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Original poster

Am I really intimidated by this ridiculous couple?

347 replies

smallishi · 08/02/2018 10:06

The ridiculous couple are my neighbours and the back story is that we have not been speaking for about 18 months because we objected to planning permission for their extension, and honestly had good reason to. They had to make a very slight/small change but their extension is going ahead which is fine with us. We no longer have their small 2nd window looking straight into our kitchen.

Previous to that we had only known them for a year as that was when we both moved into our houses and we were on friendly terms.

So things are resolved, though we are no longer on friendly terms (at their request - they asked us never to contact them again). And now every single time the husband sees me - whether it's in front of our houses or in town, he stares and holds his gaze on me until I am out of sight.

He is my age, short, balding the type of man with a very inflated sense of importance/huge ego. He is slight in build so I can't believe he thinks he is giving me a physically intimidating stare. Perhaps he thinks he is somehow psyching me out? I don't know, but I don't like it. It's always when I with my children, and I never stare back. Maybe I should? How can I get a grip on this ridiculous situation and not let it bother me?

The wife does the same, though I see her much less so it's his behaviour that I notice more. They also do things like snigger together if they are outside their house when I am coming or going.

It feels like playground bullying and I can't get my head around how/why adults would behave like this. It's making me feel awful, I know it shouldn't affect me as it's so stupid but it does and I need to get a grip.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 08/02/2018 11:06

Smile and wave, followed by giving the finger (out of view of DC obviously) Sometimes you've got to be assertive and brass which is difficult if not in your nature, but it sounds like these people need telling to fuck off.
If this causes it to escalate though please contact the police as this is causing you distress and you're feeling intimidated. It could amount to harassment.

RoseWhiteTips · 08/02/2018 11:07

No, do not make a rude gesture. That is playing into their hands. Smile sweetly. It will infuriate them...

Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 11:09

While I would happily tell them to fuck off (I would find it far easier to do this than to smile and wave), I think this is exactly what they want from me and they would then report me to the police.

OP posts:
Monkeypuzzle32 · 08/02/2018 11:14

Then you have to practise the 'they don't exsist, they aren't there' act everytime you see them

blueshoes · 08/02/2018 11:15

He thinks he is making me feel afraid, which is so laughable.
When they stare at me my stomach is in knots and I physically shake

Those 2 are completely contradictory statements. OP, you have got to be honest with yourself before you can move forward with a solution.

FritzyMousey · 08/02/2018 11:16

Meet his gaze and smile. It may seem impossible but I'm sure you'll feel better once you've done it. I can only imagine the reason he is doing this is because you annoyed him, if you duck your head and avert your gaze you are just reasserting his feelings, so he carries on feeling annoyed. If you smile you'll eventually dissolve his annoyance, I'm sure. Unless of course he is a psychopath, but most people aren't...

Lweji · 08/02/2018 11:19

Smile and wave.
Smile and wave.

Although such people tend to see it as provocation.

DavetheCat2001 · 08/02/2018 11:22

Just completely ignore them then. If you catch sight of him just make sure you are looking elsewhere..if you don't look at him, his stupid staring games are pointless.

Just let them completely cease to exist as far as they are concerned, even if you are shitting it, don't let them know that.

Solo · 08/02/2018 11:22

Imagine him finding himself in his front garden stark naked and everyone laughing at his extremely small penis.

I had horrible neighbours years ago who stopped speaking to me when I changed my job to something that probably intimidated him and even after he left she continued to ignore me (I often said 'hello' when passing her) until one day I lost it and asked her why. She said she wondered why too. We were never friends but, during the ignoring stage (11 long years!) I used to hate it when they/she were/was home and really resented her living next door which was why I started saying hello in passing.
People are strange but, you don't have to be. Smile and wave or send Dh round.

Hissy · 08/02/2018 11:23

Ok, let's pull this apart and try to resolve it.

He stares at you
You feel intimidated - despite the fact that he's a weedy streak of piss, balding and basically full of shit. Is he short too? short man syndrome?

He is NOTHING. He doesn't have the wherewithal to elicit the response in you that you have. A gust of wind would see him scarper.

He knows what he's doing and why. he can see that you're intimidated and he's doing this on purpose.

You can't change what he does, but you can change how you and your body reacts.

tell yourself over and over until you believe it - he is nothing, he has no right to make you feel bad, you did nothing 'wrong', they got what they wanted bar a tiny window... HE needs to man up and grow up and they need to get over themselves.

Hold your head up high love. Start saying hello and a cheery wave, it will be scary to begin with, but it gets easier and actually he might realise that he ISNT making you suffer so gives up.

Make sure too that if you see him when you are with your H that you say hello to him and wave. Your H will see the snub and then it'll make the NDN look more idiotic. better yet BOTH of you go out of your way to say hello. go on the charm offensive :D

dirtywindows · 08/02/2018 11:29

If you can't smile and don't want a confrontation then how about getting your mobile out and start filming him saying 'for evidence'. Might scare him off...

TandemBanana · 08/02/2018 11:30

A smile and a wave every time.
With a tinkly little laugh if you can manage it, combined with a head tilt. All well proven MN techniques.
Think of us next time he does it, and give him that wave for all of your supporters.

FelicityMorange · 08/02/2018 11:33

Who does he think he is? Paddington fucking Bear?

GoneBGI · 08/02/2018 11:39

If you are absolutely sure their behaviour is directed towards you then I would get all my courage and tell them very simply and firmly "I realise we had a disagreement over your extension, I find your staring and sniggering intimidating and am asking you to stop".

No doubt they will deny it or tell you to piss of or something and you'll need to be prepared for that (just walk off...."that's all I want to say") but they will know that you speak the truth and will feel small and pathetic and you will have the moral high ground.

MotherofTerriers · 08/02/2018 11:40

I'd be inclined to say to my kids (loudly enough) "Oh look there's the funny little man who lives next door."

Original poster
smallishi · 08/02/2018 11:40

Thank you for all the support. It helps! I'm thinking about why I feel intimidated and I think it's partly because they're very wealthy (and showy with it).

I hate to admit it, but I do think I'm intimidated by that fact. For example, their house is perfectly presented with multiple £££ cars in driveway. Our house is 1/4 of the size of theirs (but perfect for us!) and needs a coat of paint, our car is 20+ years old ...

I don't consider us poor, we're actually comfortable and I'm grateful for all that we have and I grew up with very little. It's that knowledge that they have that financial cushion to, for example, take us to court with expensive lawyers for harassment if I ever told them to fuck off. Far fetched as it sounds I think that's what I subconsciously feel.

Money often equals power in this world and I'm intimidated by the money they have. I think this is why I'm finding it harder than I usually would to hold my head up and not feel anxious.

I hate to have enemies. If someone wants to make life difficult for you they often can, and these people are right next door.

OP posts:
NotReadyToMove · 08/02/2018 11:40

The thing is, he IS frigthening you. Your stomach churns, you don’t dare looking at him etc...

The best answer is really the smile with a Hi. Best to do it BEFORE he satsrt staring at you so he is caught out.
Otherwise ignore and ignore.

Atm he knows he is getting at you and that’s why he is carrying on.

And yes some people have grown from primary school. Just treat them as children by removing attention.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/02/2018 11:41

What's in it for them??

Revenge for the perceived injustice? They are trying to intimidate and scare you. Making you feel bad makes them feel better and powerful. They are basically simple bullies. And bullies hate when they can't get to you

TossDaily · 08/02/2018 11:49

I'd have to send my husband round if I were you. Sorry, I know it's not PC, but if they're treating you like that but not your husband, they are cowards and need to have a taste of their own medicine.

He doesn't need to be threatening or intimidating. He just needs to go round and say something along the lines of,

'You keep staring at my wife and children in an intimidating manner. Stop it.'

If the pair of idiots deny it, just tell him to repeat himself like a stuck record.

'I've seen you do it, on several occasions. It stops now. Do you understand me?'

What a pair of twats.

Sumo1 · 08/02/2018 11:49

I had a similar thing. I know it seems ridiculous to feel upset by it but this stuff is upsetting, if it goes on for long enough, no matter how much your brain tells you to ignore it’s happening and stressing you — if it had no effect people wouldn’t do this. And much harder if you have DCs with you as you have to control your response to it for their sake.
I would (assuming it doesn’t look like they will stop) get a camera set up to film their behaviour then when you have evidence send DH and a big friend to go round and speak to them firmly, without threats. The ndns can call police or say you are invading their privacy with camera but if you have evidence ce of their childish behaviour they’d be mad to try to take things further. They are sneaky bullies for no reason.

Knittedfairies · 08/02/2018 11:50

Take out your phone, take/pretend to take a photo, look at your watch, scribble in a notebook and walk away. Time for him to be freaked out.

Sumo1 · 08/02/2018 11:53

People saying he knows he’s getting at you. Well you would have to be blind to miss it. Even if you ignore it you are pointedly not looking in a certain direction - so you are aware of it and they know it.

RowenasDiadem · 08/02/2018 11:58

Burst out laughing every time. It'll throw him.

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2018 12:01

Think of him with a big flashing arrow above his head,

saying.. THIS IS WANT A DI** LOOKS LIKE.

Mine NDN has a name that someone much told me a VERY rude joke about, so I can never look her in the face and not giggle..

elephantelsa · 08/02/2018 12:02

@youngestisapsycho 😂😂😂