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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter's dog. (Fast becoming mine ) do not want the responsibility

213 replies

Littleoldme52 · 10/02/2018 00:39

Hi all
Know it's late but am in real need of advice.
My DD brought her puppy four years ago in July of this year.
I was against it as we live in a flat.
Within two days she had "separation issues" so her boyfriend's parents took him on. They have a house with a garden.
Coco would then stay with us one night in the week and then at weekends.
That was fine . Then my daughters boyfriend's parents sold up and moved away so coco and her boyfriend came to live with us. Love him to death.
All still fine, daughters boyfriend was brilliant walking him before work, after work, clearing up after him etc.
Daughter and her boyfriend (of 8years) broke up and he moved out 😞
So , here is my dilemma. Daughter has never really been responsible for her dog. Bearing in mind he lived with her boyfriend and his parents for the first 3 years.
Coco is now at ours full time. My daughter has met a new boyfriend and is barely here, so I am left looking after her dog. I live in a flat, I have poop bags on my balcony 😡
I am the one that feeds him, polishes the furniture after he jumps all over it. Has to let him in and out all blinking night. He is hard work. He is a cocker spaniel so he needs lots of exercise and he is not getting it.
I get so frustrated with him and it's not fair because he is such a lovely dog.
But ( I will get condemned for this) he is not my dog or my responsibility.
Just to add I have RA so get very tired after work

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 10/02/2018 09:30

OP I’ve reported your posts where you make your daughter as this thread is already very identifiable.

SuburbanRhonda · 10/02/2018 09:30
  • name your daughter
GabriellaMontez · 10/02/2018 09:32

Take care of yourself and the dog (because your daughter certainly isn't going to ) by having him rehomed.

I'd give her a short warning eg 1 week. But that's up to you.

Don't let her treat you (and dog) like this anymore.

alotalotalot · 10/02/2018 09:34

Tell her she needs to shape up or ship the dog out.

JustVent · 10/02/2018 09:36

Coco a boy dog?

So you don’t want to upset your daughter by asking her to look after the dog or rehoming it.

More fool you.

Orchardgreen · 10/02/2018 09:38

OP's daughter isn't called Coco.....

Dahlietta · 10/02/2018 09:40

The OP gives the daughter's name too, Orchardgreen and her jobs and specific hours!

deste · 10/02/2018 09:43

Same here but I do have a big garden, like people have said, if I had wanted a dog I would have bought one. He comes to me in the morning and goes home after work, sometimes. He won’t sleep all night at hers but does with us so we sometimes have him overnight so she can catch up on sleep. We pay for his expensive food and all his grooming. I also take him for long walks. I refuse to take him to the vet because he doesn’t like it and he scares me when he is there. She pays for his pet plan and that’s about it. The thing that annoys me is that the minute she comes in the door I’m forgotten, when I’m the one who cares for him. When out for a walk I could guarantee 80% of the people I meet are doing exactly the same, it’s never their dog.

ilovesooty · 10/02/2018 09:44

The dog needs to be rejoined for its own welfare. Stop wringing your hands and tell your spoilt selfish daughter exactly that.

ElsieMc · 10/02/2018 09:48

I would rehome your dog. My dd left her dog with me when she went to Uni and I looked after her. But she became very ill and when I took her to the vets it was clear that the only kind option was pts. I was left with the decision and I felt incredibly guilty. My dd was very upset but uncontactable at the time. I felt I could not bear to bring her home with me then return her to the vets as she was suffering.

A few years on, I took on two working cocker spaniels by way of rehome. The house was so empty without a dog. The owner came to visit us twice (6 hour round trip). We wanted to take them straightaway, but she wanted to visit again. She was newly separated and had a new long hours job. I honestly think she thought she could make it work. Both parties have been lucky.

Working cockers have a bit of a bad rep but they are quick learners. Soon realised that it was not their right to jump all over the furniture and beds. They don't wander. They are very annoying, funny, happy, loving boys who get us out and about. I would not change anything. We have had them two years.

I would perhaps speak to a breed specialist centre first but I would go for the rehome route. Do not feel guilty where your dd is concerned. This is just another stress for you to undertake particularly when you have been ill. There are plenty of people out there who would like to take on an older dog op particularly such a popular breed.

JaneEyre70 · 10/02/2018 09:55

There is a brilliant rescue called Spaniel Assist (www.spanielassist.com) or also www.caessr.org.uk - both spaniel specific rescues that have an army of willing foster carers and adopters. Cockers are very intelligent and active dogs, mine gets around 6 miles a day of off lead running and he's still a bundle of energy. Keeping it cooped up in a flat is cruel and unnecessary, find it a home where it will get the love and attention it deserves. You've done nothing wrong, but your daughter should be ashamed of herself and don't let her get another when she can't be arsed with it. It's very rightly not your responsibility, and your home so make her deal with it.

LightDrizzle · 10/02/2018 09:57

Are you worried deep down that your daughter will reject you if you put your foot down? Think about the implications of that.

Just as your daughter is obviously very good at the “Oh but I love Prince! He’s my precious boy aren’t you Prince? Yes he is!” - whilst totally mistreating him (neglect is mistreatment), I dare say she’s good at scattering “Love you so much Mum!” crumbs in your direction, such a sunny girl as she is. However neither your wishes nor requests, your pneumonia, nor your fall have caused her enough concern to actually take care of her own damn dog.

Other people with demanding jobs or shift work get up in the dark in winter to take their dogs out for their first walk; they either get home lunchtime to take them out, have someone at home, or pay for dog walker of daycare during the day. They take the dog for another walk after work and take it out last thing at night. If they have a bulldog; the walks might he 20 minutes max, if they have a dalmatian or spaniel; walks will be around an hour long. She can walk the dog before going out to see her boyfriend, who should have been aware from the outset that she had a dog so had to fit things around him. What do you think other single parents or single dog owners do when they meet a new partner? Dump the baby/dog in the nearest available person and act like they have no ties?

LizardMonitor · 10/02/2018 09:58

Sorry, OP, this is ridiculous.

Your Dd suffers from anxiety...except about the welfare of her dog.

You find it hard to upset her, over something she should realise for herself and CAN take responsibility for, but are happy to condemn an innocent animal to a life of cooped up misery?

TELL your Dd that you are havjng the dog responsibly re-homed.

Finderscrispy · 10/02/2018 09:58

A flat for a dog is not and ideal set up, but do you have toy and chews for the dog to keep it occupied, so it’s not chewing your home furnishings ? It also sounds like it needs toilet training, To encourage going when out walking and not on balcony.

If daughter is a dog groomer, can she not take dog to work to break the day up for it.

I would also insist that she takes dog out with her to new boyfriends, if she’s just hanging out at his place.

Failing that you might be best to rehome. They are working dogs and need tonnes of exercise and stimulation.

ScrumpyBetty · 10/02/2018 10:04

I hope you manage to have a conversation with your daughter today. Be firm With her and state your position and how you feel! Good luck. I feel for you, a very difficult situation you are in.

UpstartCrow · 10/02/2018 10:05

Contact a breed rescue and ask for advice, but you cant legally rehome someone else's dog. Its theft.
You have to convince her to sign the dog over.

RedialCallHold · 10/02/2018 10:08

I would give the ex/his parents first refusal, if they can't or won't have the dog then I'd tell my daughter the dog will not be allowed in the flat as of March 1st, give her the details of the dogs trust tell her to move out with the dog or get him rehomed.
It's not fair on your or the poor dog. Please don't feel any guilt over this, your daughter is the one who's created this situation.

Babyroobs · 10/02/2018 10:13

would your daughter consider paying for a local dog walker to come in daily and give him a good walk ? if she won't and she won't look after him herself then there is no choice but to re-home him.

Love51 · 10/02/2018 10:15

Everyone is focusing on the fact she is neglecting the dog. There is less emphasis on the fact that she is mistreating you OP. She isn't considering the impact that her choices have on you. I would give her a set time (5 days?) To come up with a plan for the dog or you will rehome him. If you wanted a dog, you would have got a dog! You didn't want a dog (because of all the responsibility that comes with it) and she should respect that!

Gabilan · 10/02/2018 10:16

[she] does love coco, she just has no time for him

I got a dog when I was 13 and had a better understanding of what loving an animal actually means than your DD does now. As pp have said, by definition if you love an animal, you make time for them. That means changing your life around. That's what love is.

LizardMonitor · 10/02/2018 10:18

I agree that you have a right to protect your own interests in this, Your Dd has no right to run your life for you, which she is effectively doing by leaving you in role as dog foster owner!

Who pays for all his food?

bengalcat · 10/02/2018 10:18

How about her paying for a dog walker if you're otherwise happy to keep the dog ?

Gide · 10/02/2018 10:18

Coco a boy dog? I know Coco the horse, big lump of a boy.

Re-home to ex bf’s parents, they had him for three years and must be invested in him.

I echo what pp have said, your dd is being a cow, sorry, OP. If she kicks off, tough shit, she’s being grossly unfair to you and the poor bloody dog. I have a spaniel and there’s no way he’d cope in a flat.

supersop60 · 10/02/2018 10:18

babyroobs - a dog walker comes twice a day.

lougle · 10/02/2018 10:21

Why isn't she taking her dog to work if she's a dog groomer? Every dog groomer I've met has their own dog in a safe area, precisely so they can take their dog out for walks/toileting/fussing between clients.