Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter's dog. (Fast becoming mine ) do not want the responsibility

213 replies

Littleoldme52 · 10/02/2018 00:39

Hi all
Know it's late but am in real need of advice.
My DD brought her puppy four years ago in July of this year.
I was against it as we live in a flat.
Within two days she had "separation issues" so her boyfriend's parents took him on. They have a house with a garden.
Coco would then stay with us one night in the week and then at weekends.
That was fine . Then my daughters boyfriend's parents sold up and moved away so coco and her boyfriend came to live with us. Love him to death.
All still fine, daughters boyfriend was brilliant walking him before work, after work, clearing up after him etc.
Daughter and her boyfriend (of 8years) broke up and he moved out 😞
So , here is my dilemma. Daughter has never really been responsible for her dog. Bearing in mind he lived with her boyfriend and his parents for the first 3 years.
Coco is now at ours full time. My daughter has met a new boyfriend and is barely here, so I am left looking after her dog. I live in a flat, I have poop bags on my balcony 😡
I am the one that feeds him, polishes the furniture after he jumps all over it. Has to let him in and out all blinking night. He is hard work. He is a cocker spaniel so he needs lots of exercise and he is not getting it.
I get so frustrated with him and it's not fair because he is such a lovely dog.
But ( I will get condemned for this) he is not my dog or my responsibility.
Just to add I have RA so get very tired after work

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/02/2018 08:41

She is not a princess. She is a selfish, self-centred woman who has got very used to others doing everything for her and the poor dog deserves better.

LakieLady · 10/02/2018 08:43

Rehome the dog through cocker spaniel rescue. That way he will go to a home that know and understand the breed and are prepared to put in all the hard work that a high energy breed needs.

Spaniels are bred to work all day in the field. To think of a cocker cooped up all day in a flat breaks my heart.

Creatureofthenight · 10/02/2018 08:44

Yes I agree with others, let the ex-bf know that you’re going to rehome the dog and see what he says. If he’s not able to take him then tell your daughter you are starting the rehoming process if she doesn’t step up immediately. If she really loves him she will start being responsible and look after him rather than lose him. She is being unfair to you and the dog at the moment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 08:45

Katie loves coco in the same way as my 9 yo loves our dog. It’s not the love of an adult, who wants to love, protect and nurture their animal. Your daughter is an adult. At that age many people have children.

I had a pet dog I rescued from someone, who sounds like Katie. I was 20/21. The guy was a friend of my then boyfriend and went to his home country. The dog was in kennels for 6 weeks when he’d only had him 3 weeks. It broke my heart but I could do nothing as I was going abroad for a placement and couldn’t take him with me. My ex went and got him out of kennels and looked after him until I came and took him permanently.

I tried putting the dog in kennels once when I went away for a few days years later. He refused to eat the entire time I was away (4 days). I didn’t know this until I collected him. He decided it was better to die than to be abandoned again. He was mine and I was his. He was my first dog and even at 21 I never would have treated him the way Katie is treating coco.

GoatPavlova · 10/02/2018 08:50

She may have been a little princess but she’s now a 24 year old adult. As you’ve discovered puppies do not remain cute bundles of fur; they grow into dogs that need care and attention. A cocker is not ideally suited to a flat with minimal exercise.
I would start the rehoming process and if she doesn’t like it she can step in and take responsibility.

supersop60 · 10/02/2018 08:51

I agree with PP.
Love is something you do, not just something you feel.
Your DD is also not being loving to you, expecting you to do this with your health challenges.
There are loads of people out there who really want a dog.

MrsBobDylan · 10/02/2018 08:52

Agree with pp that your dd is no princess. This makes me so angry...she bought a puppy, managed for 2 nights and gave him away because he had separation anxiety. She's either selfish or really stupid that at 20 years old she couldn't read up about what a puppy needs.

I feel really sorry for you op, but you need to stop considering your daughter's feelings in all this since she really isn't thinking about anyone but herself.

Re-home the dog, he deserves someone who wants to be his owner 24/7.

UrsulaPandress · 10/02/2018 08:54

Or try Spaniel Aid UK.

MrsBobDylan · 10/02/2018 08:55

Oh and brace yourself if your dd has children...if she cannot stick two nights of a puppy with separation anxiety, she's going to collapse under the weight of her own selfishness with a crying baby...

anothernetter · 10/02/2018 09:00

Ask your daughter to come up with the solution. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her animal. You have only just recovered from pneumonia and you were having to care for her dog - does she actually ever think about you?? She sounds very self centred. It sounds like the dog would be better off with the ex boyfriend although you say he is going away to Australia for a year. Is there any way he could adopt the dog and his parents look after it in his absence? I know that would mean that they are doing the same as you have been for your daughter (I.e looking after their child's dog)?- but it would only be until he returns from Aus and it sounds like they live in a house with a garden which would be more suitable for the dogs needs. It sounds like the ex BF is fond of the dog - he must care for it if he is spending an hour with it every weekend.

AnnaMagnani · 10/02/2018 09:04

Please rehome the dog.

If your daughter really loved the dog, really loved him, she would put his needs first - make time for him, actually not get an active dog that isn't suited to living in a flat in the first place, be walking him for hours every day, pay his vet's bills etc etc.

What she loves is the idea of the dog and that he looks cute.

Coco deserves to live with a truly loving owner who understands his needs and will put him first.

shockthemonkey · 10/02/2018 09:07

Your daughter has zero rights in this situation and you should not give her "feelings" a minute's thought.

Could the dog-walking be significantly upped so that the poor thing gets out for two hours daily, with other dogs and lots of running and chasing?

Obviously your daughter must pay for this from her own hard-earned money.

If not, then re-homing for sure, and not a peep from your selfish daughter.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/02/2018 09:10

I feel for you but you are letting your daughter walk all over you. It does no good for anyone. She is being selfish and irresponsible. We all work hard it doesn’t excuse that kind of behaviour.

barefoofdoctor · 10/02/2018 09:12

YANBU to regime it.

floriad · 10/02/2018 09:15

Would the ex bf want coco if he wasn't travelling?

If so could his parents or another friend have him for a year and then the ex have him on his return?
That's a good suggestion imo.

If the dog lived at his parents'... Do they miss the dog? Would they like to have him back?

diddl · 10/02/2018 09:16

She might love the dog-but she doesn't care enough to not neglect it!

Would/could the exes parents have the dog?

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 10/02/2018 09:18

@MummyOfLittleDragon You sound like you were in my current situation.

I'm mid-20s, working full time, business trips, renting... it doesn't sound like the recipe for successful dog ownership. But I've taken on a dog that I already know very well from a friend who's emigrating (was already looking after him most days, now it's formalised). One of his previous owners abandoned him after 6/8 weeks. I make sacrifices - I don't go to after work drinks (or anything else after work), my money is spent on training classes, good quality food and toys, my weekends are spent walking him. I have spent many long, cold, dark, rainy and frankly boring evenings throwing balls for him in the park (walking in the daytime is fun, after dark fetch isn't!)

When I go away for work he's goes to my DFather (who adores him) but that's something where it's for a set period of time, all sundries provided, and if he is unavailable he goes to a professional dog sitter and I spend the £££.

The key difference between you & I and the OP's daughter is a willingness to make sacrifices and put the dog's needs first.

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 10/02/2018 09:19

I'd consider rehoming the DD.

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dragongirl10 · 10/02/2018 09:23

Sorry OP but you are treating your adult daughter like a child so she is behaving like one.

We bought my Ds a Cocker Spaniel puppy for his 10th birthday last August, he asked for a dog for 2 years,

he gets up on his own at 6am takes pup out in the garden, wipes his paws, feeds him, plays and watches him until DD and l arrive downstairs at 7am.

Ds has breakfast, then takes pup for 20 minute local walk before school, then l take over,

evenings Ds is responsible for feeding, letting him in and out, and does 20 mins training each evening without being told.

Today, it is raining and 3 degrees and DS and DH have gone to the woods for an hour and a half run with puppy, without any moans from DS.

Stop making excuses for your DD she is an adult, who is being unkind to you and her dog, for which she is fully responsible.

Cocker spaniels need 2 hours off lead every day, and lots of stimulation, l feel angry at your DD for selfishly getting a puppy without proper consideration of its needs.

MsHarry · 10/02/2018 09:23

There are people out there that will give this dog a happy home with lots of exercise. it's the right thing to do. Your DD can have a dog when her situation is right.

CotswoldStrife · 10/02/2018 09:23

Is this for real? A dog groomer who can't take her dog to work with her?

MsHarry · 10/02/2018 09:25

It's not real love because she is actually arising harm to her dog. if she loved him she wouldn't.

MsHarry · 10/02/2018 09:26

causing not arising.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2018 09:29

@AvocadosBeforeMortgages
I was at university at the time so I had to go abroad as part of my degree as it was a language course. And yes, I sacrificed a lot for my dog. Of course. Twice daily walks come rain or shine and all the rest. Dh and I (then dp) ended up moving really close to my mother and she started collecting the dog and walking him in the afternoon. But before she offered, once I got full time work, I used to go home at lunchtime and given him a quick run around. I only managed to be with him for about 20 minutes due to the drive time there and back but it broke up the day. And obviously I continued to do this if my mother was away or ill.

Swipe left for the next trending thread