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Original poster

Am I really intimidated by this ridiculous couple?

347 replies

smallishi · 08/02/2018 10:06

The ridiculous couple are my neighbours and the back story is that we have not been speaking for about 18 months because we objected to planning permission for their extension, and honestly had good reason to. They had to make a very slight/small change but their extension is going ahead which is fine with us. We no longer have their small 2nd window looking straight into our kitchen.

Previous to that we had only known them for a year as that was when we both moved into our houses and we were on friendly terms.

So things are resolved, though we are no longer on friendly terms (at their request - they asked us never to contact them again). And now every single time the husband sees me - whether it's in front of our houses or in town, he stares and holds his gaze on me until I am out of sight.

He is my age, short, balding the type of man with a very inflated sense of importance/huge ego. He is slight in build so I can't believe he thinks he is giving me a physically intimidating stare. Perhaps he thinks he is somehow psyching me out? I don't know, but I don't like it. It's always when I with my children, and I never stare back. Maybe I should? How can I get a grip on this ridiculous situation and not let it bother me?

The wife does the same, though I see her much less so it's his behaviour that I notice more. They also do things like snigger together if they are outside their house when I am coming or going.

It feels like playground bullying and I can't get my head around how/why adults would behave like this. It's making me feel awful, I know it shouldn't affect me as it's so stupid but it does and I need to get a grip.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 08/02/2018 12:04

Take to playing Ministry 'Brick Windows' every morning.

Jux · 08/02/2018 12:13

Wave and smile broadly every time. If you're in hearing distance call out a cheery hello how are you? Treat them as if nothing at all has happened.

I did that with a woman round here, whom I had unwittingly upset/annoyed/angered (I never found out), but she always turned her head away from or gave me filthy looks. I would just say good morning, al bright and cheerful like I did to any other familiar face. It really pissed her off. After about 3 years she grudgingly mumbled good morning back. Now we can have a short meaningless conversation when thrown into each other's company. 12years! I stopped doing more than giving her a nod a few years ago though.

Getoutofthatgarden · 08/02/2018 12:14

DH is rarely here as he works abroad for much of the time. When he is here, no they don't ever stare at him. DH is a far larger/taller man than the neighbour and I couldn't see him trying to psyche DH out with a stare

What about sending your DH round to have a word with them?

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2018 12:14

I always drive with my music on quiet loud, NDN hit the roof once when We are the champions was playing from the car..

Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 12:14

Thank you again for the support. I'll update if I manage to smile and wave Hello!

OP posts:
Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 12:16

I wouldn't risk them calling the police or trying to report us for harassment if DH went round there to have a word mummy2017

I honestly think that is what they are trying for - some response from us that justifies them going to the police.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 08/02/2018 12:19

This is an interesting video...

ShiftyMcGifty · 08/02/2018 12:20

Stop, get your phone camera out and start filming him. Then loudly announce you’ve been advised by the local law enforcement officer to document his intimidation and harassment of you and your children.

ohfortuna · 08/02/2018 12:20

I would think about wearing some sort of body cam, that way any weird behaviour and you have it on film, maybe if he knows he's being filmed he'll stop staring?

PickAChew · 08/02/2018 12:22

If it's mustering the smile that feels beyond you, simply give him a curt good morning, the same as the dog walker you see most days but don't know or the bus driver. Courteous, non emotional acknowledgement.

Do it once and the fear will subside. After all, what's the worst that can happen if you say good morning to him? Is it worse than how he's treating you, now?

Or you could just mentally whack him around the ears with his Daily Mail.

MadeleineMaxwell · 08/02/2018 12:25

Next time you know you're going to be in this situation, take some deep breaths, pop on your 'unintimidated' hat and just do the cheery smile and nod. Nobody can sue you for that. And the more you wear it, the better the hat will fit!

ShiftyMcGifty · 08/02/2018 12:25

If he says he’s not harassing you, then reply that you’re glad that isn’t his intention as the police felt differently. Ask why he was looking at you and your children - is he trying to get your attention and has a question? Then why is he staring at you without saying hello? He is coming across as very intimidating and aggressive and he is frightening your children. Request he please stop.

bebealpha · 08/02/2018 12:26

My parents next door neighbours used to get ridiculously cross if our visitors ever parked on the opposite side of the road to their house. They would be very rude. My parents aren't the calmest of people generally and thought they were being ridiculous but instead of giving them both deserved barrels they did their best not to park outside their house and also to be over nice to them whenever they saw them. Fast forward 30 years they are on very good terms, have lots of joint work done together eg their car ports and gates match exactly. They don't exactly socialise together but by being the bigger person in The whole thing (because the neighbours were being ridiculous - it wasn't even outside their house it was on the other side of the road and there was plenty of turning room etc) my parents haven't had to live awkwardly. Def kill with kindness. In time the problem will go away I am sure.

Fosterdog123 · 08/02/2018 12:27

Obviously I don't know the layout of your properties but would erecting a fence/hedge work, so that you couldn't see them? I too would have anxiety about this. I hate conflict with 'strangers' and worry about things ramping up. If it was that bad though, I'd probably film him. I would also send my OH round if he was a big guy and the neighbour wasn't doing it to him.

tiggytape · 08/02/2018 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floriad · 08/02/2018 12:31

I've been in too many similiar situations.

Don't let him intimidate you and be friendly. Greet him.

"Good morning, Mr...!"

"Hello!"

"Have a nice evening."

londonrach · 08/02/2018 12:31

Im smile and say hi. Its their problem not you.

saladdays66 · 08/02/2018 12:32

What a cowardly lilttle shit. Intimidating you but not your h?

Send your h round for a polite word when he's next at home.

Even if you did tell them to fuck off, the police will do NOTHING. They have more important things to worry about. You have more grounds to go to the police than your bonkers neighbours do.

Smile and wave.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/02/2018 12:33

I think he is an idiot and I would love to tell him exactly what I think of him but I never will because it would make this situation much bigger than it is.

If you think this and feel like this, then you CAN work towards the smile and hello option. Work on 'loving' saying that to them - because believe me, while fuck off would be playing into their hands, smiling and waving will hit them exactly where it hurts! You'll basically be saying that fuck off - but in a way that makes you untouchable. And you'll have shown very clearly that yes you find them idiotic. It's perfect.

Practise! It doesn't have to be a big thing. Think of his nasty furious little face and practise just automatically giving a rather absent minded smile and an 'Oh, hi!' - not a stand and stare sort of hello, you know the difference. Just a vague acknowledgment then you'll carry on going past, or turn away, or look down suddenly as if a child has asked you something.

You can do it!

eddielizzard · 08/02/2018 12:42

i would take out my phone and film him every time. he won't like that. and you don't have to say anything.

PoisonousSmurf · 08/02/2018 12:44

Don't worry about the police. They won't do anything unless it's physical violence. A smile and a middle finger 'offence' would be laughed out of court.
What did they have to change with their planning application? If it was only a window looking into your property, then they are twats!
Life is too short to be bothered by people like that.
But, yes I would also get a mini spy camera (something that you can wear), then only show it to your husband.
Then hopefully it will all blow over.

ohfortuna · 08/02/2018 12:45

their house is perfectly presented with multiple £££ cars in driveway

ohfortuna · 08/02/2018 12:46

their house is perfectly presented with multiple £££ cars in driveway
It might all be on finance ....a slight change in the interest rates could bankrupt them

Frouby · 08/02/2018 12:48

I would do my best gurn at the fucker. Just for a split second. Just so he thinks he sae it. Either that or drop my knicks and moony him.

He is a bully OP. The only power he has is the power you give him. Stop giving it him and he will stop bullying you.

DeathByMascara · 08/02/2018 12:54

We have a similar situation with a neighbour of my mother. It’s a guy I was at school with, who (despite us both being grown ups in our 30s now) still seems to think it intimidates us for him to slow down and glower at us all when he drives past.

I’m not sure my sad head shake at his pathetic antics was the reaction he was hoping for. Or indeed the cheery wave.