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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My daughter's dog. (Fast becoming mine ) do not want the responsibility

213 replies

Littleoldme52 · 10/02/2018 00:39

Hi all
Know it's late but am in real need of advice.
My DD brought her puppy four years ago in July of this year.
I was against it as we live in a flat.
Within two days she had "separation issues" so her boyfriend's parents took him on. They have a house with a garden.
Coco would then stay with us one night in the week and then at weekends.
That was fine . Then my daughters boyfriend's parents sold up and moved away so coco and her boyfriend came to live with us. Love him to death.
All still fine, daughters boyfriend was brilliant walking him before work, after work, clearing up after him etc.
Daughter and her boyfriend (of 8years) broke up and he moved out 😞
So , here is my dilemma. Daughter has never really been responsible for her dog. Bearing in mind he lived with her boyfriend and his parents for the first 3 years.
Coco is now at ours full time. My daughter has met a new boyfriend and is barely here, so I am left looking after her dog. I live in a flat, I have poop bags on my balcony 😡
I am the one that feeds him, polishes the furniture after he jumps all over it. Has to let him in and out all blinking night. He is hard work. He is a cocker spaniel so he needs lots of exercise and he is not getting it.
I get so frustrated with him and it's not fair because he is such a lovely dog.
But ( I will get condemned for this) he is not my dog or my responsibility.
Just to add I have RA so get very tired after work

OP posts:

ElsieMc · 10/02/2018 10:28

Oh *Lightdrizzle" you speak the unpalateable truth, particularly in my case!

SukiTheDog · 10/02/2018 10:33

Your daughter doesn’t know how to care for another. In this case, it’s a dog. Rehome. It’s the kindest thing for the animal.

UgandanKnuckles · 10/02/2018 10:34

Dog groomer here, and I have never met or heard of a groomer that couldn't take their dog to work.

SukiTheDog · 10/02/2018 10:34

Also, you can’t say “my daughter’s dog, fast becoming mine”. This poor dog has been passed around and never been truly wanted, seems to me.

TerfyMcTerface · 10/02/2018 10:35

If you're going to re-home, I'd recommend Spaniel Aid.

Maggiewashere · 10/02/2018 10:40

Stop making excuses for your daughter. Loving a dog doesn't mean giving it a cuddle on the few occasions you're at home. She's been very selfish.

The best thing you can do is get the poor dog rehomed through a breed rescue if possible, but otherwise, as suggested, the Dogs' Trust. He'll be rehomed very quickly I should think.

I wouldn't bother giving her an ultimatum. She's proved over several years that she's unfit to have a dog.

TryAgainAndAgain · 10/02/2018 10:41

First things first. She has to clean the balcony!

Then I'd consider trying to find the dog a new home.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2018 10:41

I’ve read all of your posts, but not all the replies.

It’s a shame your daughters Ex is going travelling in Australia.

Why can’t she take Coco to work with her & to her boyfriends?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2018 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dizzybacon · 10/02/2018 10:53

Sorry but your little princess is not considering you or the dog and is just being selfish. Paying for the insurance, food etc just makes her feel better and that she is ‘doing her bit’

Many of us work, have relationships etc. My life wasn’t so hectic when I took on my two horses, two dogs, two cats and six chickens. As an adult I could foresee that lifestyles change. (Your daughter obviously didn’t think about the future when she took the pup on) but in no way do I leave my animals for someone else to look after. I work them around my busy lifestyle and so your daughter should do the same

NotAnotherEmma · 10/02/2018 10:58

Wait she's 24 and can't take care of her own fucking dog? I thought initially that your daughter was in her mid teens. She seriously needs to grow the hell up. She's living with her Mom and doesn't even take care of her own pet at 24 years old. That's beyond pathetic.

SilkieAndMoonface · 10/02/2018 11:04

Your subsequent post paints a different picture to your OP, and I think some PP are only responding to the implication in your OP that the dog doesn't get walked at all - the dog gets two outings a day totalling an hour. Not ideal, for a spaniel, but at 4 years old it should be adequate if other needs are met. I know, plenty of people say their spaniel needs 6 miles running (isn't 6 miles about an hour and a half? at average walking pace of 4 miles an hour?) a day, or 4 hours walking, or whatever, but tbh dogs get used to however much you give them to a point, and if you give your dog 3 hours a day it'll need that much, their fitness increases to need it. If the dog walker is doing a good job and the walk in the evening is at a good clip, the dog is getting 4 or 5 miles exercise a day at the moment. I'd be looking at what ELSE the problem might be.

My suggestion would be:

ask your daughter about taking the dog to work with her
get her to up the dog walker's visit to an hour a day and/or the walk in the evening as much as she can and/or she pops in before work and gives the dog 20 minutes power walk
train the dog to toilet on his walks
get a halti head collar so you can take the dog outside to toilet first thing and last thing without using the balcony
daughter must scrub the balcony with enzymatic cleaner to remove the smell so the dog won't be drawn back there to toilet
look up Canine Enrichment on FB or google - I suspect this dog is unsettled and understimulated, and a few things each day like a kong, licky mat, snuffle mat, and pigs ear or similar to chew would make a huge difference. A DAP diffuser might help too.

Poor pup doesn't need rehoming if you and daughter are willing to just make a few small changes.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2018 11:10

Sorry.

Stop thinking about your selfish brat of a daughter and rehome the dog.

And start learning to say No to her. She's too old to be a Princess.

justilou1 · 10/02/2018 11:17

Katie needs to learn some empathy. You have been really sick. WTF did Katie do? She left you in charge of her very needy dog.

Both the dog and Katie need to be rehomed.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2018 11:24

You talk a lot about love. I see very little love.

I see an unloved dog whose owner can’t be arsed to walk or spend time with.

I see a point daughter who doesn’t give a shit about her mums health r home by dumping the dog on her.

I see a mum who doesn’t care enough about the dog to sort it out as it will upset her princess daughter when that would actually be the best for everyone.

The whole situation is crying out for someone, other than the poor dog, to show some real love.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/02/2018 11:25

Princess daughter

Failingat40 · 10/02/2018 11:38

Your daughter has been very thoughtless and unfair.

The dog will be better off in a new home with a garden and someone who can physically walk him.

Contact Spaniel Aid Uk for advice. The sooner the better.

Finderscrispy · 10/02/2018 17:10

the op said a few posts in that the dog is walked twice a day.
Once by dog walker, in the afternoon and then by her daughter after work.
I think some posters on here have been very harsh and unfair on the poster and her daughter. If the daughter is guilty of anything it is not researching the breed properly before taking it on. She isn’t the first and doubt she’ll be the last unfortunately.
It sounds like although you are both trying to do right by the dog, the current set up isn’t working and you need to look at some of the other suggestions that have been made re training, getting daughter to take dog to work etc.. to see if that helps.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 10/02/2018 17:44

The op said a few posts in that the dog is walked twice a day.
Once by dog walker, in the afternoon and then by her daughter after work.

Yes - and she also said, in her OP:

He is a cocker spaniel so he needs lots of exercise and he is not getting it.

And she also keeps repeatedly saying that she can't re-home him because it would "break" her DD's heart. Yet her DD is expecting her Mum - who is ill and has a chronic and painful condition affecting her hands - to do all the shit work. In this case quite literally if OP is the one having to clean up after the dog.

Plus the fact that the DD works as a dog groomer is bloody ironic! I don't know a single groomer who doesn't take their dog to work with them - it's one of the perks of the job. I see very little evidence of her trying to do right by the dog - because if she really was, then she would have recognised the fact that her set-up was not right for the dog and re-homed him when her Ex moved out. But from day one she's made the dog someone else's problem, so it's hardly surprising that she's making a minimal effort now - and in the meantime the dog and OP are suffering as a result.

Finderscrispy · 10/02/2018 18:54

dailymail yes and everyone has just waded in with insults to both the op and her daughter. How has that helped the situation. Unsurprisingly the op hasn’t returned?

It seems unlikely that the op will rehome the dog given the fact she has clearly stated daughter will be heart broken and I think a lot of commenters appear to have overlooked the ‘walked twice a day’ update, in their enthusiasm to condemn the op and her daughter.

It sounds to me like the daughter does care for the dog, why else would she pay for a dog walker and walk the dog herself if she couldn’t give a toss. clearly more needs to be done, but situation is workable with a bit more effort on the part of the daughter.

Toilet training, so dog goes out when walking instead of using balcony and toys, chews to stop destructive behaviour. Etc

The 2 main issues the op has, that are both very fixable.

Perhaps posters could offer some practical solutions instead of just insults.

For info. sister has a working spaniel - nice house with big garden. The dog is taken on lengthy walks twice a day, but still howls to go back out 5 minutes after returning home. Because they are-bloody hard work and not for everyone.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 10/02/2018 20:42

Posters have offered a practical solution - to re-home the dog with a person who actually wants to look after it properly and who has the time to dedicate to the dog!

I grew up with spaniels (and other working dogs) so I have direct experience of just how much exercise, stimulation and training they need. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2018 21:36

The 2 main issues the op has, that are both very fixable.

Yes. Rehome the dog

Perhaps posters could offer some practical solutions instead of just insults.

We did. Rehome the dog

Exactly. Rehome the dog

RandomMess · 10/02/2018 21:44

Completely the wrong breed for your DDs lifestyle I really think rehoming is the only option

TryAgainAndAgain · 10/02/2018 22:07

Both the dog and Katie need to be rehomed

👍🏻 This made me laugh. Although I've got to admit it's sound advice.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 22:16

I think a lot of commenters appear to have overlooked the ‘walked twice a day’ update

For 30 minutes each time. For a working cocker spaniel. It’s derisory- it’s just not enough, and the OP knows it. Why doesn’t the daughter, if she works with dogs?

The OP’s “main issues” can’t be fixed easily, because to fix them she would need to take responsibility fir the fix- who’s going to toilet train the dog to go on walks? Who’s going to tire it out “with chews and toys”?

Spaniels need mental stimulation as much as physical- brain games, jobs to do. A small home environment with a disinterested owner & a main carer who is physically challenged is just not the right situation for a young dog.

So bad luck the daughter will be upset because she “loves him”. Love in itself actually doesn’t have much correlation to being a good dog owner.

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