To think she should be doing more...

[Dancingfairy]

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

Have you checked that he is ok?
I mean actually gone and looked at him?

Oh yes - do please check that he is not unconscious

I've just come back to say when I was a depressed suicidal 14-year-old and my parents didn't notice/care, I used to fantasise about a family member or member of staff at school getting me some help. It never happened and I suffered immensely. Please be that person for your DN.

It's a really tough situation you're in.

Would you consider taking matters about your nephew's mental health into your own hands whilst he's under your care?

You could take him as a visitor to your own GP but it would be more ideal if he could see someone from his own practice - if practical. Although, you could phone his practice and ask for the GP to call back.

Would you be willing to engage with the school and explain the situation you've been left in - not dropping your sister in the shit, as such, but they may be able to offer some guidance, experience, knowledge to help you.

My son was diagnosed with depression when he was 15. It wasn't a surprise and we had been on the path to get help (since he was 8) but it wasn't soon enough and he ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt. The scariest part was how quickly his mood turned to spiral down enough for him to try.

Unfortunately, we have had to go down the private route as CAMHS simply couldn't act fast enough. Actually they made things far worse initially by telling him he was autistic. He isn't. He does have some traits of Asperger's (like DH and DD2) but not to cause this.

Keep talking. Phone Samaritans if you're finding it overwhelming - they will offer support but not advice. They may be able to signpost you to other organisations that may help.

Ultimately, your sister needs to take responsibility and not assume he's a "teenager being attention-seeking". She ought to be validating his feelings and helping him not berating him.

Talk to him. Tell him that you understand he’s feeling depressed and suicidal and that your right there for him and you will do whatever it takes to help him. Then listen.

Call your sister tell her what your son wants then do it for him.

I understand your busy with four young children. But one day they will be four teenagers and you would want them to receive the help they deserve

Someone needs to step up and help this child access the services he needs.
He's telling people he needs help and no one is listening to him.

Some of you are running away with yourselves a bit. It's incredibly unlikely that this boy is hovering on the edge of death. He's probably hoovering up the contents of OPs fridge now while she's on the school run.

Many many teenagers will sleep though the school day if they can swing it. I did. My DC tried it. My cousins did it. The kid next door does it, and has his DM at the end of her tether every morning.

But I do agree that he needs someone to have a chat with the doctor, and he should be referred for assessment, it would also be a good idea to have a meeting with the school if that has't happened yet. He could still choose to sleep his teens and twenties away, but intervention is absolutely worth a try.

What can his mum do that you can't? What would you expect her to do to get him to school that you couldn't?

Brenda
Some if us have lost loved ones to suicide.
Some of us have lost our children.
It happens.

@BrendasUmbrella he told a cousin (I think it was, back earlier in the thread) that he's suicidal. Now, whilst he MIGHT be taking the piss, that's a pretty extreme way of doing it. Should this be ignored, in your view? Because, and I say again, I was a depressed child who was abandoned (my mother left home and my father was never there), and I think the default should be to take him seriously, especially as the sleeping etc would seem to go along with that and the mother obviously thinks he's depressed because she said so.

Give the OP a break, she has 4 kids, one of which is a baby. It's ok that she doesn't have the capacity to deal with this.

You sister sounds crap.

Please phone his dad & get him to step up. If not, next call is social services. You can't possibly look after 4 kids & a suicidal teenager.

I know it happens. Suicidal feelings are also very common. I experienced it, I know one of my siblings did, and one of my DCs. I never told anyone, my sibling was left to struggle on, and I got help for my DC. I'm not saying this boy doesn't need help. I'm just saying he's more than likely just slept another day away, no-one needs to panic the OP that he may have overdosed.

Try and reach out to him a little. Be understanding that school is shit for a lot of kids and instead of trying to force him to go (throwing water over him sounds barbaric btw) try and find out why he doesn't want to go. Show a little empathy.
Like KittenShoes I was depressed at that age and getting up for school every day was torture. I also used to fantasise about a teacher/someone/anyone noticing and helping me. I cut myself and always wanted to do it somewhere it would be seen so I would be offered help but didn't want people to think I was just doing it to get attention. It was a horrible catch 22 for me. And on the rare occasion someone asked how I was I would just say I was 'fine'.
It would have taken someone actually saying 'no you're not, talk to me' and forcing me to open up.
Depression is horrible, especially at that age when you see all your peers discovering who they are and having fun and all you know about yourself is that you're sad.

Sorry for the personal post, this just resonates with me.

I hadn’t thought about social services. I agree they need to intervene. His mother is completely failing him.

HappyFeet
I agree. It’s not fair to lay this at ops feet

Sorry just getting back to this after the drs and school run. I wouldn't call ss, imy sister would never speak to me again. Well he got up when I was just about to leave for the drs so maybe around 2pm, he claimed to be ill and said he nearly fell down the stairs cos his head is spinning. Hasn't eaten much since being here except dinner which I did comment on to him yesterday as I didn't want him to feel like he can't just help himself to things in the fridge/cupboard. lm not friendly with his dad (he isn't a very nice person tbh) was horrible to my sister throughout the years (she was a teen mum) so speaking to him isn't really an option. Oh and to answer the other question whatshe can do that I can't well clearly he doesn't listen to me so I thought a phone call from his mum he might actually take notice of.

One thing you can do is tell him that you care about him and want to help.
Just hearing those words might make him feel a bit more positive.

It is worrying that he isnt eating much.
Most 14 year olds never stop eating.

Ask him very bluntly and with eye contact if he is okay and does he need your help .

i too am very depressed by this thread. I understand your frustration and your feeling that 'it's not my problem', but it sounds like no one cares about this poor child. He desperately needs help. He's your nephew. If his parents are crap, you need to be the one to care, however difficult that may be. He's your family . You don't sound like you know him very well, and find him annoying. Please try to help him, one day it might be one of your children who needs help.

I think the OP has lost interest in this thread as I've seen her post elsewhere since.

I'm not sure what to make of it really when she talks about depression and suicide and then just doesn't address it again like it's not a big deal.

I don't spend much time with him no as I don't go to my sisters house very often as she's very obsessed with cleaning, and makes it clear she doesn't want my kids round there. so I can go for months without seeing either of them (though I speak to her most days on the phone) he also hasn't bathed since he's been here despite me asking him to.

I've posted on here around 5 o'clock and got 2 more comments since 5 o'clock and I meant to keep posting if no one else has commented an no questions to answer? It disappeared from the first page.

Dancing, never mind how many posts, can you bring yourself to do something for this poor kid? If he killed himself would not wanting to upset your sister feel like it was still a good enough reason not to have done anything? And I totally understand you have four children, but a phone call to someone else, someone who could step in. You really don't feel able to do that for him?

There is some utter shit on this thread. So much so that I really dont know were to start. I think this young man needs help and someone to actually sit down with him and find out what the problem is. Throwing a jug of water over somebody who is completely fine is abusive. For someone with depression and suicidal its actually wicked. And to whoever said not going to school faces the consequences of being expelled and not have an qualifications and being on the dole, if youre going to post, find out what you're talking about. I know several young people who refused school, for various different reasons, but bullying was a common one. Not one of them got expelled or has no qualifications or is on the dole. I fucking despair of some posters sometimes