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Original poster

Women working out of the home condem other women

307 replies

restofthetimes · 09/02/2018 07:40

....to caring for their children. For low pay. (Albeit very expensive childcare for the end user? ie a working couple one of whose wages possibly only just covers childcare fees.... leaving them with effectively one income again)

This is the reality. The number of men caring for the children hasn’t gone up as the number of women working out of the home has.

In an ideal world, would there be an equal number of sahds to sahms? Or should we force more men into paid childcare jobs. I don’t know the statistics, but it seems men just don’t want to work in that area. So women bear the brunt again.

It all seems weird .

OP posts:
QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:04

You came to thread fighting and attacking when not one person attacked you .
Lots of us have SAH,worked PT ,FT and shared care etc but you just keep banging on with your agenda -you actually told us what we would say next (DH/secretary) when no one said anything of the sort.
I have experience of the downside if SAHP -seeing my colleagues stress about their old age .
Why not bring something useful to the debate other than theHmm face and accusations.
If you have a financial plan for your old age in place,why not share it with others (presuming you have?)
Threads always go this way,discussion followed by accusations (usually unfounded ) that everyone hates SAHP Confused

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:06

Sorry that was to Francine

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/02/2018 09:17

Your OP is confused and directionless.

My DH was a stay at home Dad.

My neighbour is a childminder and makes more than I do, it's not a low paid job if you have more than one child to mind and are also saving on your own childcare costs.

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 09:18

This is a crazy thread now because you can't compare one family to another. The only thing anyone is qualified to pass comment on is their own circumstances. As for the "your DH is bound to run off with the more stimulating women he works with," - well, if a man is the type to cheat he will do, regardless of his job or whether his wife is a SAHM Confused. I estimate 80% of women I know are SAHMs and I know of only one divorce in the last 15 years, so that's a far lower ratio than the 1 in 3 national average.

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:23

Lots of people have affairs and divorce.
SAHP are often in relationships because they have no earning power/ cant leave.
Im not talking high earner families just average ones.
Relationships breaking down affects those involved but moreso someone who has no way of supporting themselves.
It makes them vulnerable if they cant support themselves if you stand to get 3 million it doesnt really apply to you

NataliaOsipova · 12/02/2018 09:32

If you're happy with your life choices why try to take the moral high ground when there isn't one?

Most sensible comment on this thread. People have different circumstances. They have different priorities. If you can't afford to work, the position of someone who, at the other end of the spectrum, can afford not to work, is anathema to you. If you love your job you feel differently about it from someone who sees it as a means to a monetary end. Some people think it's more important to see two parents working; others think it's more important to have a parent as the primary carer. But there's little point in arguing about it. And - at the end of the day - as long as you and your family are happy with the choices you make for your family, who cares what anyone else thinks?

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 09:33

Bandit- well yes, but even then it comes down to the type of man you were married to. You could have been working all those years, only to find your DH has squirrelled away assets and wriggles out if paying CM as far as possible. Or you could be with a man who wouldn't dream seeing his children lose their home or have their lifestyle disrupted. It's attitude as much as income, I think.

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:36

Considering I manage all our finances and we have a joint account thats not likely although yes that can happen.
The bottom line is you will always be in a better position (as the average person) if you can support yourself.

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 09:40

I think if you were worried about how you would support yourself in the event if divorce, the bottom line is, you probably wouldn't be a SAHM at all! Or maybe you would do it for a year or two, but not long-term.

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:40

Intetesting-parental leave on the news.
Only 2% of men took it despite being eligble

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:41

Really ?
Lots of women SAH and are super frugal to make that happen and survive on one salary.

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 09:44

Bandit - quite possibly, but then that's their life and their priorities.

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 09:49

Are you in a high earning family ?
You dont seem to understand what a difficult issue this is for lots of women on divorce/relationship breakdown.

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 09:59

I'm sure it is a very difficult issue for many women in divorce / relationship breakdown, but obviously they must have thought it was a risk worth taking or they wouldn't have put themselves in that position.
Again, you can't generalise because some women will find it relatively easy to get back into the workplace if they need to, even after a significant gap, depending on what the previous industry was or their qualifications. Some WOHM may have been on a minimal wage anyway and will struggle on that as a single salary. Maybe their salary won't cover the childcare? Risk is all relative and not purely about whether you work or not.

Catinthebath · 12/02/2018 10:05

I estimate 80% of women I know are SAHMs and I know of only one divorce in the last 15 years, so that's a far lower ratio than the 1 in 3 national average

Possibly reflective of the fact they don’t have the means to support themselves if they did divorce

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 10:06

That's not true Cat.

QuiteCleanBandit · 12/02/2018 10:07

If a WOHM is on NMW then they will be eligble for benefits/ help with CC.

Babbitywabbit · 12/02/2018 10:58

It’s so boring when people ask that same question- why bother working when childcare costs wipe out one salary?
I wish the people who keep asking it would just READ the threads and retain the answers!

  • because many people enjoy their work and don’t want to stop when they become a parent
-career progression -doing a socially essential or desirable job -pension -because stepping out of work would limit their opportunities in the medium /long term

Now, none of those reasons may apply to you Personally, but is it really so hard to get your head round the fact that they do apply to many of us? We love and nurture our children every bit as much as parents who don’t work; it’s not a competition; we just want to combine parenting with working. And while we’re on the subject, not all of us would hate to be a SAHP, or would find it incredibly boring/hardest job ever/unfulfilling.
I can quite honestly say I’ve never found spending time with my children boring. Exhausting at times, and worrying, and frustrating and all the other things which go with raising 3 children to adulthood- but never dull. I’m quite sure that I could have managed parenting and running a home without working as well! But like many other women (and men!) I chose to work too. Honest to god, it’s not that hard to understand.

Damnthatonestaken · 12/02/2018 13:10

Maybe because you attack women and not men, francineperko.

My dh and i both work part time, please tell me which of us 'raises' our kidsBiscuit

FrancinePefko · 12/02/2018 15:38

Catinthebath

It’s not hard to see that getting stimulating conversation in the workplace turns heads. I know of 3 relationships that ended with the men later forming new relationships with women in the same industry

Just to balance the anecdotes...I know of three WOHM where the Dad was earning less so decided to become the SAHD.. In all three cases, the wives / female partners have told me that they simply don't have any sexual attraction for their DPs any more...

FrancinePefko · 12/02/2018 15:43

Damnthatonestaken
My dh and i both work part time, please tell me which of us 'raises' our kids

Wait. This might take me a while to work out...Could it possibly be, now here's a wild guess, both of you? By any chance?

BTW I think (hope) it is going to be both for any couple - regardless of the hours they work. The relative share can differ depending on the day of the week / time of the day / night.

Catinthebath · 12/02/2018 16:43

Just to balance the anecdotes...I know of three WOHM where the Dad was earning less so decided to become the SAHD.. In all three cases, the wives / female partners have told me that they simply don't have any sexual attraction for their DPs any more...

Francine I think your anecdote endorses rather than balances mine, though I realise you believe this argument is about women criticising other women. If my partner was a SAHD, I think I’d struggle to find him interesting

1ndig0 · 12/02/2018 18:41

Cat - believe it or not, some people are a lot more interesting than their jobs! I'm exactly the same person whether working or not (as is everyone). You can get depressed at home, you can get depressed at work. I would say my husband and I are a lot closer for having our different "roles" as such. He has always preferred it that way and so have I because it's just easier. I have more time to do other "interesting" things and so does he.

AHungryMum · 12/02/2018 19:07

Not read the full thread but I find the basic premise of this thread annoying.

Why is I any more my fault then my husband's if some other women are "condemned" to a low income job working as nursery nurses looking after children for couples like us?! Spoiler alert - it isn't. So, given that we are equally responsible for the career choices/salary of those who we hire to look after our children, why is the thread titled "women working out of the home condemn other women"...shouldn't it just be "working parents condemn some women into low paid childcare roles"?

Incidentally, just because someone is currently a low paid childcare worker does not mean that they are doomed to forever remain as such. An ex of mine is married to a childcare tutor/assessor. According to him, as a nursery nurse she was on £15k, whereas now she makes around £60k per year....which is more than I make as a civil service lawyer. So she evidently wasn't "condemned" to a lifetime of being on a low income as a result of looking after kids for people in my situation when we go back to work! Food for thought. :)

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/02/2018 19:37

francine you said I am not taking any kind of moral high ground - just requesting others not to sneer, criticise or condescend to me

ok,and went on to state

Do you and your partner / husband have sex?
You could easily outsource that to a professional
That's generating jobs isn't it? Grin

Well you’ve demonstrated both tangential thinking and unnecessary vulgarity. Do you demonstrate these traits to your children or just me?