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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dd "fat shaming" me.

422 replies

Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:13

So I know I'm not small. I'm a size 16 (was a 12 before having my youngest) however dd has started "fat shaming" me. She's 6 and will say stuff like "why are you big and fat" infact she decided to say that in a shop yesterday infront of everyone. Also "whys your belly so fat" aibu in thinking this is normal stuff for a 6 yo to say? Or is it? Needless to say it's promoted the diet!

OP posts:
Terfragette · 08/02/2018 14:38

Is it not acceptable to say, "Yes, darling, mummy is a little bit plumper than some mummies, but slimmer than others. That is because people come in different sizes, shapes, colours, weights and heights."

That way you are using it as an opportunity for a bit of early "diversity training."

All this talk about her being "rude" and you being "hurt" and "upset" is what amounts to fat-shaming, not her comment.

She's going to meet much much fatter people than you in her life and it's good to teach her that they are OK.

ElphabaTheGreen · 08/02/2018 14:39

OP I said my MOTHER was morbidly obese. Not you.

AnonEvent · 08/02/2018 14:39

It doesn't matter how thin or fat you are. What matters is that she is kind.

She's only little, she doesn't know how hurtful what she's saying is, but it's time to explain it to her.

And to PPs who suggest that everyone in the store already knew what size OP is. That is literally none of their business. She could be a size 0 or a size 30. Nothing to do with them, at all.

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 14:39

I'm 5'6" and 8 stone. If I were to go up to 9.5 stone I would have a fat arse and look and feel overweight.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 14:39

She said whys your belly so big that's when I said because I've had lots of babies, I don't think that's a lie? My belly is big and wobbly and I've had 2 sections so have a overhang my belly wasn't this size before kids. I was a size 12 and was before the youngest.

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 08/02/2018 14:41

Whether the OP is morbidly obese or a few pounds overweight is completely irrelevant.

There isn’t a socially acceptable point at which it’s ok to comment on someone’s appearance in public!! Confused

What if she had commented on bad skin or hair or large breast/nose size? None of it would be acceptable.

OP it’s not about telling her off, it’s about recalling the situation and explaining why you shushed her:

Her comments were socially inappropriate
Her comments were unkind
Her comments were hurtful
Her comments embarrassed you (and everyone else)
Her comments made her look bad.

If it helps I talk to my children about asking the three questions before commenting on someone else:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

So in this case it might be true but it was neither kind nor necessary.

Try it, it works quite well even with young children to give them a framework.

AnonEvent · 08/02/2018 14:41

Dancingfairy you don't need to excuse your shape to anyone on this thread. You body, your business.

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 14:41

Also I agree with the poster that said you lied to her. Having babies doesn't make you fat. I had twins and I'm not fat.

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 14:43

and I had a c-section. Babies were 6.5lbs & 7lbs.

CandyYumYum · 08/02/2018 14:43

Oh well. I don't have any issue with my DC saying fat if they're not being mean

Well hopefully they’ll use it selectively when you teach them that it's a word that can wound.

Coulddowithanap · 08/02/2018 14:46

Having babies has made me fatter (at the top of normal BMI).. I really struggle to lose weight now and also having a c section didn't help.

I really don't think a 6 year old would deliberately humiliate you. My 6 year old just says what he sees.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2018 14:46

Op, I'm sorry no, but you do not have a fat stomach because have carried children. You have a stomach due to your diet. You know this because by your own admission your child's comments on your stomach have prompted you to go on a diet.

It feels like you just want to have an arguement about your weight for some reason.

PinkDaffodil2 · 08/02/2018 14:47

OP I think PP was saying that her mother was morbidly obese, not you. For reference you’d have to be 100kg at your height to be morbidly obese which would be very impressive at a size 16, which is about UK average you’re right.
About 75kg is obese and 61kg is overweight by BMI measure at that height.
Missing point of thread.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 14:47

People tell there children lies all the time. Santa? Tooth fairy? I'm sure by the told she's old enough to have babies she will realise for herself. My dads in a wheelchair I explain it to the kids by saying he hurt his legs. In reality he had a stroke and a heart attack, I can not get worked up over a white lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 14:50

Saying I have a big belly to a 6 year old because I had lots of babies is hardly a ticket to hell. It was to save embarrassment. Really struggling to see where I'm trying to argue with anyone. I've had many rude comments made to me on this thread where have I made any?

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 08/02/2018 14:50

I think what your DD did was fairly normal. She commented on something she had noticed. Since you haven't explained she shouldn't comment on how people look, she didn't know that was unacceptable. You may find they've had an assembly about healthy eating or being fit at school and that's prompted her to look at people's sizes too.

The part of this that is unusual, is your reaction. You've jumped to feeling fat shamed. That isn't your DD's fault.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 14:51

I think you're doing your children a disservice by lying to them. Why lie about your dad? That's just odd.

No wonder they don't know where the boundaries are

UrgentScurryfunge · 08/02/2018 14:53

DS's y2 class is doing healthy eating this term. He recently commented that the person behind us in the supermarket queue had unhealthy food. I told him that it wasn't polite to comment on other people's choices (especially when we were already buying chocolate!)

Commenting on an observation is normal for children. They don't automatically know if something is loaded and potentially offensive until they are told otherwise and that's difficult to pre-empt. DS1 isn't the personality type that did it at a more tender age... unlike DS2... I remain eternally relieved that the amputee in a supermarket took DS2's observations in good humour and did laugh when DS2 asked if the doctor cut his leg off because he was angry.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2018 14:54

I also don't understand why you chose to lie to her and feel it's less embarrassing than telling her it's due to ooor diet and taking the opportunity to talk to her about healthy eating and it's importance.

UrgentScurryfunge · 08/02/2018 14:56

I like the true/ kind/ necessary framework that was cross-posted above.

upsideup · 08/02/2018 14:57

Its okay to lie to children, if its in their best interests. I dont really think making her think she will get fat if she has children is in her best interests, what about fat men/children? Your just going to confuse her even more.

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 14:58

Saying I have a big belly to a 6 year old because I had lots of babies is hardly a ticket to hell. It was to save embarrassment.

Why not be honest with her and say it's because you eat too much/wrong things and maybe don't exercise enough.
Use it as a life lesson so she knows to be healthy.

You might find it harder to lose weight now, but with a good diet and exercise you can.
You are making the choice to be overweight, and she noticed and said. She's 6.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 14:58

But why lie about the reason someone is in a wheelchair? There's absolutely no benefit to it, its just confusing!

My DC's uncle is severely disabled and in a wheelchair. I don't tell them fairy stories about him!!

RockinRobinTweets · 08/02/2018 14:59

I've had this, admittedly, not about me but nevertheless - all I do is say that we don't talk about what people look like, it's not kind. I'm sure I'll be corrected!

I don't think she's being a madam, unfortunately, they just say what they see but she can learn that it won't make her any friends.

HappyLollipop · 08/02/2018 15:00

Kids at that age just say what they see, she can see your overweight as in most cases size 16 is overweight unless your really tall. my mum says when I was little that I used to tell her and my godmother that they were fat all the time! You just need to explain that words like fat aren't nice and everyone's body is different, she just needs some guidance on what's socially acceptable.