't really blame them for not respecting it as it's just so arbitrary.

[Fairenuff]

He has probably been sneaking into her room in the night before, just never got caught yet but that's not the point. They agreed to a rule and they broke it. There has to be a consequence.

Tell them that him sleeping over isn't going to happen for a while. If he can't get himself home, then he can't come over. Tell them you will need some time to think about whether this will be permanent or whether you can trust them enough to stick to their agreements.

That'll have an impact on them.

Doing nothing won't.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[Oblomov18]

You need to talk to her again. He's not that into her, if he's messaging other girls. And thus, in the meantime condoms must be used.

[Ginger1982]

I wasn't allowed to even sleep with my fiancé in my mum's house and I was in my 30s!! But of course she knew we were having sex. It's your rules. Personally I would ban all sleep overs until your DD can prove she can respect you.

[italiancortado]

I don't understand the 'not under my roof' mentality that so many seem to have.

It's HER roof too. It's the one where place she should feel the most safe and comfortable, in the entire world.

[AnyFucker]

When I was 16 I had an abusive boyfriend

My room was my sanctuary, away from it (and of course no intrusion from social media in those days either)

If my parents had allowed sleepovers of course I would have said I wanted it. Because I was 16, in thrall to a lad who treated me badly and doing the Pick Me Dance

My parents didn't do all that much right...but on this they were spot on

Having this boy sleep in her personal space means she never gets distance nor perspective.

[Fairenuff]

Yes but she is not yet an adult so she doesn't get to set the rules in the house. Surely this is how most families operate?

[sanesera]

I would ban sleeping over completely.

[Fifthtimelucky]

I agree that your rules are not unreasonable and should be respected, but they don't seem very logical to me. If your daughter is going to have sex with her boyfriend, far better to do it in her own bed in a safe environment. And if they are going to have sex, why not allow them to sleep together afterwards? I don't understand the point of him having to sleep downstairs. I'm assuming your daughter has her own room and doesn't have to share with a sibling, which would be altogether different.

I also agree it is not your responsibility to get the boy home, if you decide not to let him stay, but (assuming he is a similar age to your daughter) you cannot just push him out of the door at midnight and leave him to it.

I felt uncomfortable the first few times my children had boyfriends staying over but the first time it happened for me, my daughter was 18 and back with her boyfriend from university so it would have seemed unreasonable to refuse. 16 is young, but she is still over the age of consent.

Whether you like the boy is irrelevant, I think, unless he is a bad influence in other ways (eg drugs or abusive). You can warn your child about his behaviour, but ultimately it's her decision whether to carry on seeing him. Sometimes parents just need to let children make their own mistakes and be around to help pick up the pieces. Not easy, obviously.

[Notcoolmum]

Wow moanaohnana you are a delight aren't you. Thank you so much for your input.

To everyone else, seriously thank you for your views. You have all helped me to feel my gut reaction is appropriate, even if it is a little wonky. Xxx

[Mxyzptlk]

I wonder if he forced the issue of staying in her room? He has less to lose in upsetting you than she does. And she really should know that him messaging other girls is wrong and she deserves to be treated with respect always.

Messaging other girls/women is usually a LTB situation on here.
Has he stopped doing that? Is your DD trying to hang on to him by providing easily available sex?

[Mxyzptlk]

letting your daughter's boyfriend who cheats on her and doesn't respect her enough to use a condom stay over so you can have a drink is really crap.
Moanaohnana has a point, there.