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Original poster

Am I really intimidated by this ridiculous couple?

347 replies

smallishi · 08/02/2018 10:06

The ridiculous couple are my neighbours and the back story is that we have not been speaking for about 18 months because we objected to planning permission for their extension, and honestly had good reason to. They had to make a very slight/small change but their extension is going ahead which is fine with us. We no longer have their small 2nd window looking straight into our kitchen.

Previous to that we had only known them for a year as that was when we both moved into our houses and we were on friendly terms.

So things are resolved, though we are no longer on friendly terms (at their request - they asked us never to contact them again). And now every single time the husband sees me - whether it's in front of our houses or in town, he stares and holds his gaze on me until I am out of sight.

He is my age, short, balding the type of man with a very inflated sense of importance/huge ego. He is slight in build so I can't believe he thinks he is giving me a physically intimidating stare. Perhaps he thinks he is somehow psyching me out? I don't know, but I don't like it. It's always when I with my children, and I never stare back. Maybe I should? How can I get a grip on this ridiculous situation and not let it bother me?

The wife does the same, though I see her much less so it's his behaviour that I notice more. They also do things like snigger together if they are outside their house when I am coming or going.

It feels like playground bullying and I can't get my head around how/why adults would behave like this. It's making me feel awful, I know it shouldn't affect me as it's so stupid but it does and I need to get a grip.

OP posts:
CruCru · 08/02/2018 12:58

I would hate this (and I can totally understand why it takes you anxious).

I do see what you mean about not being able to smile and wave at the horrible people. However, perhaps you need to treat yourself as your own child in this case. I don't mean making yourself a star chart (unless that would help) but perhaps set yourself the goal of smiling and waving once and give yourself a reward for doing so. Once you have started, it will get so much easier.

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 08/02/2018 13:04

you say you "keep your head down".

don't.

hold your head up high. Even if you can't be brave and smile at them, never skulk in and out your house. walk with your head held high. walk like your favourite diva like you own the street.

cupcakemania · 08/02/2018 13:07

How horrible of him

You're right to not tell him to fuck off as people have suggested. That'd escalate it.

Thank goodness he's not looking into your kitchen window 24/7 then!

HelpTheTigers · 08/02/2018 13:07

OP, you sound a lot like me. I'm easily intimidated and get stressed in situations where people are aggressive towards me.

I did learn how to cope better, from a master at this type of thing. As some PPs have mentioned, throw your head back and make it very obvious that you are laughing at the idiots involved. You don't have to look at them, just make it blatant that you find them hilarious and pathetic and are not at all phased by their ridiculous behaviour. You may well still be stressed out inside, but it might make you feel less intimidated and at their mercy They won't know that you are stressed out and will only see you having a laugh at their antics. Hopefully you will feel more in control and that you have achieved a step upwards, together with having waved a mental two fingers in their direction.

Nothing annoys a bully more than being mocked and ridiculed. If they know that you aren't even looking at them while you laugh / mock their efforts, that will annoy and frustrate them even more and you will be in control. You can manage this situation nicely, I'm sure. Good luck! Flowers

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 08/02/2018 13:08

Definitely channel some strength here. You have NO REASON to keep your head down.
Smile "oh! Hi" turn your head away calmly. Don't flinch. Don't look back. Every time.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2018 13:10

I feel I'd be tempted to giggle, or do a little dance.

I'd probably go with a quizzical look, or a too pleasant 'can I help you?'

Or just a knowing look and walk off laughing uncontrollably to myself.

Not sure it would help but really, what have you got to lose? You're never going to be friends anyway.

Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 13:13

Thank you for your post Tiggytape and so many others. Thank you for taking the time to post something supportive and helpful. Feeling stronger already.

Yes, I do need to stop seeing this behaviour as some reflection on myself. It's just a reflection of them and the kind of people they are.

We just passed each other on the high street (while driving). He stared at me with some kind of bemused look intimidating look.

Think he thinks he is a Peaky Blinder. I can't understand how he thinks he's hard - he's just not, he's actually been a dickhead when we've socialised at neighbours houses in the past.

OP posts:
ShutYoFace · 08/02/2018 13:16

They are just looking at you. That's all. why such fuss about the neighbours looking at you? Just ignore them!

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2018 13:16

We had awful, intimidating, noisy bastard neighbours. Years of it. Tried to handle it in many reasonable ways. Didn't work.

I ended up going to the police station and crying my eyes out and explained the situation - they sent a PC round to the neighbours to have a quiet chat - in the name of mediation.

Maybe that could be a route for you. They are intimidating you and harassing you. To a mild extent but it's not ok. It's affecting the quality of your life.

If you think they are itching for a reason to go to the police just think how brilliant it would be if you got in first. And with good reason.

Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 13:17

Thank you help the tigers. I want to completely ignore them because that must be the best way to show them they are so insignificant to me I haven't even noticed their behaviour?

OP posts:
Groinyo · 08/02/2018 13:18

I'd say something whenever he stares. The bloody idiot, just very calmly ask him what he is hoping to achieve. Let him know he's a short sad man and you're not afraid of him and that you know where he and his extension live.

Groinyo · 08/02/2018 13:20

Or tell him, "thank you but I'm just really not interested!"

hazell42 · 08/02/2018 13:21

I have neighbours like this. Complete idiots. I smile and wave. They hate it. Really hate it. Gives me no end of satisfaction. I am practically giving them jazz hands these days.
Don't flip them off. that gives them reason to complain about you to the other neighbours. Smiling and waving doesn't.
You will be able to take the moral high ground and they will be furious.
Win win

Letseatgrandma · 08/02/2018 13:21

“Good morning.... that bald spot’s getting bigger by the day isn’t it? Never mind”

He sounds like a twat, but is hurling insults about his physical features really the way to go? The comments about him being small and bald yet your DH being much bigger and taller seem quite unnecessary.

Why are some physical traits ok to pick on (small men? Baldness?). Would you mention if they were overweight?

This isn’t to distract from his behaviour though, which is very rude.

BerkInBag · 08/02/2018 13:25

Hold your head up high. If you do make eye contact then just a wry smile and maybe a little shake of the head. Something subtle and non-confrontational. Or just look straight through him and ignore but keep a stony face, no emotion.

The Ask The Police website gives the following advice on what constitutes neighbor harassment:

www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q153.htm?letter=H

gillybeanz · 08/02/2018 13:27

I also like killing them with kindness, honestly it never fails.
If I get a difficult customer I do this, it's classic to see them disarmed.

OutyMcOutface · 08/02/2018 13:28

Perform a haka next time he does it.

tafftum · 08/02/2018 13:31

"Perform a haka" hahaha! Best response!

Kill em with kindness op, seriously what kind of pathetic man tries to intimidate a woman. What a child Hmm

SharonMott · 08/02/2018 13:32

If you want to completely ignore them I would get a cheap set of headphones even if I didn't have it plugged in to anything just tucked into my bra! Tum ti tum to yourself quite loudly as if you are humming along. I have done this before in a vaguely similar situation. I wouldn't engage. This is what the diminutive little ego wants. Tum ti tum away and never look over is the way to go.

BMW6 · 08/02/2018 13:33

Big sunny smile and a cheery "morning" is totally the way to deal with the tiny wanker.
He thinks he is being menacing so the antidote to that is to have the opposite reaction to what he wants.

You can do it OP!

Pearlsaringer · 08/02/2018 13:34

The main thing is not to modify your behaviour because of them. Don’t avoid them, give them a smiley hello then look away and go about your business as thought they aren’t there. The first time you do this it will be hard, then every other time it will be easy, trust me.

As for their having material wealth, that’s no reason to feel intimidated by them, they could be up to their necks in debt for all you know. Look at your family and look at them and the type of people they are. Honestly, who would you rather be?

TheAntiBoop · 08/02/2018 13:34

Could you point him out to the children and loudly say 'look at the funny man, he's trying to make us laugh by pretending he's scary'

ShutYoFace · 08/02/2018 13:37

You do realise all these responses would make OP look like the loon? They have't said a word to her, her saying weird loud shit to her kids or to them would make her look bonkers.

Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 13:51

Headphones is a good idea for when I'm on my own.

I mention neighbours height in relation to DH's height because I was pointing out neighbour doesn't stare at DH, but am not surprised because childish men (like neighbour) don't usually try to intimidate people who are physically larger than them.

OP posts:
Weezol · 08/02/2018 13:52

Big smile and cheery hello. Every. Single. Time. It'll confuse the shit out of them.

Years ago in my very early 20's I fell out with a friend who was also a neighbour, she shagged my then fiancee. I threw him out and told her we were no longer friends. We then lived on the same corridor for two years.

We ended up speaking to each other at a wedding a few years later. We had both done a lot of growing up and agreed that it was him that was the problem and it had suited him to fuel our fall out. We have been friends ever since.

She said that back then she found my cheery hellos and courteous holding open of doors in our communal hallway (as I would for any fellow tenant) quite disturbing and she would have felt better able to deal with me shouting and swearing at her or staring her down as that was more 'normal'. My 'rising above it' good manners towards her were apparantly quite scary and freaked her out.

Watch 'Miss Congeniality' and bust out your best pageant smile next time you see either of them.