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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd "fat shaming" me.

422 replies

Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:13

So I know I'm not small. I'm a size 16 (was a 12 before having my youngest) however dd has started "fat shaming" me. She's 6 and will say stuff like "why are you big and fat" infact she decided to say that in a shop yesterday infront of everyone. Also "whys your belly so fat" aibu in thinking this is normal stuff for a 6 yo to say? Or is it? Needless to say it's promoted the diet!

OP posts:
readysteadyteddy · 08/02/2018 13:29

Don't apologise for your language use OP, there are some weirdos on here!

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:29

Oh yes she is obsessed with peppa pig! and does repeat various phrases, Didn't even think it could be from there but yeh that's definitely a possibility.

OP posts:
readysteadyteddy · 08/02/2018 13:32

She's a copier who happened to say something rude. What is a "madam" anyway?

ElphabaTheGreen · 08/02/2018 13:33

It was about this age that I started getting really teased at school about my morbidly obese mother. 'Your mum's big and fat Elphaba and so are you!' (when I wasn't- mum made sure of that).

Is she getting anything like that? She is being rude, so that needs words. I never said anything like that to my DM but I was very embarrassed by her because of the treatment I got at school. Sorry, but that was the reality.

Ellieboolou27 · 08/02/2018 13:34

I think it's pretty normal, I'm fat and currently trying to lose a few stone, my 5 yo asked me the other night "mummy why is your tummy so fat even though you exercise"

Personally as a fatty I'd Rather not lead my daughter to think that being 2-3 stone overweight is normal, hence I'm doing something about it now.

Tarraleaha · 08/02/2018 13:34

so why would I talk to her before she said it?
It's unlikely that your child could reach the age of 6 without ever making a comment about a random person in the street or in a shop and you having a chat with her about it.

A child asking "why is your belly fat" is not fat shaming, he's asking a valid question. Up to the parents to teach them that you don't blurt out anything that pops in your head and you don't make comments about other people.

psychomath · 08/02/2018 13:34

Depends how she's asking. It's normal for kids to be curious about differences they notice in people, although you'll still need to have a conversation about how it's rude to say things like that to other people. If she's saying it like it's a bad thing, that sounds like she's learnt it from somewhere. I'm a bit surprised she picked up on it at all, though - unless you're really short, surely size 16 can't be far off the average these days?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:37

She's never commented on anyone's appearance actually even now. Other than mineConfused. I wouldn't say I was morbidly obese? Isn't 16 the average uk size for women?

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 08/02/2018 13:38

A six year old is big enough to know that it’s not nice to say mean things like that. She isn’t 3.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:39

I am pretty short. 5'2 and unfortunately my weight seems to go to my belly!

OP posts:
upsideup · 08/02/2018 13:39

Shes not 'fat shaming' you, shes asking you a question that you havnt yet taught her is inappropriate. Shes not even being rude.

missyB1 · 08/02/2018 13:40

Learning not to make comments about people’s appearance is an important social skill that she needs to be taught. Do it now OP before she upsets someone else. Explain to her why we don’t do it, how it makes people feel, and that there will be a consequence if she does it.

Spartaca · 08/02/2018 13:40

My daughter asked me once why my belly was so big and wobbly. I explained that it had grown 3 big babies, and was part of a body that could do amazing things and I was very proud of. That it was bigger than it could be because I liked to eat a lot of things that had lots of sugar a d fat in, and didn't run around as much as I should do.

I told her that a lot of people would be hurt if we made comments about their appearance, and that being called far would hurt their feelings and make them sad. That I didn't feel that way because I was proud of my body and like how it looks, and if I wanted to change it then I would, and because I knew she wasn't trying to be hurtful.

I don't know whether it is the right approach, but we have always tried to focus on what our bodies can do instead of what they look like,if you see what I mean. And not wanted to make being fat sound like an insult, but making sure she knew that personal comments are unpopular.

It depends where she was coming from with it. I knew that my daughter was bemused by my extra skin and was asking from curiosity, as against wanting to hurt me. If I thought it was coming from the latter I would say that wasn't normal behaviour and would be wanting to address it.

SeeKnievelHitThe17thBus · 08/02/2018 13:41

I suspect that she's saying it because she said it once and it got a reaction so she's continuing to say it repeatedly. Reply with positive comments "mummy eats lots of healthy foods to make milk for [younger sibling]" and distract her.

I'm not a size 16 and DS has still made occasional comments about my bum or tummy - I think he's noticed I'm a different shape from his dad and it was his way of commenting on it. Maybe also see how many nice things you can both say about other people so you move the conversation onto being polite to others.

RoseWhiteTips · 08/02/2018 13:41

Teach her manners.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 13:41

She's not fat shaming you, she's being a cheeky madam.

Why the hell aren't you having words with her about it? You're the adult!

Thistlebelle · 08/02/2018 13:42

3yo shouting out inappropriate/rude questions in public is normal.

By 6yo she really should know better. If she doesn’t know better then you need to have a serious chat with her about making comments on other people’s appearances.

Not least because her behaviour in the shop made her look bad.

If she behaved that way at school towards another pupil, a parent or a teacher no one would consider it normal or acceptable.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 13:42

Isn't 16 the average uk size for women?

It might be, but that doesn't mean its not overweight

readysteadyteddy · 08/02/2018 13:43

Notevilstepmother You mean a six year old that YOU have met? If you haven't met the OP's six year old, then you haven't a clue whether she is "big enough" to know!

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 08/02/2018 13:43

She sounds like a very, unpleasant little girl.

She's still only young tho, plenty of time to work on it. Please don't leave it or roll your eyes and put it down to her age........or she'll end up like my niece. 12 years old and still coming out with stuff like this.......I choose not to spend time with her anymore .

Spartaca · 08/02/2018 13:43

And I wouldn't say that size 16 was in obese/being teased by other kid territory tbh.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:44

Like I said she said it in a shop so I told her to be quiet there was no way I was going to draw extra attention to it!

OP posts:
Aridane · 08/02/2018 13:44

Yes, she was rude. She's 6, not a toddler

readysteadyteddy · 08/02/2018 13:44

What is all this "should know better"? Was she born with the knowledge?! In some cultures it would be a compliment to comment on someone's overweightness.

OP has said she has never done it before, thus she wasn't being rude on purpose.

(Still can't over the "madam' comment. She's SIX!)

frozenlake · 08/02/2018 13:45

I also had wondered if she had seen peppa pig as they talk about big tummies on that program. I don't think it is unusual for DC of that age to comment on size, it is a physical attribute that they start noticing is different for different people. You just need to explain that some people get upset at being called fat so you don't say it to people even if it is true.
Your DC isnt fat shaming you just asking a question, you can just answer with the reasons. For me it was, "why is your tummy squishy and dad's isn't?", me, "I've grown two of you at once, that stretched my tummy and I haven't done excerises to tone it up afterwards".

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